Care

Care and concern
Are not to be confused with kindness.

Kindness is a dirty wish to purify oneself,
That is pretty but tainted,
That is jaded and impure.

Care and concern stems from love.
Love developed over time
Love for a perfectly imperfect individual
Love, so unconditional it's almost perverted

It's pure,
Mixed up,
Complex,
But heart warming.

Care for someone can come in different forms.
Kindness.
Worry.
Love.

Regardless,
Care is almost always warped into the common concept of 'kindness'.
The truth
The answer

One will only know through feeling.
One will only know through internal monologues.
Through the ticking clock, ancient and young,
Watching, one will know.

For the brain will tell.

The heart will sing.



And you wonder
Is it care or kindness that you give out so easily
Is it care unrealized, or kindness packaged under the pretty label of 'care' ?

Does the other human know?
Are you confusing others as well as yourself?

Or does it not matter at all, to them?
Because
It matters so much to you...?

Kindness

90% of our daily thoughts comprises of
Me, myself, and I.

10% is dedicated to empathy.

When one shows kindness,
Is it pure?
Is it true?
Is it... Real?

Of course it is real.
It isn't fake.
It's just impure.
It's just not as true as we delude ourselves into thinking.

Kindness
For self gratification
For building self esteem
For having a better self image
For beliefs that you believe will make you a better person.

A person you want to be,
A person you will love being.

Kindness
For better relations
For lasting friendships
For a smile that makes you smile
For them?
Aha.

Think again.

It was always for you.
Just, you.

There's no need for sugar coating.
There's no need for delusions.
We are all too clear of it.

So why are we lying with a toothy grin?

.
.
Still, 'kindness' itself will forever have a positive connotation,
For the world is harsh without it.

As impure as it is,
As selfish as the motives are,
As ugly as the emotions behind it are,

Kindness will always be welcomed and loved.
For people will love it and hope to be loved for it.

For
That will make the world a better place regardless.

Stop picturing that scene... So indecent! xD

Fatigue.

Another beautiful day
From the cleaner you smile at walking up to you to ask if you're sick cuz you are sprawled on the canteen table like a dying pig
To the wonderful CCA session that somehow made you muster energy previously overshadowed by fatigue

From the explicit fan fiction your friend wrote that made you turn red like a tomato

Oops. I'm not supposed to breathe a word of this to anyone.
But this blog is pretty anonymous anyway


Wait.
Stop picturing that scene.
Stop!

I feel like I just read pornographic material.
Oh no.
Gah.

...
I suppose I just wrecked the tone of this post.
Pfft.
Hahahahahahahahaha xDD

Finally :)

Finally
Your friend finds happiness in her new class
Finally
People share her passion and interests
They do not judge
They do not exclude her
Finally
She has an admirer alike to a soul mate

You fangirl over the cuteness of this sweet, sweet couple to be

The pessimist in you tells you to warn her.
The pessimist tells you to watch out for her.
See if this guy is just playing around.
See if he will cause tears.

But you're in different classes and you of course cannot know.

Hey, pessimist.
Stop being so worried over your speculations and imagined scenarios.
Whatever happens, just make sure you are there for her.
Good and bad.
Sweet and sour.
Bland and tasty.

That's what being a friend means, after all.

Into the Woods

I still can't get over how Into the Woods wasn't just the typical fairytale movie.
It was... Amazing. The songs especially strikes something in you and you can't stop listening to it.

I died when this scene came on xD
^ Till this day I still don't understand why they ripped their shirts open.
Instant nosebleed, instant heart attack, instant chuckle.
Oh well. Blame the hormones... Hehehe
Ah...ahahahaha

Last midnight
^ Goosebumps. Much talent and definitely a strong scene.

"No of course, what really matters is the blame. Someone you can blame. Fine, if that's the thing you enjoy, placing the blame, if that's the aim, give me the blame."

"You're so nice. You're not good, you're not bad, you're just nice. I'm not good, I'm not nice. I'm just right. I'm the witch... You're the world!"

I honestly didn't expect this from a Disney movie. It just... Spoke so much of what is present in today's world.
Humans can be such followers at times. They stand by the sides and watch everything happen.
They don't want to be the bad guy, but they don't dare to be a hero either.
And all they ever do is judge the decisions of the witches and heroes, and discourage them despite being silently glad that someone is (stupid) daring enough to stand up for something.
Hypocritical followers.
And who's to say I'm not one of them?

Stay at home. I am home.
^ Love it.

"Don't you know what's out there in the woods? Someone has to shield you from the woods."
Mom... Thanks for shielding me. But I was still forced to see it all anyway. It was a great childhood though.

"Princes wait there in the wood it's true.... Princes, yes, but wolves, and humans too."

"Who out there, could love you more than I? What out there that I cannot supply?"
Mom, you will always be more than enough for me.
Home will always be my place of comfort and warmth.

"Stay with me the world is dark and wild. Stay a child while you can be a child."
I wasn't in a hurry to grow up.
But somehow it happened too quickly and the little girl was gone.

I'm not quite regretting it, since now I can see things more clearly.
Now I can understand mom as a person.
Now I see how things work in this world.
Now I am ready for the future.

And if you can forgive, and if you can forgive... Love will truly live.

"And if you can forgive... You can forgive... Love can truly live."

I am sorry. Hear my song, I know I sing the truth. Although we were bred to fight, I reach for kindness in your heart tonight.

Beautiful, beautiful song.
Beautiful, beautiful movie.
You are who you are. You gotta accept it for what it is, flaws and all.
Even... if it might scare those who try to come close.
Even if it might get you detested by many.
Even if it means you find yourself ugly.


This and Into the Woods are one of the best movies yet. :)

More sleep

Sleep takes up too much time.
It can be used for other things.

You feel your dizzy spells coming back.
You start to forget your tonic soups.
Your cramps are starting to get unbearable.
You ask weird questions.
"Are you scared of me?"
No he isn't, stupid.
You are acting like a girl on her period.
It was a tactless attempt at starting the discussion.
You stare at the script and nothing comes to mind.
Only on stage do you think up of a way to explain his idea and the performance.
And your inner critic grins. She says you were withholding this to 'shine' on stage.
It was a dramatic explanation. It wasn't even good.
You wonder why on days like these you never fail to make yourself feel worse with your internal monologues.
And the answer. The blame.
Sleep. Sleep more.
Perhaps then you will get over all of these. That you couldn't help him, that you're feeling unwell, that she isn't opening up, that he's acting different, that you may have unknowingly led (her) on, that there's quite a bit of things to be done.

It's all gonna be fine though. Just takes a little more sleep, time management, and time for it to all work out.
It's been a long day. Bad day, perhaps.
But it's all gonna be fine.

Sorry your dreams couldn't become a reality

"We don't have a choice."

"It's beyond me."

That's not right.

There's always a way. A solution. 

If you push through you will make it.

Or so I thought.

But he was really interested in joining us and I don't see why he shouldn't join us. 

Actually no. I do see why.

To appeal under Wushu, but to be interested in drama.

To look for him first thing in the morning with vice prez and confirm his passion.

To first text the vice prez, then talk to the teacher, then the HOD.

To be told by adults that this is a case of values.

Yes. Indeed. Values. 

You shouldn't promise the school something but have your heart in another.

You should at least stay on to year 4.

Its an either or.

Or so they say.

Isn't it understood that society is harsh? That your strength may not be your passion? That getting into a 'good' school is first priority, while dreams are a 'maybe'?
Why shouldn't you fight for someone like this? Why shouldn't you help when you could?
Why doesn't it work?
How can I understand but still be so upset?

To be brushed off like a dirty worm.

"But he has a passion and we shouldn't let go of someone like this. We should give him a chance. He can be in both CCAs; with his passion, he will make it. We shouldn't decide his future for him..."

And I couldn't continue because I saw it in your eyes that you would just repeat your points.

But I repeated myself anyway. 

Until the thoughts fell apart like crumbly stale bread

Until all I did was say "but..."

"But..."

There was so much to say. But no words came.

I hate that I'm so powerless. I hate that values are important, as well as the big picture of letting others have a chance. But looking at the individual's dreams and trying your best not to crush it is equally important too.

I hate that rushing into the auditorium and running after HODs didn't work.

I hate that even writing right now doesn't get half of what's inside out.

It's just a silly girl typing away at her iPad. 

Typing, typing. Not writing.

Incapable of thoughts,

She types.

Family.

Family
Grandpa injured
Mom shedding silent tears as she talks
Aunt nags but you feel the worry
Grandpa looks at the ground
And you sense his frustration at old age,
At how difficult and dangerous mundane tasks have become
You see how uncle, aunt, and mum's constant reminders
Is heartwarming for him, but also pains him
You don't dare to express concern
The intentions are good but it can be insensitive.
Other than venting your own feelings from seeing your loved ones this way,
You are doing nothing but harm.

You get up to pour out drinks
Wash the cups
As if that would make things better
You laugh at uncle's jokes
Feel the atmosphere getting lighter
As conversation changes and shifts to other topics
But it pains your mum to see her dad this way
And you feel it.
Tears form but you will it back down.
Emotional. Too emotional.
Remain sensitive to your mum's emotions,
That's what you can do. That's what you should do.
Nothing major, devil smirks.
Overreacting.
But grandpa's pain and the warmth I see here---no, all the time, but especially so at this time---is both heart wrenching and heartwarming.

Family.
Ah, family. :')

A lil/lot about me...

I just really really love it when people understand the thoughts behind my actions, and appreciate it for what it is. Cuz trust me, most (most. I repeat, most) of my actions are thought through and so is the lack thereof.

Conversely, it breaks my heart when they mold and stretch the intentions I had into something ugly. I don't explain much, nor do I do it very well. 

I space out. I daydream. A lot. And sometimes I say things that make no sense, simply cause my brain has disconnected from my mouth and what appears in my head is different from what I'm communicating. When this happens, just understand what I'm trying to say/do and (hopefully, fingers crossed) you don't find it weird/stupid.

I really like it when people open up to me about their problems, or their values system.

Small talk is something I dislike but try really hard to do.

That's why, getting to know you personally is something really important to me. It's not mere socializing.

Truthful and genuine relationships are what I crave and as weird as that makes me, I ask 'how's life' wanting that from you. But of course, I rarely get what I seek.

I don't really show what I'm feeling half the time, and as exhausting as it may be for you, I need you to understand that I find it better to be alone with my emotions. 

I like watching movies alone just so I can sob loudly and cackle like a witch without being afraid of showing what's me. (And cuz talking during movies annoys me. I paid $7 for this. I want it to be worth it.)

However, when I watch movies with you it's probably cause I want to spend time with you to show you that I care. Or, it's an attempt at being an average teenager. Or, I really like you and wanna know everything about you (and perhaps catch you tearing up).

When I remain silent, it doesn't always mean I'm upset. I'm probably just off in my little world, or too tired or comfortable to make an effort in small talk. Or... I'm overly nervous due to your presence and don't want to embarrass myself further like I already have.

Large gatherings ain't my thing and 'I'm not free' means... Well. It can be purely that or that I find it meaningless to go out with acquaintances. If I do go, it's either that you are all special to me, or it's yet another try at being normal.

Honestly speaking, there's one superficial thing I like a lot on guys, and no, it's not abs or good looks or the such. It's something everyone can get, if they wanted to.
(Erm, please don't call it a fetish. I hope it isn't.)

I love dancing to songs. But I don't look that great. How do I put it... I'm extremely, extremely graceful. :)

I may really want to compliment you for, say, your ________  since the very first day I started finding you attractive, but it takes rehearsals in front of the mirror and no action to get it done. 

I may really like your hair, but all I can do is smile at you and hope that telepathically you get my message. 

I may really want to ask you stuffs and continue the conversation you started, but nerves make me cut it all off with a stupid lie and awkward grin... And hope for another chance. 

Oh, did I mention that I will be rehearsing in the shower the possible questions I could have asked, and the possible answers you could have given?

Sorry, I'm weird like that.

Love this song

Talent in a nutshell ^~^

Some people say I have a nice voice when I sing.
Others cringe and force a smile.
But this, this right here is talenttt:D
Can't stop listening to it
-hearts and flowers-
-pop- -pop- xDD

Perfectly alright

You told us today about you liking girls and guys

I admire your honesty, I really do

It's amazing how easily you trust people,

And that's a trait many people lack nowadays.

So yes, it's perfectly fine

It's sweet and cute just like any other person crushing on another

And I totally ship the two of you xD

I'm glad for the absence of walls between us

I'm glad for the straightforwardness of your words

I'm glad for making a friend like you

You and the other two friends I made are so unique, so real, that even without the heart-to-heart conversations I require for a feeling of connection, it feels like we are close enough to talk just about anything. :)

That is something really precious,

And words cannot explain how I feel about u guys.

Thank you :D

It can be felt.

How you guys are making the conscientious effort to make me feel welcomed, and that's... That's really sweet of you.

I know I said out loud how I felt, but truth be told I wasn't looking for guilt or awareness or any change to take place. It was just a simple wish of wanting to be honest and open, to be truthful and to rip the paper walls down myself.

I honestly thought it would just make us more distant, and more awkward around each other.

The smiles. Words. Actions.

You guys are just the sweetest bunch ever.

I joined with the desire for a place to belong in. Somewhere where I can do what I like---acting---make friends, build camaraderie, have fun, and generally be like a normal teenager.

I thought I would never achieve it. But perhaps, this is one step closer. 

Perhaps, we are all inching toward a warm, close-knitted space where we can all be who we are and strive toward the ideal self and future.

Really, I'm not too good at socializing and holding conversations... And writing is the one thing I communicate best in. None of you know of my blog, which is why I'm so open here in the first case. So yeah. Let's continue with my monologue/autistic writing/lengthy letter.

Thanks, Benjy, for letting me win today :p

(that was real nice and gentlemanly of you) (and I feel kinda bad) 

(you've just been such a nice person from the first day I joined...and I should do something for you!) (But would it be creepy if I made you a plushie? Actually yes, huh...) 

Thanks, Yr 4s, for trying so much to involve me 

(it's really alright though, if you guys still find it awkward around me. Some of you look like you are contemplating real hard about whether or not you should smile at me or say 'hi' xD And that's very amusing hahaha)

Thanks, Mr An, for being such a fun and nice instructor

(you make CCA such an enjoyable experience and it's not stressful at all)
(long sessions make me so happy)

Thanks, expensive lights, for not breaking when I was graceful enough to hit you with Mr An's bottle 

(and yes I have abnormal reactions... The lights should have been my priority, not the bottle) 

Thanks, Valerie, for giving me a hug today when I gave you the plushie I tried so hard to make

(it's not pretty though >_< )

Although... You were going for a full hug and me, a side hug... And we ended up in this weird looking and feeling embrace.

(I'm sorry, I'm not good with physical contact) (I'm working on it!)

And I shall state my not so secret desire for you guys to see this 

But then again I don't really want you to...

Ahh. Oh well.

Great day

This is one of those days whereby morning and night feels like two different days, and when you finally lug yourself back home, you pretty much collapse and melt into a puddle of jelly.

My heart is swelling with happiness

I love how circumstances made me the CCA trial helper, and how that enabled me to do many jobs, running everywhere, helping wherever I can. 

I love how I could help a year one who was lost. She was nervous and fidgety, but I tried my best and I really hope it warmed something inside her. I hope she passes this gesture down to whoever needs it in the future. That would be amazing.

I love how my little gesture of buying a warm drink helped make a fellow friend feel better. I hope it made his day :)

It's been a long looooong day.

But I'm satisfied and ready for tomorrow, and all that's yet to come.

Can't stop this fluttery feeling in my chest.

Can't stop, won't stop believing in doing good whenever possible.

It's been a great, great, greeaaat day. :D 

Weekend

Stuffs to do

Tests coming up

Homework to do

Revision and preparation

Movies to watch

Fan to be cleaned
Shoes to be washed
Uniforms to be washed and ironed

Friend's upset

A card.

Gift. Something nice. Something I put effort into.

I want her to know she's not alone.

Time.

Should invest in sleep tonight.

Wake early. Be efficient.

Cut on leg is healed.

Yay.

Weekend

Comforting smell of coffee wafting through the house

Butter cookies 

Gentle rays of sunlight filtering through the windows.

Mmm.

Circle time :)

Circle time today :)
It's not very apparent, but I lock a lot inside.
To have to share something
I wanted to give one of those neutral opinions again
But no
A wave of composure came over me
And I told you guys how I felt when I first joined, and how I feel now

It's heartwarming to know that while I didn't mean it that way, none of you took it that way.
None took offense, they just listened.

Thank you, really.
Thank you so much for listening and believing me when I say what I say.
Because I try to be really honest when I share.
And to be doubted or have my words taken to offense is my ultimate nightmare.

Taking your anger out on me
Shouting about the trivial issues
My silence is taken as defiance

Ignorant about the cause
Silent about the thoughts
Looking at the ground

How do I react?
What would be the best reaction?

I'm sorry; I'm tactless.
I did what I knew: Silence for comforting. Silence for calming. Silence for you.

Perhaps, that was the wrong reaction and I should have done something else...?

24/7 thoughts

Desires I shouldn't have

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=J_nxU5rwr3w

Dreamt of you the other day
Sat beside you
Doing nothing
Made me awaken
Grin plastered

"Indecent"
Feels like a secret fantasy
Feels like a dirty wish
Granny in me
I think it indecent
That he would be the first and last thing on my mind
Didn't dare to share
This sweet, sweet dream
Shared a nightmare instead

Oh
But I do want to dream it again
Sitting beside you
Not doing anything

Rare.
But I shall look forward to sleep.

Revenge of the crabs

Went to the wet market with mom and we got crabs. :D

With that in my belly, I gotta say that my life (tummy) is now complete 

There's a cut on my leg from carrying the lil crabbies though...

Welp.

Guess they were upset to be dead and had to draw blood to be resurrected.

Ha. Too bad for you, crabbies. 

First day

I have no idea who's gonna be in my class.

It feels strange, unfamiliar yet familiar; like I did when I first came to RV.

The unknown sends shivers down your spine,

But excitement sends adrenaline coursing through your veins

And you grin.

Brand new year, brand new world.

It's gonna be fine. Its gonna be alright. 

It's gonna be awesome.

Don't worry.

2015

Came back from volunteering at the Boon Lay countdown 2015 and my little heart is bursting with happiness.
My head though is bursting with throbbing headaches.
Ugh. Gotta go sleep soon.
Or I might die.

.

2013 was bad. 2014 was good.

I want 2015 to be great.

So here you go. New year's resolutions, some repeated, some new.

1. Be a good daughter

2. Be kind

3. Always consider things from people's point of view

4. Don't be too nice

5. Don't be too understanding

6. Remember that you are human too
7. Remember to get angry; do not be stepped upon

8. I just realised 4-7 mean the same thing

9. Don't get so nervous and turn so stupid when he's around

10. Volunteer

11. Enjoy whatever you do

12. Make small talk 

13. Listen. Don't always advice.

14. Be good at Math

15. Believe that things are simple

16. Be confident

17. Drink more water

18. Stop living on cold drinks; it will kill you. Soon.

19. Try my best to regulate my periods--- tonic soups and pills idk

20. Treat yourself well

21. Stop skipping meals just cuz you are too busy or lazy

22. Swim weekly

23. Stop being so gullible

24. Know that puberty happened and you should stop thinking 'nah impossible'

25. Always look at the bright side of things

26. Cry when you need to

27. Try not to be so awkward about physical contact

28. Improve your sense of direction for god's sake

29. Socialize more. You ain't no hermit.

30. Sleep more
31. Be happy (I can hear the OCD peeps yelling behind their screens)

I think I fulfilled a lot of these in 2014. Which is why 2015 is so exciting---it's gonna be another exciting journey through life, trying to find the person I wanna become. 

The forked roads have finally merged into a less foggy future, one I believe will be great.

Goodbye 2014, hello 2015!!