Billie Eilish- Lovely

Self love is such an iffy thing.

In this one and a half years since graduation,
I feel as though I have overcome so much and seen so much of the world.
I started having a lot of confidence in myself, in what it seemed to show the world, in what I was and what I had, as a person

But confidence doesn't equate to self love;
In fact, if I had known that the two weren't really related- I would have been more careful when I was building myself up.

Just had another panic attack-
These things are fucking terrifying when you are on your own and you are fighting and not responding to your ex's texts, and you're home and your brother is all the way in Nepal, and you always, always, find it hard to ask people for help.

Moving out of hall when I was having an anxious suicidal week was a challenge; I kept packing and curling up to cry at intervals, and the 15 bags didn't help either-
But I made it back, and here I thought the week was at an end,

But now I see that in my lowest points I am unable to be my own best friend;
I hate myself for having these panicky flaws, for having to cry and shake in a corner when everyone else seems to not have to do the same,
And when my dance partner made things uncomfortable, I didn't think myself important enough for the dance president to trust me, if I had told her;
I thought keeping quiet and bearing it in silence was better because all the damage was to me, myself, alone, and I could handle that.

I would rather I reacted in a way that suited the situation,
or which makes other people feel better, than to do something that would make me feel better.
I feel as valuing yourself enough to make good decisions doesn't apply to me.

And to be honest, I don't like myself very much.
My ex keeps telling me I have communication and behavioural and attitude problems,
And the truth is I can't not agree.

It's so much more convincing having someone you love deeply, who loves you back,
Tell you why you're so unlovable and hard to be with,
Because it confirms every fear I've ever had about myself, and whether I was ever worthy of love.

How can I love someone properly,
Be.. a Good partner-

When I can't say things in a way that gets my meaning across-
A flaw I now have come to terms with, because my ex told me, but also because I haven't interacted enough with people-
Missed,
the crucial few years I had growing up,
Locked up in my room, unable to talk to anyone or open up to them,
Unable to trust, to rely, on otherws-

I have grown so used to being alone that maybe now in a relationship all these ungrown parts of me are coming back to bite me in my ass.

I was never ready for a relationship.
I merely fell in love.

And now its hard because my ex doesn't believe in us splitting till we have both grown to become better versions of ourselves, before coming back together and being *able* to make it work.
He believes in coming for me now, or never coming for me.
And typing this now I can picture him telling me I have misunderstood his meaning again, that I'm oversimplifying, genralizing, putting words in his mouth and using his hand to stab myself.

Honestly...
I can't tell.

I feel bad and I feel things and I think sad things,
But when my first love tells me all these things,
I can't help but absorb them deep within, and think that he must be right.

And it makes me sad that he would tel me he is sick and tired,
"but not of me",
of,
putting up with my "honestly poor attitude".

Maybe I haven't been treating him right.

Truth is this past week I haven't wanted to function-
simply wanted to die, on the bed,
And little things like shadows and people and a lizard's mating calls are enough to cause me to spiral into a nervous attack-

So I really don't know why we had all the important talks this week.

I don't know why the times where I don't feel functional is when I try my hardest to be functional and make decisions,
Because he will hold me accountable for that,
And he will take those as words I said when I was lucid and logical.

But ahaha...
All I wanted to do the entire time was curl up into a ball and not talk, cry, and watch movies.

I have been shaking and unable to move and unable to talk,
And my ex helped me through all that,
But it still wasn't enough because when you are in that state you are convinced that you are a burden to the universe, and that people are better off without you,
And you need someone, if that someone is there,
to keep telling you that things are okay and that he doesn't hate you, and to keep hugging and soothing you instead of telling you to *stop*

When he told me it was emotionally draining, and what he was doing was the most he could do,
You understand,
because of course it was draining, the way you knew it was-
and when he was helping you through it one of the reasons why you were panicking so hard is because you were afraid that he would say that to you.

It's frightening to be vulnerable in front of the only one who has ever come this close to you.

It's easier to put up a front and crash alone,
cry and shake where there is no one to help, but no threat of emotionally draining someone you love, either.

Because his opinion matters;
And I haven't yet learned to not give a fuck about what he, he, he, of all people,
Thinks of me.

I really loved him for his help though,
and each time he as there with his warm hugs and singing into my ear
each time the panic ended, even for a bit-
I was seized with an urge to go official with him, and stick with him forever

Because I think he is the only one that can sing songs to me and hug me and carry me to the toilet when my legs aren't working, and I think he's a keeper.

.

So then it makes me sad that he will assume that I've forgotten all the bad nights he helped me through, as he told me he would do,
If I were to leave him.

Sometimes,
I don't feel understood.

And I try to tell him what I do think and feel,
But it never quite comes out the way it should have-
Because it annoys him and it leads to argumentz

And at the end of it all,

I always feel so lonely and unsure of his love for me.


I feel like everyone else around him will be better to love, nicer to love, easier to.

After telling me he's sick and tired (but not of me)
he has invited me out for a bazaar, something he knows I will like.

But I haven't responded,
Because what he's told me,
All the issues with me,

Hangs in the air between us.

I have been trying to fix them,
Really, really, trying..


But he told me he's sick and tired of me.
He told me he feels like he's talking to someone who talks to herself instead of to him,
And he blames our lack of sharing and *real conversations* on the fact that he can't talk to me, and that hes bubbling up because we can't seem to talk.


And I can't help but feel that encircling me

And its hard to meet someone when you're feeling unloved for your worst sides..

Because if he's sick and tired of me,
Then what the hell are we doing, meeting again and going on a dizzy ride of romance?

Telling me he's sick of putting up with my poor attitude,
When the reason why he fell in love with me in the first place was "my attitude"...
is a very sad thing to hear.
And it makes me feel deficient.

Telling me he's sick of my attitude is the same as being sick of me.
And I would fix what I had to fix...
With time.

If only he didn't expect me to stop everything wrong with me overnight.

If only he didn't keep telling me how fucked up I was,'
Because that's how I feel about myself,

And hey.

When you don't really like yourself,
And someone you love deeply tells you exactly why, and that he's sick of it all..


it makes you wonder what the point of meeting is,
if he doesnt like you that much afterall.



.
Just now,
when I was panicking-
I whispered something to myself.

I can't be wishing for someone to come and hug and save me and make it all okay for me.

What I *should* be wishing for,
is the strength to get through all this,

because people have been asking me to hang out, I am getting all these fun photoshoots in my life, and if I were to apply for acting and modelling and tuition and storytelling jobs again,
I know I'll get them.

The problem now is I don't feel okay,

And I don't like myself for it.

So we need to start there.

we need to learn to be a functional human being,
we need to be able to *enjoy* life- instead of suffering through it.

I need to feel worthy of love,
because right now every word he says comes as a slap that I don't recover from.

.
I miss him a lot to be honest..

And last night I drank some whiskey and vodka hidden in my room
And almost asked him to cab over

Somehow
When you miss and love someone,

All the issues don't matter-
You just want to see,
Him.