I know what this is going to sound like, I know it seems like I'm self-inflicting all of it.
It's always been interesting to me how people tend to tell me so much,
Because it's almost as though they do it with the assumption that I wouldn't judge them for it.
Thing is, that is true to a certain extent in that
If you were to tell me about your interest in BDSM, or the fact that you're thinking of auctioning off your virginity, or that you've taken some form of drug in the past, or all the different emotions that people seem so willing to share with me-
I'll simply think of it as a part of you and be fine with it.
It might even be intriguing, we might even converse more about your 'secret'
Because there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Still, their willingness to speak that much means that I listen, and learn way too much about them.
This new friend who moved me so on my birthday-
I told myself that everyone has flaws, that it doesn't matter that you can be a little unfeeling at times, or that you're selfish and bad-tempered, that you tend to take certain things for granted;
What was more important was the fact that
I haven't been treated so well by anyone from this school, not ever.
You were more excited than I was about this year's performance,
You brought a flower for me.
You recorded my speech for me, you recorded my performance,
You say good morning to me
And we eat certain meals together.
That's why it shouldn't matter, that's why I shouldn't be making conclusions about you.
.
But one shopping trip with someone is revealing; it shows you pretty much everything there is to know about someone if they aren't putting up an act,
And you told me way too much, you really did.
It made me realise that all this warmth coming from you will probably last for a couple of months at the most- I finally opened up to you, but this is the honeymoon period and that is why you're treating me so well: It took so long for us to get close, but it seems like once that happens we're well on our way to a bad end.
I know it sounds pessimistic and extreme.
But there were too many things that scared me upon hearing it,
Because you sounded just like all the other friends that I've made in the past.
"I am really possessive, I tend to get jealous of my friends if they get close to someone else. I get upset when I'm not their only friend, yknow? Like they're not saying everything to me."
"That's okay," I say
"I understand why you'd feel that-"
"I don't want to be like this, I've lost a lot of friends because I feel like we're drifting apart, and I push them away. I'm afraid of getting too close to people because of that."
In my mind, I thought
That's alright, that's probably because we're all frightened by the notion of being alone.
You then went on to tell me about past friendships,
And gradually it became clear- because you summed it up:
"I feel like friends have to share everything."
I paused.
"You have to tell me everything, otherwise I feel like you're not sharing enough and I push you away."
Then, we were at that point whereby you were repeating yourself,
And jokingly I said, "So.. if I manage to make friends in the future, the two of us wouldn't have.. this- anymore?"
.
I didn't get an answer from you.
But everything I heard, I thought about,
And you'd continued on about everything else-
See, I want to help those who're important to me;
Giving back is the basis of relationships,
And I figured that even though you told me about how you tend to yell at your parents and shut them off, or your inferiority complex, or the fact that most of your friendships ended over nothing- not betrayals, or bad treatment, just your own possessiveness and tendency to withdraw over the slightest change, or the fact that you don't feel for certain people,
You were still worth it,
To me.
Throughout the entire shopping trip you were asking for advice,
But whenever I started speaking you would cut me off with more issues of your own,
And when you were trying on clothes I waited like an awkward boyfriend outside the changing room, entering only to give you feedback,
We were walking down streets and I told you where I remembered we should go but you didn't listen, and we ended up confused afterward
But that too was.. fine.
Constantly you whipped out your phone, taking pictures and videos of me-
I am the least photogenic person out there, and extremely conscious when it comes to cameras
But you repeatedly commented on how good I looked, comparing it to yourself;
When we looked at dresses you commented on my physique, comparing it to yours,
And I remembered how you talked about your inferiority complex when it comes to speaking English, then focusing too much on my speaking and asking me for tips.
It's not that I can't take a compliment.
It's just that you're putting me on a pedestal, and you're comparing yourself to me even though
I just want us both to feel good about ourselves.
Self-worth shouldn't be a constant reassurance..
Everything about you,
From the fact that you need people to share every single detail with you-
To the fact that you don't listen too much when it counts,
Felt like
Pressure.
I still appreciate what you did for me,
Which is why I'll listen and be there for you.
Still, it doesn't seem like it'll end well if I continue this relationship-
You seem like you'll engulf me someday
And I'll be chomped down on when the novelty of my loneliness wears off for you.
Your negativity isn't contagious,
But it sure takes away the fun from things-
I bought the maroon blouse instead of the yellow one when you told me to get the latter,
And your face blackened.
You know where the issue lies with you, but you aren't listening to advice despite telling me that you want to change it,
You want someone like me to tell you everything when I'm the kind to share only when it cuts too deep, when there is meaning in sharing, when it isn't just self exposure for the sake of it, for the reason of 'knowing each other's secrets',
And you say things like "I keep my distance from people because I don't have luck with friends"- a thought too pessimistic and untrue for someone like you, who doesn't eat alone, who has the opportunity to be jealous and lose friends that way.
.
I was surprisingly honest that day.
I told you that people should be given space, that us having our own lives is the key to having a healthy relationship, that one person's life shouldn't revolve around one human,
That there should be privacy, passion, a willingness to embrace change and be happy for that person,
And that I was highly uncomfortable because you were flattering me too much and not giving yourself enough credit,
That you're actually a good person, that you deserve good thoughts, that you should feel more confident.
Because it didn't feel right that you should say that you want to go on a diet,
And that your goal is me.
Same goes for speaking English,
Because I know I've got things that I'm proud of, but am trying to improve,
And that I'm not the best,
That I shouldn't be worshipped with comparison verbs.
You are your own self, with your own kind of beauty, within or otherwise.
And you just told me waaaaayy too much, alright?
It's funny that someone like me should say this,
But everything I learnt about you finally made me come to terms with this.
You're not someone I want to keep....
I may be terrified of the sadness that comes with being alone
But temporary concern like yours, and too much negativity
Ultimately isn't something that I want.
Again,
I may tremble and choke up with how bad it feels on birthdays and the such,
But I won't settle.
I won't settle for someone whom I know isn't good for me,
I won't settle for an unhealthy friendship even if it means that my loneliness is alleviated.
Because, after all
Humans have to be somewhat complete before they take on someone else's burden,
Before they form connections with them and learn the beauty of balance, and to give.
The same goes for romance- Why do you think I stay away from strangers on a train?
I too need friendship from the right people before I can learn to love,
I too need to build up my sense of self-worth and identity.
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