You wonder

You wonder

If the way you are causes a flashing neon sign to be placed above your head

Screaming, shouting, not heard but felt

"Please take advantage of who I am"

You wonder

If the kind of person you used to be

Is the person you still are

You wonder

Is this truly who you want to be?

Yes, it is. 

No, it isn't.

You wonder

I care for you, but what kind of a relationship is this?

You wonder

Why the emptiness in your gaze and words 

Why are they so suffocating

So much so that it spills out and pools into endless pits of black

Pushing you away from certain people

Pushing you away, building barriers, making you almost heartless.

You wonder

Why does she want to study with you

You believe it to be that she wants to spend time together
You want to believe that.

"I studied with you, so why did I fail?"
"You're so smart!"
Her words ring in your mind whenever you see her
And it makes you hesitate.

You want to believe

That it is for the simple reason that she enjoys your company

And you will enjoy it, you think

You wonder

Why is it that the two of you don't ever transverse beyond what it is now
Why your advice garners a 'thank you', but she never talks to you about her problems
Why you can only learn about her on a deeper level through Facebook

Why is it that she-

You

You feel so fake
For caring for her,

You feel fake

Like a ball of plasticine to be moulded and stretched

Into the comfortable blanket you try to be to her

You feel fake,

For the care stems from obligation

Obligation to care for someone who feels alone
Obligation to be a friend to someone who approached you and uh.. Didn't want to leave
Obligation to support her for who she is, 

And you don't mind, you think
You will show her what true friendship is

So that she will truly see you as a friend

And it will turn into something beautiful

You wonder

If to her, what it is is just benefits

"Friends with benefits"

Such a cruel phrase.

And you wonder

You can't walk away

How do you improve it 

Do you move away from someone like that 

Or

Is it you that needs to change 

Once again

Is your true personality taking over

Making it easy to become a convenient carpet

A soundless, soulless carpet.

But even this carpet has a wish.
This carpet wishes for no flattery
For no 'you're so smart!" Because i'm not.
I'm an average person.

I want a real person as a friend.