Loneliness is frighteningly crippling.
It robs you of optimism, of reason;
It makes you despair even though there is hope as long as you don't give up;
It tears you apart, forces you to sob harder into the bedsheets-
It takes productivity away from you,
And I suppose the only surprising thing is how long I've gone without human interaction;
How far I've managed to come in spite of that.
Holy shite, you think.
You should have been broken from that pain a long time ago,
But I suppose it's the way I've been good at filling my heart with something else,
At accepting solitude and loneliness as it comes,
And something so soul-breaking is finally creeping up on me
Now that the terrible truth of facing a battle alone, alone-
alone-
That threatens to gobble you up.
I told you,
I'm not looking for romance.
I just wish I had a friend with me.
.
Recently I began studying with someone from drama club;
We didn't do much- just sat together due to the overbooked seats
Didn't talk much, only the occasional jokes and the dinner together;
I have to say,
I've been so starved of human connection that that alone makes me feel a million times better.
And last night, just when I thought this was going to continue
And I asked him if we could study together on weekends as well,
He said yes
And I just felt so much lighter.
Now though, he says he can't and I'm gonna have to do this alone again.
It's the emptiness from being alone that engulfs you,
It's how nice it felt to finally not eat a meal alone in this school full of grey walls and suffocation,
It's the feeling of having someone comfortably platonic, who doesn't try to fill up the spaces with unnecessary words.
And now it feels terrible again;
I wish I wasn't so needy,
But I really am not always like this.
Still, be alone for four years straight;
Face an insanely stressful national exam
And literally not have any conversation with anyone (I mean that you stop talking for a month straight)
And you slowly but surely
Start to break.
I just-
This is so hard to face alone.
