My heart

Love is blindness

Oh my.

This is
.
Godly.

It's so powerful and emotional, enchanting in the way the singer has a lonely and broken voice
Whilst the guitar explains it all with its weeping.

Oh my.

This is beyond good.

.__. That's the thing about cringe-worthy things. It never stops happening.

'After all, 'that's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.' It is the single universal shared emotion that strips us down to our vulnerabilities, thereby connecting us.'

I-

Never have I cringed so hard at something that I'd written myself..

It's the kind of thing that you write up here, y'know?
Yea it's something I think of and whatever, but >~<
That just wasn't the time and place to get all reflective and stuffs
I was supposed to be objective!

That's just what happens when you chuck me into a General Paper exam when I'm in one of those 'moods'.

Rule of thumb: When you have ten minutes left but you're pretty much desperate, finish the conclusion on the next page before scribbling the final paragraph in less than five minutes. That way your essays are always complete. :>

I did indeed write that paragraph in 5 minutes
Does that make it any less cringe-worthy and cliché tho?

No
No, it doesn't.

.__.

Go me... *sigh*

Call me.

If you go out more,
You'll realize that this world is full of good looking people.

So even if you 'are' attractive,
You aren't special.
You wouldn't actually turn heads in rooms
Unless, that is, you are extremely attractive
Or you have an aura of confidence that doesn't dent inward.

If people take interest in you just through seeing you once,
It most likely is desperation.
That person most likely hasn't seen the amount of 'choices' out there.
Lack of experience and exposure has convinced them that you are the best thing available.

Therefore, those feelings are fickle.

Therefore, love at first sight cannot exist.

Far fetched, or nah?

For you

I think what makes this show so special is how it really does deal with the truth of things, however idealistic.

Sure everything wraps up nicely in the end, but that's only because this is all fictional.
When issues are talked about however, there is truth,
And there is courage.

.
How is it that you can understand so much more after time has passed?

You know,
It didn't use to be so deeply moving, however powerful it was.

.
Still, this entire series "is" terribly, overtly, ideal.
Personally I would have wanted another ending, but oh well..
I enjoyed the good parts while they lasted.

Some days you awaken feeling truly refreshed.

So good.

I'm someone to get hooked onto one song after the next
So here you go, the latest one.

Thing is, I slept so so well for the past two nights,
And it's only because I watched Naruto before sleeping.

No kidding.
If you get overtly excited right before bed like I do,
Or just cant fall asleep/have bad dreams,
Try an episode or two of your favourite show

It works like magic,
It really does.

Naruto will always hold a special place in my heart,
Draggy and cliché parts and all.

Watching it at 13 is different from 17

You understand and pick up so much more, you see.

 .


I was on the train when I saw an eight, maybe ten-year old boy stare at an attractive woman with a lustful gaze- parted lips and intense focused eyes,
And I couldn't ever forget that image.

Why, I wonder, do I find it an uncomfortable thing to notice?
Perhaps it's that the weird uncles that you yourself meet don't have that concentrated a look of  transparent desire
Perhaps it's that the child was that young, and the mother did not seem to notice.

Perhaps it's normal, and you just happened to see it.
If inappropriate actions aren't taken, does it mean that it's okay for men to look at women lustfully?

Yet another thing that you don't yet have answers to,
Because wrong sexual acts aren't justified by the natural lust present in people,
And yet when it's displayed in its rawest manner it isn't that pleasant a feature to observe.

But you sure can't wipe that memory away
Just like those old men who made you feel just as uncomfortable.

Musical rainbow

Music is one of the things that color life, so here's a couple discoveries I think you'll love as much as I do.

1) Daniela Andrade
She makes both covers and originals, and lemme just tell you-
She has the voice of an angel.
It's clear, it reveberates within your heart, it's pure and sweet and slightly sexy.
Do check her out!
I loved the original one by Judy Garland, but this was beautiful too.
If I had my way, I'd stay in

And of course, I have to include this too.
Soulful and heartbreaking, it's breathtaking.
I've always thought that Judy Garland had a voice that seemed too old for her, like there were heavy burdens that she carried beneath that sprightliness.
Her eyes look almost vacant to me, as though they've seen too much to want to see anymore.
I don't know, she's had a really tragic life that saddens me to think of.. If only she didn't have to go through all that.

2) Meat Loaf
This is amazing.
'I bet you say that to all the boys!'
^ Just gotta love that line and the way it was delivered.

Everything about music and movies from the past is great.
I wanna listen to more, I wanna check out Nirvana and The Beatles and more.
You know me not to be one of those who thinks that music of today is trash, I just think that it's not very distinct, almost to the point where it becomes a little boring. Some songs have strong emotions and messages, while others have none. It's more about selling the artiste and selling via sex than anything else, and the focus is on the beat and sounding good. In short, I find a lack of meaning in many of the songs nowadays, but there's still good music out there.
And of course, I'm still one to love catchy songs and rock to popular hits.
I just don't find all of it to be that enticing, is all.

I really like this one.

3) Boards of Canada
Now this is interesting.
It's extremely different, and very.. Transportive, I would say.
It is calming, and seems to tell a story with every individual track.
It almost makes you feel like you're teleporting to a different place with unknown beings beside you, you know?
Definitely, this is music that hooks onto you and doesn't let go.

I don't know why, but this makes me think of flying mermaids and sails built horizontally on a ship.
^ I guess that's why I like this music so much, it really is unique in the strangeness it carries.


Now here's another great one.

4) The Smashing Pumpkins
Today is the greatest
'Pink ribbon scars'. I love that phrase. Why is it so?

I like this one more :>
It's kinda a laid-back sounding, funky type of style of music, isn't it?

Anyways
I think that's it for now.
All these are songs/artistes I've been liking/loving recently,
But I don't love them all,
Not yet.

Sometimes you have to go back several times before you can appreciate something that isn't the  mainstream cereal that you're spoon-fed on a daily basis.
Still, I rather like these songs.
Does that mean that I've got bad taste?
Or am I.. Boring?
*Dramatic music plays*

Man, the second worse thing to ever happen to a person-
Right next to becoming bad enough to hurt others intentionally-
Is to be boring, predictable, and typical.

Ah, but music isn't something you like to make yourself interesting.
It just happens.
Therefore, to wrap this up, let's share a lil something that I've loved from a long time ago, shall we?

I just wanna learn to appreciate different sorts of music, expand that range and thereby expand my experiences and views, that's all. Liking them is different from loving them, but I'm enjoying this all the same. I just don't ever want to be stuck on one genre of music, that's way too flat a way of living life. (I wonder if I'm contradicting myself..)

5) Late Night Alumni
Beautiful, huh?

6) Linkin Park
I need a hero, save me now.
There's one amazing song from them that I loved as a live performance, but I can't recall it right now. >~< Oh well. You get the point.
These people are godly at what they do, and I love them for it.

So much darkness within the world.

Every day you read news of tragic incidents that take place.

Every day,
Till you start to feel less empathy for the victims.
Thing is, the more you read, the less you feel, and that's the depressing thing.

It's hard to believe that such hate exists within the world,
That there are people out there who would hurt others out of ignorant and blind hate.

If thinking in terms of what it'd be like if you were one of them in the shooting,
Or the family members of those who were harmed
Makes you feel inexpressibly heavy and upset

It must be unimaginable pain that everyone is going through right now.

It's really sad..
I really do hope it all stops happening, and that they have all the hope they need to go on,
To stop hurting.

Times like these you see a lot of the beauty in this world, too.
It really does emphasize the light and darkness present,
But that's hardly enough good to cover the bad that just keeps happening.

There is always a period to grieve, not fix things.

So many bad things happen in this world

Sometimes, the first thing to do isn't to evaluate things;

It's to let the heart breathe.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tkV_rY3xQHg

What has happened just breaks the heart,
I really don't understand how people can do such terrible things to others.

Inhale.

I actually had had a good dream last night.

How infrequent; it took a little while to recall and register.
Ever since this year has begun, it's been becoming harder to fall asleep,
Let alone dream well.

Oh well.
Let this be the last post I dedicate to SYFC then.

If I can memorize pages of checks by staring at a picture of the poster whilst in school,
If I can place the poster on the wall despite wanting that space for paintings and dreamcatchers,
If I can record myself for RT calls, plug my earphones in and sound borderline weird for practicing out loud,
If I can have stared at a map trying to memorize and orientate myself (which I never, ever do for anything else),
If I can have tried out mental flying,
If I can have tried for something,

Studying is not a problem.

Well, at least the part of putting in effort is.

It's all too easy to become afraid of subjects you don't fare well in.
But unlike flying, I am given time for practice.
To waste it wouldn't be the smart thing to do.

So,
Let's do it.
My life will become easier from now on,
What with drama being cut down and flying being removed.

Therefore
Let us have the sole focus of studying from now.

Feathers in the air

I skipped right to the end in the previous post didn't I.

Returning to the club yesterday for the very last time, for an interview-feedback session, the journey there and back had been more emotional than expected, with you looking out at the passing scenery, trying to remember that one reservoir you like. After all, it sparkles under the strong sunlight, it really does. Glitter dances across its surface and the shades of blue always appears to be changing- it was always the highlight of the entire ride on the bus.

You took pictures with your instructor, and the planes, and the sign of the club.
Self-indulgent, yes, but it's the only steadfast memory that you know wouldn't fade, that you wanna be printing out for the little stash-away-notebook you're making for yourself.
Before I go on, I'd like you to know that this second cca that I'd signed up for was the Singapore Youth Flying Club.
As the name suggests, I'd tried my hand at flying a little plane. At the end of it all -if you make it- you get something called a Private Pilot License (PPL), invitations to join the Air Force and all. It isn't something that you can use, directly, to become an actual pilot, but it provides you with experience and opportunities at becoming one.
When I first joined it was merely something I'd wanted to try out.
It sounded fun, daring, and different.
I wanted to challenge myself.
I wanted at least to try, and not have any regrets at having given up before effort for new things- and only because they are too new, too out of your reach, and all too real.

Besides, it's free and the only chance I'll ever have at flying a plane. If ever I regretted my decision at not giving it a shot, I'll have to spend a ton of money trying to learn this stuff.
So of course I went for it, fear and all.

When you want something,
You work for it.
Things like 1.5-2 hours of pure traveling time there doesn't matter; you switch to reading on the way instead, or resting, or even revision.
I guess that makes it roughly 4 hours spent on traveling time alone, and about 12 hours of that every week once flights and simulator lessons commenced. Still, it was easy to look past that.
It was rather difficult, memorizing pages upon pages of checks (where you remember the names of buttons in the cockpit and the sequence of which to check them prior to flying/during flights), or external checks where you remember parts of the aircraft and what to check for.
R/T calls are radio calls you make as you taxy the plane (moving it on the ground to the holding point and so on), and there are certain phrases to memorize and the timings where you'd have to make the calls. At the same time you gotta listen out for other radio calls made by other planes, and for the responses to your call- and reply as appropriate. (I hope I make sense..)
There too are landmarks you gotta remember, and know when you've exceeded the training area, where to turn, etc.
The checks were fine and my calls apparently good, but looking out and recognizing landmarks whilst flying the plane wasn't something I did well. Multitasking, or task-switching at a moderately fast rate, was not something I did well either. In fact, that's pretty much the reason for my phasing out- I am behind the aircraft because I get too fixated on one thing to move on to the next task to do many different different things well, at one go.
I suppose it isn't a surprise, that I was never good at listening to music while studying the first place, or watching a video whilst making a phone call. Only recently have I gotten better at reading with music, and that's pretty much the only multitasking I do.

Sigh.
Obviously it'd saddened me, that all of a sudden effort wasn't enough due to innate lacking qualities.
At the last session I'd been told that with time and practice all of us would have been able to do it, but limited resources ensures that only those who have a certain level of innate capability get to move on to the next phase. Fair enough, it was what I'd reasoned with myself as consolation anyway.

Still, I'd been lucky enough to fly with two of the nicest (I believe so, anyway) instructors in the entire club. You know how instructors can be; I really am one lucky jelly to have flown with the two of them for my six flights.
Even though I failed, I got the experience. I got to fly an actual airplane!
I mean, how amazing is that?

One of the instructors gave me a lil talk on sortie 5, telling me that I'd tried but multitasking and cycle-motor skills aren't my forte. (No surprise there, I don't play sports outside of school curriculum, and never competitively. I can't cycle as well... >~< )
Sortie 6 I'd wanted to try anyways, but still couldn't do it regardless. The instructor however still taught me as though I'd be advancing on to the next phase. What's more, he really spent time talking to me, asking things like what my desire was when I first joined, then saying nice phrases like I wasn't the first or last to fail, that people are geared for different things, sharing with me his own experiences, then rounding it all off with 'You are young, the future is full of possibilities for you to explore.'
See, even though certain phrases are expected they aren't typical, and it's because not everyone is nice and kind enough to actually voice them out and take care of your feelings for you.
It never is a good thing to expect nice things from others, or to rely upon them for your wellbeing.  But you gotta admit, it's really sweet when someone cares enough to do that for ya.

On the last flight I'd stared out, trying to commit the beautiful scenery to memory.
Taking off is this magical thing where all things familiar to you turns, all of a sudden, to looking tinier and almost fake-looking. When you're 2500ft up in the air, highways look like some sort of well-built game a wealthy kid would be playing with. The cars zoom after one another, and you spot one bright yellow one that looks like one of those models at your aunt's house. The little houses look cute, and the flats like Lego bricks consciously arranged into specific arrangements. Reservoirs have shapes and little islands like messages you'd see in movies whilst soaring atop a talking eagle.
On days where the sky is unbelievably clear, the water sparkles slightly, and you think to yourself you don't wanna give this up.

At 7000ft you are above some clouds, and even though they look to be solid and opaque whilst on the ground, going through one of them the entire canopy screen goes grayish white and you can't see a thing save for snippets of the red roofs below and the highways surrounding them.
As a twelve-year-old kid we are told that clouds are nothing more than water vapor that's evaporated and condensed into water droplets in the sky. In the actual sky however, they look like cotton stacked not top of each other in spontaneous, random tufts, with certain layers alike to thin sheets spread out like floss.
At one point the sky had this beautiful gradient going on- blue at the top, merging into a turquoise that blends into slight hints of green and small areas of yellow, before ending off on a mysterious note- a pinkish-orangish-reddish hue right before the horizon and the bustling city lay below at your feet.
A smattering of clouds here and there took on the whimsical colors of the sky, and you legitimately see a couple yellow and pink clouds here and there.
There are wavy ones too, and there was another part of the flight where clouds stacked itself upon the others, creating this fluffy looking mound that looked like there could be secret palaces with glittering jewels hidden within it. There are flat looking platforms that look like angels and dancing stars bounce on top of them, creating little dents wherever they went.

Singapore is small, but you don't ever realize it, having lived here all your life, until you actually go up there and all you see separating your country from Malaysia is a little band of blue waters, and you can see all the way to Marina Barrage with its unmistakable three buildings- just by turning your head a little.

It was, beautiful.
And for some reason I had been lucky enough to experience a 1.4 hour flight on that last Friday morning, for the reason that there was heavy air traffic in the air.
It was the longest flight ever experienced, and you took advantage of it, wishing you could capture the images like a running video: the teeny tiny fishing village, the sandy beaches that's wavy and textured with different hues of brown, the clouds, the sky, the hazy parts, the fake looking trees and city.
Then it's over, you're landing and you're taxying back to the shed.

I have to say, I don't regret joining the club. At all.
Sure it's been pretty much hell for the past three months, sure I had to wake up really early on some days and be sleep deprived on others, but it was worth it.
Fifty years later, I'll be able to look back and smile and say, 'That was one wild ride, and I'm glad I took it, I'm so glad I tried to do whatever my heart desired.'

Youth is an asset,
And here I'd used it. Along with my height (who would have known it'd be a prerequisite?), my Gold NAPHA results (yep. I'm not sorry for bragging.), and my time, energy, and efforts, I have gotten myself a precious experience in my otherwise constant life.
Side note?  I have not made it, but my face made it on the flyer.
(It really is a coincidence, I shouldn't speak as though I earned it)
Besides, they'd gotten me to do a little voiceover for the graduation video this year, and that was great in its own way.

So much has happened that I shall not forget.

This wonderful, magical, exhausting three-month period of my life-
So much that I shall not forget,
Always.

Just another night.

Listen to this.

When the night is cold and all you see is silence hanging in the air,
Music like this really does heal.
It makes you reflect,
And the quiet mood sweeps away all dust mites just so you'd be able to sit onto the rotting log again.

It's hard to drift off to sleep when things weigh on your mind,
However temporary they are,
However exhausted you may feel.

I'll talk about my second cca then
Just know, that I've failed.
It isn't the one and only failure in my life, for which I'm happy about.
And while failure is in no way humiliating or shocking,
It most definitely isn't a sweet thing to experience.

Ah, ah, of course you know that.

I guess I just wanted to write up here that I don't regret joining it in the first place.
It wasn't something I was passionate about,
But hearing about it for the first time it'd made me want to take a leap forward,
Try for something.


'Go for it. Whether it ends good or bad, it was an experience.'
Boy did that ring true.

I'd say that I tried, but there wasn't enough effort at first
And halfway through I had wanted to quit.
There was pressure, time constraints, and worries.
When I finally set my mind to doing it it wasn't enough,
And I found out about my capacity.
So if I'd tried hard enough from the start alongside the tests and projects I probably would have done better, but still not at a level that is good enough.
At least I'd prepared what I should, memorized all that I could, did all that I needed to.
I'm sure that with enough practice I'd get it.
But truth is, the world isn't gonna give you chances for that.

You gotta have enough potential for them to invest resources in you, you gotta be able to do it to some extent. The world can't wait for you to improve and change; you have to be at a certain level from the start. Especially so, if it's something new and out there and everyone else trying to get in are doing this for the first time.
You gotta be made for it.
And I'm not geared for this.

Ultimately, it's not something inherently within my field of scope.
That's the truth.
I'm too soft, too slow, with too low a capacity, and not sharp enough a mind.
This just isn't for me.

I will not sugarcoat this because that's what I've learnt, and it honestly is valuable. I can't blame the world for something that is lacking on my part, yea?
That's the way it works.


But at least I'd tried.

'You tried. I know you tried.'

After failing you grab onto this one line,
This saddest and nicest line from your kind instructor,
As if it reassures some part of you, and ensures a lack of regret.

I suppose that the news is still rather fresh, that I'm writing more than is necessary.

.
At the interview a certain line had stuck.

'Have you ever wanted something really bad but failed to get it?'

From the very first ground session on I'd felt this immense wall ahead of me, that I'd have to climb. It'd scared me, but doesn't all things new frighten? Therefore at least you'd have to give it a shot.. But I didn't manage to make it.

Still,
I'm glad.

It was an experience regardless.
And I still have one more session to go, even if I've been told that I'll be phased out.
What's left to do is to say my thanks and enjoy that very last session.

Because,
Fifty years down the road I will not regret not trying at all.

.
You told me I'd be a quitter for life.
Well, I'm not.
I'm trying not to be.

Failing's not counted

is it?
.

At least I've learnt things.
Met people. Put in effort.
Saw,
Something different.

This year, I will finally eat to my heart's content.

It's that time of the year again.

What, you say?

Summerti- DURIANTIME!
It's the highlight of any year,
It deserves a spotlight of its own,
It's happiness in one spiky shell.

I tell you,
It doesn't stink. Well, at least it doesn't to me.
It smells like the epitome of enticement  and seduction, really.
Cologne like this will probably capture my hormones' attention-
It'll probably capture a lot of attention.

Ah, but good durian isn't mushy.
It is slightly bitter with hints of sweetness hidden beneath the loud notes of extreme fragrance, and under no circumstances should it have a diluted taste or watery bottom.
Unfortunately, I have tasted some of the latter
But hey,
It's durian.

It's durian!
You just can't go wrong with durian:
However bad it is it will always be beautiful

Because
There is no such thing on this planet as bad durian.

Every single year I've always had some sort of reason to need to protect my voice and not overindulge on this fruit- King of fruits, I mean.
Every single year, there's always been some kind of speech competition or event to be an emcee of. This time however, I shall not care even though I do have something that requires the lack of a sore throat and unhindered speech.. It's worth it.
I've ditched enough Duriantimes for the sake of performances and other stuffs.

I will not deny my heart's desire any longer.
Not ever,
Never!

Marapay wrap-up

There is a lot to be said.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gRwFRMGpTWg

For now,
The focus shall be on March/April/May wrap-up (Now you have an idea of the reason for the catchy title); I have dragged it on for far too long. It's quite the pathetic number of books, but it isn't really about quantity but the pace and the habit of reading that I'm trying to inculcate in myself again.
I swear, it came extremely easily as a child- I used to reread Mr Meddlesome and camp at the reading corner in school.
Now however I find it increasingly harder to relax and sit down to a good book.
My mind's somewhere else half the time, and I feel anxiety at not doing something else whilst reading. Unhealthy, I know- I'm trying to rectify it.

But on to the books. I've rather enjoyed a couple of them, quite immensely.

1) The five people you meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
It's about a man, Eddie, who dies in an accident in an amusement park, from trying to save a little girl. He then meets five different people in the Afterlife, who teaches him lessons he needs to learn.
I'll warn you beforehand that this book was read in March and a lot has happened since then, including information-overload, events, and loads of other things. In short, I don't actually remember much of this book except for the general feeling that it was too preachy and too.. 'good'. D'you know what I mean?
This is the first book I've read of Mitch Albom despite having wanted, since a long time ago, to read Tuesdays with Morrie first. Oh well. I had really high hopes for this writer, and was a hundred percent sure that I'd love him. Since it's only been one book I shall not jump to conclusions, but based on this single piece of handiwork I shall tell you what I think: I found it slightly preachy that
forgiveness is needed for one to move on- especially when it concerns oneself. I didn't really like the idea of repenting for things you didn't do either, not exactly. (for instance, indirectly causing the death of someone else, in that if he hadn't died you would have died, and by him dying you are responsible in some way.) Perhaps I had read it wrong, because I did get the other message that you can't blame yourself for things- certain things are meant to happen and you can't dwell forever on what might  have happened and what-if questions.
Here's my take on hatred being poison you drink that you wish fervently to kill the other party: I don't exactly agree. Sure, it destroys you to hold onto hatred. Since I don't have hate in my life, I sure can't speak much on the matter. But I do have my little sparks of anger that I smother and keep stashed away beneath my words, so using that as my limited means of explanation, I have only this to say: I don't believe in forgiving and forgetting. If anger is there, you keep it. You keep it, and you learn from it, just so you don't fall for the same traps in people again. When time heals (and it will, surely), you learn to let go. But should it anger you again, or should you never forget, or never forgive.. You shouldn't feel obliged to 'forgive'. Because forcing yourself to do so only causes you to suppress feelings and aggravate them in the future. Perhaps it's just me, but I can afford to move on and live like myself even with this anger in my heart, unforgotten. At least I'm honest with myself, and I let my heart feel what it feels- for it isn't right, or good for you, to condition yourself into thinking a certain way just because its been said to be the better way out.
So there. I may not have forgiven. And I most definitely haven't forgotten. But it makes me a better person to hold onto these things, and it's simply because the act of holding on causes me to never get consumed or overwhelmed by feuds of the past.
I hope what's up here isn't senseless rambling but words that make sense, not just to me, but to you, too.

2) 12 years a slave by Solomon Northup
The eloquence in this book was astounding. See what I did there *smirks*
But really, I wasn't expecting it to be such an objective view on slavery despite the brutal sufferings inflicted upon the narrator. Books are usually written in a way that draws readers in, in that every painful experience is detailed and personal, and written for the sake of entertainment. More often than not, it's like a movie that you're watching with popcorn in your sweaty palms, sobbing and waiting with anticipation with the full knowledge that all of it is fictional, that it isn't real. Thus, you can safely weep and laugh before going to bed at night with a satisfied smile playing on your lips.
Whilst this book was detailed and personal, it was honest to the point of detachment, in that the writer strives to be as unbiased as possible, so as to reflect the truest sides of slavery trade to its readers. That I'd found really admirable, considering that having experienced such cruelty,  writing whilst keeping feelings in check was achieved.
Really, I was very impressed. As stated by many other reviews, books in general romanticize slavery or use it as a mere plot tool, such that readers don't see the sheer extremity of the devastation it
Pcauses, and I'm so glad I read this book, because now I've learnt things, however meager. Thankfully it no longer exists, but isn't trafficking the new slavery? When, exactly, will such things  cease to be forced upon people?

I loved the film as well- Great acting, scripting, great way of putting it all together. The scene towards the end of Solomon leaving Patsey was exactly as I'd pictured it, and it made me bawl, more so than the book did. Certain parts were changed though, like Patsey begging to be killed by Solomon because she didn't have the bravery to commit suicide, or William Ford being a hypocritical master, or Solomon pleasuring Patsey at the beginning of the film. (Quoting from reviews)
I thought that all these were either misreadings of the book or mere tactics to make the film sell, which is a shame, but I'm not complaining anyway- cuz if I hadn't read the book I would have interpreted these scenes in different ways and they'd have still sent out powerful messages.
So yes. To be frank, I desperately needed to cry, and it wasn't a mood swing or a mere whim, but a need at the time, and this'd helped.

3) Tiger Tiger by Margaux Fragoso
Goodness, this book.
It's non-fictional like 12 years, and goodness, was it powerful.
This book talks about pedophilia and the effects it has on a growing child. Don't worry, it's not as dull as I'm making it out to be. But it broke my heart for how truthful it was (because it is, after all, real): How Peter (the old man) manipulated Margaux, how Margaux's family background had everything to do with why he succeeded, how it broke Margaux and followed her through to adulthood, and how she never actually understood all that until she was much older, which was pretty late.
It wasn't just an interesting insight into pedophilia; it was heart wrenching and memorable, and it makes you wish that no one falls prey (not just) to pedophiles, but manipulation in general.

4) Matched by Ally Condie
This is one of those love stories that takes place in a world where who you love and what you eat, do, or learn is decided and planned for you, in a system that ensures conformity and people who follow orders without questioning. Who you marry is generated by a computer, and you can either marry that person and have children at a designated age, or choose not to marry and remain single forever.
I quite liked that poetry and hand-written words became this highly prized thing that is forbidden, and that songs were corrected by computers to have the perfect pitch. I loved that how much you run and all that you do, down to when you die, is set in stone, and the protagonist both conforms and has some unconventional thoughts, thereby contributing to internal conflicts that both interests other characters and pushes them away from her.
I loved the one poem in the book as well. How it eventually became this symbolic love song transmitted via secretive words was amazing- that's the kind of love story that I believe in.

5) Insurgent by Veronica Roth
Yeah, I know I'm the tortoise trying to crawl onto the bandwagon.
This series just doesn't do it for me, y'know? It's good, but Tris hardened too quickly, too easily, in the first book. We see a lot of breakdowns in the second one, but I just don't feel as much for Tris as I should.
I did really like that Four trusted her so much tho
Welp. Moving on to Allegient next, I really do hope that I'll have something else to say about this series. Someone spoiled it for me already so I know the ending, but hopefully the book itself changes that. Thing is, it just isn't as addictive or absorbing as all other teens rave about, and I'll have to read more before concluding.

6) Dorothy must die
This is a rewritten version of Dorothy in Oz, and it sounded interesting enough that all the good guys are apparently bad in this newly crafted world, and that Good Witches are bad and vice versa.
Having never actually watched Oz, I feel like I've ruined it for myself by grabbing this book first.
But I've heard some good things about this book, and so couldn't resist bringing it home when I saw it sitting in the school library bookshelf.
Anyways.
Lemme start the review off with-
The angst made me want to kill myself.
Seriously.
For goodness' sake, the first fifty pages of the protagonist being in high school, throwing cringe-worthy lines around, from flirting through teaching a guy math to a pregnant teen thinking that it'll make the guy come back to her..all that was unnecessary and boring and immature to the point where I was this close to putting my head through a wall.
Angst in YA books are usually good in that it provides spunk to the writing and some interesting flair, not.. This.
It only started getting better when she got into the actual warped world of Oz and we were introduced to evil characters and the twisted ways of the world.
However, this book was slow-paced and while it can be understood that teenage girls with raging hormones feel the hots for just about any good looking guy, the way it was written in this book just made me want to stop. I didn't because the world building was good, and so was everything else.. Everything but the angst.
On one hand there are books like Divergent that creates overtly perfect characters. On the other extreme end, we have protagonists who speak so much like the typical Starbucks girl fangiring over her latest celebrity crush it annoys you and ruins the entire experience. I appreciate a healthy balance between the two, and this book was just..
I'm not sure I like it, but we shall rate it as a border-line hate I guess. I still do want to know what happens in the end, as well as how the world is expanded.
Side note?
I anticipated the last line of the book.
I saw it coming.
Not that it's something to be that proud of,
But I bragged to everyone I saw that day.

7) The Winner's Curse by Marie Rutkoski
I remember the first book- it was highly intelligent, well-paced, with lovable characters who can think for themselves. This one, as expected from reviews, has Kestrel the protagonist playing the fool because of love, and Arin the guy being blind from everything.
I hate misunderstandings- Not just in real life, but in books and dramas as well.
Perhaps it's not surprising that I really didn't appreciate this sequel- Missed timings and inaccurate calculations can be really good, but only if it doesn't compromise on the love that characters hold for each other. Call me a sick romantic, but I absolutely detest it when characters doubt each other. That is the one thing that I don't want to be realistic in books- People doubt each other enough as it is, do please provide me with the respite of trust and unwavering love in fiction, won't you?
I shall latch my hands onto the third book so that this pain I feel for Kestrel is put to rest.

8) Red Queen
Ah, this book.
It is set in a world where red bloods are trodden upon for not having powers, and silver bloods who have powers who do the treading, and the hierarchy that comes along with it.
I have to say, I picked this one up because i needed a light-hearted, cliché read.
This book however turned out to be full of twists and turns and betrayals, and it was heavier than expected. I saw the twist coming but didn't want it to happen. Oh well. Guess I had my heart shattered there. But I'd been sure that the protagonist would succeed in the end, which was why I picked it up in the first place. There's four books to this series tho, so that's that. I'm done grieving for how I'm to wait till next year for the third book.
In general, I liked this book. I wasn't expecting so much sadness in this, but it was a great read regardless.

9) Glass Sword
The sequel to Red Queen.
Here we have more heartbreaks, and if you thought that Red Queen was addictive, wait till you get to this one.
As a bio student, I had a great laugh about a certain death in this one. Not before crying, of course. A lot of crying. I suppose the writer doesn't understand Biology well, but she sure knows grief and what it does to you.
Halfway through I was wondering if the protagonist was too perfect, but no. She doesn't sound like your typical teen, but she sounds young, with loads to learn. That's the kind of character that is lovable, don't you think? There is a lot of character growth, and unlike Tris which hardened way too smoothly, this character changed from being jaded and broken, betrayed and pieced together yet again. In Red Queen she was the fool, which pretty much doesn't happen in most books nowadays, and you as the reader get to be a fool along with her, and it's very refreshing. It also makes it all the more heart breaking.
I wasn't that into Red Queen at first, but by the time I had my hands on Glass Sword I'd formed an attachment with the characters. Glass Sword delves deeper into the crevices of the heart, yanking it open and forcing it to crack more.
It was.. Really sad. But good. And I as I've said am currently grieving over how I have to wait till next year- next year! This wait is so painful my goodness.

10) The Wrath and the Dawn by Renee Andieh
This is a cliché book.
A book tuber raved about it and said all sorts of good things about it, but all I see is cliches and expected turns, expected likable characters and an expected love story.
But you know what, I love cliches- it's just what I needed.
The story goes like this: every dawn the prince takes a new bride and kills her, and the protagonist seeks revenge for her friend, who was one of those brides.
I hope I'm not spoiling this for you, but I liked that everything about this book is clichéd and expected. (I need a wider range of vocabulary.)

11) Aristotle and Dante discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz
This book is about acceptance. Growing up, sexuality, love, and accepting oneself and the others. It is beautiful. The writing is beautiful, the characters wonderfully built upon, the style poetic, the cover beautiful, the character's thoughts extremely accurate and real. The emotions in this are so raw and grating that it leaves you slightly bruised, slightly scarred, and smiling because it was that windy a ride. After finishing it all you want to do is to curl into bed and finish tearing up.
This book makes you happy. It makes you warm inside.
There are two wonderful families and powerful dialogues.
It is a beautiful book, and a new favorite.
One day I will reread Perks of being a Wallflower, Lord of the Flies, and this.

This, I assure you, will be the first.

That's it I think.
It's an average of 3-4 books each month, so I suppose I didn't do too bad, considering how absolutely exhausted I was. The past term has been nothing short of draining, and I have my disturbing dreams to act as proof of that. Guess that means that the beautiful dreamcatcher I finally got doesn't exactly work, but I never believed in those things anyway.
Feels good to finally be doing this list, as much time as it took.

It always feels good to do something you've been putting off for a long time, enjoyable or not.
Next, I will paint.
It will be a housewarming gift for a childhood friend, and I will prepare her birthday gift in advance.
Then, I will study and prepare for all the things coming up.
Its been raining a lot recently, so things have only been getting better. Furthermore, I'm finally trying out new food and different things. For once, I stopped getting curry chicken rice from the same Japanese stall in school- I switched to whimsical food choices for each day. Guess that isn't much to talk about, but I'm proud of myself. I've been having that same dish for a year, now.
Ordering beef burgers at Mac or trying out places like MosBurger has me grinning all day long, too. Food is good. It is the meaning to every single bad and good thing in life.
As someone who loses her appetite whenever stressed or upset, it's a pretty good feeling to be wanting and craving food on a regular basis, and I have a youtuber to thank for that.

Watching her helped so much. It makes me happy, too

Aaaaaand
That's it.
Let's make this a wonderful holiday, shall we? :>