Sometimes I have loads of emotions and thoughts piled up, but something prevents me from sharing them, and it makes it all cluttered up in my brain.
This year, I have surprisingly let the significance of it go.
There wasn't really any reflective chunk up here,
Whereby I evaluated the year and thought up of improvements in the following one.
I think, that it's due to how overwhelming it all is.
Three days of school, and we've had a test and I'm desperately trying to start new study habits, complete revision for the previous year and be on task when it comes to schoolwork this year. Then there is sleep, and the physical exhaustion that keeps me from doing anything else apart from being efficient whilst awake and a good friend of the Z-Monster and my bed.
Then, well,
People do shit to you sometimes, and it's both revealing and shocking how they can sleep well despite doing all that, y'know? It's like you believe in feeling guilt for many things and trying to rectify mistakes, but they do it so nonchalantly and effortlessly, as though bringing misery to others for the sake of jealousy or their own well-being is the most primitive and natural thing to do. (And in some sense, it is.)
I don't want accumulated feelings in me any longer, since it's always the repeated pattern of disregarding the effect of something on me, then letting it build up subconsciously before it decides to run rampant and slap in me in the face one morning.
"Whenever you're feeling down about that, turn to something else. Read something; expand your knowledge. Do something that makes you happy. Place your attention on things that enrich your mind and heart because it's not worth it for people like that, and the world is full of them."
Loosely translated, that's pretty much what mom said,
And, well,
I couldn't have phrased it better myself.
Like I said, I've got goals and dreams. There is a vague plan and a fuzzy sense of where I'm headed, and I'm not gonna let these people bring me down. After all, they will excel whilst trampling upon all those who choose to treat them well, and they will not feel an inkling of guilt for it.
So of course I'm gonna invest all my time and energy into that, starting from now. Heck, I have already begun over a month ago. But the real race starts now, and I'm determined to do all of this for myself. Just, myself.
We have till end of March to complete most of what I have in mind. In the meantime, we gotta be stepping in time to the rhythm of school life, too. By the beginning of June, it should be a complete coverage of material and a start to pure revision for the As.
Alrightee.
One last thing,
I am both alone in class, and on warmer terms with my classmates.
While that sounds contradictory it is actually true, and it really is just the gap of having lost that one friend you've had for two years, sharing meals and conversations together with you.
She really isn't worth it tho; She's latched onto the bish and started following her around- Hah, and I bet she's forgotten all she's said and done to me because she was 'stressed at the time'.
People who victimise themselves like that and say that I've 'misunderstood' them are probably the dirtiest kind of trash: At least when cardboard villains kill people, they admit it.
Although I've befriended some people, I am still.. alone.
I think you of all people would understand what I'm talking about,
Because people have friends and a routine with those friends,
And I am the type to talk only when it interests me, and eat alone,
And not want to spend too much time socialising because that's a really inefficient and wasteful way of spending your time.
The one person I can converse with is friends with the bish,
(Who still does those passive aggressive things to me, btw. But it won't matter anymore, because this one year is the fight for the stepping stone to our lives, and that alone is way more important than someone who seeks out soiled notes and thrusts them to you- Specially for the reason that they hate you.)
And I am just not interested in getting implicated again.
Friendship is a casual thing nowadays,
I gotta remember that.
On my own I can pick and choose one or two to keep and treasure,
But most of them are mere acquaintances that are part of the little trinkets that dangle by a bus station's leaking roof,
And I really gotta stop taking everyone so seriously.
.
Side note, I was given one of the worst jobs in class-
A cleanliness rep who has to remind people to do their duties, who gets resented and naggy without the intention to, and who gets absolutely zero merit from the job.
Trust me, I know because I've been a chairperson (which is ten times worse).
It'd been from a random number generator,
And aha, guess you could call it good luck and a great start to the year, huh?
Either way there is always a reason to the way things work out;
For once I will remind myself not to be responsible
To be half-hearted about my job and to do it only to keep up appearances
Because I've got an important mountain in my life to get over.
And though it sounds like I'm blowing my own trumpet,
It is actually, painfully, true.
I am my own source of troubles,
And the solution to that is to stop caring so much.
.
I will only care
About the things that truly matter.
And there's no way you're distracting me,
Not with the futility and ugliness in life,
Not again.
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