A little more...

I had my Bio prac exam yesterday and General Paper today.

The report for Project Work has been handed up, we're done with Lit essay assignments n presentations for the term, I've long re-constructed my Bio notebook with twice as many chapter summaries in it, and there's about half more of Math revision to go.

Then it's ~10 days of holidays,

For completing revision packages and redoing Bio tutorials

Before the exams resume, full swing.

It's a bunch of rather bland details

But planning things calms me.

It's so nice that I'll finally be sleeping more for the next few days,

Studying at a more efficient rate but at a more comfortable pace.

After all, there's less work to be done now

Though with albeit more self-assigned revision to go through.

I really hope I make it through to next year... 

But feeling anxious doesn't help, so we'll just have to see how it goes.

(PS. I'm reaaallllyy liking Angus and Julia Stone).

I want the beach, I want the breeze past my bare shoulders, I want unruly strands of hair in my face and I want to sing into color-filled seashells.

I say you do.

Well it's 3am again, like it always is.

Cold fingers, again.

(This must be what it means to be young.)

Some days I have a lot to say but none of them are related to one another,
so I end up bundling it all together and ditching that overfilled can at one go.

You feel this too, don't you?
That shaky egg-shell like thread that holds onto your hopes for the future:
An eagerness to soar, a trepidation of what might follow.
A thought; Ah, how great would it be to meet someone your age,
Who's intense and complicated and who knows of the world?
Someone who offers up fresh perspectives and who isn't afraid to be unconventional.
Of course it doesn't have to be a human of romantic interest.

What about the things that come with independence?
Well, first of all there's that strength needed in killing cockroaches by yourself.
Then, there's all those chains of rules coming loose,
Setting you free.
I honestly don't feel trapped or restricted; all that freedom to go out is a million times the amount I need, and all that space for my own beliefs is just right, too.
Age I guess is all there is to it- you want to see beyond what you've always been looking at, and that is how simple it all is.

I want someday to go figure modeling and use that pay for clothes,
But I probably wouldn't do it.

I want someday to sleep overnight in a trusted mate's house,
Get drunk, go nuts, experience pressure that breaks you and
Travel, eat all those good food, study what I love and use it to do something meaningful.

I want someday to fall,
Fall deep into the depths of someone's eyes and be a worthy partner myself
they will be the antithesis of transparency, and it'll be hard to see what he thinks
Yet you'll still trust him and have that faith and love reciprocated.

I want passion,
Help out and go for Pink Dot when you no longer say no to it,
Develop better relations with people I'm supposed to be close to
Repair strained ties that initially weren't planned that way and
Experience all of the unknown.

I want to act and join a theatre,
Play an edgy character, a seductive one, a messed up one, a tired one, a humorous one, one who sings, a submissive one, a two-faced one, a selfish one.
I want literature and to meet people as interesting as my Lit tutor
Find complexity in the world and enjoy it to its utmost.

Yet there'll be hardships and odd people, odd in the way that our personalities clash,
There'll be things I can't do and can do, there'll be so much to be alarmed at.

There'll be panic, but in that panic
The shutterings flying in a frenzied tornado towards you will be
Absolutely stunning regardless.


.
And still, I have not covered all of my thoughts
the randomness is here to stay.

Off-the-tune...-ish.

Dear brother,

I'd never call you 'dear'.
But it feels a little odd without you around,
With your moping around after every single haircut

You'd barge in and stare at your reflection,
Practice that cringe-worthy runway walk
Run your hands through your hair and
Lament about how you look like a different human
And how it's ruined, so ruined.

Just when I think you're done with your devastation,
You return with a titlted angle of looking at yourself
And a new set of complaints.

(Ha, and now it's shaved.)

It's so like mum you know,
When she somehow possesses the talent of interrupting me
Whenever I open my mouth to speak-

I don't really know whether to laugh or what.

You're always asking how you look
With that limited wardrobe and limited (dare I say, non-existent) fashion sense.
You switch up those measly clothing into outfits that
Sometimes make you look great and
Sometimes screws you over.

Mind you, I never liked the fake glasses
Since you have myopia anyway..
It's always been ironic, the way you remove something necessary and replace it with a fashion statement piece that's pretty much useless.

Then there's the stories
Animated story-telling's in the blood, I tell you.
We shout so often out of excitement and barely-controlled howls of laughter
That I'm pretty sure our neighbors think we're on terrible terms.

And then, there's you
with your thunder face on when someone promotes something at the door-
I think, the family has pissed off faces as a default setting
And it's kind of a skill. People know when conversation's not appreciated.

You've always gone out often
But it still feels strange when you aren't at home when I'm back from school,
spazzing over anime or kdrama,
playing one of those dramatic songs of yours.

I don't miss people easily.
It's just that it feels slightly quieter this time,
and that's kinda weird in its own way.

Oh well.
Friday and you'll be back anyway,
Back with new stories from the army.

Till then, then.



It's possible, that
I might just miss you.


I like how off-tune and catchy this sounds.
^That's kinda what makes it so appealing: an off-tune-ish tune~

"I despise such people: they've no character; and if there's a thing I hate in a woman, it's want of character."

I have to say,
Way before reading Mrs Warren's profession it'd been my opinion that prostitution is nothing more than a job.
Sure it is 'unpleasant', sure it is a touchy subject, sure it is seen to be wrong and immoral; but to me it has always been the black and white sales that goes on, alike to how you'd pay for a good meal or a great experience at a theatre.
It isn't really demeaning because the assumption here is that you yourself have made that decision for whatever reason, and you are the one responsible for it. Therefore it's a choice and independence of a sort, and I just can't bring myself to look down upon you for that.
It doesn't mean that I'll root for you; it just means that all that social stigma is, from my point of view, unnecessary. If I ever meet someone in this profession I'd still have to be careful about it, and it's not going to be caused by my own prejudice but others'. And that doesn't really change anything, does it? Writing seems pointless that way, but it's just nice to phrase it out like this.

Objectification occurs when others see you as a sexual object,
But how can it be a degrading thing when you willingly choose to be so?
If selling sex is pretty much selling an experience
Alike to a skill to be presented

And as MYP so skilfully points out- the world exploits you regardless-
How is it wrong for you to exploit yourself for your own benefit?

Perhaps it hadn't been female depravation that led to your picking up this occupation;
Perhaps it was circumstances, or mere materialism
Or another reason that I don't know about.

But if you weren't forced into it by anyone, circumstances excluded,
I don't think your job to be such a wrong thing to partake in.
It is doing something that you're good at, after all.

The only thing to do is to learn to protect yourself, and to do it well

After all, views like selling your body=self-betrayal are based on the inculcated mindsets in people, and it just doesn't apply to you unless you think of it that way, too.

That's just what I think.


.

These days I fall into a little dent now and then
and I've been feeling down more often than would be preferable.

My dreams are consistently mission-natured and inject a sense of anxiety in me,
So much so that in the hours that I'm awake I'm not being as productive as I try to be.

I guess sleep is the main cause here, cuz it's pretty pathetic that I'm being so wimpy :(

It's just that I've been feeling rather worried and tightly wound, that's all

Music and a quiet night, that's all it takes.

Let us all take one moment to appreciate just how honey-like her voice is.
At parts, it sounds just like a Japanese Disney character to me.
She steps between the thick and the clear whenever she pleases, expressing emotions as required by the song, and creates great music as a result.

It's been three years so far
Yet this still remains just as amazing an experience as the first time that I'd listened to it.
I mean, how terrific is that?

Some music just don't ever get old.

One of my all-time favorites from her.

Another of my favorites :D

I'm in love with too many different types of music at once, for too long a time, feel too many different types of emotions at one go and turn to too many others just because of a mere whim.
All too often you'll find me slumped at a staircase, dejected about how I've 'run out of music' and how I need some new recommendation to go on.
Perhaps this means that the definition of 'favorite' has been transformed entirely, that that makes me seem like some fickle human.
But that's precisely what makes life such a colorful thing to experience for me, you know?
If one hobby, one train of thought, and one thing to say to anyone and everyone was all I possessed, I'd be less than a cup of plain water next to fanciful glasses of cocktails.
There's waaaaay too many beautiful things in this world to only be hooked onto a single category of entertainment or interest, and to remain constant like that forever. Multi-dimensions are where the fun's at is what I'm saying.

(Excluding open r/ships)
Can't say the same for romantic partners tho;
That is the one and only thing that you'd have to 'stick to'.
Otherwise, what kind of a person would you be?

Guns N' Roses; how appropriate.

The moon is beautiful tonight.
It's windy and silent and beautiful.

Is it the same for you where you live? :)

So gooood.

It was a good dream, at least.

Couple minutes to 3 and I'm still not asleep.

Soon it'll be three and I'll want to update this again.

'Beyond exhaustion': this is one of those terms you don't wanna be using till you're pushed to the limit, and it's not like I'm crumbling into dust or anything;
It's just that upon reaching home from sending my elder brother into the army I'd slept an obscene amount that hadn't helped one bit.
Now I'm back to feeling like a straggly sack of wilted potatoes even though indulgent sleep purportedly recharges you.
Rather than rejuvenating rest, I guess you could call it regenerative.
For the soul or the brain I can't quite put my finger on, though.
(It was as though the depths of Tartarus had me within its clutches and I was falling deep into the abyss of Dreamsville despite being a typical light-sleeper that awakens at the sound of rain.)
To be exact.. it had been a total of fourteen hours. Dinner was non-existent and it was basically going into hibernation mode. Dreams were long and detailed, and interpretations online claim it to be me subconsciously feeling worthy of being loved. *smirks* Then, the holiday was over and I was back to school, back to staying in the school library till 9, back to spending Fridays there as well, back to trying to cram bio and flipping out over math.

My vision's getting blurry and my head's spinning,
My limbs are sore and my shoulders stiff strings of stretched candy
Soon I'll get cold easily and wear a jacket 24/7 like I don't already do that..

But I still don't really want to do this.

Thing is,
If you fall asleep the next thing you're aware of is a new day,
And I don't really want that.
I'm selfishly extending my Saturday and my precious manga time
Because it doesn't feel enough.

And I know that this is all discipline,
That I really really really need to get my shit together
That staying in libraries till 9 is what JC life's about.
That, it still isn't enough.

Truth be told I do actually enjoy it-
The silence of the darkened school and the brightness of the lights that overpower the warmth of the stars makes it slightly magical, and for that I like it. After all, studying is a solitary event, and even through that recharging one's 'battery' is made possible.
In short, it helps. It's just that I happen to really appreciate a specific sort of alone time, that's all.


*breathes*


Oooookaaayy,
I think I can do it now.

I'm actually nervous expressing this.

I really do agree that code-switching is the key here; First of all, Singlish honestly does sound uncouth. It doesn't sound elegant or refined, but that's not the point here.
It's a mixture of languages that only locals would understand, so it can be labeled as a 'culture' or defining feature.
'We shouldn't be ashamed of who we are- This is our identity and the unique way in which we speak. Therefore, we must embrace it.'
I guess you do make sense there, that a mixture of languages is identity and a defining feature. It 'bridges' us but that too limits the understanding of Singlish to just between locals. Take this out of a Singaporean context, and all of a sudden you get the consequences of not using 'standard and correct' English. In professional settings, foreigners would not be able to understand you. They'd cap a label upon you for not being able to use a mother-taught language properly, and for justifying it as a 'culture' and newly-formed language. It's the same logic as any other non-English speaking individual who learns English: A person from France would use common-place French words that are globally renowned when talking to people, but that's because most people know what 'merci' is. However, only Singaporeans know what the local cuss words are, and the different connotations associated with the differing tones. Take that understanding driven into us through the context of having lived here all our lives away, and people misunderstand us or, worse of all, fail to understand.
It becomes a 'language barrier', if you'll call it that.
Besides, the point of learning one language is to master it and be able to converse through it. By taking what a language originally is and converting it to our own 'version' of it is, from one perspective, a lazy way of saying 'we speak it badly, therefore we translate it into what only we can understand.' If that case, does it not make Singlish a dialect? Only people who have learned it and grew up speaking it in a certain context can understand it.
And this has nothing to do with the Singaporean accent either- it's about the usage of the English language itself.

Point is, we seem to have changed the usage of many dialects (in the past before Singapore became this developed) to one, country-specific dialect. Instead of making us a country that is 'bilingual' and skilled in both Mandarin and English, we seem only to have switched from speaking many differing dialects to one dialect.
Where then is the change in all of Singapore's history is what I'm saying.

Thus, if English is recognized for inter-racial communication for being the most common language worldwide, we have failed to fulfill the function of making it the main language here, by changing it to Singlish.

From another perspective, you could say that since English was formally a 'created' language as is with anything else, it is a conservative view to hold onto, that Singlish can't be recognized as an official language. However, this goes back to the entire concept of 'practicality', that is the fact that English is supposedly for easy communication between people of different ethnicities and mother languages.

Furthermore, if we take United States as an example- a country that has many immigrants alike to Singapore- could you argue the same point that incorporating different dialects and languages into a broad category of a 'defining feature' helps create a culture that is the US? In the first place, such a thing does not exist in the US. Perhaps it could be seen as societal segregation and a lack of interracial harmony that is believed to exist in Singapore, but my opinion is that it actually doesn't: English is the main language there and they will use it properly and correctly.

Maybe this makes it a rigid way of looking at things, but wouldn't you agree that not everything can be 'flexible'? Rules have to be; certain other stuffs- not really.

This video says that we 'can' speak standard English, but choose not to. Entertainers such as the interviewed one here chooses to speak Singlish because he believes it unites and defines us.
Honestly, there is nothing wrong with that, and I don't think that entertainers should stop at all. This has nothing to do with national pride. After all, would you really stand up to the point that one language alone showcases a country's individuality and uniqueness? There's so much more to pride and identity than that, don't you think?

There is nothing to be ashamed of in speaking Singlish. If we choose to think of it as culture, then so be it.
The only thing left to do is to code-switch: both for communicating clearly with people who don't know Singlish, and for the 'bridging' factor that is the widely-accepted view here.
But I agree that it shouldn't be made an official language; it defies the function of English in the first place, and it doesn't really encompass the Singaporean identity.

.
But then again, maybe it does show our identity..
(The thing is that my stand changes regularly ><)
A dialect is basically a language, so my flow of thought is flawed. It's more of the idea behind it that I'm trying to convey, I suppose.
If it's something only Singaporeans do, then it has the same value of 'kiasuism'. What makes it an uncomfortable thing to accept is the fact that we seem to willingly embrace whatever new things we're able to churn out, and add it to the ever-growing list of what makes a Singaporean Singaporean.
It almost makes it a capping of labels onto anything and everything, and explaining the justification behind it all as the vague concept of 'individuality'. (I need more synonyms)

That can be viewed both ways: Excuses, or unique features.
Which is it, exactly?

National pride...?

I feel like by naming the traits of Singaporeans and calling them part of our identity, we have stopped trying to improve ourselves.
It can be acceptance of ourselves, or a simple stagnation on our part.
'Kanchiong' is said to be part of being Singaporean, but who isn't impatient? It is influenced by the country that you grow up in, but it doesn't mean that it's inexistent. People of other countries don't title it anything other than 'human qualities', so why is it that when we call it something unique, something that defines us; all of a sudden it is alright?
It's almost as though too much competitiveness is being lumped with identity just because we have embraced the fact that being 'kiasu' is what Singaporeans are.
It's almost as though our own creation of the language Singlish becomes something that's 'okay', because by learning one language half-heartedly we have managed to make it our own.

Of course, this post assumes that we do in fact, stop improvement through acceptance. That's what I see, but perhaps it isn't true.

"What the heck is 'growing up' in the first place?"

Ahh,
I do remember being through this phase that made me listen to these kinda songs on a daily basis. I may or may not have linked them up here before; but if I have, the emotions behind these are completely different, now.

That's the great thing about music: You can always look back upon a treasure trove of memories, feelings, and meaning. A lot of meaning.

Still, that doesn't devalue these songs.
They are dark, heavy, daring, and sad. ...really sad.
And I still do like them, very much so.

Yet I fell in love with that sobbing

Can you read that kid's imagination?
"Can you recite the area ratio formula?
Can you recite your dreams as a kid?
Who threw those dreams down the drain,
Hey, who was it,
But I already know...

"When will you grow up
What the heck is 'growing up' in the first place?"

I miss you, with you, nope!

The scent of dripping honey

Should I just find a reason so that I can rest now?

We should not do bad things

This still scares me, even till now.
"I'm sorry, is it yummy? That's the flavor of a warm heart.
I'm sorry, although it hurts, please eat my fulfilled heart."

This is probably the sweetest and saddest of them all. You gotta search for the lyrics yourself tho :>
"From now on, time and time again
Again and again you'll have regrets
Again and again you'll be hurt
Again and again you'll cry...

"But if for each of these,
You waste your life looking back,
One day, it'll give you a terrible fever...

"I want to just let things go,
So return as if you never came,
And I'll surely be happy..."

.

"I want to just let things go..
And I'll surely be happy..."

Yeah, I see why this was music that attracted me during that terrible period of my life.

Welp. These songs carry not just nostalgia but meaning on its own;
I can finally appreciate it all as great pieces of art without unnecessary feelings.
These are great expressions of the truths in this world (well, not alllll of em);
I hope you agree..?


I'm so exhausted right now because sleep has not been kind to me,
And neither has Math.

'Night, then. :)

Cinnamon without sugar

Some of you people scare me.

Some of you, who are sociable and have no problem forming cliques and making friends. People like you.
Of course that's a good thing,
But I guess the scary part about some of you is that (some of) you choose to be the type that makes it heaven for those you like, and conversely, hell for those whom you dislike.
At first glance all these people whom you are against will just have to ignore you and carry on with their lives. You don't have power over them. Or at least, you don't seem to.
But the thing is that your picking and choosing of specific people and the way you choose to treat them inevitably leads to a 'predestined' amount of easiness and obstacles in the school years that they're subjected to; and it's all controlled by you, for you.

That means that those whom you dislike have a hard time at school because of you, and they can't do anything about it since you don't let them pass: You have your eyes fixed on them for both what they are and what they're not, and you'll make sure that you're the one who delivers 'divine justice', or 'punishment'.

Sounds dramatic, but that's the way I see it and that's what your way of life seems to be imposing onto others.
After all, most humans ignore those they detest; they don't go to war with every human they can't respect, and that's precisely what allows for people to co-exist in harmony (or the pretense of it) for extended periods of time.
It is only when they've done something unforgivable to you, that you should exact revenge upon them.
Otherwise, you're just making other people's lives difficult without regard for them, and that to me is both conceited and selfish.
It is cinnamon without sugar, it is spice without nice.

You're putting yourself on a pedestal even if you don't mean to,
And you basically just aren't a very nice person to be with.

People like you are scary,
Perhaps due to the insecurities of the human mind,
But the way I see it-
The one day you awaken and decide that you detest the one you once was attracted to,
Is the day their lives turn to hell.

It is exhausting to be walking on eggshells as someone next to you,
And I'm pretty sure no one wants such a major part of their lives to be hinging on you- even if you aren't the type to have mood swings and change your opinion of people easily.

Thing is, it doesn't really matter if you're a fickle human (Although that'd make you even more terrifying). It is more that the fact that you choose to treat certain people a certain way means that ultimately, when time passes (and even without your change of feelings towards one), you will eventually start treating the human the same way you treat those you dislike.

And that? That my friend, is scary.

People like you have power-
Social power. People follow you in terms of atmosphere and the general attitudes towards people, and it's mostly subconscious and subtle.

I don't like that you become a god-like figure who dictates and decides people's lives for them, just because you're not one to let things pass.
Maybe that makes me a coward,
But I'll just stay away from your type, that's all.

Things that ran through my head as a kid; You can't be changing a thought I've been holding on to for so many years now, can you?

I've always had this theory- well, not a 'theory' exactly, but a logical sequence of thoughts that isn't all that interesting. But you're here aren't you. So let me share.

People from different continents have a certain 'look' to them, be it due to race, skin tone, general features or just the cultures of that place that leads to a certain, standard type of gaze, accent, and way of looking and speaking.
Thus, if you were to ever meet your doppelgänger, it'd have to be someone from the same continent.
Take me for example, an Asian in Singapore. Any other girl who has the misfortune *cough* of looking like me will have to be from places like Malaysia, or even Thailand.
And guess what? That's it.
She has to be an Asian, so that limits possibilities to (you guessed it) Asia.
Since Malaysia and Singapore have a 'look' to the residents,
My doppelgänger has to be somewhere there.

Main point is, there is therefore a very verrryy high chance of you meeting them!

Just two days ago a friend told me that she saw someone looking very much like me- at a Nick Vujicic's talk in Singapore. It could have just been a story, but it made excitement bloom in me all the same.
Apparently she had a similar voice and was slightly shorter, but she was from Malaysia and looked and sounded like me.

Can I take it as that my theory being proven?
..through something I didn't experience myself?
Yes, yeah, pretty much. Guess that makes you have a good idea of the way my essays are structured huh. A-class substantiation in some of the 'best-written' paragraphs with the flimsiest examples and elaboration in the world. Welcome. And just so you know, she kinda sorta likes to write. Not too bad eh?

.
I don't believe in dying once I meet my doppelgänger or anything like that- it just doesn't make sense! If someone looking exactly like you exists in this world, why would meeting that person result in anything bad? It can only be a cool thing.
After all, looking like one another doesn't mean that your fates are about to intertwine and she'd replace you or anything like that.
Besides, The Prince and the Pauper was one book I perused over and over again as a child; I have no influenced thoughts regarding this.
Soo, if I met her, I'd take a selfie with her.
In fact, I really really reeeaaaalllyy want to meet someone like that.
At first glance I will hopefully think of her as attractive and upon interaction, charming or whatever
Because that'd mean that I'm good-looking and lovable! *ufufufufu*

I'm sorry I subjected you to this, reader.

Seems like it's just some narcissistic gal rambling away on some private blog.

That cheese fry tho

Recently, I've been changing up the way I eat-

Reduced the amount of junk food and snacking,

Cut down on soft drinks and drank more water,

Have brown rice and at least two types of veggies daily.

I feel slightly better; digestion has always been a problem 

but now I'm no longer craving chocolate on a regular basis. 

Having more of it actually makes me feel uncomfortable. (I knoww)

The best part about all of this is perhaps the fact that when I do treat myself to something, it feels like a treat and I thank the heavens for it. 

I savor it more.

I appreciate junk food on a more profound level, and that to me is the one thing that I was going for and that which makes all these worth it. (Oh, you thought it was 'becoming more responsible for my body'? Heh. That too, that too. Someday... Perhaps.)

Aaanywayz

I'm proud of myself.

The burger and cheese fries today was unbelievably scrumptious. Sipping on the tall glass of (unhealthy n processed hah who cares) green tea was a drawn-out, satisfying, and meaningful experience. The sweetness mellowed out the fatigue of the day, and I... I,

Am once again bloated.

..Goddammit.

.

Today, a junior came up to me and gave me a random hug.

The first reaction was to lightly pat her back and wish her luck for the year

The second reaction.. Well, the hug did last a liiittttle longer than usual, so it got a little awkward and I ended up just holding on to her cuz she wasn't letting go.

'Ummmm... Why... are we hugging?'

Yeah. Trust me to mumble that mid-hug and have no social sense whatsoever.

Perhaps, she's leaving or sad; we aren't close and there were loads of other people from drama next to us, so that sorta added to the lack of ease.
There you go I guess.. Daily doses of awkwardness from the awkward jelly.

I kinda wish I reacted in a better way, but you know how it is with me and hugs. >~<

And now, a great song.

就算她不爱你 你还是傻傻爱着她 

她是钻石 我是沙

我世故 我复杂