Shaking; After.

I wondered if I should have made something like this as personal as it's turned out to be,

And if I should be ripping out my heart like it's a trophy 
For something as shallow and stressful as a competition,


But a part of me wanted to.

It was a little voice that said to be honest,
That wanted something to be heard, and known,

And I knew that by sharing,
I'd be confronting it, 
Glaring at a tiger when it's about to claw me to shreds,

And threatening to kidnap its pups without actually meaning to.


I suppose,
I just wanted to be brave- enough.

PESA Script – Jieying 

"Compassion"

The thing about compassion is that it's constantly said to be a good thing: it is what drives you to help, understand, and be nice to people. However, it does seem to have gotten to the point whereby it is almost as though the more you feel for other people’s pain, the more humane and loving you are, thereby defining you as a “better” person.

But to make compassion an indicator of how good we are inside is to rely too heavily upon our capacity to feel- after a while it does get overly exhausting to empathize with each and every person, because it’s not like your empathy alone has the power to change anything.

For a long time now I've been taught to feel for people. And while that sounds like a good thing, I personally believe that it is what makes me feel too much, which means that I end up crying over documentaries about violence toward women, workhouses that fuel the clothing industry, I could go on, because news like that upsets me, it's hard not to go to sleep thinking about what it’s like to be a victim, the injustice in this world, and the people in power who refuse to be inclusive towards certain groups of people. You think about what it’s like to find someone of the same gender desirable, and be bullied because of that; you think about being discriminated against purely because of your gender, for hate to be directed towards you simply because you’re not "right". And feeling all of that just makes compassion that much more difficult.

Apart from that, I do sometimes wonder if compassion has limits; if not feeling for someone who hurt you makes you cold hearted and inhumane, and if there are circumstances whereby anyone else would feel compassion, just not you. If someone is responsible for sleepless nights and too much crying, had done something so hurtful towards you, then remained unapologetic and self-righteous about it, and for that someone to be your only friend of two years- would you feel for her if she turned out to be mentally unstable, to have a family history of that, and for stress to affect her in different ways? 

If someone else spread rumours about you out of jealousy, then set both the group and class against you because she’s good with people and good at acting, but  turned out to be someone who engages in self-harm, would you feel for her?

The truth is, guilt and the need for compassion haunted me: Perhaps I could have been more understanding towards that friend who turned out to be fiendish; perhaps it was indeed something about me that drove someone who hurts herself, to hurt me.

But I’m human too, your pain doesn’t justify you causing mine, and I honestly feel like I can only have, or choose to have that much sympathy for you, because you made me cry, too.

The thing about what drives compassion, or the lack of it-  is that it’s always a long story, it’s always complicated, and there are always too many details if you were to sit down and tell someone about it. That’s why it’s okay not to feel compassion sometimes, that’s why it shouldn’t ever be an indicator of how rich our hearts are, because of how oversimplified it is- being compassionate may make us humane, but ultimately it is because we’re human that we can’t have too much; that we refuse to feel it for certain people.

And I refuse, to let this one word define me.

.

There you go, the script for the speech competition.

For the previous one (which was on 'A lone wolf dies, but the pack survives'),

I must say that coming in 1st had adrenaline coursing through me, that it had my heart racing and my cheeks flushed, that compliments from people made me review, over and over again, the words I'd delivered and the way that it'd rolled off my brutish tongue.

Then there had been a smug thought-

Wellllll...

I'd expect nothing less from me. *smirks*

(I feel like I'd be murdered in my sleep pretty soon)

But just because you're aiming for something doesn't mean that you'll get it,

And personally it'd seemed to me that the one version I delivered was the worst out of all those rehearsals.
I was kinda disappointed in myself, and surprised by the results
but, well, I guess it ended alright.

.

Due to that, (which happened back in April, holy mother of god when you think about how quickly time is moving)

I am now representing the school alongside two other people,

On the topic of 'Compassion'.

Today was when we recorded that speech  for the preliminaries, and speaking to a camera is different from speaking to around 800 people,

But the irony lies in how I'd have been much more comfortable delivering something this close to heart

To the latter group like the previous competition 

instead of a black machine with one glassy eye,

And that I'd felt rather awkward trying to stare into the camera and not feel like a desperate virgin making love to a guitar, but-

Well, it's done, and that is that.

I should have asked for a second take, but somehow I'd felt confident enough in that

moment

And became increasingly worrisome and insecure on my way back because

It's always been strange to me,

How teachers would give detailed remarks for other students when it comes to presentations, and say things like 'the pauses were good, but you could be louder, etc'

And give me one-word conclusions like 'Nice'

Or, if I'm lucky like today

'Very nice.'

I wasn't sure,

Because I have a certain level of confidence in this

But when you skip over me in your evaluations,

I feel like I must have either been drowning in mediocrity,

Or been up to standards without being excellent enough.

It didn't help that there was, 

And will always be,

That one nervous guy who constantly asks you why you're so calm, then says that he's dead, dead, dead, that he's sorry 

And your words to comfort him or to guide him in vocal warm-ups and gestures don't seem to get through.

We ended up staying for much longer because of the number of retakes, and while that was okay-

It gradually made me feel like I should have done just

One, extra,

take, too. 

Negative people make it easier to second-guess yourself,

And I suppose the only difference between us is that 

I don't express it while you do,

And I'm too afraid to speak up about how I'm 

Unsure.

I suppose that causes me to be in an even stickier situation,

But oh well.

The way I'm writing right now makes it feel like a twelve year-old on too much sugar,

And I've got much more to say

But for now I think I've rambled enough.

Pepperoni 🍕

"How much is it for a large pizza?"

"Uhh- I don't know"

"Gee, you're so helpful."

"Do I look like I've got the social life to be ordering pizzas regularly?"

"Tsk- Dis called general knowledge."

"Ha, at least I know about Trump."

"Huh?"

"Pffft, that's the kind of general knowledge that I'm talking about."



.
There you go,
A typical conversation between my brother and I.

Don't get me wrong though, not reading the news doesn't mean that you're non-intelligent,
It's just that your interests lie elsewhere.

Here is where many of us aren't interested in politics
And (I don't want to generalize)
I happen to have met dozens who discuss the news and elections,
But that's probably because of the kind of school that I'm in, and the GP essays that we have to write (in which case it is out of academic pursuit that we pursue general knowledge)

There are groups of people out there who aren't keen to know about what's happening in this world, too.

Still, I find it too judgmental to call such people dumb-
Ignorant, maybe
And this may be coming from the fact that I love this place,
But it is quite common to be apathetic towards politics or otherwise
So I wouldn't ever think of such people as 'less', or myself as the 'betters',
Because my parents are sorta like that: They're a little stagnant, and we can't converse about the world, or my other hobbies
But through the mundane we share, we enjoy, and that is the way it is here.

It is kind of a bummer, the way they share trivial details and talk about the price of vegetables, but it's not like my parents are going to evolve, soo...

I can't cover all groups here, but I hope that at least it sheds light on the fact that not knowing doesn't mean that we're lesser-
It just means that personally I am going to try to read up more (because I too am wading around in ignorance)
And hope to be someone interesting enough for such conversations in the future.
On the other hand, acceptance is key.


(And teasing my brother is fun, too)
.
Oh, and if you're interested, the pizza arrived and

"Ask if he can give us the late coupon for a free pizza."

"Oh." I turn, handing the money over.
"Could we have the late coupon?"

"Late coupon is only when we're late."

"Oh, okay. Thank you."

To me, it was a simple request.
Then, the delivery guy left.

"Why didn't you ask properly?!"

"Wha- I.. did though?"

"You should have been-"
And here he did a girly wriggle and lotsa impressions that'd be disturbing if you read them, sooooooo
Let's just gracefully evade that, shall we?

"Well why didn't you do it then?" I retort,

And he replied with "I'm a guy! You're a girl!" As though that explained everything.

"What does that even mean?!"

"I was expecting some sort of performance y'know- Nice and sweet- you were so pissed!"

"Well sorry I'm not like you and can't flirt- I don't use my pheromones for a flipping coupon!"

(If you didn't realise, we shout a loooott..)

"But he's a guy! Nobody likes guys!!"

"You were shirtless, you could have pulled it off!"











.
Yeahhhh....

I may love acting
But I just don't act in real life-
Not even close.

Dreams

It's raining outside,
And I'm just enjoying the sound of raindrops and thunder amidst a storm, swirling about like a chaotic rainbow sundae.

I've been really exhausted lately;
It doesn't help that stress keeps me up and noise makes everything worse,
Since I'm such a light sleeper that someone opening the door makes me snap awake.

I've been rather sensitive to people's shouting
And the constant renovation works that haunts the entire country.

Still, here's a beautiful song to keep you and I happy 😊
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gN24W_psMpE

.

Although I've probably only got one chance at prom (unlike other schools and countries, we've only got one to look forward to)

It's not happening

Simply because I've got no one special- friends or otherwise- to make it a special, once-in-a-lifetime thing.
People make up the places,
And I'm not exaggerating when I say that they are what makes up special events, too.

I may be self-reliant when it comes to having my own fun and relaxation,
But ultimately you gotta have friends for prom in order for it to become a fond memory,
And I just don't have that.

I wouldn't want to be like a pest or leech either, so that's that.

I'm lending you a dress of mine, but I'm staying home
-Somehow,
It sounds a little pathetic huh.

The doe-eyed twelve-year-old-me from back then wouldn't have foreseen this;
I think she'd looked at the boxy structure of this school and thought that she liked the atmosphere, the simplicity, and got excited fantasising about sleepovers, climbing over school gates, black nail polish and inside jokes.
I think, she might have thought about wearing a gown of some sort,
Cliched as it is-
Walk down a certain stairs
And have someone special waiting at the end of it, palms open and inviting,
Her own sweaty and cold,
Sheer fabric trailing behind her.

Then, there'd be pictures, frozen memories
And she'd dance and talk with friends she'd cry over,
Because she'd miss them.

She'd talk about studying overseas, she'd hug and pat those who're looking to take flight and blossom. She'd have her own plane waiting for her, she'd be plagued with uncertainties that gradually transform into excitement.


She, now eighteen-
Is instead writing in third person about what it should, or could be,
And yet is.

It's alright,
No prom

But she has the rain and lightning to keep her company
In her little room with the Christmas lights and the
Lavender bed sheets.

Repetitions don't make me falter, they just bring about sadness, is all.

I know what this is going to sound like, I know it seems like I'm self-inflicting all of it.

It's always been interesting to me how people tend to tell me so much,
Because it's almost as though they do it with the assumption that I wouldn't judge them for it.

Thing is, that is true to a certain extent in that
If you were to tell me about your interest in BDSM, or the fact that you're thinking of auctioning off your virginity, or that you've taken some form of drug in the past, or all the different emotions that people seem so willing to share with me-
I'll simply think of it as a part of you and be fine with it.
It might even be intriguing, we might even converse more about your 'secret'
Because there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Still, their willingness to speak that much means that I listen, and learn way too much about them.
This new friend who moved me so on my birthday-
I told myself that everyone has flaws, that it doesn't matter that you can be a little unfeeling at times, or that you're selfish and bad-tempered, that you tend to take certain things for granted;

What was more important was the fact that
I haven't been treated so well by anyone from this school, not ever.
You were more excited than I was about this year's performance,
You brought a flower for me.
You recorded my speech for me, you recorded my performance,
You say good morning to me
And we eat certain meals together.

That's why it shouldn't matter, that's why I shouldn't be making conclusions about you.






.
But one shopping trip with someone is revealing; it shows you pretty much everything there is to know about someone if they aren't putting up an act,
And you told me way too much, you really did.

It made me realise that all this warmth coming from you will probably last for a couple of months at the most- I finally opened up to you, but this is the honeymoon period and that is why you're treating me so well: It took so long for us to get close, but it seems like once that happens we're well on our way to a bad end.

I know it sounds pessimistic and extreme.
But there were too many things that scared me upon hearing it,
Because you sounded just like all the other friends that I've made in the past.

"I am really possessive, I tend to get jealous of my friends if they get close to someone else. I get upset when I'm not their only friend, yknow? Like they're not saying everything to me."

"That's okay," I say
"I understand why you'd feel that-"

"I don't want to be like this, I've lost a lot of friends because I feel like we're drifting apart, and I push them away. I'm afraid of getting too close to people because of that."

In my mind, I thought
That's alright, that's probably because we're all frightened by the notion of being alone.

You then went on to tell me about past friendships,
And gradually it became clear- because you summed it up:
"I feel like friends have to share everything."

I paused.
"You have to tell me everything, otherwise I feel like you're not sharing enough and I push you away."

Then, we were at that point whereby you were repeating yourself,
And jokingly I said, "So.. if I manage to make friends in the future, the two of us wouldn't have.. this- anymore?"

.
I didn't get an answer from you.

But everything I heard, I thought about,
And you'd continued on about everything else-

See, I want to help those who're important to me;
Giving back is the basis of relationships,
And I figured that even though you told me about how you tend to yell at your parents and shut them off, or your inferiority complex, or the fact that most of your friendships ended over nothing- not betrayals, or bad treatment, just your own possessiveness and tendency to withdraw over the slightest change, or the fact that you don't feel for certain people,

You were still worth it,
To me.

Throughout the entire shopping trip you were asking for advice,
But whenever I started speaking you would cut me off with more issues of your own,
And when you were trying on clothes I waited like an awkward boyfriend outside the changing room, entering only to give you feedback,
We were walking down streets and I told you where I remembered we should go but you didn't listen, and we ended up confused afterward

But that too was.. fine.

Constantly you whipped out your phone, taking pictures and videos of me-
I am the least photogenic person out there, and extremely conscious when it comes to cameras
But you repeatedly commented on how good I looked, comparing it to yourself;
When we looked at dresses you commented on my physique, comparing it to yours,
And I remembered how you talked about your inferiority complex when it comes to speaking English, then focusing too much on my speaking and asking me for tips.

It's not that I can't take a compliment.
It's just that you're putting me on a pedestal, and you're comparing yourself to me even though
I just want us both to feel good about ourselves.


Self-worth shouldn't be a constant reassurance..
Everything about you,
From the fact that you need people to share every single detail with you-
To the fact that you don't listen too much when it counts,

Felt like
Pressure.


I still appreciate what you did for me,
Which is why I'll listen and be there for you.

Still, it doesn't seem like it'll end well if I continue this relationship-
You seem like you'll engulf me someday
And I'll be chomped down on when the novelty of my loneliness wears off for you.

Your negativity isn't contagious,
But it sure takes away the fun from things-
I bought the maroon blouse instead of the yellow one when you told me to get the latter,
And your face blackened.
You know where the issue lies with you, but you aren't listening to advice despite telling me that you want to change it,
You want someone like me to tell you everything when I'm the kind to share only when it cuts too deep, when there is meaning in sharing, when it isn't just self exposure for the sake of it, for the reason of 'knowing each other's secrets',
And you say things like "I keep my distance from people because I don't have luck with friends"- a thought too pessimistic and untrue for someone like you, who doesn't eat alone, who has the opportunity to be jealous and lose friends that way.

.
I was surprisingly honest that day.

I told you that people should be given space, that us having our own lives is the key to having a healthy relationship, that one person's life shouldn't revolve around one human,
That there should be privacy, passion, a willingness to embrace change and be happy for that person,

And that I was highly uncomfortable because you were flattering me too much and not giving yourself enough credit,
That you're actually a good person, that you deserve good thoughts, that you should feel more confident.

Because it didn't feel right that you should say that you want to go on a diet,
And that your goal is me.

Same goes for speaking English,
Because I know I've got things that I'm proud of, but am trying to improve,
And that I'm not the best,
That I shouldn't be worshipped with comparison verbs.

You are your own self, with your own kind of beauty, within or otherwise.


And you just told me waaaaayy too much, alright?

It's funny that someone like me should say this,
But everything I learnt about you finally made me come to terms with this.














You're not someone I want to keep....

I may be terrified of the sadness that comes with being alone
But temporary concern like yours, and too much negativity
Ultimately isn't something that I want.



Again,
I may tremble and choke up with how bad it feels on birthdays and the such,
But I won't settle.

I won't settle for someone whom I know isn't good for me,
I won't settle for an unhealthy friendship even if it means that my loneliness is alleviated.






Because, after all

Humans have to be somewhat complete before they take on someone else's burden,
Before they form connections with them and learn the beauty of balance, and to give.

The same goes for romance- Why do you think I stay away from strangers on a train?

I too need friendship from the right people before I can learn to love,
I too need to build up my sense of self-worth and identity.