While my guitar gently weeps

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_zagM1Memfw

After such a long Friday,
I figured I deserved a break.

There is much to be said,
But for the first time in forever I was able to complete every question in the chemistry test that followed the typical mindblank in math,
And, well,

Progress is slow but sure.

The plan is to write a GP essay weekly, a couple of Lit paragraphs, and have loads of practice in chemistry. This means a minimum of three consultations weekly, with the possible add-on of one on math- but that'll have to depend on the amount of work that I manage to complete amidst everything else that's ongoing.

Anyhow,
I am most definitely boring you with the pressure that I'm facing.

The tests are finally over for the term,
So let's just spend the remaining time on establishing a steady revision system, shall we?
I've already begun the consultations weeks ago, so that's a start.

The combination of diarrhoea and a period has to be the best way to wake up in the morning,
But it ain't like I am complaining much, am I?  ;)



.
*sips green tea from my reindeer mug*

Let's just aim to sleep more from now on.
But first,
Have some Korean rice cakes on my behalf, won't you?

I've been craving them all week,
And I wake up on most days with cravings.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FNw0gj_2iRI

I didn't want to share this because you'll know for sure how weak I am, but this is how it is and writing does a better job than speaking, so here you go.

I most definitely did the work.
It's math again,
Another test that's on the latest topics,
And I did the tutorials on time; listened in class, tried to understand and did the revision package.

But as always the actual test comes along and the mind blank happens.
All of a sudden I can't recall the question that I've done five versions of;
All of a sudden I wasn't sure what I was doing anymore,
And to give you an idea of how absolutely out of control I was- I legitimately couldn't add 4 and 5 together, how bout that.

Then the more I tried to shake this off,
The more the words danced across my paper,

And I had to admit that I was freaking out even though I don't shiver and my heart rate remains the same.
It's strange that even I can't figure out when it is that nerves have taken over;
And I have to deduce that from the fact that my mind has completely stopped working.

It's really silly how my weak mindedness has been such a continuous problem, but there you go.

And I suppose the only solution out of this complete halt in the cogs of my brain is
More practice, and the assurance that comes with that.

Honestly
There is a desire to cry because of how often this happens,
But you don't for whatever reason
And you get this sickening feeling in the pits of your fearful soul instead-
One that ironically sits, confidently, in your shaky cavern of a mind.

I suppose you call that a feeling of gloom;

The day has only started and there's another test, timed practice, and remedial to go.

Perhaps I'm just not doing enough:
This fatal sick feeling in me will just have to be overcome that way.

Flush red

I awoke with the metallic smell that comes with strange dreams, hovering above me like a cloud that refuses to dissipate.

The bizarre tension in me didn't keep me awake, though;
I was too exhausted to even contemplate the significance of it before dozing off again.

Something had happened to make me freeze up in fear,
And it was, frankly, quite bad because all I could manage to do-
All I did, was breathe.
Air came out of me in gasps, my heart felt like it was in quick sand
I was sinking, I felt seized and wooden,
And I remained tied to the same spot, tied by a rather overwhelming sense of helplessness; I tried desperately to form words- to respond to the perpetrator, to make it stop
But I had no strength in me: None even to move a finger.

And so,
I simply gulped and struggled;
Distinctly I remember staring straight at the human, too captured by shock to do anything but be aware of the fact that my eyes did what my laboured breathing could not.

I wasn't being murdered, or raped- there was no death, just
Something I wasn't- wouldn't be prepared to handle if someone were to-

And I must have woken up somehow, then sank back to a completely irrelevant dream context, because in that dream I'd fallen asleep right after the shock took over.

And uh
If you haven't yet noticed...

I am extremely embarrassed by this.

Help me understand how you think,

I'll be everything you need, just never let me go.

'I'll taste the poison for you
For you to adore me, adore me'

^ Stunning, ain't it?

.
What do you call a human lying on a beach with a broom?






Sandwich. ;)

Suffice it to say that I couldn't get over it;
that is my type of humor right there.

.
There is this headache that returns every Friday,
And to keep me from instantaneous combustion I've named it Pecan Jim.

Meet Pecan Jim;
He hits on me every Friday without fail.
My head is knocked up,
And I'd continue, but it's too much lameness in one day so I'll stop.

.
Does the past define who you are?

Personally, I think it does.
When I fall in love,
When anything and everything you do is gonna matter that much,
When you're my king,

I'd like to know if your crown is made from pilfered jewels,
If it's blackness that runs in you,
Or if it is the light that shines through in the present.

It's true that I'd only know of the you of now,
That it is the present that truly matters for the simple reason that it is the future to be looked forward to, and the current bliss that we're ultimately experiencing,
That everyone's got a past,
And that it isn't always pretty.
Since it's long over, there isn't really a need to dig it up, is there?

Still I've always thought that past experiences both reveal and shape your being,
That if I am to connect with you on as many levels as I possibly can,
I will have to know all of you- the good, and the bad.

Because how can I possibly claim to love you for your entirety, for who you are,
For all that's beyond the pretty side that you choose to present-
When I am denied the knowledge of what causes your vulnerability
And all the decisions you made, all the tears you shed, and all the turning points that's gotten you to your current, charming self?

Offering up details is a choice, and it's yours to make.
Still, I'd like to get an idea- if that isn't too intrusive and selfish of me;

I'd like to know for sure if this feeling is truly unconditional.

Ignorance doesn't seem to be it;
Full awareness and the acceptance that follows is.

To me, the past matters as much as the present or the future.
To me, it is the invisible foundation that most dislike elaborating upon,
It is the basis upon which everything else is built, one that could crumble,
Or be blueberry crumble.

We'll decide together, won't we?

Waiting.

Why is it that we can have so many fragmented phrases bubbling up within us, affecting, memorable, and eloquent,
Yet when we try to express it it turns incoherent and weightless?

All of a sudden,
The blank space here that always helps remains blank,
All of a sudden it feels like a task to fill it up.

I've been rather emotional lately.

There. I said it,
And have I been honest like this before?

.
I require sleep.
I need to do some things right,
And I don't want to be so so sensitive, I really don't.

But if someone gets angry at you for the little things,
It really, really
Doesn't help.

E-learning day and I'm back at school,
Feeling bulky and thin, weighty and like I'm maintained by a thread.

Some days you laugh so hard at jokes
But you tear up so easily, too.

I only wanted your opinion on things;
Not an argument.

.
I heard sniffling in the bathroom,
A foreign language, a somewhat monotone way of speaking when it pains you,
And a vulnerability poured into a phone call.

It was the cleaner
The one that you greet daily, the one that smiles

'is everything okay?' you ask,
Despite common sense telling you to leave it.

And there wasn't an answer,
Only squeezed smiles and a string of questions to extract trivialities from your mouth, for you to take the hint and let it go, for you to not ask further.

Indeed, I shouldn't have acted over familiar.

Then there are some other things, too...

Salted caramel

It's been a while.

So much has gone past me with the speed of a bunny steering a spaceship drowned in Christmas lights and pictures of his favorite carrots,
And it'd be boring if I constantly started my writing this way
But I'd like you to know that I've been starving myself of the need to write,
To pour my thoughts onto an ubiquitous page,
And to take the time to truthfully articulate each and every event of my life.

I suppose I just wanted to treat this as a reward somehow.

As a result of that, I have far too much to fit into letters,
Far too much to be organized beyond the playful chaos in my mind.

Still,
I'm in a really good place in life right now.
The recent discovery of a study room five minutes away from the house has led to far more productive expenditure of time,
And I wake up every morning to a need to complete more,
To stay on task, be ahead, and be focused.

Each day I'm trying to memorise tons of facts and formulas,
And when I'm not doing that I'm reading and rereading texts and notes.

There are plans, and there is ambition.
Yet you can't freak out; you can't ever afford to get overwhelmed.
Like it always is
We take it,
One step
at a time.

Suspended
in
             
             Air


I assure you, we can go further than where we are now.

And perhaps it'd be entertaining for you to know that the fiend has returned for a part three of her story, and its strange how someone who hurt you tries to get you back
But that is how it is-
And I wondered for a couple of minutes
If I were being too petty, too hard-hearted, and too unforgiving
To be unable to appreciate the honest efforts of someone else at salvaging a relationship long gone and rotten

And came,
To the expected conclusion that anger is one thing, forgiveness another,
And self protection as the one thing that shouldn't ever be neglected.


Perhaps it makes for a severe personality,
But there is a difference between holding on to grudges
And being smart enough to protect yourself.

She locked the gate up herself;
She entered with a swagger in her walk and a head held high,
Then left with stolen gold and a trudge in her creepy steps.

If she's done it once, she'll do it twice.
Second chances are for the ones that earn it;
I was honestly ready to let go of the fact that she was selfish and hurtful: Part of me had thought it understandable that she'd do all that.
But the constant act for sympathy and her leech qualities are, quite frankly put, repulsive,
And it makes it clear that she'd just be one of those faceless bad friends that I've had the intelligence to make.

And I do wonder if this is what an annoying ex feels like- I really do.

Either way,
There is more work to be done,
And I've just been too tired every night to do anything other than sleep
Or to revise for the next test.

It feels amazing to wake up to completed tasks and to-do lists, you know.

And I really do wish
That no matter where you are in life
No matter what it is that hounds you,

You're in a happy place,
Doing your own thing,
With your own goals, ambitions, and dreams.
You are concentrating on what's crucial,
You don't dwell for eternity on the little bit of mud on your shoe,
And you don't let things get to you as much because there's something else,
Something bigger, something beautiful, something up and out there.
Every night is submerged in the tenseness that comes with a busy and exhausting life,
Every morning the slight anxiety at what's to come,
Every afternoon a constant rescheduling of that ten-minute snooze you so constantly crave,
And every meal a satisfied desire stemming from a rich soul.

You're reaching out to what makes you fulfilled,
You are finally doing that meet up with someone important despite everything else,
You're making your little promises come true,
And you're just that tiny step closer to who you wish to blossom into.

Because,  after all
That is what life's all about.