Boyish, twinkling lights

It was the celebration of my maternal grandad's birthday yesterday.

People got together,
The mood was merry, the tv as always was on without anyone really watching it,
And granny was debating with my aunt's entire family over whether a car should cut into someone's lane from the left, or the right- because she'd been overtaken by a taxi while riding a bicycle, and that'd pissed her off.
(I should probably mention that the law is disregarded in such debates because whatever they think is right, is right to them.)

It was amusing, to say the least.
And I know it sounds like all these people are on terrible terms with one another
But really it's just a very everyday scene that repeats itself over and over again, over the course of the many dinners that we have together, and it happens as often as that because that's the way they are; that's how close they are, and that's how talkative and excited they get over pretty much any topic on the news, and raising voices to make a point is the norm.
They love to debate, and most of the time it's just banter and an aunt and a granny that hates to lose arguments.

And, well,
That's what I enjoy so much.

It's all so very intimate and funny, don't you think?
Although, me as I am,
I constantly play the observer role that isn't necessarily passive,

Just,
Quiet.

There was this once I'd gone out with my aunt's family,
And... Whoa.
I felt my lifespan shorten as I gasped for air in between lines of a conversation that never did end.
And then I felt my socialising-people-meter go through the roof,
And an internal explosion happened that cooked all my hair and brains.

Well,
You get the idea.



Then it was time for the infamous picture taking before the cake ceremony,
And that's pretty much more important than the cake itself.

The tv had on one of those programmes that explored nostalgia and the loneliness that comes with it, and one of those piano pieces was being played.

If anything, it felt like I was watching a film,
And I was there without being an outsider
But without really being on the inside either.

Grandma took the effort to shower, and grandad changed into an outfit that wasn't flattering but obviously made him feel great,
And he put his arm around granny.
Dentures and all,
He grinned,

And I thought I saw a flash of his younger days.

Then everyone was bursting with happiness and smiling with such gusto,
And they encouraged granny to grin, too, because that'd make her beautiful.

It was all so very nice
Because my granny doesn't smile much as a default facial expression that indicates nothing of her mood,
And when the two of them leaned against each other, clearly at ease and feeling blessed,


I thought to myself that I wanted a love story just like that,

That I wanted to be old with an old man who'd put his feeble arm around me when we took photos,
And that he'd place all his strength into smiling for it even though it leaves him feeling drained right after,
And we'd have so, so many mundane debates with relatives over triviality,
Have a tv on that no one really watches,

And just have a warmly lit birthday celebration every year.

I know you've heard this one before, but I just love it so much.

Lone star

I've got sooo much to tell you.


When a bachelor finds himself a wife, and it's through an online dating app and a different country,
Relatives swarm over with unanswered questions, a load of curiosity, and a whole sackful of worry.
Afterall, he is the youngest sibling that they'll always feel somewhat protective over, over forty or not.
Part of me feels like it'll always be this way;
They will have tiffs, and a few of them wouldn't be good people, but my dad in particular will always have a crease in his brow and a few frizzed up curls in his head when it comes to his brother.
He's a clumsy man, bad at expression and with a bad temper, but he's good at his core- loving, kind, and compassionate.
(And, ha. Am I the only one who enjoys dad jokes? I just wish he wouldn't repeat them so; we gotta have a little variety for the table there.)

Either way, Chinese New year will be pretty special this year, what with everyone helping out since granny has only just been discharged, and a new addition to the family.
I've seen her, and, well,
Her eyes sparkle with intelligence, a high EQ, a quick mind and a somewhat complicated past. Her voice however, is mild and sweet, gentle like waves in the ocean. What an interesting combination, wouldn't you agree?:)
But only time will prove whether or not she's truly good for my kind and simple uncle.

The family is gossipy this way, and here my elder brother loves to stroke his imaginary beard and pretend like he's got thaaaat much skill in reading people by contributing whatever cynical comment he can to the conversation.
(Pft, I'm sure I'm not just as arrogant and young as he is.)

Anyways all that guy does is flex in the mirror, so that's that.
We've no interest in that guy, have we?


Mooving on.

Aside from that, I've been going shopping.
As a treat for all the chem, math, lit research and rereading of texts, consultations and messaging my math lecturer,
I figured I deserved to get some things for myself.
I'd ended up with crop tops, rings, a button down skirt, and anklets.
All of it was off clearance,
And damn, it feels good to switch up your style without spending a fortune.

What's this, a new-year-new-me makeover?
I have no idea why, but this year I'm a lot more comfortable with wearing trendy (and yes, boring) clothes, and showing more skin.
All those stuffs that I got I'd never have tried in the past, but recently it occurred to me that if I wanted something, I should go for it and not be afraid of whether it 'suits me' or not.
I'm young, so if not now, then when, right?  I wouldn't ever want to regret not having dressed up while I could.
I wanted to look different, I wanted to dress really well,
Be daring and non-hesitant when it comes to that,
And I wanted to feel good in whatever I chose to put on.


And do you know something?


I've just been loving this change.


Apart from that, the seating arrangements in lit were changed, and two out of the three new humans are the type to debate with you over whether or not the curtains are blue because it symbolizes depression, or if it's simply blue for the sake of being blue.

It's hilarious,
They have the passion, the skill, and the attitude, and that's precisely why I have already collaborated with one of them for one of our texts.
Outside of that, I'm working with another classmate for another text,

And it is my plan to discuss and work with as many people as required to do the best I can at this subject.

Perhaps it's because of that, or the constant sleepless nights from a certain anxiety,
But I ended up seeing a doctor anyway after that cranky post from last week,
And rested at home for two days,
Lethargic, with a burning forehead and a wet nose.
I had to make up for it right after, but that was to be expected and I've still got a couple more things to be catching up on, so that's that.

I've also finally begun the long-awaited volunteering at a library, whereby I do storytelling for kids.

That's for another day I suppose,
Since now I've gotta go for my lecture.

Has it only been three weeks of school?
I assure you,
it sure doesn't feel anything like it.

If there were complaints to be made,
it would be that I am exhausted,

And my mind's filled with the sessions at cca whereby I helped out with the trials,
And the experience I got from interacting with those kids at the library,
And the happiness from finally finding someone to discuss lit with,
And math equations, quotes, storylines, and chemistry equations,
And that one little star I saw at night
That twinkled with all its might.
And it'd shone so bright,
That looking at it my backpack really did feel a little lighter.


Regardless, 
I've been having a lot of fun.

And I'm loving this,
I'm loving this hectic and purposeful life.

oh, get over it.

I probably should have stayed home today.

Having gone to school with fevers before, and having taken tests despite it,
I thought that today would be one of those days.

It wasn't that the fever was terribly high, because I've been through worse before.
But it has always occurred to me that the worst part about being sick is not the illness, but the crankiness that comes with it.
You are way more sensitive to noise,
Children screaming on the bus reverberates throughout your brain
Someone's generic game and the constant, repetitive twinkly congratulation sound effects,
The constant coldness that creeps onto your forehead
and the contrasting heat around your neck,
The strange sweat that follows after,
And the repeat of the cycle.
The dizziness, the slight loss of focus.
The headache that's like a stubborn tenant,
One that makes you feel like your brain's getting knocked
against the inside of your skull when you
Sneeze,

And, well, I got a little emotional.


I know it isn't a good thing to attend school despite sickness,
But hey
I ain't that noble to want to contain my illness unless it's something like hand foot mouth disease or the pox.

I can't miss lessons, lectures in particular.
And do you know how expensive an MC is?
And that's why
I am not gonna miss school tomorrow.

There is a math lecture and tutorial after all,
And seriously-
I'd die a horrible death if those were missed;
Those chapters are taught at the speed of a unicorn in a spaceship zooming past you.


It's not right to do this,
It isn't but I'm gonna do it anyway because I'm not that selfless.


Aaaaand now I'm upset because I can't change the font of these words for some reason,
And I've forgotten the link for math, which means that I can't do the revision package.




Why hellooo, crankiness.

Jelly for a fish :>

PE lessons are finally back, which means that there's gonna be loads of running from now on.

Truth be told, my stamina is in an extreeemely sorry state right now.
The run today proved that, much to the pride of my jelly lifestyle.. but at least it hadn't been overly strenuous.

Having once been in track and field,
I miiight just get murdered by my trainer if he ever sees me the way I am now.
After all, throughout the holidays the only weights I've been lifting are my books.
That, and writing tons of words and numbers.

It's pretty pathetic, but I've been a potato for so long
It's gonna take some conditioning to get me to a healthy and fit state again.

Oh.. well. All I need to do is attend PE lessons and push myself a little here and there; it ain't a problem getting to where I want after that.
That, I've got confidence in.

I want you to realize how beautiful you are.

^You will most probably die of cuteness from this anime. 😁

	I want you to realize this right now. I want you to understand. I want you to realize this right now. I want you to realize that you're beautiful.
	Because you are truly very beautiful, I want to help you realize your beauty, which, forever and ever, will not vanish. If you became aware of your own beauty, then I will be extremely happy. As I have feelings for you, please realize that you're beautiful.
	You are beautiful. Beautiful forever. You are beautiful.
	Because you are truly very beautiful,

Antique print.

Couple of visits later, and I'm glad that this has been done, obligatory or not.
She'll be discharged tomorrow, and all's well ends well. :>
After all, I wasn't forced. No one should be,
And on a more self-interested level this is pretty much done because it feels right, and feels muuuch better to do.

If you go into the psychological aspect of it, I'm really just doing this for the sake of myself, so there you go. :<
The thought of not doing something I should always bugs me,
And it just feels wrong and terrible.

On the other hand, it really does make my parents happy, so there isn't anything to complain about, y'know?
It's a win-win situation, and I'm happy it lights their eyes up.

I'm just wondering if it's all too late to be doing the right thing here.


.
Part of being older means that your parents no longer talk down to you.
I say 'talk down to', but it really isn't anything too negative. Rather, it signifies how babied we are from a young age, and how things are kept from us/ simplified because it was assumed that we wouldn't understand.
Now however, they tell you things.
They're no longer vague concepts of being a 'mom' or a 'dad', but individuals that have troubles and emotions like the rest of us. They are flawed, and obviously it's not simply due to the rules they implement or the restrictions that they place on you.
I mean humans, and we weren't ever shown that; not when we were still kids.
(Or perhaps we were but I was too busy talking to walls to notice)

Ah, yes. I used to tell walls -literally do so- things I couldn't fit into a conversation, or things I loved saying but had already been told once and so couldn't be repeated, from my point of view.
Ummmmmmm...
That's.. normal...right? Rightt?!



Yeah, I started young didn't I.
=_=


It makes me feel a little nostalgia for when all I blabbered about was school and food and weird things, and didn't know how to listen or observe. I probably didn't make sense, and I kept falling for the same old bad friends and helping out the wrong people.
Yet they'd listened, and advised, and while I'm not arrogant enough to say that the roles have reversed, (and they probably never will for my lack of experience), I am now listening, too.


It's all so different, and... nice.
I didn't know about the events that occurred to my other relatives, or the stuffs they did;
To me, they have always been distant figures that I wasn't interested in.
There is this one cousin who loves to spend money and who only ever talks to me about that,
One who asks me for relationship advice,
One who I want to be spending time with because that'd be a good and nice thing to do...

So then I've always been in a state of not knowing about my parents troubles in detail, or about their families and the stuffs that happened.
I thought that that one person was good because she'd given me candy, but of course that was a kid's perspective and it didn't help.
They don't talk about work, and they confide in each other instead of us.

It's strange,
when you are now, all of a sudden, trusted as a friend
And you seem to be regarded as a seventeen/eighteen year-old instead of some little girl who never grows up or as someone to be shielded always.


Oh well.
The economy is bad this year.

Times like this I don't actually say it out loud because it'd sound clumsy, cheesy,and bad,
But I just hope to be given a few more years.
A couple more,
And I'll get the degree I need, a job, and therefore an income to take over.

The longer, the better.
Just give me- us-
more time.


We're almost there.
.

My paternal granny is this intelligent, strong-willed and independent woman,
And I say this because of so so many things that she did and the pieces that I did gather from here and there.

When my dad speaks of her in such a matter-of-fact tone that's filled with subdued admiration, cares for her and does all these sweet gestures, and my mom does all these amazing things to be nice and good to people,
I look at them and I think, 'Whoa, I could never be that good'.

And don't we all just feel that so intensely whenever our parents (or someone we look up to) partake in actions that wow us over and over again?
Don't we all just sit and stare in wonder, at the kind of goodness spilling out of them and think, that we wouldn't ever attain that level?

But it makes you want to get there,
And while they're all holding onto some old-fashioned beliefs which you can't agree with,
They're still inherently filled with warmth that overflows wherever they go,
And whatever they do.


Ahhh.. and this is why I hold back on my writing because it does get rather cheesy and unfiltered.

Run the marathon, and run it well.

Sometimes I have loads of emotions and thoughts piled up, but something prevents me from sharing them, and it makes it all cluttered up in my brain.

This year, I have surprisingly let the significance of it go.
There wasn't really any reflective chunk up here,
Whereby I evaluated the year and thought up of improvements in the following one.


I think, that it's due to how overwhelming it all is.
Three days of school, and we've had a test and I'm desperately trying to start new study habits, complete revision for the previous year and be on task when it comes to schoolwork this year. Then there is sleep, and the physical exhaustion that keeps me from doing anything else apart from being efficient whilst awake and a good friend of the Z-Monster and my bed.
Then, well,
People do shit to you sometimes, and it's both revealing and shocking how they can sleep well despite doing all that, y'know? It's like you believe in feeling guilt for many things and trying to rectify mistakes, but they do it so nonchalantly and effortlessly, as though bringing misery to others for the sake of jealousy or their own well-being is the most primitive and natural thing to do. (And in some sense, it is.)
I don't want accumulated feelings in me any longer, since it's always the repeated pattern of disregarding the effect of something on me, then letting it build up subconsciously before it decides to run rampant and slap in me in the face one morning.

"Whenever you're feeling down about that, turn to something else. Read something; expand your knowledge. Do something that makes you happy. Place your attention on things that enrich your mind and heart because it's not worth it for people like that, and the world is full of them."
Loosely translated, that's pretty much what mom said,
And, well,

I couldn't have phrased it better myself.

Like I said, I've got goals and dreams. There is a vague plan and a fuzzy sense of where I'm headed, and I'm not gonna let these people bring me down. After all, they will excel whilst trampling upon all those who choose to treat them well, and they will not feel an inkling of guilt for it.

So of course I'm gonna invest all my time and energy into that, starting from now. Heck, I have already begun over a month ago. But the real race starts now, and I'm determined to do all of this for myself. Just, myself.

We have till end of March to complete most of what I have in mind. In the meantime, we gotta be stepping in time to the rhythm of school life, too. By the beginning of June, it should be a complete coverage of material and a start to pure revision for the As.

Alrightee.
One last thing,

I am both alone in class, and on warmer terms with my classmates.
While that sounds contradictory it is actually true, and it really is just the gap of having lost that one friend you've had for two years, sharing meals and conversations together with you.
She really isn't worth it tho; She's latched onto the bish and started following her around- Hah, and I bet she's forgotten all she's said and done to me because she was 'stressed at the time'.
People who victimise themselves like that and say that I've 'misunderstood' them are probably the dirtiest kind of trash: At least when cardboard villains kill people, they admit it.

Although I've befriended some people, I am still.. alone.
I think you of all people would understand what I'm talking about,
Because people have friends and a routine with those friends,
And I am the type to talk only when it interests me, and eat alone,
And not want to spend too much time socialising because that's a really inefficient and wasteful way of spending your time.
The one person I can converse with is friends with the bish,
(Who still does those passive aggressive things to me, btw. But it won't matter anymore, because this one year is the fight for the stepping stone to our lives, and that alone is way more important than someone who seeks out soiled notes and thrusts them to you- Specially for the reason that they hate you.)
And I am just not interested in getting implicated again.

Friendship is a casual thing nowadays,
I gotta remember that.

On my own I can pick and choose one or two to keep and treasure,
But most of them are mere acquaintances that are part of the little trinkets that dangle by a bus station's leaking roof,
And I really gotta stop taking everyone so seriously.

.
Side note, I was given one of the worst jobs in class-
A cleanliness rep who has to remind people to do their duties, who gets resented and naggy without the intention to, and who gets absolutely zero merit from the job.
Trust me, I know because I've been a chairperson (which is ten times worse).
It'd been from a random number generator,
And aha, guess you could call it good luck and a great start to the year, huh?

Either way there is always a reason to the way things work out;
For once I will remind myself not to be responsible
To be half-hearted about my job and to do it only to keep up appearances
Because I've got an important mountain in my life to get over.
And though it sounds like I'm blowing my own trumpet,

It is actually, painfully, true.
I am my own source of troubles,
And the solution to that is to stop caring so much.



.
I will only care
About the things that truly matter.

And there's no way you're distracting me,
Not with the futility and ugliness in life,
Not again.