Just another night.

Listen to this.

When the night is cold and all you see is silence hanging in the air,
Music like this really does heal.
It makes you reflect,
And the quiet mood sweeps away all dust mites just so you'd be able to sit onto the rotting log again.

It's hard to drift off to sleep when things weigh on your mind,
However temporary they are,
However exhausted you may feel.

I'll talk about my second cca then
Just know, that I've failed.
It isn't the one and only failure in my life, for which I'm happy about.
And while failure is in no way humiliating or shocking,
It most definitely isn't a sweet thing to experience.

Ah, ah, of course you know that.

I guess I just wanted to write up here that I don't regret joining it in the first place.
It wasn't something I was passionate about,
But hearing about it for the first time it'd made me want to take a leap forward,
Try for something.


'Go for it. Whether it ends good or bad, it was an experience.'
Boy did that ring true.

I'd say that I tried, but there wasn't enough effort at first
And halfway through I had wanted to quit.
There was pressure, time constraints, and worries.
When I finally set my mind to doing it it wasn't enough,
And I found out about my capacity.
So if I'd tried hard enough from the start alongside the tests and projects I probably would have done better, but still not at a level that is good enough.
At least I'd prepared what I should, memorized all that I could, did all that I needed to.
I'm sure that with enough practice I'd get it.
But truth is, the world isn't gonna give you chances for that.

You gotta have enough potential for them to invest resources in you, you gotta be able to do it to some extent. The world can't wait for you to improve and change; you have to be at a certain level from the start. Especially so, if it's something new and out there and everyone else trying to get in are doing this for the first time.
You gotta be made for it.
And I'm not geared for this.

Ultimately, it's not something inherently within my field of scope.
That's the truth.
I'm too soft, too slow, with too low a capacity, and not sharp enough a mind.
This just isn't for me.

I will not sugarcoat this because that's what I've learnt, and it honestly is valuable. I can't blame the world for something that is lacking on my part, yea?
That's the way it works.


But at least I'd tried.

'You tried. I know you tried.'

After failing you grab onto this one line,
This saddest and nicest line from your kind instructor,
As if it reassures some part of you, and ensures a lack of regret.

I suppose that the news is still rather fresh, that I'm writing more than is necessary.

.
At the interview a certain line had stuck.

'Have you ever wanted something really bad but failed to get it?'

From the very first ground session on I'd felt this immense wall ahead of me, that I'd have to climb. It'd scared me, but doesn't all things new frighten? Therefore at least you'd have to give it a shot.. But I didn't manage to make it.

Still,
I'm glad.

It was an experience regardless.
And I still have one more session to go, even if I've been told that I'll be phased out.
What's left to do is to say my thanks and enjoy that very last session.

Because,
Fifty years down the road I will not regret not trying at all.

.
You told me I'd be a quitter for life.
Well, I'm not.
I'm trying not to be.

Failing's not counted

is it?
.

At least I've learnt things.
Met people. Put in effort.
Saw,
Something different.