What a pity party.

I'm in a really secluded and dark corner of my life right now.

It's upsetting, it's exhausting,
And I know I just gotta manhandle my brain and my efforts,
Exploit the resources at school and
Fuel my way through this.


The thing is I want to be positive up here;
I know that you're looking for an interesting/uplifting piece of writing,
But I just can't produce that right now.

There's literally no humans aside from mum whom I can talk about such things with,
And there are limits to the emotional dependence you can have on one person.

I am really sad...

I failed most of my subjects even though there were improvements in the previous term,
And now there's three months to As and I feel like
I'm back to square one,

I can't do this,
And I gotta retake it next year.


I'm trying really hard
But it's not working
It's not working,



And tears flowed out of me because there's a faucet in there that's faulty and needs tuning,
And everything (the usual sit-alone-lunches, the usual things that the bitch does to you to make your life harder- not that it works- , the usual I've-done-so-much-but what the hell, it ain't working.)


The noise,
The fact that people can be yelling beneath the block at all times;
Hammers and drills are part of the routine because
This world never runs out of things to build, or reconstruct,
Bro blasts music and they speak in such loud voices,
Tonight, where I finally tried out tuition for once
And that guy overcharged us, was unclear and impatient in his explanations,
And laughed at me constantly for an hour straight for not being able to do math.
I'm having diarrhoea as often as forgotten lunches, my period is late and painful
And I'm angry at a lot of things, mostly myself.

Everything,

Gets to you when you're stressed
Even though under normal circumstances
Those same things wouldn't have the power to rip you apart,
You can struggle at math for an entire day straight and still emerge with your mood intact,
And you can eat alone and fill your mind with interesting arguments or a good song.


I just..
Want to say that the exams haven't been a kindly period,
But then again
They never are.


It's just that this one time it doesn't feel like optimism,
This one time I can't go 'Aw, that's too bad; But I still got this- all it takes is more effort.'

Haaaaaaaaahhhhh~

Breathe.

I still..
I still got this.