Lost time.

Nothing can replace it,
But we were in bad places.


It never fails to surprise me, the charm that my brother possesses.
Oh, and how he makes moves on girls.
If flirting is in the blood, why is it that it's left out when it comes to my genes?

He's most likely the nice and charming guy at social gatherings, who sweeps girls off their feet, effortlessly.
Actually-
Lemme rephrase that. He is every bit as introverted and awkward as me, if not more. The only thing is that he is better at people than I am, y'know?
Call it 'packaging' or whatever,
But he has the social skills and friends

And it's really admirable.

Sidetracking a little, I remember doing physical theatre to this.

Isn't it amazing?
That somehow my sibling is the type to make friends with the sharks if he were to be thrown into the sea, and then there is me- socially inept and awkwardly excitable. Weirdly enough.. people think differently of me, but we'll leave that for another day.

Thing is,
Bro's leaving for NS soon
And things will never be the same again.

Just when our relationship started mending itself, too...

Some people just naturally distance themselves from others-
It's not that being in the same place, or seeing each other often enough brings humans closer. The quote from Charlotte's Web illustrates this perfectly, does it not?

I guess I just didn't want to dwell on this too much, that's why I've been putting it off. What's to come will come, accepting it and moving forward is what should be done instead.

What a peaceful night.

It's been a beautiful day of just lazing around in bed,
With dramas, music, and books.

I don't see humans,
I don't go out.
There is no sun, no 'outside' to my solitary relaxation time.

That's just plain bliss, I tell you.
It's been forever since I've gotten to do this-
But now,
We gotta go on.
We gotta start working hard again.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XYAghEq5Lfw
Yesterday I decided to hack off some of my hair
Take a couple inches off,
for I was so soo sick of it being past halfway down my back,
What with the weather and all.
What I didn't realize,
Was how much attachment I had for something that could grow back easily.
Now it's collarbone-length and a poofy mess
The last time I had had it this short was five years ago
And I'm not so sure if it was a decision well made.

Oh well

Excuse me as my vanity results in me re-evaluating all my life choices-
It'll grow back, it'll grow back.
Stop this, why are you even writing a post mourning your hair?

Side note,
Every single hairdresser I've ever been to starts off complimenting my hair type, calling it the latest fashion or whatever, then somehow moves on to recommending I rebond it, as well as all other measures I should take to make it straight and sleek.
Welp, it'll never look the way 'pretty hair' should look, so why don't you guys accept that I love it the way it is and I'm past being told what it should look like?
I'm taking good care of it you know. It's not an excuse for me to be unkempt, it's just that I'm just not born with genes to look polished.
Oh, but it's all just sales tactics- chatty hairdressers are never my thing.

Seventeen, a strange age

Oh my goodness.

I feel like-
Like a spoilt kid. I don't know how blessed I am.

Goodness-
Just yesterday I had written up here what I've always been secretly wishing for,
And it happened.

It happened today guys.
I mean- how wonderful is that?

My parents never plan surprises.
It's just not the way things are,
Just like how we don't give or receive presents in our family.
But this year they'd surprised me with a surprise gift- a pinkish bunny half my size, who flops around, that has a head too big for its body and legs too stout and short in proportion to its body.
Mum had known that I'd wanted it but didn't want her to spend money on it.. And so she had gotten it. For me.
The recording of the birthday song showed how,
When I had my eyes squeezed shut making a wish,
My little brother had run past with a flash of pink in his arms,
And hidden it in my room.
Then
He had bounced his way up to me with a toothy grin-
Chocolate cake and fudge stuck between his teeth,
A ring of brown around his lips,
Exclaiming, 'surprise!'
Dad didn't express himself well as usual
And mum tells me that all she wants is for me to be happy.

Must be tough,
Parenting a kid like myself, who is emotional as heck.

Then,
On whatsapp people from drama had remembered my birthday.

I can't believe it..
I honestly cannot fathom how just yesterday I had (kinda) hoped for something like this,
And I had gotten it.

Goodness.
Thanks ma and pa.

I know I'm extremely flawed and difficult to deal with,
So thank you so much for all of this..

My goodness, how could my wishes have come true?!

May Flower

This year,
My birthday isn't as 'big' an event.
Meaning, I haven't had the time and energy to anticipate it or be sorely disappointed by people.
It's actually alright now even if people forget by accident
Because the people in my life truly do care,
They're just too busy.
And that one or two who only know how to take? I shan't repeat myself any longer- I must be boring you by now- These slimy figures will be eradicated without further consideration. They're scary, they are. The way their eyes light up when you have something to offer, and the way they treat you like a forgotten trinket when you don't.

Today I'll be off for the Japan Matsuri event as a treat for myself
Tomorrow it's the family and I, out for some sushi and cake
A quiet celebration, with several friends remembering and preparing cards- I even got a bag of goodies with chips and snacks inside it ^~^
A quiet weekend it'll be- for I will read and rest and get myself back together.
Monday will be a date out at Universal Studios,
And I'll simply have to finish a bit of work here and there these days; start revision next week, and mug my way through June.
When my brother gets back from Korea I'll get the socks I so love,
Listen to his stories,
And the family will have pizza together. (In case you didn't know, it's tradition that pizza comes with the sealed deal that is birthday celebrations in the Lee household)

Sounds good doesn't it :D

It truly is enough,
Flashy things aren't important-
I probably will never get a birthday song from the class,
Nor will people from my cca remember
Nor will I get one of those surprises that belong only in fantasies
Nor do gifts such as teddy bears find their way into my life-
It is okay that these remain fantasies.
I guess all I ever wanted was a handful of people to remember and care enough to not make me an existence of oblivion,
And a family that never forgets- which I do have, every single year.
There really isn't much more to ask for is there :>


But till my mood improves I'm afraid I don't have much positivity to offer-
It has been a rather difficult two months after all.

When snowflakes fall

I suppose I've been controlling how much I write and what I write,

Just so it doesn't become an indulgence.

The result is that things are soaked up 

And sooner or later a saturation point will be reached.

I don't suppose that I'm 'saturated',

But I most certainly have been feeling rather terrible these days.

I need a break, I need it desperately, and I have taken breaks.. Still, something is lacking.

I need to let go of something, my second CCA. I need to work harder, much, much, harder, for schoolwork.

CCA as I believed would be- has been cut down to a meagre session per week.

What with the upcoming exams in a month's time.. There really wouldn't be much time spent on drama anymore. It isn't good to be right in your predictions you know.

I don't exactly like being right-

I expect things and the fact that they come true is disappointing in nature.

 Okay, now on to what's been eating at me- for today, at least. The other minor things shouldn't be indulged upon.

I think that the most important thing in life is to be nice.

Take care of people's feelings.

But I do this too much, and it causes me to overthink.

So I don't. I stop letting such thoughts gnaw at me. I react the ways in which I feel like reacting, and it's liberating. 

People judge but, ahh.. I can't be spending my energy on such things anymore.

You know,

You really shouldn't joke about someone's appearance.

Afterall, it sticks. It really does, it sticks with you, it changes you.

Aggravates the sense of inferiority that's already there.

Once,

My mouth was supposedly 'sunken in',

My new specs 'funny looking',

My tan skin earned the joke 'nigger',

My personality earned the title 'maid',

My nostrils too flared,

My voice overtly boyish,

My reactions rough,

My hair crude,

My being ugly.

It's funny-

Till you repeat it daily like some mantra

And it's all the entire group ever talks about.

Once,

I was pushed onto the bed-held there with force- by friends 

And as a joke they'd taken pictures of my nose

Sent it to a guy for him to guess whose it was

Before breaking the news of my identity

And a general consensus,

Along with much laughter

That my nostrils were too big and

You can see all the way to the end of it.

Once,

I made bad friends

People who still visit me in bad dreams

Their voices glaring, grating sounds that never arouse me to truly wake,

Yet still keep me delightfully submerged under muddy water.

Once,

It was validation to have an admirer.

I really do think that you should take care of people's hearts.

Because now when people tell me that my voice can be in a radio, a godly compliment from someone with a godly voice himself.. Or that my curly hair is beautiful, or that I am good looking, or a good person in general

I don't believe it, 

I don't believe it,

I don't believe it.

I don't,

You made use of my loneliness and I let you.

It was a dumb thing to do, it was.

But I was young, and how was one supposed to know.

Why the hell did you think it was a good idea to make a joke out of me

To laugh at my expense?

It wasn't just that either,

You and the others never did give back- it was always just taking.

I never did do it to you.

And ha,

Look at you now 

With bad friends by your side

And a mess for a heart.

Seeing her try too hard, admiring you for the first time

Seeing them not being the idolised figurines from before.

Seeing you cry made me worry for a second

But only a second.

Because,

That is what you deserve,

Do not fault me for my forlorn thinking.

Songs of the month

Here's some songs I've been loving recently.

1. Lukas Graham- 7 years
Soon I'll be sixty years old, I'll think the world is cold.

2. Annie- Anthonio
Did you even know my name, did you ever really care
And while I'm at it, why not throw this in too (it's sooo good)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wbqGqSkPG_o

3. Jealous- Cover by Josh Daniel
It's hard for me to say.. I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me.
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me
All you found was heartbreak and misery.

4. Blown Away- Cover by Rion Paige
There's not enough rain in Oklahoma to wash the sins out of that house

5. Thirteen Thirtyfive- Dillon
You'll be thirteen, I'll be thirty five


Not exactly ranking all these cuz, well..
I'm very much in love with all of them.

Take me-

-somewhere nice.


Some people only know how to take.

This time,
You will cut them out entirely.

They're not worth it
And while the accuracy of this statement extends only to my implicit bias towards them,
I believe I am capable of spotting toxic relationships or one way streets.
Unless, that is, you intoxicate me in ways I've never known.
.

This time,
You ain't idolizing anyone
Not anymore, not again.

Learn to spot people,
Learn to classify them.
Complicated as they are, the best way to navigate your way through the maze is to recognize signposts and warnings when you see them. That- is growth.