It's gonna be okay. But I'm not. Not okay in the slightest, at least not right now. God is it gonna take time, and it isn't hugs or time that'd exactly work for me. I don't make any sense.

I am afraid of a future I thought I'd be prepared for.

There is no running away, but currently there's a lack of courage
And an anxiety that eats at me.

No amount of tea-dying pretty pieces of paper or decorating notebooks calms me down at this juncture; no amount of re watching movies of Shrek or Frozen eases the void.

I should have been prepared for this.

I will appeal.

But I have been too naïve, and they have been very nice, and I should be grateful, settle with it,
accept it, start working for it...

I need courage.
I need time.

I have to accept and think before I decide, and it's not that I have choices.
Appealing will be highly unsuccessful as they said, and I believed in too much.

Now it is something that makes me quiver,
And I will admit that I am not ready for this

But I have to be,
And I have to start soon,

But I can't start before I calm down.

I can't calm down before I make the final decisions,

I can't make the decisions before I calm down,

And I can't calm down because I am unable to start.



The news was 30 hours ago and yet I have not woken up to a dazzling day-
The fear remains and I am still but a little teenager trying to find my way out of this. Or into this. I have to start, and fast. But not right now. Not tomorrow, not the day after. Hell, I need time. I guess I'm not as brave as I wanted to be.

I cried so much.. But I don't think its wrong. I'm just scared. Really, really, scared.

A late night movie out alone
The comforting smell of the familiar bookstore
The silence of the midnight air
The tears
The fear.

The list of positive things in this situation
The time I spent on not freaking out-

I am not okay.

This,
The positivity and acceptance will come later.

I need time to calm down..

I need time.
But it isn't exactly that, either.