Winter is coming

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NPeMX92GPRM

Exhaustion is setting in,
I've seen so many people for such extended periods of time,
Discussing projects, watching movies together, and conversing,
That the little time needed off for myself hasn't exactly been there.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ywIIh9YbNQM

Don't get me wrong though;
I had fun.

Beauty and the Beast's censorship enrages me,
But still it'd been fun- So much time has passed since I last went out with a group of humans other than my cca mates, that the rarity of watching a movie together with someone didn't strike me till much later.
Turns out, it was a lot nicer than I'd given it credit for.
New friends or not, I'm glad for the change,
And it seems to me that having left someone selfish and ugly like that was only for the better, not worse.

Now, though,
I shall have to leave my warm nest of a home once again
To prepare for the storytelling session tomorrow
And to enjoy some sushi- alone.

The trip to the beach has to wait for now;
There is much work to be done
And I can't exactly afford it anymore.

Words exploded from within you, and all I could provide was an arm around you.

We started off with casual words,

An attempt to reconnect the closeness we once had as children

Or the moments we once shared.

Yet we didn't have anything in common;

Your world had receded to an even smaller circle and I had lost 

the pure social skills I used to possess,

That used to allow me to converse easily with anyone.

Silence seeped in,

And I let it. What for force conversation when you discuss the price of vegetables, right?

I was content to spend a few hours with you,

Even if it simply meant companionship in its shallow literal sense.

'So... that's it for today then. Do you want to go back?'

'No, I wanna stay for a little more.'

Somehow,

The words that followed turned into a complete opening up,

One that revealed you in your entirety,

One that truly saddened me,

One that I wanted to help with but couldn't.

Since I promised privacy but am still troubled by this,

This level of detail will do-

Somehow,

I learnt the most vulnerable parts of you in monologues that soon ensued,

And I listened,

Unsure of what to do.

Because here was something that slapped me across the face with the recognition that I should have been there for you from a long time ago, 

That I shouldn't have let so many factors come into play to cause me to not be there,

And that the situation you are in is much worse than I'd anticipated.

Had I chosen to ignore the hints of your hurt that was so glaring?

Had I, like so many other people,

Chosen convenience over truth,

And in doing so, chosen to be part of why your world has warped itself into the way it is now?

I assure you,

There is no pity.

There is no pedestal, and there is nothing greater about me when it comes to you.

But I truly haven't noticed..

I was a kid and still am,

And I wasn't able to tell the problems of your life because 

I thought that you were in a good place-

I thought that you were, like me,  in a good place.

The truth tho

Is that we live in extremely different contexts of a world,

And I could have been so much help,

Always made half hearted efforts at trying to be a friend to you,

And yet hadn't been because-

Some of us are too busy with our lives to bother with yours.

We just can't see suffering until it's told to our faces, can we.

And we'll never find out the stories behind each teary-filled midnight if we're never let in to be shown those tears,

And we're never opened up to unless we are sensitive enough and willing to help-

That which I was not.

It was verbal diarrhoea from you,

And it was clear that you weren't used to conversations because you didn't seem well adjusted to talking or, well, listening. There were loads of interruptions and a very static topic, a general discomfort at any pockets of silence, and a difficulty at expression.

That was when it hit me that I should have gone over more times than I did,

To just speak with you and know what's going on.

It should've been so much more..

But it's difficult to want to provide comfort through time when you yourself don't enjoy the experience- when it feels like stupendous effort

And you aren't actually aware of the importance of it all. 

My writing's a mess because it's a lot to take in,

And I want to help but it's insufficient and not enough,

And there's just so much: so much, that all I could do was emphasise that it isn't your fault and never will be, that it'll only worsen from here, that you should therefore take steps to make little changes for improvement, that I'll be here.

You said that having someone to talk to is enough,

But is it forceful for me to tell you that something needs to be done because this is too harmful a situation for you?

Because you're too important for me to be a mere listener and not to try giving you advice;

Even if self-control had taken over, lots of thoughts were held in,

And I'd told you to just take a ten minute stroll each day, for a start. 

If I overdid it it'd have been bad,

But if I let it be who knows how it'll progress from there.

This is highly unsettling, but I suppose that with my meagre intentions,

We shall settle with this for now. 

Sail me away

I love this.

On a certain day in the holidays,
When the skies are riddled with heavy baggages of clouds
And I'm all alone at home with my music,
Highlighting model essays and consolidating work
The ambience of it hit me,
And tho I tend to romanticise things that normally aren't special
I couldn't help but crave the tickly touch of grass,
Open toes in a soft cushion of sand
Raindrops spalttering pools of coolness on the face,
And a particular salty smell swirled with little bits of laughter.

I felt the familiar feeling of being overwhelmed, and being too soft to deal with it the right way.

I want to dig a hole, and die inside.

Oh hold up, that's what happens ain't it


Change of location for storytelling today, and the kids are unexpectedly rowdy-
I mean like half of them stand up continuously, telling them to sit down doesnt work,
Giving out sweets becomes a grab fest whereby they shove each other,
some of them fall onto the ground like dominos,
Making the timid ones cry and the quiet ones tremble whilst
The obnoxious ones get six or seven,
And all the stories were interjected with 'I can't see!' and screeches of anger.

It was a flipping disaster,
And I was genuinely intimidated by how they were all up in your face,
With no restraint or manners, grabbing those sweets like their lives depended on it.

After all, the kids at the other library hadn't been this intense..
They were really nice and sweet little beings.

Then the librarian assigned to help me today stepped in and pretty much yelled at them-
Don't get me wrong, I really appreciated the help there.
Still, he'd been the scariest of them all: Shouting with a permanent smile on his face and all that.
Then he offered me advice, and told me to intimidate them with silence and stuffs

I mean that someone like this was really needed for a situation like that,
And mental preparation hadn't gotten me far enough to deal with it effectively so it'd really helped,
But being fierce and instilling discipline in children when my intentions are to merely read and make them enjoy the stories as is isn't part of what I believe in, and I thought to myself that I really could have handled the situation so much better and yet hadn't because of lack of tact and whatnot.

All that aside, though
There'd been an extremely adorable child amidst the hard faces and dulled eyes;
One that cried from all the confusion and chaos,
A little boy in a checkered shirt and a smooth waterfall of hair.

He had to be the only nice part about today-
I tried giving him a hug but he'd stiffened and stayed rooted in one spot,
And I'd awkwardly ended up patting him on his little head,
Offering him sweets and telling him that it's alright.

Then he'd cried again,
Rubbing his eyes and mumbling something that I couldn't quite make out until five or six repetitions later
'...bye bye', he squeaked
And for a moment I simply gazed at him with the creepy reaction of a teenager stunned by the simplistic cuteness of it all.

'Oh.. oh! Um, thanks- bye. Thank you for coming; I hope you enjoyed the stories'

Smiling usually works,
But here a sweet and shy boy simply nodded and went off,
Taking a piece of my heart with him.

See, this is why I still believe in humanity.


.
Oh god,
This was suuuuuch a disaster though.

I want to dig a hole, and cower in it.
Hush

First signs

Perfect music for drinking

^Well, at least that's what I thought when I heard it for the first time.

One thing I love about this year is that every day is so eventful,
Every weekend so filled with different occurrences and emotions,
Every step a slight scoff at yourself that slowly turns into a grin,
That you really can't complain about the exhaustion that creeps in ever so quickly,
Not really.

That first sip of beer was just as horrendous tasting as the time when dad had me try it,
And so is the disappointment at something so raved about turn out to be so... bad.

Wine or apple cider is much better imo
I honestly don't know why I'd expected someone's company to magically change the taste of the drink, but that's me for you I suppose.
I'd ended up not drinking after all;
Still, the company was pretty cool
And as we sat on the rooftop at VivoCity, overlooking the dark buildings and mass of lights,
Top ten hits playing in the background,
Couples making out in corners,
This new friend and I conversing,

I thought about how a younger version of me would have looked on,
Envious, noting every detail,
romanticising the breeze that seemed to blow hair in the right direction,
The occasional chuckle and the fluctuations in tone and speech,
Legs stretched out without a care in the world,
Chin angled, towards the night sky
Where lone stars could sometimes be seen when the moon wasn't clouded over,
And how she wished for a night like that too: A little ambience in the mundane, a little connection with someone she happened to know, a little sweet getaway on a Saturday night.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=chTFo23ZM-Y

.
I passed my chem test for the first time since JC happened;
(Trust me, I'm a great deal less calm than I appear to sound-
It's more of a ADFHGHDBVDHC than a 'I casually passed',
But I am really relieved by this.

It is, after all,
The first sign of improvement,
The first little victory in a long while.

But I don't wanna be counting my chickens before they hatch,
So let's just focus on the fact that mistakes were what kept me from getting an actual B, shall we?   It could have been so much better.

I'm still failing math and bio though,
But things gotta be taken one step at a time or else it'll always seem so impossible.

Then there is GP,
And the very first B that I've gotten for the essay.
I know what this sounds like,
But it ain't that easy, alright?

It shows progress, however slight.

And this is possible after all-
It is possible,
The exhaustion is worth it.


I'll make it,
I'll make it.




.
The Pillowman's the last play that the cca will get to watch-
Well, together, and for free anyway.

Personally it'd been too disturbing for me,
And aside from that it'd been too explicit (not just the violence or language) in the sense that I prefer it when revelations are done subtly, and through subtexts, but they'd had done both the method of implying truths, and of articulating it straight out right after, and for several times at that.
Parodies had nothing about it that was left unsaid
That took the complexity away for me;
And the fact that one point was made via too many repeated metaphors made it lesser of a play than I'd built my expectations up to be.
I too like to think of it as my lack of depth in thought that causes me to think this,
But several gory details and plot lines lacked meaning for me, and it all seemed to rely on shock factor.

Unlike the others, I didn't mind that it was a writer's play- draggy or not, I'd liked it. Still, the (spoilerrrrrrrr)

Gunshot at the very end had me freaked out;
And I found myself crying from mere shock the way a five year-old would at a  jump scare.
Then the trembling came,
And the embarrassment and teasing that followed, relentless but filled with casual humour.

I'd given this little yelp, after all.
Whatever happened to audience etiquette, right?

Oh god, stop it. >~<



But it does make you think about real life shootings,
And

I shiver to think of anyone who has to go through that.
.

Oh, hey March.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DPL_SV3n7IU

^ I just wanted to share something beautiful with you.


It's been a long day- I mean week
-er.. Month.

Yeah, that's what I said.

This is more taxing on the body than I'd anticipated it to be,
And it's all gonna be worth it somehow;

You just got to celebrate every little success and not let the string of failures dampen your drive.

If straining myself silly with workload like this is gonna cut it,
Then so be it,
And I will suck it all up and do whatever's required to get me to where I have to be.

Gosh, and it's already been two months.
Another thirty days, and the little quota that I've set for myself is up.

Certain bullet points are in the process of being ticked off the list,
And certain ones are not.

I feel a little like a drunk rabbit strumming a guitar,
But that's just one of many images that don't make sense, at least not to me.

I just feel like using it, so I do.

Oh, right,
Someone's invited me to go drinking.

This'll be the first;
And it'll be some heck of a fun yet.

Hell, yeah,

Eighteen.




(Don't worry though; Mom knows everything.)
.
I had one of the longest days in history;
Lost the holy bus card, had it found, had two consultations a remedial and the usual,
Did some paperwork at the bank, had dinner out with Mom...
Imma still do some memorising before the consultation tomorrow- sleep can wait for a little more.

I suppose the toughest thing today was to stay awake;
I felt time slow down ever so deliciously,
Running its ticklish and powerful fingers down my neck,
Tempting, forcing, me, to sleep.

And I did: Dialogue session with the principal and I couldn't control the instant blackout that refused to relinquish its claim on me.
The interesting content and charisma of the speaker didn't help either (yeah I didn't mean that at all)-
I was so far gone there was no bringing me back.
That doesn't happen often,
But when it does, it's a little like the curse of a prick from a spinning wheel.

My eyes burned;
Being made to sit for ten minutes during practical beforehand,
staring at a syringe that emits a reluctant bubble once every thirty seconds trying to count it
was more than enough to make me surrender to the dark circles under my eyes.