Just so it doesn't become an indulgence.
The result is that things are soaked up
And sooner or later a saturation point will be reached.
I don't suppose that I'm 'saturated',
But I most certainly have been feeling rather terrible these days.
I need a break, I need it desperately, and I have taken breaks.. Still, something is lacking.
I need to let go of something, my second CCA. I need to work harder, much, much, harder, for schoolwork.
CCA as I believed would be- has been cut down to a meagre session per week.
What with the upcoming exams in a month's time.. There really wouldn't be much time spent on drama anymore. It isn't good to be right in your predictions you know.
I don't exactly like being right-
I expect things and the fact that they come true is disappointing in nature.
Okay, now on to what's been eating at me- for today, at least. The other minor things shouldn't be indulged upon.
I think that the most important thing in life is to be nice.
Take care of people's feelings.
But I do this too much, and it causes me to overthink.
So I don't. I stop letting such thoughts gnaw at me. I react the ways in which I feel like reacting, and it's liberating.
People judge but, ahh.. I can't be spending my energy on such things anymore.
You know,
You really shouldn't joke about someone's appearance.
Afterall, it sticks. It really does, it sticks with you, it changes you.
Aggravates the sense of inferiority that's already there.
Once,
My mouth was supposedly 'sunken in',
My new specs 'funny looking',
My tan skin earned the joke 'nigger',
My personality earned the title 'maid',
My nostrils too flared,
My voice overtly boyish,
My reactions rough,
My hair crude,
My being ugly.
It's funny-
Till you repeat it daily like some mantra
And it's all the entire group ever talks about.
Once,
I was pushed onto the bed-held there with force- by friends
And as a joke they'd taken pictures of my nose
Sent it to a guy for him to guess whose it was
Before breaking the news of my identity
And a general consensus,
Along with much laughter
That my nostrils were too big and
You can see all the way to the end of it.
Once,
I made bad friends
People who still visit me in bad dreams
Their voices glaring, grating sounds that never arouse me to truly wake,
Yet still keep me delightfully submerged under muddy water.
Once,
It was validation to have an admirer.
I really do think that you should take care of people's hearts.
Because now when people tell me that my voice can be in a radio, a godly compliment from someone with a godly voice himself.. Or that my curly hair is beautiful, or that I am good looking, or a good person in general
I don't believe it,
I don't believe it,
I don't believe it.
I don't,
You made use of my loneliness and I let you.
It was a dumb thing to do, it was.
But I was young, and how was one supposed to know.
Why the hell did you think it was a good idea to make a joke out of me
To laugh at my expense?
It wasn't just that either,
You and the others never did give back- it was always just taking.
I never did do it to you.
And ha,
Look at you now
With bad friends by your side
And a mess for a heart.
Seeing her try too hard, admiring you for the first time
Seeing them not being the idolised figurines from before.
Seeing you cry made me worry for a second
But only a second.
Because,
That is what you deserve,
Do not fault me for my forlorn thinking.
No comments:
Post a Comment