20th Birthday

This time round,
it no longer feels like such a huge thing,
like I have have have to have people treating me specially.

It just felt like another day.

And good things like meeting a friend and getting a lot of plushies from the crane machine,
and my ex surprising me with a Phantom of the Opera performance..

Sometimes life is so good,
but because I've been under a lot of pressure lately trying to change myself for the better, and feeling like everything's my fault, and constantly scolding myself with the same words he tells me I'm not good enough with- hypocrite, sulky child, so on..

On my 20th birthday, around midnight,
I was coming back from the show, was gonna spend the night in my ex's room,

But I felt so deficient and misunderstood from the fight we had before,
when he told me he was thinking of leaving me,

And though he was being strong in pulling my hand the entire way back
I was somewhere else.

I felt so small and unworthy of love, and the anxiety was so bad, and everything seemed so hopeless,
I really wanted to run off into the road and let a car hit me.

I pictured how fleeting that pain would be.

Somehow I made it back with him,
and since he was so exhausted from work and having to deal with me,
he dozed off almost immediately after we were back.

Sounds of gentle snoring filled the room,
and I was seized by an urge to open the windows and the metal gate that protects you.

Looking down, I pictured leaping to my death,
calmed by the prospect of this constant fear and worries ending.

The truth is I feel like a mistake, like everything I do is always wrong, like I'm a burden and hard to love- because the one person I care so much about keeps telling me all these issues he doesn't see changing about me.
The truth is I've been trying. But he doesn't seem to see the struggle, the pain, of doing so- when all I wanted to do was kill myself.

I stepped onto the stool, and looked down.
Good thing he was asleep, because if I were to go- it wouldn't be by disturbing anyone. They would just find me lying dead, but I wouldn't have scared anyone by letting them see me trying to climb over a railing, or by receiving a note from me.

The sounds of snoring continues.
I felt strangely calm,
and out of place,
in my makeup and long gown and tear-stained cheeks,
on my 20th birthday.

I found it amusing how poetic that was.
And I wanted to jump but it all seemed too low, because the 7th floor wouldn't kill.
I wanted to go to a higher place,
but that was the moment it occurred to me that I actually didnt have the strength to go out and hunt for a high building.

I was afraid of the dark, the night.

So i closed the windows.

The panic began again,
because I felt so useless and unloved, unknown..

and i repeated the entire procedure trying to at least sit on the railing-
but there were people opposite, that I noticed all of a sudden,

and the fear of that made me stop again.

Thinking back now maybe all I should have done was wake my ex up,
but in those moments you wish you were alone so ou didn't trouble anyone.

and the poor guy was tired from everything.

.
I never could confess to him about all that. Simply told him I was glad he didn't see what happened, but I guess that made him feel pushed away, so that was that.
How can I have the heart to confess such a thing..

I had this conversation with my dad before.

He told me he had several suicidal days in his youth, when his mind was blank and he didn't know where he was.

Funny,
I think its fortunate how some people survive such days on their own.

Dad told me its just a typicalstage of growing up,
that its a waste of youth, of life,
because we're already here.

And the funny thing is I've always stood by that optimistic notion about life.

But somehow...
somehow,
everything feels meaningless.
I feel like I'm worth nothing at all,

and I feel so lonely.
There is so much that I tried to tell my ex, about how I feel-
my family understands what I'm saying,
and my dad sees me for what I am.

When he spoke to me that night,
the things he said made me feel like I was loved wholly for who I was.
He pointed out my flaws, but he said they never harmed anybody, and that he knows I try really hard.
He said I had an overly soft and kind heart, that that was good, that he loved me for it.
And he told me I was kind, told me my worth.

It was all so hard to believe,
because I don't see all that about myself,
and from what my ex said about me,
i don't feel like he sees that either.

He didn't allude to the softness or kindness of my heart even once.
He didn't see how hard I always try to change for the people and things whom I love.
And how I always blame myself because when I love someone, I think everything they do is right- because I trust them more than I trust myself.

But these are answers you don't tell the one you love,
because if he doesn't see it, then he doesn't see it.

and I've given enough answers as it is.

One thing was clear though- my father's love felt unconditional.
My ex's love seemed to depend on whether I was able to rectify and correct everything bad about me ove three weeks.
He says my attitude is bad, that i hasn't changed,

But I've been trying to alter my thinking so much.

And I don't blame him.
I absorb his words deep within my soul.

And it just feels so lonely when he doesn't see that.

.
I've just asked for breaktime.
Because I really love him, and because I hope only to love one, in my life.
I'd hoped for this to work.

But he probably wants to break up, considering how done he has been with me,
and his blue ticks at the moment.

.

I'll not drink tonight.
I'll try not to have panic attacks.

And I'll try not to want to kill myself.

.

Y'know,
the good thing about writing an angry post after we broke up,
that he saw,

means that he won't ever come back here again to read what I have to say.


.

I'll try to believe in what my dad said,
about this suicidal phase being temporary.

Because I've never fallen so deep before.

Billie Eilish- Lovely

Self love is such an iffy thing.

In this one and a half years since graduation,
I feel as though I have overcome so much and seen so much of the world.
I started having a lot of confidence in myself, in what it seemed to show the world, in what I was and what I had, as a person

But confidence doesn't equate to self love;
In fact, if I had known that the two weren't really related- I would have been more careful when I was building myself up.

Just had another panic attack-
These things are fucking terrifying when you are on your own and you are fighting and not responding to your ex's texts, and you're home and your brother is all the way in Nepal, and you always, always, find it hard to ask people for help.

Moving out of hall when I was having an anxious suicidal week was a challenge; I kept packing and curling up to cry at intervals, and the 15 bags didn't help either-
But I made it back, and here I thought the week was at an end,

But now I see that in my lowest points I am unable to be my own best friend;
I hate myself for having these panicky flaws, for having to cry and shake in a corner when everyone else seems to not have to do the same,
And when my dance partner made things uncomfortable, I didn't think myself important enough for the dance president to trust me, if I had told her;
I thought keeping quiet and bearing it in silence was better because all the damage was to me, myself, alone, and I could handle that.

I would rather I reacted in a way that suited the situation,
or which makes other people feel better, than to do something that would make me feel better.
I feel as valuing yourself enough to make good decisions doesn't apply to me.

And to be honest, I don't like myself very much.
My ex keeps telling me I have communication and behavioural and attitude problems,
And the truth is I can't not agree.

It's so much more convincing having someone you love deeply, who loves you back,
Tell you why you're so unlovable and hard to be with,
Because it confirms every fear I've ever had about myself, and whether I was ever worthy of love.

How can I love someone properly,
Be.. a Good partner-

When I can't say things in a way that gets my meaning across-
A flaw I now have come to terms with, because my ex told me, but also because I haven't interacted enough with people-
Missed,
the crucial few years I had growing up,
Locked up in my room, unable to talk to anyone or open up to them,
Unable to trust, to rely, on otherws-

I have grown so used to being alone that maybe now in a relationship all these ungrown parts of me are coming back to bite me in my ass.

I was never ready for a relationship.
I merely fell in love.

And now its hard because my ex doesn't believe in us splitting till we have both grown to become better versions of ourselves, before coming back together and being *able* to make it work.
He believes in coming for me now, or never coming for me.
And typing this now I can picture him telling me I have misunderstood his meaning again, that I'm oversimplifying, genralizing, putting words in his mouth and using his hand to stab myself.

Honestly...
I can't tell.

I feel bad and I feel things and I think sad things,
But when my first love tells me all these things,
I can't help but absorb them deep within, and think that he must be right.

And it makes me sad that he would tel me he is sick and tired,
"but not of me",
of,
putting up with my "honestly poor attitude".

Maybe I haven't been treating him right.

Truth is this past week I haven't wanted to function-
simply wanted to die, on the bed,
And little things like shadows and people and a lizard's mating calls are enough to cause me to spiral into a nervous attack-

So I really don't know why we had all the important talks this week.

I don't know why the times where I don't feel functional is when I try my hardest to be functional and make decisions,
Because he will hold me accountable for that,
And he will take those as words I said when I was lucid and logical.

But ahaha...
All I wanted to do the entire time was curl up into a ball and not talk, cry, and watch movies.

I have been shaking and unable to move and unable to talk,
And my ex helped me through all that,
But it still wasn't enough because when you are in that state you are convinced that you are a burden to the universe, and that people are better off without you,
And you need someone, if that someone is there,
to keep telling you that things are okay and that he doesn't hate you, and to keep hugging and soothing you instead of telling you to *stop*

When he told me it was emotionally draining, and what he was doing was the most he could do,
You understand,
because of course it was draining, the way you knew it was-
and when he was helping you through it one of the reasons why you were panicking so hard is because you were afraid that he would say that to you.

It's frightening to be vulnerable in front of the only one who has ever come this close to you.

It's easier to put up a front and crash alone,
cry and shake where there is no one to help, but no threat of emotionally draining someone you love, either.

Because his opinion matters;
And I haven't yet learned to not give a fuck about what he, he, he, of all people,
Thinks of me.

I really loved him for his help though,
and each time he as there with his warm hugs and singing into my ear
each time the panic ended, even for a bit-
I was seized with an urge to go official with him, and stick with him forever

Because I think he is the only one that can sing songs to me and hug me and carry me to the toilet when my legs aren't working, and I think he's a keeper.

.

So then it makes me sad that he will assume that I've forgotten all the bad nights he helped me through, as he told me he would do,
If I were to leave him.

Sometimes,
I don't feel understood.

And I try to tell him what I do think and feel,
But it never quite comes out the way it should have-
Because it annoys him and it leads to argumentz

And at the end of it all,

I always feel so lonely and unsure of his love for me.


I feel like everyone else around him will be better to love, nicer to love, easier to.

After telling me he's sick and tired (but not of me)
he has invited me out for a bazaar, something he knows I will like.

But I haven't responded,
Because what he's told me,
All the issues with me,

Hangs in the air between us.

I have been trying to fix them,
Really, really, trying..


But he told me he's sick and tired of me.
He told me he feels like he's talking to someone who talks to herself instead of to him,
And he blames our lack of sharing and *real conversations* on the fact that he can't talk to me, and that hes bubbling up because we can't seem to talk.


And I can't help but feel that encircling me

And its hard to meet someone when you're feeling unloved for your worst sides..

Because if he's sick and tired of me,
Then what the hell are we doing, meeting again and going on a dizzy ride of romance?

Telling me he's sick of putting up with my poor attitude,
When the reason why he fell in love with me in the first place was "my attitude"...
is a very sad thing to hear.
And it makes me feel deficient.

Telling me he's sick of my attitude is the same as being sick of me.
And I would fix what I had to fix...
With time.

If only he didn't expect me to stop everything wrong with me overnight.

If only he didn't keep telling me how fucked up I was,'
Because that's how I feel about myself,

And hey.

When you don't really like yourself,
And someone you love deeply tells you exactly why, and that he's sick of it all..


it makes you wonder what the point of meeting is,
if he doesnt like you that much afterall.



.
Just now,
when I was panicking-
I whispered something to myself.

I can't be wishing for someone to come and hug and save me and make it all okay for me.

What I *should* be wishing for,
is the strength to get through all this,

because people have been asking me to hang out, I am getting all these fun photoshoots in my life, and if I were to apply for acting and modelling and tuition and storytelling jobs again,
I know I'll get them.

The problem now is I don't feel okay,

And I don't like myself for it.

So we need to start there.

we need to learn to be a functional human being,
we need to be able to *enjoy* life- instead of suffering through it.

I need to feel worthy of love,
because right now every word he says comes as a slap that I don't recover from.

.
I miss him a lot to be honest..

And last night I drank some whiskey and vodka hidden in my room
And almost asked him to cab over

Somehow
When you miss and love someone,

All the issues don't matter-
You just want to see,
Him.

Finals has just ended,
and with that, my first year of university.

I have to say, it's been a good semester. Life has been good, even if I'mstill struggling with anxiety, nd I'm currently in a dilemma about my ex.

Just had a really, really bad day.
To be very honest, I've had so many of them that I don't understand why this is such a bad one.

It makes me want to push everyone away,
and it makes me want to jump off a building.

Sometimes,
I get the urge to come to a quiet spot in my beautiful university,
like I am doing now,
(and mind you, in a year- this is the first time I've done this, so I am proud.)

I come to a quiet and peaceful spot like this,
and cry.

Times like these I feel well and truly alone,
because its hard to reach out to others
and sometimes i cant get warmth from my ex.

Sometimes all i need is a hug...

Actually most times I just need a hug.

why is this such a bad night.



Recently I've overcome a lot in my world.
Overcame anxiety and met the friends and family of my ex, stayed to interact with them
Though the old me would have ran and stayed miles away.
Kept going to dance practices even though my dance partner made me uncomfortable and I
sometimes did not know if he accidentally touched me, or not.
Maybe its cuz he asked for a fling and jokingly did a lap dance when I went to his room naively thinking we would establish rapport as friends and dance partners.

I feel more integrated with dance people and the other friends I have now.
There was never a need for a lot,
and I have stopped idealizing friendships and waiting for soulful connections a long time ago.

I have also stopped spamming jobs in an attempt to fill up the craters in my heart,
I stopped taking them on for money,
I focused on myself,
what I needed to do...


oh shit.
It just occurred to me that in having my bad day I had completely forgotten about my appointment to a stomach specialist- because when this happens all you can notice is your thumping heart, sweaty palms, and tears, y'know?
And I had been waiting for this appointment for 3 months.

It was supposed to be one of my big steps forward in keeping track of my health, in taking care of myself.

Never mind...

Sometimes this happens.
My ex tells me i  hve blatant self-hypocrisy, and if I keep speaking like the way I do, then no one will know me.

I think the thing about loving someone is you let them tell you things.
And I don't think he comprehends how deeply these words sink,
in my cavernous and lifeless heart, much like the depths of Lake Baikel.
Oxygen and life thrived near the surface, but deep down its dark and without life.

I'm sorry I'm such a burden.
I'm sorry I trouble everyone around me.
That's why I don't reach out at all,  don't you see?

Some nights I feel really bad-
though nights like this one are increasingly rare,
and it makes me optimistic.
, and I recall the student at my school that leaped to his death, that the press covered up,
And I think.


I don't think my ex understands how scary it is to wake up from a nightmare with him yelling at me and me in tears, then hyperventilating to wake up.
What if this is just self-pity...

I always have at least 2 people scolding me in my head.
And 2 others yelling cynical comments into my ear.

AM I okay?
Have I become such  flawed person that...
Nevermind.

I keep recalling the times I wqas so broken from the fights we had.
That one time, we were at vivo rooftop and he told me he was thinking of taking a break, then we fought, and I was on the train and I didn't know where I was, and we fought, and we fought,
amd I was at outram park mrt crying so hard unable to head home because it mattered so much that we were fighting, and I couldn't feel warmth.

I keep feeling this love, this strong, aching love,
this emotional rollercoaster,

This,
wish,

for just a hug.

For understanding.

I try to say these things, I do.
I told him what I needed.
But he asked me what *he* needed,

and really... during his weakest moments I do try my best to be there. I send him long messages on how I am there for him.

Maybe though..
I'm still not enough.
Maybe I don't deserve to be loved.

Maybe someone who sometimes gets too nervous to leave the house for dinner,
who, upon coming out- deems that as her largest achievement for the day,

Doesn't deserve to be loved.

And here's the thing, right

I keep hearing his voice in my head telling me that everything that I'm saying now are unrelated to each other, and I'm lumping them together,
And that I'm reacting, or overthinking,
That what i'm saying is stupid

and he's probably right.