Apparently the next two years of my life will be the toughest yet; it'll kill, it'll stress, it'll gouge. Apparently I'd be extremely busy, be sleep deprived, struggle, and always be racing against time.
Strangely enough it doesn't daunt me, and it isn't because I'm a 'positive' person or anything like that. I think, it is because of how blessed I have been this year. Everything, from the mundane breakfast to the amazing trips out, to the first party ever-- everything has been magical and beautiful and warming to the heart and in turn, the soul.
I've always tried to see the good in things, but the truth is that despite the fullness of glasses there's always the gnawing truth of the empty, and however one tried to get past that fact, sadness ultimately makes its presence known and branded beyond what's beneath skin.
Therefore things were lacking and yet not filled, could not be filled.
And when the circumstance comes that it does get filled,
One notices the emptiness that was denied from before,
And discovers a whole lot of things.
If there was one thing I've learnt-
Within all these ups and downs and the ultimate experience of this one gratifying year-
It is that whatever one should wish, one should go for it.
One should consider it carefully and deeply.
One should soul search and ensure it is not fickle,
One should thereby pursue it with no fear and bravado, however wavered.
Because all the good things happened this year because I was blessed,
But more so due to the fact that I stepped forward.
I broke through it, and their own growth led them to their acceptance of me, little ol me who wasn't meant to fit anywhere, at least at the start.
Life becomes smooth because it does, and also because you dare to choose so.
It is both fate and will, with equal parts of both, and fate playing a huge part regardless.
So, while blessings have been showered upon me like faithful love,
I too have to claim the credit for myself, for my own conflicted mind and my own bravery, however little, however petty, and however useless it may have seemed at first.
Narcissistic or not,
I am someone who has both been given the blessing of this year,
And lived and thought in such a way that I'd deserved it.
There'll be no list of resolutions this year,
At least not up here.
Improvements will be concurrent with growth.
That, I assure myself.
There too will not be anything like 'All I want in the coming year is to be happy', because I have been, I always have been, only less before and overfilled this year.
I am thankful, oh so thankful, for every single thing that has been given to me this year. Friendship and warmth, that's what. That's what humans sometimes deserve and work for yet do not get, and that which I was given the privilege of getting.
I like- no, Love, Everything within this year.
Even the petty conflicts and the days which I've been down-- for how can it ever be perfect?--Everything.
And I thank each and every one of you, angel I believe exists, and my own conscience, luck, fate, and will.
I'll continue to live my life for myself.
I'll continue to live up to my own expectations, and keep my own promises.
I'll continue to persist in the three Ls I now swear by for living.
To live, to laugh, and to love.
I'll do it, I'll do it all.
This year has been beyond great--for which was the promise to myself last year this time-- and I will ensure that it continues so.
Sure it'll be excruciating effort for the next two years.
Afraid as I am, I'm prepared.
I'm excited, I'm revved up, I can't wait in the slightest.
As I type onto this flat screen with which I'm trying to tear myself from,
I know, oh, I know.
That 2016 will be just as amazing--mind blowing in fact--- as 2015, as peaceful as 2014--without the loneliness-- as determined as 2013--without the bad choices--- and as true as 2012--without the brutality.
The years have flown by, and growth has occurred.
Still it doesn't sadden me.
Still it doesn't depress me.
For there is good in life, and I've been bestowed upon it, shown it, and enveloped in it.
I am-- Freaking out.
I am,
Frightened.
But if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough.
And I'll reach for the moon for if I fall I'll be comforted by the stars,
With which I will cry and laugh whenever I feel like it,
And which I have done--so well, so much-- this one crazy year.
Sweet sixteen indeed; for life really began for me this year.
Lengthy repitition it is; for I have no shame in what I live so strongly by.
And so.
Let us do it shall we.
The next stretch of my life,
The two years rumored to tear me apart but which I am so ready for,
The class of blessings I've had in having a friend come along,
The cca I didn't expect to love,
The literature and books I'm prepared to go all out for.
This is only the beginning.
I promise myself,
This is only the beginning.
No comments:
Post a Comment