Some days I forget

Some days I forget his face,
what a cuddle or kiss feels like,
what its like to feel safe and calm.

I know I once felt those things, but they disappear so quickly into the abyss nowadays.
Just last night I watched old videos of us, of him, and his face was so foreign to me. It was like meeting him for the first time, everytime.
My parents feel a little similar to that, too.

.
I haven't been able to stop shaking since I woke up.
It feels bad, but I can't feel it, somehow.
I'm not really here.
.

Then I stumbled upon a video sent to me a month ago,
and upon playing it- his voice was the first thing that was blasted.
Immediately my heart sank, and the inevitable heavy feeling of death was upon me.
I felt like the bed was shaking.
It was weird.

I don't think I can listen to his voice now without getting nervous or heart drops.
And previously it had taken longer to forget his touch, face, voice..

but now its getting a little blurry,
and the thought of him scares me.

it scares me that my mind isn't working the way it used to, anymore.

I'm tired.
He never was there when I needed him- when he's angry, disappointed, busy, tired, having fun-
he's not around, just as he hasn't been around during the Vietnam trip, when the crash first started, or the KL trip, when it was progressively getting worse, or now, when he's happily back in Malaysia, and I'm left to die here.
It's not his problem, so he doesn't care. he doesn't want to deal.

Each time we get back together he says sweet things like 'i'm sorry I didn't try harder for you in KL. FYP. whatever place it was.'
but the very next time, I'm left to die all over again, by myself.

I wonder if my memory is accurate.
Did he threaten to tie me up, or did he actually tie me up when I was having a bad night?

Why do these memories play like a badly shot student film,
with me looking at myself in terms of a master shot, with blurry details?

I keep getting flashbacks to when he threw me back onto the bed..
when he cornered me in a corner of the room,
me begging him to let me go home..

For some reason,
I recall those in third person, too.

Each time I vowed never to step into his room again,
never to give him the power to hurt and bind and gag me..

but the following sunday I find myself back,

because, well...

Everyone needs someone.

What is love if I can't feel beyond the panic attacks, the mind blanks, floating, scratching, fear, fear, fucking, fear..?

I want to stop going to therapy. it's only been... probably three sessions.
But I can't do this anymore.

I want to end it soon.

I keep finding new places to jump from.
I'm constantly rehearsing the pain, emotions, fall, gravity, in my head.

I just need to gather courage, now.

I've finally been thrown away.

It's a strange feeling, that.
It's a heaviness in the chest that never seems to go away,
one that sometimes turn into a sharp pang of pain that makes things unbearable.

A burst of emotions, a fit, several panic attacks,
and all of a sudden those intense pains disappear.
I like to imagine all those dark swirling clouds of uncertainty withdraw, sharply into me, like the time-reverse-edit of a glass jar that shattered into smithereens.

And then I feel numb again, just heavy, and somehow it feels better that way.

I forget a lot nowadays. And I can't seem to focus properly when people are talking to me. Can't process a lot of words on the screen, can't recall what was said to me minutes after it was delivered.

My therapist has found an official diagnosis for these symptoms,
and I'm still in shock over that.

All I could think, still feel, is
"I don't think so."

Yesterday after the session I sat at outram park mrt like that day a year ago,
crying my heart out, floating, mind blank, not knowing how to get home and wishing I was home.

Funny thing is a year later I am still having an attack at the exact same spot, still attached to the same guy whom I. similar to last year, couldn't reach out to for help.

I don't know how long I stayed there. The memory is already fading.
I just couldn't breathe, couldn't move, or think.

And in that moment,
I'd never felt more alone.

Called a helpline and somehow made it back in one piece,
but now I have an inherent dislike for that place and I don't even care if that's immature.

It really just felt like I was spontaneously combusting in public and people were rushing past and it was all too loud and I was dying every second, over and over.
And no one was around.


.
Snippets of him gagging me keep coming back to me. Initially I'd somehow forgotten, but one day that scene returned-
And I saw myself in a third person point of view,
with his fat hands that I once loved, still so love,
over my mouth.

The fear I had in that moment I can't exactly recall..
I just know it rendered me paralysed at certain points.

Since then the days have been passing at a painfully slow rate..
I am never sure if I had done something instead of just thinking about it-
and I sometimes wake in confusion thinking some things have happened when they did not.

Mervyn has finally stopped texting me.

I don't even need to block him anymore;
I've finally been thrown away.

Funny thing is I feel extreme happiness, safety when I'm around him-
It's the only time I feel calm in my life.
The rest of the hours tick by with my heart perpetually racing..
And that heaviness, that cloudiness, that uncertainty,
that perpetual feeling of dying or feeling like I want to die,
that floating feeling when I'm in public and cars are zooming past and it's all too loud and I'm really fucking frightened but I can't move, so I just blank out and wish I was somewhere else.

When I'm not with him,
The pains and anxiety meld together into a haze, and every day is hard to live through,
and I'm not even lovesick, just broken I suppose.

I just feel like I'm melting.

I've finally been thrown away, and it feels like a relief.
I know it also hurts a lot, when I suddenly burst into tears or suddenly get an attack or get stuck lying down somewhere and feel like I'm already dying...

But right now as I'm writing this I can't feel it.

I just wish I could disappear.

This, emptiness.
This absolute condition of being really alone.

God I need a drink.

God, I wish I believed in one of you. Any one of you.
It'd be so much easier that way.

Like the trash that I am,
The way I always always knew I would be,
I've finally been thrown away.

No one can ever love this person.
No one can ever stay.

I'm better off alone.

I wish I was dead already.

Each time I think of him,
each time I think about the slightest form of physical intimacy,
I feel like killing myself.

Because I can't explain this feeling.

But I just don't ever want to be touched by anyone again.
I don't want love anymore.

That way..
no one can throw me away anymore.

That way,

I can sleep in the rubbish bin and chuck myself in there and no one would even notice.
and somehow that feels better.

just leave.

I want to disappear.

Eventually the suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and shaking become the norm.
Eventually it starts to feel like things will be way easier if you were alone.

There's so much that has happened and yet I don't feel the strength to pen it all down. As if any of it matters.

But my ex, now my boyfriend, is going to become an ex again.
He thinks I'm playing games.
Well... I don't feel the need to explain, because if someone trusts and understands you,
they will.

You don't have to justify anything.
But honestly-
that doesn't matter anymore.

I really don't care about having him or not.

Because I just want to disappear.

I have sleeping pills with me now, and a stash of vodka and cider.
Used to drink vodka mixed, but now I simply drink from the bottle.

There's an appeal to getting drunk fast.
There's an appeal to heading out under the influence of alcohol.

The world blurs, and you don't feel the pangs of anxiety, or the scalding comments of someone who claims to love you.

I don't feel loved.
I know exactly what he will say to that.

I want to be alone.
I know exactly what he will say to that.

Still... I feel the same things.
Maybe because I'm too afraid to lean on mum and tell her exactly how bad it is,
Maybe I don't know how to explain this ennui, this hopeless loneliness...

Maybe I just need to be brave enough to swallow all the pills and drink as much vodka as I can before passing out.

I'm just afraid of the consequences.

Should I die, and there is an afterlife, I do not wish to be punished for 'wasting the gift of god'.
Should I not die, I am terribly afraid of brain damage, or distressed parents and an angry ex.. boyfriend... idk.

For months now I have thought a breakup was way better than staying together, for many many reasons.
But he will probably just assume I'm an ingrate and blaming him for stuffs.

Really though...
I just feel empty.
I don't know what the fuck all of this is for.

I wake up each day hoping I was dead.

I picture the many ways of doing so.
I also picture him getting into a minor accident and forgetting all about me.
I picture jumping into a time machine and going back to the first date, and not agreeing to it.

I want to be alone.

I'm terribly lonely.
I don't know what I want.

I want to cut myself.
I want to swallow pills.
I want to suffocate.
I want to jump.

I don't want consequences.

I hope I disappear.