Novice.

I feel like I will fall for someone not meant for me.

Someone so charming that most people will love,
That wouldn't notice me,
Who if returned my feelings in full if not more

Will not be someone I can get along with.

I feel like if you're not emotional, an over-thinker, or a perfectionist,
I will not fall for you.

And since we'll be so similar in that we're difficult people in general,

It wouldn't work out.

Oh, no

It's not worry or fear I'm addressing here.

It's, Excitement.

Excitement and fear, really.
So I am contradicting myself.
Like always.

But is it not fear which makes things exciting?


It's the trembling excitement at the unknown.

It's the adrenaline and knowing

It's the fact that it'll be something so intense it will break me
It's the thing whereby it wouldn't be as dramatic or suspenseful as dramas make it out to be, but it will not be compatible. It will be eccentric, erratic, and constant in the way that it constantly changes.

That emotional side of you will rub me in all the wrong ways.
That temper of mine
That silence of mine
Will drive you away from me,

Perhaps alike to how it pulls you in in the first place.

Your sensitivity
Your observance and keen eye for details

Your spontaneity

Will perhaps drive me away, too.


We all have our own worth.

I'm not one to fear 'never finding someone out there'.

I am, however, afraid that you, an unknown light as of now,
Will become a shadow of my life;

Cast so strong it's impossible to shake off.

That, I fear.

That, I anticipate and know.

That, I want to feel and experience.

How do I know, you say?

I just.. Feel it.

Hopeful that it wouldn't be true in the sense that life revels in its power of making things change and everything 'unknown' and 'unplanned for', I too am interested in knowing exactly how it feels like to have this genre of emotions.

Don't be afraid of my assumed jealousy, because I wouldn't ever stick with someone for the sake of it. Not unless it is a Someone. Therefore, jealousy does not exist.

Yummy.

Three cheers for taking yourself seriously while acting.

I couldn't quite get over it the first minute or so,
But it really is commendable that he acts with his imagination and discipline.

It has always been something I admired--- Acting with something, a prop, a human, a monster, anything at all- that isn't physically there, and being so into it while you do so.

What a thick and creamy voice.

What a catchy song.

Mmm... :>

Do you live to eat, or do you eat to live?

Laksa for the third time in your life and in one week,
And you've discovered a regret of a lifetime: Not having tried it at least once in the past.
Sure, you tear up slightly when having it, look like you're torturing yourself, and require more compulsive eating-
Uh
I meant 'practice'
-To be able to try out more stuffs like these in the future,
But it's so flippin good it's worth the pain(pleasure). //(reference here... Oh nvm. Please ignore that :p)


Dats right, I love me my food, avid fan (coward) of spicy food or not.

A happy belly means a happy me

And I'll worry about calories when the BMI exceeds the range.

Until then...
*pats heaving belly*

..heheh.

I didn't know I would grow to love it this much.

Got a cork board full of wishes from juniors, a hand weaved bracelet with colors unique to each individual, and a handwritten card.

Pizza and Oreos
Pictures and chuckles
Hugs and awkwardness

I feel like I belong... Belonged, and still will.

I feel like my 'emo'ness as one of you call it is accepted,
And you people think of me as part of you.

I feel so special.

I feel so happy.


My fears have not come true;
The greatest one seems absolutely impossibru now

Instead, so much good has happened
I finally belong somewhere-
I finally have juniors and something fun to look forward to each week-

And I can't stop smiling. :>

I know, I'll disagree. If you aren't okay with that, things will end.

You have your good.

You have your flaws.

You are another human, one I wish to connect with.

You have finally opened up to me for once, and you are the type to continue doing so without performing door slams whimsically and without warning.

I don't agree with some of your thoughts, and I could voice it

But something tells me that disagreeing with you is what will stop all these.

I'm not afraid.

It's just that I really want to make friendships last,

And I really try to enjoy our conversations.

But I don't.

Perhaps I am not good natured enough,

Or forgiving enough,

Or loving enough 

To enjoy and be genuinely interested in all the bits and pieces of your life that you so willingly share nowadays.

To want and need a day-to-day running conversation, much like sticky glue and gooey caramel, sweet and addictive.

To look forward to walking together and learning more about you.

I honestly would, if I feel it.

But I don't.

Listening to your problems makes me feel,

But something is lacking.

Something important in a friendship---Something that extends beyond a mutual exchange of problems and advice. 

Something like... Fun..?

Something like small talk, only more obnoxious and silly.

Something like simple, simple, simple time together.

I don't like the way you don't seem to appreciate my advice, even if it's what you yourself already know.

I don't like it when things feel forced, and I don't enjoy your company but I desperately try to.

I don't like you very much as a person...

But I really want to.

That would be ideal, right, good, better, wise, nice...

That wouldn't be me.

Perhaps I am not sweet enough to be satisfied with your good alone and being a mere listening ear without being able to contribute with my true thoughts. 

Stuff like what I think of prostitution puts you on a highly strung cord that threatens to teeter you over into the wailing sharks below---Stuff like that I know and can feel. Stuff like that I only appreciate and enjoy it if people try to show me what they think without being hurtful, and you only show it to me via those subtle expressions and nanoseconds of hesitation and silence.

Stuff like ranting about movies and acting, or praising books, or counting the times I cried and the times mom freaked out over that. Stuff like how the ice cream would be better with dark chocolate instead of milk, stuff like a future shop together, stuff like clothes, food, the school, your school and your hobbies. 

Stuff like that is what I want to do,

Not stuff like knowing all about your life, 

Not stuff like talking about nothing else except your life.

Unless. That is,

We are close.

That way, I will love you so much I will wish you talked more so I stop blabbering and stop being so self-centered, boring and selfish. 

That way, I will sing so much around you you will get sick of my voice.

That way, I will laugh like a mad woman and you will enjoy/get tired of my company so much more. I will be so much more than a 'good listener', and you will be someone much more interesting. 

That stage however, is only reachable if we go way back, and not many manage to do so.

Not with my erratic temperament and quiet thoughts.

Not with my straightforward thoughts that others would call 'complicated'.

It will be worth it because that is what I want. It will be excruciating effort with little to no repay, but hey... You gotta sacrifice a little something for what you want.

Apparently one science is useless without another

And you are either a 'science student' or an 'arts student'.

What I want is an 'odd' subject combination,

Not offered by the school and not advisable.

Why, but I know what it is that I want.

I like one science but I like the arts, too.

I do not wish to be classified so stereotypically, but.

Suppose my want cannot be fulfilled without sacrificing anything.

Suppose I have to take Chemistry just so I'm not forced to drop Biology which I love and need for my future.

Suppose I face something I don't wanna do just for the sake of something else, something I do so badly at despite working for, something I am absolutely sure I wouldn't want or need.

Suppose I struggle and die, a hundred times over.

.

So be it.

So be it, if I end up with two sciences and an unwise decision.

Sacrifices have to be made, afterall.

Life is never smooth.

It can never be, for it was never meant to be.

One doesn't have that much control over her future,

But I'm prepared to appeal and appeal and ask for it over and over again.

Still, there are no guarantees...

And I am really scared.

I am afraid and conflicted and scared.

I am not ready in the slightest.

I have never considered the possibility of being 'odd'.

I have been so naïve in thinking that following the heart always works.

Oh, but it will.

Besides, it's not allllll bad. :)
The good will be there.

It will be.

It's just this really huge hurdle that one has to contort her body to overcome.

It's just this denatured enzyme with an irregular active site hoping for the perfect substrate to complete it.

It's just...

That the world's a tiny place when you don't fit into your environment's norm.

30 Days

Let's do this.

生日快乐，朋友

已                            但      能   我
经                            是      够   很
决    不                              遇   幸
定    再                              见   运
了    做                              你
吧    朋                              们
        友                                                    
         。                                     也
                                                  很
                                                  快
                                                  乐
                                                   。



谢谢你。

年头时写的卡片
你还记得吧

还生气吧

年中时由衷的话
你还记得吧

还生气吧。


虽不合适
虽不喜欢
虽不开心

你
和她

真真正正地给予了我很愉快的一年

真的，
我很感谢你们。


可我若将以上的话写成卡片

你又会生气吧

又会吵

又会累。


所以
一张白纸
一句生日快乐

会更好吧

原本想送的画

真不知到底够不够，好不好
总觉得没意思，是废纸

还是白纸吧

原本想送礼物

可也不知对不对，能不能
总觉得做的不好

还是白纸吧

原本想写句谢谢

可时间不妥
你也不喜欢我写卡片


还是白纸吧。