Bent knees; Free fall.

Fear can be consuming,
And I suppose it just takes a little direction
Because some falls can feel like
a little tumble off a baby cliff.

From now on
Moving on from this string of panic attacks will be the key;

I can't afford the 'some days' where
The whirlwind of our thoughts have the function of a loop,
Which is why

On a final note
I leave you this awkwardly pieced word-block,
Formed for the purpose of leaving with you all these songs,
To send you my emotions in a parcel,

Because few care enough to open them in real life,
And it doesn't matter anyway-


It just really helps that I'm able to share through this channel of mine,
that I have been productive this weekend,

And that I've just allowed myself to sleep for twelve hours straight,
And encircle my mind with tracks that are like journeys themselves.

What a pity party.

I'm in a really secluded and dark corner of my life right now.

It's upsetting, it's exhausting,
And I know I just gotta manhandle my brain and my efforts,
Exploit the resources at school and
Fuel my way through this.


The thing is I want to be positive up here;
I know that you're looking for an interesting/uplifting piece of writing,
But I just can't produce that right now.

There's literally no humans aside from mum whom I can talk about such things with,
And there are limits to the emotional dependence you can have on one person.

I am really sad...

I failed most of my subjects even though there were improvements in the previous term,
And now there's three months to As and I feel like
I'm back to square one,

I can't do this,
And I gotta retake it next year.


I'm trying really hard
But it's not working
It's not working,



And tears flowed out of me because there's a faucet in there that's faulty and needs tuning,
And everything (the usual sit-alone-lunches, the usual things that the bitch does to you to make your life harder- not that it works- , the usual I've-done-so-much-but what the hell, it ain't working.)


The noise,
The fact that people can be yelling beneath the block at all times;
Hammers and drills are part of the routine because
This world never runs out of things to build, or reconstruct,
Bro blasts music and they speak in such loud voices,
Tonight, where I finally tried out tuition for once
And that guy overcharged us, was unclear and impatient in his explanations,
And laughed at me constantly for an hour straight for not being able to do math.
I'm having diarrhoea as often as forgotten lunches, my period is late and painful
And I'm angry at a lot of things, mostly myself.

Everything,

Gets to you when you're stressed
Even though under normal circumstances
Those same things wouldn't have the power to rip you apart,
You can struggle at math for an entire day straight and still emerge with your mood intact,
And you can eat alone and fill your mind with interesting arguments or a good song.


I just..
Want to say that the exams haven't been a kindly period,
But then again
They never are.


It's just that this one time it doesn't feel like optimism,
This one time I can't go 'Aw, that's too bad; But I still got this- all it takes is more effort.'

Haaaaaaaaahhhhh~

Breathe.

I still..
I still got this.

I wanted to cry; but it's such a waste of time.

You ever just stop,
And have that moment where you're consumed by a singular thought:

I can't do this shit.


I can't-
can't-


And for once,
Not completing your sentence isn't the latest trend of speech;
It's because you really don't feel like finishing a sentence, a phrase, an expression of all that's so frustrating.



.
Alright now,
You're eighteen.

This is part of life;
It's a rite of passage that everyone deals with.

There has been an improvement,
Though albeit too slow and
Too

Little.

But you're not,
Little.

You Can, and you will.


And in the past few days you may have cursed more within your mind than you ever did before,

But you're not screwed.

Not yet,
Not until you give up.

(Oh look,

Another
Failed.
Grade.)


.
I'm not sleeping tonight.


I have two months before the final Prelims exams,

I have a month to finish as much practice questions as possible.


You're eighteen,
Now go do this shit.

I think I just need to take a chill pill.

I don't want it to be over yet.


I need a-
Give me a break, give me,

Ack,
Because I constantly feel like I have to be 'relaxing productively',
Jumping between the Singapore River and museums,
Flashy clothing and plugged in earphones,
A desire to connect and a cut-off aura from how good it feels to take things at your own pace,

A want, a need,
To feel like I've let off enough steam during these few days to-
Be able to function again,

Because exams have just ended and yet in a mere two days I have felt as though
I had to be studying again,
And to counter that I have in fact been
Going out to different places, mostly on my own,
Enjoying things like there's no tomorrow.


And now,
You wish to go to Universal Studios
(Alone, which sounds like real fun)
But there's the issue of money and how rushed it all is,
There's the issue of not truly being able to enjoy it because the thought of having splurged will nag at you at the back of your head,

And you think:
Do I want to be spending the last day of my holidays in such a drastic manner?
Do I want a simple movie and an order of pizza,
Or the trip to Gardens by the Bay (that place on the inside you have to pay for) which you've never been,
Or more museums,
Or the Science Centre,
Or this one place that you feel compelled to visit,

Or just stay,
In your little room because that's what you like best,
But it always feels, and felt like,
Wasted time.




There is little time
And it's not like you're dying after this, so what's the hurry


But you don't want it to end,
You don't want this to be over
Not like this,

Not when it feels like you could drown in school and its hostility,
The tear-ups that happen and the frustration at not being able to perform.


Give me a-

Give me a break.