I want to disappear.
Eventually the suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and shaking become the norm.
Eventually it starts to feel like things will be way easier if you were alone.
There's so much that has happened and yet I don't feel the strength to pen it all down. As if any of it matters.
But my ex, now my boyfriend, is going to become an ex again.
He thinks I'm playing games.
Well... I don't feel the need to explain, because if someone trusts and understands you,
they will.
You don't have to justify anything.
But honestly-
that doesn't matter anymore.
I really don't care about having him or not.
Because I just want to disappear.
I have sleeping pills with me now, and a stash of vodka and cider.
Used to drink vodka mixed, but now I simply drink from the bottle.
There's an appeal to getting drunk fast.
There's an appeal to heading out under the influence of alcohol.
The world blurs, and you don't feel the pangs of anxiety, or the scalding comments of someone who claims to love you.
I don't feel loved.
I know exactly what he will say to that.
I want to be alone.
I know exactly what he will say to that.
Still... I feel the same things.
Maybe because I'm too afraid to lean on mum and tell her exactly how bad it is,
Maybe I don't know how to explain this ennui, this hopeless loneliness...
Maybe I just need to be brave enough to swallow all the pills and drink as much vodka as I can before passing out.
I'm just afraid of the consequences.
Should I die, and there is an afterlife, I do not wish to be punished for 'wasting the gift of god'.
Should I not die, I am terribly afraid of brain damage, or distressed parents and an angry ex.. boyfriend... idk.
For months now I have thought a breakup was way better than staying together, for many many reasons.
But he will probably just assume I'm an ingrate and blaming him for stuffs.
Really though...
I just feel empty.
I don't know what the fuck all of this is for.
I wake up each day hoping I was dead.
I picture the many ways of doing so.
I also picture him getting into a minor accident and forgetting all about me.
I picture jumping into a time machine and going back to the first date, and not agreeing to it.
I want to be alone.
I'm terribly lonely.
I don't know what I want.
I want to cut myself.
I want to swallow pills.
I want to suffocate.
I want to jump.
I don't want consequences.
I hope I disappear.
