I am overwhelmed by a compulsion to sob and chuckle simultaneously, for is it not so? To have bittersweet memories and thoughts, to live, to die, to pick yourself up again so as to live. I am so happy!

Apparently the next two years of my life will be the toughest yet; it'll kill, it'll stress, it'll gouge. Apparently I'd be extremely busy, be sleep deprived, struggle, and always be racing against time.

Strangely enough it doesn't daunt me, and it isn't because I'm a 'positive' person or anything like that. I think, it is because of how blessed I have been this year. Everything, from the mundane breakfast to the amazing trips out, to the first party ever-- everything has been magical and beautiful and warming to the heart and in turn, the soul.
I've always tried to see the good in things, but the truth is that despite the fullness of glasses there's always the gnawing truth of the empty, and however one tried to get past that fact, sadness ultimately makes its presence known and branded beyond what's beneath skin.
Therefore things were lacking and yet not filled, could not be filled.
And when the circumstance comes that it does get filled,
One notices the emptiness that was denied from before,
And discovers a whole lot of things.

If there was one thing I've learnt-
Within all these ups and downs and the ultimate experience of this one gratifying year-

It is that whatever one should wish, one should go for it.

One should consider it carefully and deeply.
One should soul search and ensure it is not fickle,
One should thereby pursue it with no fear and bravado, however wavered.

Because all the good things happened this year because I was blessed,
But more so due to the fact that I stepped forward.
I broke through it, and their own growth led them to their acceptance of me, little ol me who wasn't meant to fit anywhere, at least at the start.

Life becomes smooth because it does, and also because you dare to choose so.
It is both fate and will, with equal parts of both, and fate playing a huge part regardless.
So, while blessings have been showered upon me like faithful love,
I too have to claim the credit for myself, for my own conflicted mind and my own bravery, however little, however petty, and however useless it may have seemed at first.

Narcissistic or not,
I am someone who has both been given the blessing of this year,
And lived and thought in such a way that I'd deserved it.

There'll be no list of resolutions this year,
At least not up here.
Improvements will be concurrent with growth.
That, I assure myself.

There too will not be anything like 'All I want in the coming year is to be happy', because I have been, I always have been, only less before and overfilled this year.
I am thankful, oh so thankful, for every single thing that has been given to me this year. Friendship and warmth, that's what. That's what humans sometimes deserve and work for yet do not get, and that which I was given the privilege of getting.

I like- no, Love, Everything within this year.
Even the petty conflicts and the days which I've been down-- for how can it ever be perfect?--Everything.

And I thank each and every one of you, angel I believe exists, and my own conscience, luck, fate, and will.

I'll continue to live my life for myself.
I'll continue to live up to my own expectations, and keep my own promises.
I'll continue to persist in the three Ls I now swear by for living.

To live, to laugh, and to love.

I'll do it, I'll do it all.

This year has been beyond great--for which was the promise to myself last year this time-- and I will ensure that it continues so.
Sure it'll be excruciating effort for the next two years.
Afraid as I am, I'm prepared.
I'm excited, I'm revved up, I can't wait in the slightest.

As I type onto this flat screen with which I'm trying to tear myself from,
I know, oh, I know.

That 2016 will be just as amazing--mind blowing in fact--- as 2015, as peaceful as 2014--without the loneliness-- as determined as 2013--without the bad choices--- and as true as 2012--without the brutality.

The years have flown by, and growth has occurred.
Still it doesn't sadden me.
Still it doesn't depress me.

For there is good in life, and I've been bestowed upon it, shown it, and enveloped in it.

I am-- Freaking out.

I am,
Frightened.

But if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough.
And I'll reach for the moon for if I fall I'll be comforted by the stars,
With which I will cry and laugh whenever I feel like it,
And which I have done--so well, so much-- this one crazy year.

Sweet sixteen indeed; for life really began for me this year.

Lengthy repitition it is; for I have no shame in what I live so strongly by.

And so.
Let us do it shall we.

The next stretch of my life,
The two years rumored to tear me apart but which I am so ready for,
The class of blessings I've had in having a friend come along,
The cca I didn't expect to love,
The literature and books I'm prepared to go all out for.

This is only the beginning.

I promise myself,
This is only the beginning.

The weathered, the sparkling, and the irreplaceable.

It's time to spring clean again.

This time round, I'll make it even better.



Since 'better's what's ever changing,
Nothing will ever be the same,
Nor will anything ever be predictable and guessed.

Right now the bookshelf's a shining spot, what with the book buffet from yesterday, the loots within this month, and everything else in the other cabinets.
Materialistic stuffs doesn't make up all of it,
But it sure makes a difference.

The Dice Man, The Phantom of the Opera, Pride and Prejudice, the papers, the cloth, the stamps, the ink pads, the notebooks
The acrylic paint and brushes I finally have

The little canvases-
I promise myself the luxury of a watercolor set within the coming year.
Maybe some canvas paper and watercolor paper, too

*sniffle*
I still remember when I finally got that set of color pencils.
Gets me every time.

.
Dramatic as it sounds,
It's always interesting to come to a sudden realization at how things, both tangible and the unexplainable, are lost and gained, replaced and renewed, changed and returned---all over the course of a single cycle of 365 days.

Life has been great so far
But it will surely escalate from here

And that really, really, excites me.

My little heart's bursting with happiness, now.

A little beginner's attempt.

I'm pretty sure loss isn't just a word.
I'm pretty sure it hurts, it eats, it starves.

I'm pretty sure it isn't the extent to which I have always so prided myself in-- 'Emphatizing'-- whenever it came to the part where you put yourself in someone's shoes and try to feel the blade that never touches you.
I have always found that pretentious, yet necessary.
For it is impossible to feel what you have not felt, yet it too is possible, through the pyramid of complexities within oneself and the others. For it too is my belief that you can understand someone without them having to speak, and that grime was caked but clear, however opaque. That it is all clear once you get down to it, that it can be evened out if not scraped off.

But, loss.
How can one pretend to feel the vacancy and emptiness that engulfs you, the one feeling that exceeds 'pain', the thing that twists your stomach so, that makes you feel both cold and hungry right after the superficial warmth of a forced bowl of hot soup wears off?
It is something you can't stave off, something that doesn't go away.

It haunts you so. It sticks to you.
And you, hold on to it, for there is a constant fear of oblivion once the feeling ceases, when torturous blades get dulled with friction and time takes over.

There'll come a time when you meet someone who warms you to your very core, who indirectly convinces you of your right to happiness, that tempts you to let go of this baggage you have come not to see as so necessary anymore.

Contradictions litter your soul, for it is now wrong to let go, to pursue happiness, whilst you rob the deceased the last of their existence. A sense of betrayal overwhelms you, for having been one of those who willingly forsakes an unspoken promise of remembrance in name of 'happiness' and 'right', for it has long merged and became one with the idea of importance and meaning.

Something harsh to say but I'll hold it back.

It just isn't nice when a gift you put thought into becomes a practical thing to be used, in that it becomes part of another gift the other party gives out, to another random person.

I know, you're practical.
It's just the way you are.
You didn't think it was such a big deal; it was utilizing each and every thing you get to its very best effect. That in itself is smart and simple thinking, so it should have been perfectly fine.

Yet it was a line not to be crossed.
For you, that is.

After all, a gift is a gift, however 'useless' or 'useful' it can turn out to be.
After all, I really liked what I was gifting out, and I'd hoped that you would let it remain as a keepsake at the very least--if not usable by you and you alone.

It just isn't nice is it.


To you it was probably cuz we are close to the point where 'little things like that don't matter',
And it's the gap in personality here that is the border.

You were most probably sure that I'd have 'understood'.
And while yes, I do
I can't say I agree that much with it.

Do you 'understand', me?
This is the kind of human you are dealing with here.

Knowing and understanding is different.
So is doing and reflecting.


But it's alright I guess
You are who you are.

Next time, I'll give you something entirely useful and which isn't even vaguely recyclable.

Oh, I practice monogamy alright.

I had no idea people would be Christmas caroling this time of year.

Cooped up in hibernation and silence is really blissful,
But so is getting out there and shopping.


Beautiful papers and oriental beads
Some cloth and notebooks
A box only I've seen

It's a thing now, a little gift for me every Christmas.

Cost of course shall never be over the top,
Although it's definitely still the act of spending.

I'm flaunting too much up here
But it has just been so magical, so precious, so new, so... Splurged, that I had to blow a few trumpets.

You may or may not have seen flesh of a random guy whose pants were pretty much falling off- simply cuz you tend to space out whilst staring at random objects with unseeing eyes, only to truly notice what's within the visual field much later- it doesnt end well.

You know, it ain't the first time
But usually it isn't so much of the whole thing...

I don't even know where I'm going with this.


.
Oh, right
I am in love with this guy.

And uh..

He isn't the only one.
Don't worry though
I have a healthy mix of two and three dimensions going for me.


It's just that I can't even confirm who I'm steady with, or who I'm having an affair on.

This guy too.
I might think of him as husband material.

I miiiiight.

First steps will never cease till you stop looking at the horizon, for that'll be a first in itself.

Just finished reading Age of Innocence, and all I gotta say is...

That was supremely beautiful.

That was a love story I believed in, that was an ending I'm still crying my eyes out over, and which is both believable and anticlimatic, realistic and heart wrenching because of the harsh truths it embodies.
It's like Revolutionary Road, only more truthful, less complicated in plot, more straightforward, without the 'excitements' of modern stories and very, very, real.
It too is like Before We Go which didn't consist of plots or climaxes or grotesque plot twists; the simplest things were carried forward by the characters' distinct thoughts and personalities themselves, and it was what made Age of Innocence such a rich, complex, and deep book that truthfully portrays what it's like to love, and what it's like to have lost love through the submission to one's fate.

Other than 'unfulfilled dreams' like what it explicitly screams and that I love,
There too exists the feat of how love was lost and that established relationships in a marriage could be built just as strong, however dull, however one-dimensional, and however binding it was-- even without the passion.
Although, it was a very exciting book to read, and you're very glad you waited-
The bulk purchases of classics and books like The Shock Doctrine
And that this was the very first classic you've read so this review here's probably superbly shallow and repetitive with my language and thoughts all over the place-

Bear with me, reader.
My strained efforts at improvements will not have an effect till much later
Critique and insight will come only after the novelty wears off,
And only when exposure to a wide range is reached.
Till then, I shall revel in these new experiences that are both so intense and emotional for me.

There's a thousand things on your to do list, but all of it is so much more fulfilling and meaningful than surfing the web and feeding the addiction you so desperately wanna lose-- that you believe that once again, first steps are being taken to another new growth, another new you, as you believe is always the best thing that can happen to a person.

So yes,
As always,
You aren't gonna wait for the end of the year -however close- to make your resolutions,
Nor are you gonna hope for a quick leap in things.

Humans are constant in a way that is predictable due to how unpredictable they are.
At least, that's what you presume them to be, and of life to be as well.

Changes can't be made overnight but trying out improvements always tweaks little things here and there, so much so that unknowingly we all evolve into a new being by the time the next winter arrives.

Therefore

Let's do this.

Slime is soft and murky but it never breaks; Glass is hard and clear but it never stays.

The strong will bully the weak.

The weak is defined, not in terms of strength but in terms of perhaps, other than capability, the capacity to assert oneself and mean it, to stand up for oneself and be selfish at the right moment, and for oneself. The weak is perhaps submissive.
The weak is perhaps overly patient, overly forgiving, overly sweet.

'Weak' is sometimes not a insult but rather a classification.
There is no pride in being weak but there certainly is satisfaction in feeling strong.


But those who lack esteem will think of themselves as weak, whether true or not,
And would be trodden upon, magnify issues to always make it worse within one's head,
And be extremely, extremely, unhappy.

The 'weak' therefore carries a ball of fire, not one of strength or empowerment but of poison that slowly eats away at the soul.
Therefore eyesight is clouded and colored through that biased lens,
And concave or convex never matters, for it will always be distorted no matter what.

These 'weak' trod upon those whom appear just as weak, if not weaker.
'Nice' is perhaps a compliment, but it's received as 'pushover' signals through the colored lenses.
Accurate or not, it sure works in maintaining the grotesque balance that is the world, that is the cycled and recycled negativity and hate, that is the new and old anger, that is the never ending karma.

The weak perhaps doesn't deserve it;
The strong is perhaps the most evil of them all,
For they can never be blamed for something they didn't do
No that's what fuels the weak's anger
That's what makes the weak, weak and the strong, strong.

Therefore the strong can't be blamed;
It is the weak that harbors such hatred at the world and treats other weak ones as such-- that are at fault. But then again the weak themselves are to be blame for not having the courage and foul mouth (strength and candid gruesome confidence) to stand up for themselves.

Perhaps, the next time one tries to place blame,
The first and foremost thing would be to search within oneself-

For what's in the universe doesn't conspire unless you give off that aura of weakness,
And nothing's out to get you until a part of you is fine with being treated that way.

That still is a generalization, inaccurate yet accurate, insensitive yet agreeable to you at times. You never reach stands, after all, without looking at both sides
And it frustrates you
For you seldom reach stands as a result
And above stated stand is not, in fact, a decided one.
Indignantly stubborn is the way of the world and said people;
Terrified and armored is the way in which they carry themselves so high upon.

You can't be at fault for something you didn't do to deserve.
You however should be able to fend off attacks, if undeserving of it
-And I mean that in the best way possible.

Repetition is never meaningful,
But right now
One perhaps reaches the conclusion that things can never be changed-- sometimes so---
And that the world is a dark place with beauty hidden within,
But grime to balance it off anyways-

For beauty is in the lily that isn't soiled by rain,
And beauty is only beauty because of the contrasting ugliness dumped upon it.

Definition is, after all, not so subjective at times.

This took too long. Back to Math, now

As a study break- and procrastination
I may or may not have remembered the 'bday' of this blog wrongly :p

Anyways
Here's some questions for me-
Not that I need a reason to do this. *cough*

1. Who is your hero? Mum. 
2. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? In a magical forest where houses are made out of all types of wood(different shades textures and thickness please), where I can plant herbs and flowers-- hydrangeas sunflowers and roses-- trees-- oak maple and sakura-- where greenery shrouds and overwhelms my house but whereby no insects come to disturb. I'd have a swing made out of a deserted car tyre, too. Hammocks, packed with velvety soft throw pillows each in accordance to a theme; a small little gate, not to keep strangers out but for decoration, a little mailbox like the one in Up, inscribed with my name and adorned with little dainty flowers. Ooh and stairs that leads to a secret attic or a very personal and floral tower for me to hide and watch the sunset in. Aaaand I'd have quilt patch wooly blankets drawn around me, always be dressed in flannel and warm unicorn slippers whenever winter arrived, a never ending supply of pizza (don't ask me how they gonna deliver it. By magic probably. Or maybe it'd grow off a tree), and a secret rainbow-ish mushroom that I can climb into to read, that swallows me up to cushion me in fluffy cloud like comfort, that also supplies me with a lifetime of mushrooms.   Yeah, well, it's not happening. At least, for the insect part.
3. What is your biggest fear? Mm... Probably physical pain. 
4. What is your favorite family vacation? At home, on the couch. With chips. Naaahhhh I meant the imaginary trip to Japan. :'< Although, family 'trip' would have a different meaning. :>
5. What would you change about yourself if you could? Ooh. Getting deep here. Uh... I honestly can't think of any right now... There's so many once you start thinking about it, but none of it really requires that much changing apart from striving for improvement- Although years back I'd have given a completely different answer. 
6. What really makes you angry? Moarr deepness I see. So revealing. 
7. What motivates you to work hard? Motivate? Haha. Goals I suppose. Short term goals, for long term ones are always subject to change.
8. What is your favorite thing about your career? Oh, I have a career!
9. What is your biggest complaint about your job? A job, too! Just kidding the job of being a human gives rise to the complaint of other humans doing the same job, but differently.
10. What is your proudest accomplishment? You'd expect me to say the marathons or personal bests from before, or even academic-wise stuffs, but no. It's that I cleaned my room that previously was rather.. Unkempt. All. Alone. Long time ago. Obsessed with order since.
11. What is your child's proudest accomplishment? Perhaps the first thing that springs to mind is: Wow I had sex! (Sorry mum.)
12. What is your favorite book to read? DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. Right now it'd be The Geography of Thought.
13. What makes you laugh the most? Funny things.
14. What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? Our times. It was good.
15. What did you want to be when you were small? Kindergarten teacher. 
16. What does your child want to be when he/she grows up? I'm not even gonna respond. 
17. If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? I kinda do this choosing thing on a day to day basis, soo..
18. What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play? Badminton? Not that great at it tho. 
19. Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? The novelty is wearing off for this QnA..
20. What would you sing at Karaoke night? Never been there before!
21. What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? Nope nein. 
22. Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? Vacuum. Does suuuuch a better job than brooms.
23. If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work? Me got no yard.
24. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Chicken rice! Not a difference from now really.
25. Who is your favorite author? Can I say, Enid Blyton?
26. Have you ever had a nickname? What is it? Yep, and I don't want you to know.
27. How long does it take for you to get ready in the morning? Fast enough.
28. What was the last book you read? Age of innocence.
29. Are you a clean or messy person? Messy but I like being clean.
30. Do you collect anything? Yes! But I feel like the quantity and quality has to increase before I can call any of it a 'collection'.
31. Who was your first crush? Someone. :>
32. Who knows you the best? Mum. Constant change makes it hard for her, or anyone tho. Same for you, reader. 'We're a hundred different people every hour.' Would it not be true for you? 

Aaand there you have it.

I skipped some and chose some.

A hundred was simply too much.

So yep.

Hope you liked this. :D 

EDIT: How in the world do you remove that weird highlighting thingy towards the back? Ooh okay, did it. ^~^

There is no 'proper' conduct. There is only the 'proper' mindset, which is dependent on interpretation and which oh so definitely are not products of the social norm.

Why laugh at 'stupid' questions.

Certain things are not known due to ignorance and a lack of exposure, a babied life and therefore a need to be sure and a tendency to ask questions that seem to be 'obvious' to you.
How is one supposed to know medical terms' meanings
How is asking what it means 'stupid'
How is answering such 'yes' and 'no' questions without knowledge of what you're doing--Stupid

It is only when you assume things you don't know, pretend that you know it, and don't dare to ask questions for what you do not know--- that is utterly silly.

Obviously I know what 'bowel' is.
But how would I know what is 'varicose', not unless I have learnt about it, which I haven't?
I understand English, you didn't have to speak so condescendingly.

Heck, I am one ignorant idiot.
But I ain't stupid, and you made me feel that way.
Raising your voice so much so that everyone in the office could hear-

As an 'adult', you are one of the many reasons why I can never generalize 'adults' to be 'grown up', in which indicated meaning is 'maturity', 'an ability to give' which pretty much translates into empathy and an ability to understand, thereby giving rise to patience- and even if there is a lack of patience, a willingness to control growing irritation at said 'stupid' questions.

Still it was my fault wasn't it.

Even if to me, the questions had to be asked
Since it was a legal binding arrangement and any false 'truths' filled up would lead to disastrous consequences
Despite that,
I was still, 'Stupid'.

Stupid for not knowing what I don't
Stupid for not having common sense- if you haven't been told that at doctors you wouldn't have it- but I still wanted to be sure- and for that I was being silly-
And stupid for getting so pissed over someone who is of the elites- although not all elites are like that.

But it's fine
Now that I have vented through this wonderful outlet
And that I did go for the check-up and the passport collection alone for precisely this reason- To gain exposure and stop being a fool.
After all, I should have been doing such things -alone- from a long time ago.

This is belated, but it ain't overly late
And so I'd go for every single thing like that alone from now on.

I will learn-- not how not to be a fool, but how not to appear one.

Would you agree, or am I just too angry right now.

A true adult-- I have never looked at adults as anything other than humans from a different age range. After all, some of them can make decisions that aren't that much wiser than the average 'youngster'. To me, age doesn't define your 'adult'ness, nor does the way you carry yourself.

Have you ever had one of those experiences whereby you felt like your being was undergoing the process of being read, categorized, classified and labeled?
While it wasn't the most pleasant thing out there
One sure learnt loads.

You are, in fact, not in denial with your flaws
And are very aware of it

Whether that's a good or bad thing you can't be sure,
But it sure made you feel like something from high above---not due to status or age but experience and a keen eye for humans--- was looking down at you, processing you, and deciding which box of 'inner conflicts' you should be chucked away into.

Rather than an interview,
It was like someone seeing past everything you held so tightly onto
And who chose to give you advice you needed to hear-
Even if you've told yourself the same thing over and over again
And that you haven't been thinking of it for a long while, now.

Still, this is something I'll never forget
For the intensity and accuracy was so saturated that even milo dinosaurs can't compare with it.

Although she does require more practice. :p

Mom's first cupcakes are a ten upon ten.

Yup I'm biased.

So what huh.

So strong

I am convinced that the library is built solely for hibernation or as an attraction site that imitates the Artic zone.

Furthermore, it has too much electricity on hand and fears that visitors fail to notice that they do in fact have air conditioners installed.

Hah, and you thought I was strong- "I look fit"  >~<

I froze to the point of shivering

But now I'm prepared.
Two jackets long sleeves and jeans-

BRING IT ON AIR-CON DEVILS

Full steam ahead!

No more excuses,

No more accepting,

No more procrastinating.

The previous month's been spent on relaxation as well as other commitments.

Now it'll be on books, math chem lit, cca and remnants of my social life, if any.

I gotta get rid of my reliance and addiction to my electronic device;

I gotta start checking my phone on a regular basis.

The irony

When you piss your mum off with never being one with your phone,

And she despite her age is the one who's more up with the times than you according to your age are stereotyped/expected to be.

Oh well.

Just returned from submitting my application form for something ambitious and slightly unattainable, perhaps unrealistic. Interview next, and it's commitment and hard work all the way.

I think I can do it.
Journey of two hours or the interview or even the juggling required after-
I'll just read books on the way there and back, and put in effort.

Regardless, you just gotta try. Wishing is futile.

Trying is frightening but always worth it, successful or not.

So there.

My days of honeymoon are over.

It's gotta be 110% on everything that matters, now.

No more worrying,

No more spending thoughts on people,

No more thinking so much about them.

You like me and you stay, 

Or you don't.

I won't be focusing so much on petty matters like that from now on-

I-

I want to have something more important to care about.

I have something more important to worry over.

And no, no more motivational and empty speeches.

It'll be for real this time

I promise-

Myself.