Crossing spaces; Pouring cement.

It's true what they say about clearer sight as you get older.

I can't say that I learnt anything in particular after such a crushing year,
But at least I see things better and I feel like I understand people more now.

I never did get to tell you about how, on one specific day I'd been too upset
And I ended up opening up to my brother-
Only to find out that he's been through the exact same things, even up to getting his testimonial withheld from him on the last day of school.
The only difference is, he had it much worse;
And he only got his testimonial back after finding it out two years later or something.

We used to be really close as kids,
But stuff happened and I was too young to understand his pain
So we gradually turned into roommates who simply existed under the same roof.

These two years have been different- and somewhat transformative
in that I've never cried as much over anything,
And that we've gotten much closer- I finally get why he was such a douchebag in the past
And I finally get why it took him so many years to recover.

Even now
I see fragments of his past plaguing him
And in him, I see ambition, an attempt to fight his past- and courage.
He has friends who are normal people (save for the few questionable personalities)
And he's trying to do something with his life.

I used not to respect him because he's morally loose sometimes,
And I won't go into the details of the things he does-
But I only ever used to see his inertia in life and happy-go-lucky attitude as something shallow and a product of laziness.

I can't say the same now;
I can't,
Not when I finally have a brother  and he seems so human to me,
Not when I feel like I want to help him someway in the mountain trips that he's organizing.

Sometimes carefreeness arise from dark places,
And it's not always apparent.

That connection at least is one thing that I've gained.


.
And just now,
I rewatched Perks of Being a Wallflower again.

It used to only be a 'sad movie',
But somehow it made me collapse into fits of tears because

It just hits so close to home.

I didn't go through abuse, or extreme bullying, or develop a mental illness
But I know what it's like to be so sad and messed up and lonely
To wish only for friendship,
To be on a downward spiral pattern.

And now that graduation is over:

I needed to hear from Sam that it does get better,
I needed to go through the process of coming to terms with your past and labelling it as what it is-

Because sometimes we convince ourselves that the past is over and done with-
But we can't even call bullying, 'bullying';

And when we finally figure that name out
It's a wound all over again.

I didn't think that I'd relate as much to a movie I once thought of as a mere literary product;
I didn't think that I'd need to hear
That although all these moments will become stories one day,
It is still happening;
Those moments are not just stories-

And that one day
I'll get to look at myself
And not see myself as just  a sad story;

I will feel,
Infinite.


.
Just yesterday I came to the realisation that even though
Just over a month ago I was feeling like things were never getting better;
That I didn't feel like doing anything with my life,

These few days the excitement of having the A levels end are finally creeping up on me;
I'm starting to make lists and plans of what I want to be doing after the coming Wednesday's 3pm;

I'm starting to feel alive again.


And I hope my life gets better,
Because I won't just be lazing around for the next eight months;
I'm going to be trying things and putting myself out there.


But there is this physical space that I'll have to cross,
Because some days I still can't fall asleep

This entire week I've been sleeping at 2.30-4.30;


And some other days I sleep at 3 or 4am;
I start feeling empty and sad again
And I wonder if my past defines my future,

I wonder if I'll ever reach the milestones that I've set for myself;


I wonder if I'll ever find a place to belong;
Some good friends and the realisation of my passions and dreams.


.
I wonder
If I'll still be a sobbing eighteen year old who can't fall asleep till it's three in the morning

If I'll ever
Grow, and finally get on the journey to happiness.