Bad apple

"Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time."

The lyrics are important, as per usual.

Having known what it means,
You just can't help but love the song even more.

Truck.

Sometimes I look at a person and wonder about the fantasies
Within, the ones that you hold onto just before sleep
The ones that you hope you could dream

That gaze- mouth slightly agape, hooded lids, shallow breathing
Arms idle by the sides, an awkward arc like a
Friendly monster with unshaven blue fur.

Sometimes when I see a would-be man
Give off a childish cry over something meager alike to
Flirting amongst preschoolers
I'm not quite sure what to think.

I like you, I like
You, I
Like you,

Like you.

Having said these what were you actually thinking. If

you segregate them they become vessels of different meanings
As though it could have the power to be confusing. Don't you

Project your fantasies onto anything and everything

Not all upon the radar is worthy- that includes me
It's scary, it's irresponsible, it's poetry without an author.

But that gaze, that uncomfortable
Way of looking- Take that pair of rose-tinted glasses off!

Listen to the rain

There's six weeks left till the exams begin, just about.

I've already started revision, but there's quite a bit to be done so I couldn't help losing a little sleep here and there. As a result..

You glance at your reflection and see a bloodless face with colorless lips.

Not to exaggerate, but you weren't even feeling that bad- it was just that you haven't had dinner and the air-conditioning on the bus was too strong.

Oh boy..

Guess it wasn't a surprise when you looked down and saw your nails turning blue in the cold then.

.

*Here I went on about how I thought Finding Dory to be about mental illness.. Before finding out via Google that it wasn't anything interesting in my post.
Why, is it
That no one in real life here agrees with me?
It's actually an obvious thing-
And I'd been so excited about sharing it up here.

It's such a wonderful movie that doesn't disappoint despite being a part two of something tho, that I loved it through and through.

I really should have searched this up before I talked about it up here.
Everyone else had the same thought!
In fact, it's a widely known fact.
Oh god..
Who exactly have I been talking to that they don't actually agree..

I'm so ashamed of myself-

I sound like an idiot up here now.
>~<
Now, lemme just dig a hole and die inside, thank you.

.

I'm long over that thing that happened a couple days ago-

I wouldn't call it overreacting, but I'm glad I let the emotions flow as they desired when it did.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: Holding in any sort of strong feelings is the best way to go if you want to break yourself and corrupt your soul. Face it, let it out, and move on- that's what's best for you, in my opinion.

I would have had to face something like this sooner or later anyway- 

Better now than never; I was never sharp enough as a seventeen year old as it is

And it's not like I didn't learn anything apart from the anger.

So

It was a good thing, what happened.

Besides, it's been raining loads recently. Life got good reeaaalllll quick, don't you think? :>

Backbone of the society

Fascinating.

This is so interesting, that the entire concept of using drugs has been changed from being a crime to something to be treated. The government helps out in providing treatment without labeling them as criminals, and it's not like it wouldn't work because drug possession and the usage of it is still illegal.
In other words, you aren't made to go to jail for using drugs- you're only given help to get out of the addiction. Ultimately, it becomes your choice whilst the entire business is controlled, to some extent.
One thing I couldn't understand was this: why the national belief in the principle of human dignity translates into that. Or perhaps, there is some other reason. Interesting.. This is only the tip of the ice berg, isn't it?

Even something like capital punishment has the rationale of being against respect for someone's dignity, and thus does not exist.
For a country like Singapore (or United States, as I've read), these are near-impossible concepts that somehow works in other countries but wouldn't work here.
There are a million different ways of doing something, and while it's effective in Portugal, it wouldn't work here in Singapore; for the reason that crime is controlled here through strict enforcement and laws, and the culture is to follow them rules. We know the price, therefore we stay away from it. Of course, this includes the health detriments that drugs bring to people, as well as the stigma and financial aspects of it.
Without free healthcare for all, and a culture of working for most of your life for the sake of a 'worry-less retirement', it is perhaps not possible for us to ever adopt a policy like this.
The context doesn't allow it, and neither does the rest of the system that governs this country.

Still, this reaallllyyy intrigues me- for stuffs such as smoking (though legal) and drugs has been 'demonized', so to speak, here where I live.

Lessons are only getting more and more engaging-
I really do like school; It is only the rigid and mindless adherence to rules that repels me.

Credits to this for my new knowledge.

Friday Specialz

I may or may not have tried to climb the school gate to get out

..aaaaand got caught doing it.

Mind you, it was a decision made after much deliberation- if you'll call a couple seconds of hesitation that.

Here's how it went:
Left foot up
Right foot
Coast is clear when you first checked it- if you're gonna do it, you gotta be quick.
You were halfway across when something like a shout came: 'Girl! Stop! STAHPPP!!'
You lower your head and retrace your steps; not in shame, but in resignation. Also- cuz the first instinct had been to laugh, and you wouldn't do that if you were gonna act like breaking school rules bothered you, would ya?
Lumbering slowly over, you glance at the teacher who'd called out to you.
Her forehead, creased with.. Anger?
'Just to clarify, my lessons ended at 12:15 today.' It's surprising, how your voice comes out as a drawl whenever you are thiiiiss close to being in hot soup.
'Yeah I wasn't assuming anything like that.'
You nod.
You apologize, you say that you're sorry.

'You're sorry because you were caught! If you'd gotten over, you wouldn't have felt anything at all.'

'Yup, you're right.'

Moment of silence.
Then came that flowy sentence of school reputation, and you nod and smile- you get her point, but it really is a dumb rule that you can't agree with, so...
She asks if there's something that happened that made you do something so 'reckless', and you tell her the truth: 'No.'
She crosses her arms, tsking in her head.
'I'm always worried when students start doing things like these- something might have happened or will happen.'

Worry, it was actually worry etched in the creases between her brows.
That was unexpected, her genuine concern for us students.
But then again, quite a lot of them teachers are great people- excluding the biased ones and those who act differently around superiors.
You couldn't help but start to admire her, a little.

She then lets you off when she sees that you aren't 'problematic trouble', and tells you to wait with the the Mandarin version of 'be good'.

I have to say, I sometimes wish I were a rebellious, angsty teen angry at the world; for it would have been ten times easier to just go over the gate when the shout came, or to scream in her face and oppose her that way. But that's not the way I'm brought up.. And neither do I think that obeying rules without question is the way to go. Sure this is school, and it's a special case today since I was released an hour earlier, but I really didn't care much about being 'well-behaved'.

Still,
I can't help but chuckle at myself-
Who the hell tries to rebel and gets caught?!
I'm such a novice I might as well remain that 'good student' for the rest of my time here, heh.

On another note tho,
I'm sure that it's only in school that I can be let off this easily, with a kind and nice teacher- if this were society and I broke a law, it'd be terrible. But in the first place that wouldn't happen; In my books, so long as no one is hurt in the process, no morals were bent and broken, you're good. Nothing 'bad' was actually done.

You're right, I'm not repentant.
It wasn't a right thing to do.
But really, there wasn't any harm done, was there?

Only here in my school and Singapore is there such a huge emphasis on rules and 'behaving';Breaking a few rules isn't the end of the world, so why is it that it's being treated like the sky has collapsed and you're the one responsible for it?

I understand the logic behind not opening the gates till its 1:30- you're afraid of truant students. Still, we are a school consisting of 13-18 year olds, so isn't that too silly a rule to enforce for alllll the students? 17 and 18 year olds have different timetables that result in erratic schedules like that, you know. In the first place, there's no reason for us to play truant- the school culture is to work hard and excel at everything, stay out of trouble, be silent as moths in class, and to obey, obey, obey.

Hah, I'm probably not that great a person for you to learn from, huh?

Just give me a moment..

An idea that I came up with in a group setting is supposedly a group idea, but I was going to write it in my report and I had made it somewhat known. Thing is, what each of us chooses to write can't overlap and has to be distinct;
And that, was my mistake- I should have been waaaay clearer, but I really wasn't expecting something like this to happen.

She'd casually announced that she'd be writing that idea
And if you were there you would understand
That the light atmosphere made it impossible for an outright reaction to take place.
Sure I could have shouted and whatnot, but that's not how it works-
Someone like that is smart..
Even saying it to her face that 'I think I said before that I was including this' didn't work, it was as though I were overreacting
When it was just a case of her being faster than me-
It's like copyright, and she beat me to the registration.

Someone like that, who always behaves and smiles sweetly.

Having known her since 2013,
You know how she's like- but you just don't ever expect it to happen, you see.

I'm pissed, I'm so pissed,
But what can I do?
That idea is flawed, we rejected it after even more evaluation- but she was faster in vocalizing that she'd do it. I did voice what I said before, but that didn't do anything; it's not like I can blow it up or force her to write something else or anything.
Basically what's happened was this: She asks if we are including that idea into the project, I reply that we're not since it's not good enough, and she without missing a beat says that she'll be putting it into her report.
That.. Was planned.
And I was too shocked to answer.

Then,
I'd realized that it was too late and I couldn't do anything about it.

Seriously,
How could I have been so dumb and slow.

Sigh..

But on the flip side that idea wasn't the best anyway
I will have to think of something else,
Conflict-avoiding idiot that I am.

And of course, I had to round up the wonderful day with losing an important notebook that contains chapter-by-chapter summaries for Bio.
On the flip side (I have to do this, or I might just simmer and die)
Those notes had to be improved on anyway-
We'll just have to redo it.

...
Ugh.

That, is my emotion right now.

You can blame people, but you can blame yourself too.
The former just makes me upset. The latter at least consoles me, for its at least simpler a matter than the time someone stole my calculator and electronic dictionary, and didn't return it till I left a card on my desk asking for it back.

I suppose I've learnt something, despite my disbelief at something like this happening, something like a scene out of a drama.
Be a sharper human, me.
The world despite all its beauty harbors people like that; Even as the way you naturally are you will have to become a sharper human, and I don't mean distrust- I only mean caution, which you lack.

.
It's okay...
It's alright.

Breathe.

Let's just study the night away, shall we?
Bio, chapter 7.

Passing thoughts

Now that I think about it,
'General knowledge' extends outwards and is inclusive of anything and everything,
Including the latest trends or well-known videos of the Internet.
Yeah it's common sense and all
That it helps with keeping you in touch with the world, connecting with others, knowing how to make small talk, etc etc

But even till now I still have no idea of what the Kardashians are about,
Or even the latest trending top hit song. It's usually through walking through malls that I know of famous songs without knowing who they're from, and I don't try to remember most of the stars out there.
Sure I'm not interested, but for a long time now I've been wondering about this aspect of me.

Just reading articles on presidential elections in US or knowing about the Nice terror attack or the Brexit incident isn't enough is what I'm saying; ultimately, you're still living under a rock if you don't know what everyone else knows.

I guess
That in this time and age
You can't just label anything non-academic 'useless knowledge', huh?

Say no to drugs, kids.

The other day, I was made to go onstage by classmates and friends (here in Singapore we call it getting 'sabo'-ed) Talks concerning drugs are always dull and straightforward- Say No, and that's the end of it. But this time, they did it a little differently, and put up a skit- in which said humor was veeeerry Singaporean. :p   It wasn't bland education either, for which I'm grateful for.
They had pretty good acting, and the emcee is really skilled.
I was told to 'role-play', but really there was no acting involved- it was just being yourself.
(...Mom? Dad? Have I.. done you guys proud?)
Pfffffffft...

Aaaaaanyways.
Anything technology-related always makes me die a little inside..
So consider it a miracle that I was able to upload this, won't ya?

There are rules like uniform and the color of your shoes and socks that you bend and hide, and there are rules like not going into the library without some form of uniform on. Then, there are rules like these.

My school has this rule of not opening the school gates till it's 1:30, and I'm lucky enough to be released at 1 on Fridays, and only for this term. So what do I do when I reach the only gate available (which is in front of the guardhouse), and this one guy tells me to wait for sixteen minutes?

I wait- no biggie.

He tells me there's CCTVs all around and that it's school protocol, and even though I've gotten out before with no fuss- no fuss, at all, before- he says that he doesn't have a choice.

He tells me to get one of those early-dismissal slips if I am to leave- but that takes ten minutes, which is pointless- so the logical decision would be to wait.

When I proceed to walk two steps to get under the shelter there,

He stops me. 

Out of fear.

Any normal human would already be irritated by his paranoia.

But fine, this is his livelihood and all- if he believes it to be such an important thing, then so be it. I just wanted to spend those minutes reading, at least. 

Then one student passes by me and the normal reaction is to glance in the guard's direction to see things.

There, an unbelievably triumphant pair of eyes stared back at me,

Wide, sparkling, proud,

And he showed me the slip with this confident smile.

I just-

How the flipping thorn can you make it such an annoying thing to see I really don't know, but it annoyed the heck out of me.

Roughly,

I knew it when the time was up.

I turn round the corner and look at him.

'Fourteen seconds,' he announces, whilst staring intently at his watch.

At that point,

There was a word I wanted to use with all its force and power,

But that isn't what a student who doesn't want to get into trouble would do-

So, done as I was with his absolute stupidity,

I told him I was leaving and went off.

(And should I mention that he actually tried to stop me but I wasn't having any of it..)

I mean, really? Did you think of it as diffusing a ticking time bomb or something? If your brain were a prison, there'd never be any runaways.

I just can't believe how rigid and ridiculous he is as a human.

As a grown man, how can you think that people are free enough to stare at a CCTV and try to differentiate between the students who're leaving with a slip and without? How can you flipping think that fourteen seconds make that much of a difference?

Do you really think that that would get you in trouble?!

Absurd,

Absolutely absurd!

There can only be that much of a line between taking care of your job and being totally afraid of anything and everything, and having a stone for a brain.

I'm not sorry- I can only apologize for not being that nice when things make sense, not when people are being annoying and brainless.

I'm not patient or scared-  yes, scared! Scared of nothing, really-  enough,

But there you go.

You decide if that's a good or bad thing. 

Small things that aren't worthy of talking about, yet needs to be taken off the chest.

I love rainy days.

Waking up to a downpour is a magical thing

whereby you hear the heavy pattering that the windows are subjected to

Almost like a melody, a synchronization of notes no one can differentiate apart.

I detest people who throw tantrums for trivial reasons.

Of course, that extends to children

And the humans who act like it.

Really, stop blowing things out of proportion and giving me the cold shoulder.

Stop overreacting and telling me vague things like 'Don't say.'

'Don't say', what? Specify yourself or else give up trying to make me understand.

What in the world am I supposed to be, telepathic?

Not to mention that it was such a microscopic and petty issue that I honestly can't bring myself to be bothered about- it wasn't like I had had your deepest darkest secret within my clutches and I'd decided to betray and humiliate you or anything.
Goodness gracious.
Grow up, for goodness' sake!

Ah,

But I won't react the ways in which I did before.

I won't, as I did as a kid, apologise for stupid, teeny tiny reasons that aggrieve you- that I'm actually not responsible for.

It can be seen how you throw these childish fits only at people whom you think you can take advantage of.

And you're not the only one capable of cold treatment. 

I will not give in.

The thing is I've done it before and to do it again is dumb.

Even if, you aren't exactly the same people from then
I have, after all, made a promise to myself to change

And I will most definitely uphold that promise.

It goes round and round.

Even till now,
It's still hard to be completely frank up here.

Certain things are way too personal to be shared,
And the act of writing about it alone has the power of helping
In the sense that they make me better at expression than I'll ever be, otherwise.

One thing I'll say though
I wish there was more time for rest.
I really should learn to make do and appreciate the time that I do get,
But it's just kinda been jam-packed with things right from the get go,
And I feel like ocean waves who know the definitive directions that it'll crash in, but still does so anyway.
I feel like a moth who has gone too near the light once
And knows that it'll kill, but still approaches it regardless.

Perhaps,
I derive too much pleasure from solitary time and enjoy way more solitude than the average person would desire.
I wonder -and I've been told this before-
Is that abnormal?
It can't be 'unhealthy', but is it 'bad'?

Oh, do stop with the labels.

Bunched up wool

Last year, I played Emily from Poop by Chong Tze Chien for SGEM
It was a dramatic reading session, meaning that you read from a physical copy of the script while on stage. A more accurate description would be partial acting, I suppose?
And I really fell for the character.
She's strong despite her age, and the way she reacts to her circumstances breaks me.

It's a really powerful script about loss, love, and the meaning of death, well written and all.

I guess what I'm saying is that I am actually one of those to take a teacher's random comments seriously, and that when she said that poop would become an actual production, staged in the auditorium instead of the drama studio like last year.. I got excited. That means that lines have to memorized and it's full-on acting. It means that something I love gets to be expanded on. It too means that somehow more people will know of it, the timing and location is less secluded, and the ones I want to show this to, can come. After all, it was only open to students for last year- and my family couldn't come.

Thus I may or may not have been looking forward to this time of year
For a year, now.

We had less than a month for preparation for that,
And while it was tough it was fun and exactly what I loved.
Apart from the fact that I want to play this character again,
Be it to do it better or just for the sake of a second experience-
I've been worried about whether or not it's even gonna happen
And that if it does get staged again- would I be allowed a part in it.

The thing is,
No one apart from me wants to do this production
Asking about it confirms that.
So if it is to happen, it has to be something that the teachers want.
Despite her popping in before,
Announcing that the performance will be official this year,
It still isn't happening.

We might not even have the time (for we are only left with two weeks) to put up anything at all.
And we basically wouldn't get to act much, not anymore, after this...



Of course I'm disappointed,
But this is okay.

Perhaps it was too indulgent to fall for a character like that, and harbor hopes for a year.
It was a first character, after all. The first one to ever have development and depth, unlike the 'first' magician that I played- which didn't have the complexities of a well-written, 'human' character- the first actual play that I'd somehow gotten to act in. And I suppose that's gotten me slightly spoiled.

Once is enough; learn appreciation.
Won't you.. I mean, me?

June wrapping paper (cuz there's nothing to be wrapped)

June was a really really reaaaaallllyyy bad reading month.

1) Beside Myself by Ann Morgan
This is about two twins who swapped places, the follower with the leader and vice versa. Then, the 'follower' refuses to switch back. Sounds interesting, huh?
It's exactly the kind of book that I'd pick up, given any time or day.
I'm not quite sure if this is a new favorite, or even if I do love it.
I did however really enjoy it, for how dark it was and everything. The front parts are a little stifling to get into, and it's only because you tend to feel like the protagonist of the story and you want so much for the truth to be revealed, and you know for sure that things can only go downhill from then on.
At first, it was hard to get into the story because of how they jump between the beginning and the middle; but once I got used to it it became exciting. The writing is interesting because of how it begins from the beginning as well as the middle, and the beginning ends in the middle whilst the middle ends at the end.
I found certain things hard to accept but believable, illogical and yet reasonable. Perhaps you might understand what I mean after reading the book yourself, for it wouldn't be good if I spoiled you here.
Overall, great experience. It was strangely saddening and fulfilling at the same time, definitely a must-try.

2) Love letters to the dead
After reading Beside Myself, I got into a mood where I really wanted to delve into some growing teen books again. So I foiled my own plans of re-reading Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, and picked this one up.
The thing is that I'd been doing a really horrible thing from the get go as I was reading this.
I was comparing this with Perks of being a Wallflower, and so I couldn't enjoy it as much or appreciate it for what it was without constantly drawing parallels between this book and the other. But that's what happens when most reviews point the similarities out- You can't help but be hyped for the fact that they'd be similar, then get disappointed when it's not mindblowingly good.
The second reading of books are always fun and a nice thing to experience, and I have to say, tat after rereading this one it has made its way onto my favorite-list.
The writing is beautiful, as is everything else.
The ending was quickly resolved by the character's honesty, so it makes you wish that she'd been so from the start. Still, it's a great book and a new favorite.

Aaaannnnddddd that's it.
Can you believe it?
A month of holidays, and two books is all that I managed.
The rest of all that time went to flying, movies, music and others.

Truth be told I've never had such a productive holiday,
Not ever.
Every minute went to effectively prepping for flights or the exams,
And when I wasn't doing something 'useful' I was watching movies, dramas, and anime.
For once, time wasn't leaked from merely spacing out.
I actually did things.

Sooo.
I have made a decision.

Let's start reviewing anime up here.
As is with everything else, I dabble a little in it- not too much, just a little, and as a result only have meager knowledge upon the subject. If you know a little of many different things, you know more.  But it too means that you don't have in depth 'resources' for each topic, and you never really fit into the conversations of those who're highly passionate, almost crazed about certain genres of things.
The same goes for K-pop; I've finally started checking them out to satisfy my own curiosity.
The resulting thoughts are these: Korean pop stars are really good looking and talented at dancing as well as singing. The songs are catchy and the videos attention-grabbing, and after reading articles about the training behind those stars I can't help but feel admiration for them. Still, I find them extremely removed from reality- in the sense that there doesn't seem to be distinct differences in terms of looks or the fact that being 'cute' is the selling point. They seem to be highly idealized, too.
I guess I'd like the music if it was played, but it doesn't exactly touch me in any way. The same feeling is being emitted from them: That things are staged and planned and artistes are sold rather than the music itself. Also the fandom there scares me; it's almost like a herd of screaming teenage girls teeming over people who don't even know of their existence.
That is some way frightens me, for it makes me feel like if we were to have a conversation it'd be stagnant and hormonal and restricted.
That's what I think anyway.

Now on to anime.

1) Tanaka-kun is always listless
This is one relaxing one that really helps with sleep because it's about a guy who's very lethargic. Huh. Sounds exciting doesn't it. :p
It's just really cute, the way the jokes are made in a laid back manner and the way characters react to each other without missing a beat. That to me is true comedy- comedy in animes that rely on characters' reactions in terms of laughter doesn't exactly help in making it funnier.
I really liked how relaxing this one was- its simplicity makes it rather a sweet show.

There were some others that I don't feel like reviewing right now, so that's that.

I hope you have a great Sunday;
Bye!

Bud of a rose

Man is this some good stuff. Check em out!

I've just recently come to the realization that my blog looks really different from the average blog out there, and that it may not be 'tasteful' to have anything other than a white background and minimalistic designs. Ah but I do love colors.. Anything whitish and simple just looks boring and overly reserved to me.
Still, this blog has looked this way for a year and a half now- perhaps I should be tweaking it a little after all?
Oh well. Sidetracking a little, here's an interesting article for you.

This obviously doesn't reflect every part of our society, but it still is true in the general statement it carries- that Singaporeans aren't reading enough. Poetry isn't a luxury we can't afford. We really should start paying more attention to Literature from now on, don't you think?