Yay..

Sick, so I probably look like I'm dying.

Here's someone I've been watching for a year plus now, to cheer you--I mean me--up.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Z56MVC1-6dc
She really, really inspires me :)

Thank god I revised in advance for the test tomorrow, and completed most of the pressing things that had to be done. Doesn't mean there isn't a fresh list waiting tho.

I haven't thought of a good title yet.

It's been a pretty great month so far.
Read some books, started on guidebooks, started habits like reading lecture notes and doing tutorials asap, arranging consultations, sleeping early, making full use of break times and the such.

There's loads more to be done: I gotta contribute verbally in classes, for even if answers are in there if you don't open your mouth no one knows and it's the way the world works. Of course my thoughts have room for improvement but often times you realize it's actually correct/worth considering and it's really the speaking that's the work-- I gotta stop freaking out.
And um, I still don't act very well.
And a fresh start doesn't equate to beautiful math skills for a change. :<
Or chem for that matter, but this lil baby step forward still means something.

Every inch of my body aches and I have a medical checkup first thing tomorrow morning, so that's something to look forward to. Few days ago I unintentionally missed a lesson (and no, it's not because I didn't look at my timetable properly or any silly reason of that sort). I don't do such things on a whim. But the mistake was named 'playing truant', and one can only explain that much-- It's up to the teacher to believe me--- And that was one hell of a day. The next day was pretty good as a result, so that was that.

So yeah.
Listed below are a couple quick reads of the month.

1) Wonder by R.J. Palacio
I've heard truckloads of good things about this book, and I finally managed to get my hands on one. The story follows a middle school boy who is born with birth defects that makes him not look 'normal', and who goes to school for the first time instead of being homeschooled. It talks about people's judgment and the real and ugly ways in which humans would treat someone who looks, well, abnormal. (I really want to phrase this better tho.) There is a frequent mention of 'deformity', and it's both heart wrenching and memorable. Personally I didn't like that there were two faced characters inside in that it was middle school drama all the way through, ranging from 'popularity' and the such. (That's why I didn't like 'Mean Girls'.) Still, the fact that middle school kids--the age where you know exactly what you're saying, but would still say it anyway--- makes it a powerful book, with the drama being precisely the tool that makes things believable and true. There too is family in this, and I loved loved loved the quote: "no, no, it's not all random, if it really was all random, the universe would abandon us completely, and the universe doesn't. it takes care of its most fragile creations in ways we can't see. like with parents who adore you blindly, and a big sister who feels guilty for being human over you. and a little gravelly-voiced kid whose friends have left him over you. and even a pink-haired girl who carries your picture in her wallet. maybe it is a lottery, but the universe makes it all even out in the end. the universe takes care of all its birds."
The ending was idealistic but sweet, fuzzy despite the predictability. This book, in short, has impact; I recommend it.

2) The Goats by Brock Cole
Two children are bullied, stripped, and thrown onto an island. One later finds out that it is a tradition of the school, where it's supposedly a 'stage of growing up' and where the boy finds his 'manhood'. In short, the title explains it all: They're treated as and expected to be goats, as livestock, who mate the second they're alone and naked. And while it is a sickening theory, it doesn't sidetrack us from the main reason-- Bullying, and a bit of the 'rationale' behind it. Even adults ignore what they observe.. It makes you uncomfortable reading it. Oh, oh. I forgot. I was summarizing this book
The guy then decides to disappear along with the girl as an act of protection: For who knew what the kids might do to them when they returned in the morning? What about the humiliation?-- But more so than that, it was an act of defiance. The boy was no coward; He just didn't know how to deal with it.
Second, there was the undercurrent of sexual content, but it never takes over to distract us from the main ideas of the books, or for cheap entertainment purposes. While the boy observed the girl's naked body, there was no sexual desire concerned. Their relationship never went in that direction, but every single adult who looked and saw them together instinctively jumped to the conclusion that they were sexual partners and people to be abhorred. Which gives rise to the thought: Pedophiles see children as sexual objects. These people do too, don't they? The only difference would be that pedophiles feel sexual attraction Towards the children and sexualise them, whereas adults do not feel that urge themselves but still regard the children as sexual objects. 'If you look at a child and see something sexual, there's something wrong with you.' ... Hm.

Aren't we all hypocrites then? Aren't we all not as good as we'd like to think?
That was what I was wondering anyway.

3) Darkest Hour by Virginia Andrews
It was good, then it just became this escalation of a growing girl's terrible life. Halfway through I was all "Okay we get it, she's sad. Everything that can possibly break a person happens to her." Niles a charming and sweet boyfriend-to-be died a senseless death, the leaving of the servants were predictable, the father was obviously going to rape her and she was definitely going to get pregnant.I cried oceans and oceans of tears, but it wasn't enjoyable. I didn't learn anything, there weren't arguments raised by the book... It was, in my narrow opinion, written solely for entertainmet's sake. Like can you at least kill characters with some deeper reason and meaning behind it? Also there was so much religion and there was character growth but it just wasn't enough; Ups were clearly there for the sake of the downs, and there is no surprise element.
The reason for my disappointment is that it is supposedly a 'bestseller' and the synopsis promised a cliched but sweet sounding love story... That only came true for the last thirty pages of the book-- out of 400 plus. Go figure.
The only good thing was probably the ending, where she become an independent young woman-- But the guy didn't truly love her and had affairs like one would breathe.
In conclusion, this was a highly realistic book in that characters sounded real, and playboys don't convert, at least not in every single story. Still, I couldn't find meaning in it, and that upsets me.

4) Divergent by Veronica Roth
I needed to know what the hype was about. It was such a great deal too---3 for $10! I got the Hunger games trilogy at that price too, so that was awesome :>
And um since my Bio lecturer kinda fitsthe description I may or may not have had him acting out the scenes in my head.  *Digs a hole and burrows deep into the earth*
Just... Forget that I wrote that.
Thank you.

A summary probably isn't needed here, so I'll just get to it. Divergent probably means the idea that none of us can be boxed into a single crate, that having all sorts of personas within yourself is what makes you unique, that predictability is what makes you controllable and vice versa... Am stating the obvious here. Love story was nice and slightly different, action was painful to picture, and it was very true: Showing weakness is what makes people feel closer, and want to get closer to you. Similar to how intelligent people act duller in real life. Similar to having to open up before others open up to you, though of course half of the population aren't like that. "I don't need them, but do I want them?"

Do you?

5) Perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
I think you saw this coming.
I don't even wanna gush too much about it anymore: This book is officially my favorite--- For now. The movie altered some things (yes I rewatched it) but I still really enjoyed it. Loving the book. Love Charlie. Love Sam. Love how messed up the people are, how they all make mistakes, shatter, and pick up the poisonous shards only to wound themselves all over again or to glue them back together with flimsy threads called Time and Love.

Goodness gracious I'm definitely failing Lit with this level of coherence.

So yes. Five books is okay I suppose, but I intend to either maintain it or step up my game from now on. Same goes to studies. Especially studies. This one year really wouldn't be as easy anymore, so I really gotta change myself for that. Welp. Let's do it shall we?

Here's to the upcoming month, 加油加油加油!!

There'd probably be many failures along the way, but it wouldn't change a thing.

I'm legit scaring myself with all the thoughts that has gotten into me lately.

Perhaps it has always been there; I just never acknowledged it.

Oh my goodness
Let's go for it I suppose

Maybe I'm aiming too high, but uh we should try anyway

Wheeeww.

Loving this song.

I don't know.

Despite concern, one should not probe.

Despite worry, one should not initiate.

Not after having been told by the other party that they need time alone, anyway.

Yes it's been eleven days, yes you probably should be spontaneous
For a human this important, you want to be doing something.

But there is a difference between spontaneity and insensitivity.

You can't be that one obnoxious friend who has a complete lack of self awareness.

You gotta think for them. You gotta think so much it isn't too much.

And so you shall wait

Until she says it's okay for you to ask if she's okay

Because that's what good friends do, that's what friends are for.

I think the best days are the days whereby you don't try to make it beautiful, or good, or even the least bit different. For despite being constant it never is fully predictable, and there is almost always fun present.

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with this urge to get drenched.
Soaked.

So I did.
Just two days ago I went and took a walk in the rain.
I may have danced in it, too.

And today,
Was a happening day.
Nothing too out there,
But I awoke to a beautiful article written by a coach from before,
About EL Drama, about us.

Then,
I had breakfast.
Mum always takes such care in making sure the Milo's the perfect temperature.
Dad comments, surprised, about the smell of the bread-even though it's the same one he's been buying for years.

I go to school,
have my first consultation for studies,
Find out what a gentleman my Chem teacher is (he left the space and walked back only to open the door for me. Like what?)
"What do you normally struggle with in Chem? What do you intend to do about it? Don't answer me, answer yourself."
((Okay yes I'm a sponge when it comes to cliches and movie-ish lines. And yes he probably planned that. But you gotta admit this teacher is one of the best that you can ever meet!!))


...and decide to pester them teachers whenever need be. (Bio lecturer is a cute, straight faced guy who's actually loads of fun. Lit is one that of a nice, intellectual, and eccentric old man. GP is another person who values the opinions of students- Which is frankly, rare.)

CCA,
And I act in the most cringeworthy way I can-- I've always wanted to. And so I did.
And I cringed. They cringed. And we all laughed.

Then we had dinner at Burger King together-
These people are hilarious.
Then I met mum in the interchange,
And we go on to granny's house for grandpa's birthday.
We talk.

Home,
and discover that lil bro's sick, so you rub some oil on his tummy.

Now mum takes care of him
And you curl up with a book.



.
See?
It's so mundane, my life.
But somehow this has been one of the most happening days of my life.
It has been interesting.
And I feel like crying again,
Only that I recall jokes made by them and I laugh instead.

I would be scared. And sad. Throw in some feeling of being romantic and quiet crashing waves and I guess, there it is. My very dreamy painting. Or, or... You could just call me pretentious. :>

Just finished my first ever painting on a tiny canvas with acrylics

Perhaps there was too much blue involved
Perhaps snow and a red moon (slanted to one side since you don't ever use rulers) just added to it
Perhaps not referring to anything, watching perks of being a wallflower and warm bodies while you worked on it caused it to be so
But looking at it makes me feel heavy. Forlorn.
It's so flat due to the lack of skill and predictable color scheme, but it surprised me by what it made me feel. I hope, that it goes beyond heavy usage of the color blue alone.

I didn't feel like showing it to anyone else after lil bro-
He said 'beautiful'.

I swear, this guy's gonna be a ladies' man when he grows up.


Perhaps I should add some vibrancy to it; We shall see.
PS. I now know it was dark green and not black I grabbed at the art supplies store. Now excuse me as I go pout in a corner.

This anime is precious to me. Not sure how it relates to this insignificant handiwork but oh well.

One of the saddest things in life.

So I saw something that looked like a fairy clad in green zooming past,
fantasized about having some secret powers and being some chosen human,
was happy for a minute,

Then realized that it was a sparrow carrying leaves.

...I may or may not feel a little betrayed.

The hard copy version of LOTF is not yet a secured deal. I feel... A little overexcited, and for nothing at all.

So much good has happened recently.

The party that turned out to be great, the presents they seemed to like, the ones you got that you absolutely loved
The picnic together, the sandwiches one of them rather flattered you through enjoyment
The results from today for the Mandarin national exam
The prank call on mum, the non surprising fact that she gave the exact response you expected: Calm, forgiving, sincere, accepting, and worried.
The laughter that burst forth from her lips when you showed her the actual grade.
The fact that she asked you what you wanted in return,
But you just couldn't think of anything at that moment.


All the teachers seem to be great human beings.
No biased ones, but we shall have to see.
Two slightly impatient ones, but that's perfectly alright.
A couple of them seem to be real great at what they do,
And you almost but didn't take on the job you dreaded but wanted to face.
Two homosapiens from the past have appeared yet again within your life
And it shall not mean anything other than another human---That's it.


It's easy, far too easy-- to become a loner yet again
But it ain't as important anymore.
Adequate socializing, friendliness and smiling will do,
Everything else is great enough
There's more important things to do anyway
And a single friend on its own is more than enough.

More books, perhaps?
You can never have too many excuses for when and how to treat yourself, after all.

Low on self esteem so you run on gasoline.

I wonder what makes relationships fail.

Is it the distance, the miscommunication, the gap sustained through commitment alone, love without treating the person well, or just the plain ole 'I'm sick of you'?
Sour relationships happen all the time.
People are rather constant even if they're the emotional type; You can't change overnight, the little subtle things you pick up and change is what's gradual. Therefore almost all human beings cease to be exciting after a while- They become boring, even annoying, to you.
The honeymoon periods are nice but afterwards there should have been something stronger, something stickier.

I guess what I'm saying is that distrusting people, distrusting the amount of faith you should put into relationships, and distrusting in idealism is a good thing.
Through distrust in this manner, you are cautious.
You don't give too much away, you don't rely as much.
You are, in a sense, independent.
You sustain yourself; your emotional well being does not sit on the shoulders of whom you're connecting with.

You have more time to choose who to open up to,
And there's a significantly lesser number of it.

It's not the closing of the heart out of fear of getting hurt. Rather, it is the act of being meticulous in the caring for one's own heart, of one's own secrets, however trivial.


Besides, you don't bore people as quickly that way.

This I am well aware is a pessimistic and narrow view, but it too can't be denied that hearts in general are fickle and our current age doesn't make us capable of holding up something this strong, however mature you are. Unless, that is, you are one of the few ancient people who are loyal to a fault.

Therefore perhaps it is better that we do not open up that easily, that we aren't open books, that we always have a dimension after another to be unfolded and gazed into.. Or not to be penetrated and only to be gazed upon.

Still, when conflicts happen the inevitable first thing that pops up in one's mind is probably the awe at how at ease these people are with each other, how willingly they show their ugly side, how easily flaws are unveiled and how it's almost always an instant insight into all the others concerned.

People get infatuated with one another, be it in the friendship or romance aspect. That then simmers down to a bland constancy, dulled by time and peppered with the ever so common revelations of characters. Once that's over, too, things escalate and people get sick of one another. What was once minute things disagreeable to one brews and rubs, it becomes an annoying trait to have, something to be 'changed', that one 'cannot stand', that one cannot appreciate and is always pissed off by.
Commitment or some invisible tie will still hold things together, tho.
However that doesn't mean anything other than an intertwining of fates: You are no longer fascinated by the other person, you want them to be both close by and distant enough so as to be liked all over again.
Sure relationships are sustained through effort, and you have to find a way to both be the one who doesn't tire of the other, and doesn't make yourself someone who's stagnant, predictable, and boring. Still, don't we all get boring at some point? Or is it that people in general don't have what it takes to do so, and that it is actually, possible?

I wonder: Is this pessimism, or is it true?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zRHNi3QfFlE

To making it count! (Reference there)

I shall be ambitious; I shall aim high without being unrealistic, and I will work for it.
What's past is past. (And I mean that academically) What's to come matters more, now. Way, way, more.

I am so frightened.
But I shall read the guidebooks and text break-downs, practice math, and read as many books as possible. I shall pore over what English textbooks I have managed to get my hands on thus far- I shall try to improve my English, hopefully, alongside the removal of my ignorance of the world, and in turn have a better head on my shoulders- For I need to be capable of thought, and soon.

Yet I shall not be in a hurry; I should not.

It will work.
I trust that it will.

It's just that a little biting thing buzzes near my ear, that is of no consequence, that I should and will not care about.
It's a fresh new year after all.

So
Let's make it count, shall we?

By the way, this is my current level of English. Fragmented, wrong, littered with errors and unsophisticated. In time, will it become -at the very least- Coherent and organized? Regardless, there has to be something different from now. There has to be.

*Strokes the books I own in the 'least' perverted way possible*

Currently, pretty much all of my books are preloved and bought at great prices like $2-$3. That's why, I can't bring myself to buy some that're in the $10-$15 range.

And so
I shall keep looking :'(

WISH LIST (AKA BOOKS TBR BEFORE LIFE ENDS)
-Love letters to the dead
-Wonder
-A monster calls
-Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe
-The Martian
-Origin

That's it for now.
I have a million books waiting to be read but that doesn't scrap me of my right of wishing for other books. (I know, I'm terrible. *cries*)

Probably getting the divergent and hunger games series at 4-5 per book, 12 years a slave, the time keeper, perks of being a wallflower, Tuesdays with Morrie, The first five people you meet in heaven, lord of the flies...


Lord of the flies.

Can I-
Can I jus-

CAN I PLEASE HAVE A MOMENT HERE.
ITS TWO DOLLARS.
AND YES IT PAINS ME BUT ITS MY FAVOURITE BOOK OF ALL TIME AND IVE FINALLY MANAGED TO GET MY HANDS ON THE HARDCOPY.

NO MORE PDF.
NO MORE LIGHTED SCREENS.

I GET THE SEXY TEXTURE OF A HARDCOPY BOOK.


Sorry for the indulgence there.
*cough*

BUT I HAD TO.
I MEAN-

I mean.
I'm soooooooooooooooo EXCITED! *squeals*

Yeah that's right.
You can never get over books.

And you might just get yourself one-two from that wish list of yours.
When you're feeling rich, that is.

Till then,
Let me revel in the beautiful shelf that is stuffed with these rays of goodness.

And yes.
I NEED TO STOP. (At least for now)

Happy new year!

I made a wish when the fireworks started, and repeated that same wish when it ended.

It was beautiful; I totally saw the intricate details whilst the beautiful tree shrouded it and left parts of it to my imagination.

I could have had a better angle but spending that one moment with family was more important.
Spraying that bottle of thingy at your little brother is more fun,
Tho it is a tiny bit of a pity that fireworks weren't the full sight they could have been.

Still.
Never have I paid so much attention to fireworks, to the mark of the ending of a year.

I guess- Part of me doesn't want this beautiful year to end.
Part of me is scared.

But part of me is all ready to go, too.



.
Exhaustion doesn't settle in till you settle down huh
It'll be around 4am when I finally sleep,
So I suppose I'll hop onto the Jane Eyre ship for a little--just a little, for I'm at the Mr Rochester part-- before I decidedly/unconsciously sail off to Snoozeville.

Goodnight world;
Goodbye 2015.

You'll always be the best year I've ever had. *cue cliché emotional music*

Now, let's make 2016 just as amazing, or better yet, even better.

The list of buckets--is ever growing.

Went volunteering for the countdown event just as desired, and while it wasn't as meaningful and enjoyable as the first time, it struck something off your bucket list---Being a mascot and creeping up on children with that permanent smile etched on like a tattoo.
Whilst taking pictures one had to constantly remind herself to not grin so widely too, since it's in no way part of the picture.

Well.
Who knew that inside of that bulbous mascot head was a helmet to be fastened on and a tiny fan that's spoilt and with dangling wires all over the place?
30 mins wasn't enough, but it was good enough for the first time.

I think,
One day I will sign up to be a mascot as a part time job or charity if possible, for a minimum of three days.

Yeah. Let that be the new item on the 'Things I have to do before my heart stops'.

I mean, who cares if it's stuffy and heavy and breaks your neck?
Who cares if your sight is limited to two wasp-like tiny air holes and you walk in the least dignified way possible to avoid tripping and kicking children at the height of otherworldly-vision-aka-impossibledegreesofdepression-?
It's the job of being a mascot.

And you feel both cute and kiddish while wearing it.
You mingle with kids and they all love you.
They're all sweet and nice and well mannered.

The smile they give out when you do obnoxious actions and wave like you're on drugs--

That's what matters.


You're not sure if you're still in for the countdown of next year,
But this sure as heck was fun, though albeit dissatisfying since that thirty minutes and the buffet at the end was really all you felt made the day. There wasn't stuff you according to your committee had to do--honestly-- and you didn't exactly get jobs when asking for it.
So yeah.
Maybe not.


But mascot?

Yes.

Yes please.