Finals has just ended,
and with that, my first year of university.

I have to say, it's been a good semester. Life has been good, even if I'mstill struggling with anxiety, nd I'm currently in a dilemma about my ex.

Just had a really, really bad day.
To be very honest, I've had so many of them that I don't understand why this is such a bad one.

It makes me want to push everyone away,
and it makes me want to jump off a building.

Sometimes,
I get the urge to come to a quiet spot in my beautiful university,
like I am doing now,
(and mind you, in a year- this is the first time I've done this, so I am proud.)

I come to a quiet and peaceful spot like this,
and cry.

Times like these I feel well and truly alone,
because its hard to reach out to others
and sometimes i cant get warmth from my ex.

Sometimes all i need is a hug...

Actually most times I just need a hug.

why is this such a bad night.



Recently I've overcome a lot in my world.
Overcame anxiety and met the friends and family of my ex, stayed to interact with them
Though the old me would have ran and stayed miles away.
Kept going to dance practices even though my dance partner made me uncomfortable and I
sometimes did not know if he accidentally touched me, or not.
Maybe its cuz he asked for a fling and jokingly did a lap dance when I went to his room naively thinking we would establish rapport as friends and dance partners.

I feel more integrated with dance people and the other friends I have now.
There was never a need for a lot,
and I have stopped idealizing friendships and waiting for soulful connections a long time ago.

I have also stopped spamming jobs in an attempt to fill up the craters in my heart,
I stopped taking them on for money,
I focused on myself,
what I needed to do...


oh shit.
It just occurred to me that in having my bad day I had completely forgotten about my appointment to a stomach specialist- because when this happens all you can notice is your thumping heart, sweaty palms, and tears, y'know?
And I had been waiting for this appointment for 3 months.

It was supposed to be one of my big steps forward in keeping track of my health, in taking care of myself.

Never mind...

Sometimes this happens.
My ex tells me i  hve blatant self-hypocrisy, and if I keep speaking like the way I do, then no one will know me.

I think the thing about loving someone is you let them tell you things.
And I don't think he comprehends how deeply these words sink,
in my cavernous and lifeless heart, much like the depths of Lake Baikel.
Oxygen and life thrived near the surface, but deep down its dark and without life.

I'm sorry I'm such a burden.
I'm sorry I trouble everyone around me.
That's why I don't reach out at all,  don't you see?

Some nights I feel really bad-
though nights like this one are increasingly rare,
and it makes me optimistic.
, and I recall the student at my school that leaped to his death, that the press covered up,
And I think.


I don't think my ex understands how scary it is to wake up from a nightmare with him yelling at me and me in tears, then hyperventilating to wake up.
What if this is just self-pity...

I always have at least 2 people scolding me in my head.
And 2 others yelling cynical comments into my ear.

AM I okay?
Have I become such  flawed person that...
Nevermind.

I keep recalling the times I wqas so broken from the fights we had.
That one time, we were at vivo rooftop and he told me he was thinking of taking a break, then we fought, and I was on the train and I didn't know where I was, and we fought, and we fought,
amd I was at outram park mrt crying so hard unable to head home because it mattered so much that we were fighting, and I couldn't feel warmth.

I keep feeling this love, this strong, aching love,
this emotional rollercoaster,

This,
wish,

for just a hug.

For understanding.

I try to say these things, I do.
I told him what I needed.
But he asked me what *he* needed,

and really... during his weakest moments I do try my best to be there. I send him long messages on how I am there for him.

Maybe though..
I'm still not enough.
Maybe I don't deserve to be loved.

Maybe someone who sometimes gets too nervous to leave the house for dinner,
who, upon coming out- deems that as her largest achievement for the day,

Doesn't deserve to be loved.

And here's the thing, right

I keep hearing his voice in my head telling me that everything that I'm saying now are unrelated to each other, and I'm lumping them together,
And that I'm reacting, or overthinking,
That what i'm saying is stupid

and he's probably right.