20th Birthday

This time round,
it no longer feels like such a huge thing,
like I have have have to have people treating me specially.

It just felt like another day.

And good things like meeting a friend and getting a lot of plushies from the crane machine,
and my ex surprising me with a Phantom of the Opera performance..

Sometimes life is so good,
but because I've been under a lot of pressure lately trying to change myself for the better, and feeling like everything's my fault, and constantly scolding myself with the same words he tells me I'm not good enough with- hypocrite, sulky child, so on..

On my 20th birthday, around midnight,
I was coming back from the show, was gonna spend the night in my ex's room,

But I felt so deficient and misunderstood from the fight we had before,
when he told me he was thinking of leaving me,

And though he was being strong in pulling my hand the entire way back
I was somewhere else.

I felt so small and unworthy of love, and the anxiety was so bad, and everything seemed so hopeless,
I really wanted to run off into the road and let a car hit me.

I pictured how fleeting that pain would be.

Somehow I made it back with him,
and since he was so exhausted from work and having to deal with me,
he dozed off almost immediately after we were back.

Sounds of gentle snoring filled the room,
and I was seized by an urge to open the windows and the metal gate that protects you.

Looking down, I pictured leaping to my death,
calmed by the prospect of this constant fear and worries ending.

The truth is I feel like a mistake, like everything I do is always wrong, like I'm a burden and hard to love- because the one person I care so much about keeps telling me all these issues he doesn't see changing about me.
The truth is I've been trying. But he doesn't seem to see the struggle, the pain, of doing so- when all I wanted to do was kill myself.

I stepped onto the stool, and looked down.
Good thing he was asleep, because if I were to go- it wouldn't be by disturbing anyone. They would just find me lying dead, but I wouldn't have scared anyone by letting them see me trying to climb over a railing, or by receiving a note from me.

The sounds of snoring continues.
I felt strangely calm,
and out of place,
in my makeup and long gown and tear-stained cheeks,
on my 20th birthday.

I found it amusing how poetic that was.
And I wanted to jump but it all seemed too low, because the 7th floor wouldn't kill.
I wanted to go to a higher place,
but that was the moment it occurred to me that I actually didnt have the strength to go out and hunt for a high building.

I was afraid of the dark, the night.

So i closed the windows.

The panic began again,
because I felt so useless and unloved, unknown..

and i repeated the entire procedure trying to at least sit on the railing-
but there were people opposite, that I noticed all of a sudden,

and the fear of that made me stop again.

Thinking back now maybe all I should have done was wake my ex up,
but in those moments you wish you were alone so ou didn't trouble anyone.

and the poor guy was tired from everything.

.
I never could confess to him about all that. Simply told him I was glad he didn't see what happened, but I guess that made him feel pushed away, so that was that.
How can I have the heart to confess such a thing..

I had this conversation with my dad before.

He told me he had several suicidal days in his youth, when his mind was blank and he didn't know where he was.

Funny,
I think its fortunate how some people survive such days on their own.

Dad told me its just a typicalstage of growing up,
that its a waste of youth, of life,
because we're already here.

And the funny thing is I've always stood by that optimistic notion about life.

But somehow...
somehow,
everything feels meaningless.
I feel like I'm worth nothing at all,

and I feel so lonely.
There is so much that I tried to tell my ex, about how I feel-
my family understands what I'm saying,
and my dad sees me for what I am.

When he spoke to me that night,
the things he said made me feel like I was loved wholly for who I was.
He pointed out my flaws, but he said they never harmed anybody, and that he knows I try really hard.
He said I had an overly soft and kind heart, that that was good, that he loved me for it.
And he told me I was kind, told me my worth.

It was all so hard to believe,
because I don't see all that about myself,
and from what my ex said about me,
i don't feel like he sees that either.

He didn't allude to the softness or kindness of my heart even once.
He didn't see how hard I always try to change for the people and things whom I love.
And how I always blame myself because when I love someone, I think everything they do is right- because I trust them more than I trust myself.

But these are answers you don't tell the one you love,
because if he doesn't see it, then he doesn't see it.

and I've given enough answers as it is.

One thing was clear though- my father's love felt unconditional.
My ex's love seemed to depend on whether I was able to rectify and correct everything bad about me ove three weeks.
He says my attitude is bad, that i hasn't changed,

But I've been trying to alter my thinking so much.

And I don't blame him.
I absorb his words deep within my soul.

And it just feels so lonely when he doesn't see that.

.
I've just asked for breaktime.
Because I really love him, and because I hope only to love one, in my life.
I'd hoped for this to work.

But he probably wants to break up, considering how done he has been with me,
and his blue ticks at the moment.

.

I'll not drink tonight.
I'll try not to have panic attacks.

And I'll try not to want to kill myself.

.

Y'know,
the good thing about writing an angry post after we broke up,
that he saw,

means that he won't ever come back here again to read what I have to say.


.

I'll try to believe in what my dad said,
about this suicidal phase being temporary.

Because I've never fallen so deep before.