Interlaced fingers; Grubby hair.

I feel so tired.

So much has gone on over the span of this week that even on a Saturday I'm running on 6 hours of sleep,
And I just want to find a breezy place
Lie down for now
And let the frozen things
Flow.

I need time.
Contents of rumours screw you over,
And it takes time to remove your mangled mess of a heart from the lawn.
Even then there are stains of your hurt all over,
There is the feeling of having heaved with dry sobs under a running hot shower,
The burrowing of your face in your hands because breathing is shaggy and shallow
And your tears match up with the rhythm of a continuous shower of emotions.

Don't cry too much, because these people aren't worth the pain.

But if I am to be honest,
It gets to you because there's no way it doesn't.

I am done crying
But it still happens because it's always an arrow in the heart.



.
When I close my eyes,
It burns from all the strain that I've put it through



And I just want one, good, night of sleep;
One whereby I don't awaken an hour before my alarm
(And that has happened for as often as every day, this year)
With diarrhoea and a headache

One whereby I can have a nice dream.



I did, actually have one of those sweet things.
Someone was smiling at me the whole time,
He held my hand and laced his fingers through mine.
We sat in the kind of proximity that is reassuring instead of being overpowering
And we shared eye contact that felt like a profound form of understanding
I don't think words flowed between us
Because it stayed in my mind like a revealing dream does

And that was it
But it made everything feel a little easier.


I suppose,
That what I really really want
Is a little bit of support like this-
A sort of simple sweetness that is tuned according to your specific sensitivity.


.
I'll share the good things that happened later;
Let's, for now,
Rest a little before the revision for the next wave of tests.

Writing a letter.

The thing about results is that you get over it quickly even if it's good.
It's the ramifications of it that's truly scary,
And for me
It wasn't the simple happy ending that I thought of at first.

The group leader is spreading rumours about me
The content is of course unknown
But the way I am treated makes it very clear-
She has successfully painted herself as the victim with her slimy and sweet demeanour
And since she did it while everyone else shared the same disappointment,
The effects are a lot more profound,
And the general knowledge that my cca mates have on this is that
The group is really angry at me for being the only one who did well.


Ha...
And I hadn't even told anyone in my class about my grade,
Or have the slightest smirk when it came to my group members.

Suffice it to say
that I spent one night crying myself to sleep because
Certain things in life are unfair, and certain people go overboard with things.
It's not that I should be taking it all in like a silent doormat,
But it's not like I can cut off other people's tongues either.

This is life,
This was
To a certain extent,
Expected.

Of course it doesn't make it right,
But tell me-
How many wrongs are right in this world?


People get away with hurting others;
Karma is a concept used to console ourselves and
The only thing we can do to make it better
Is to look forward, and put in even more effort.

The amount of self-centred interests and jealousy that went into driving this should be something that only harms the perpetrators,
But damn-
Did it affect me.

There is no way that you wouldn't take something like this seriously,
Or 'not let it get to you' because
It does, it really does.
I have no friends to speak up for me-
And by doing such an ugly thing to me
She has essentially waltzed in to place a mark on my reputation.
And it makes a lot more sense now,
The reason why I was greeted with death stares
And sudden hostility.
People don't believe me, because I'm all alone and there's no one who knows me.
Whatever rapport I've established with some other classmates this year,
I've lost, and it's absolutely ridiculous how I am
Blamed, simply for putting in effort and
Being my simple and honest self.

My conscience is clear-
They were the ones who put me in a disadvantageous position
And I was the one who did well despite it all,
Despite having been driven to tears and sleepless nights.
I would have understood the envy if it'd been a fair and square battle,
But I was forced;
You've done shit to me once and now
Even though the odds have ended in my favour

I am still facing shit for a crime I didn't commit,
Not except for being true to myself
And working hard.

Hell,
And the way that I coped was to
Suck it up and move on.
Can't they do the same?
I call it justice, that they despite having bullied me into what I was left with


Still didn't do well.
Ironic, ain't it?
Yet my very situation is caked in layers of that dissatisfying sense of humour.


My very own effort earned me this;
I have no shame, or regret
And the group leader deserved what she got.





Sigh.
Let time and the crazy workload take over then,
I'll be fine.

We all start feeling better some day,
And this is temporary.

There are,
Bigger things in life.




.
'Mom... Am I hugging you for too long?'
'No, of course not.'

'Do you have the flu?'

'Why're you sniffling?'

There it was, another empty space.
And I continued, 'Mom, why're you crying?'


'You're upset, of course I'll be sad too'






I know
When such lines appear in books or movies we tend to
Call it off as an overused cliché
And label it an unoriginal scene, one incapable of moving.

But when you're in the middle of that very same scene,
Not as an actress or a bystander
But the one who is wronged,
You can't help but cry.

And I was filled with a kind of sadness that made my retreating sobs return;
I wept, and didn't want to let go-
It was that
Warm, and comfortable.


.


I was ignored even with the songs I sent,
And I suppose
You can only help those who want to get themselves out of that rut-
I have tried, and played my part.

I can't be a wooden block that only listens,
I have to be a good friend and provide assistance.

But if you're content to grieve without trying to improve it,
It is beyond me

Afterwards I'll provide the occasional company,
But at the very least for the next six months I'll be taking a break from this.


Till then,
Be well.

Breath.

PW results were released today;
There were so many crying faces before and after it,
That I couldn't help but stiffen up.

Then
It shone before my eyes-
A, I got an A.
Before anything else relief had flooded me
And I was filled with a sort of tension, the sort that prevents any sort of emotion from making its way onto your face.
Because everyone else was crying;
More than half the class had Bs

And here in my school (and to a certain extent, my society)
not getting an A for Project Work is like failing,
Getting a C beyond words.

I didn't dare to smile;
Woodenly I returned to the teacher and asked to look at the class list again-
Because you never know if you've hallucinated

Then silently I left the hall full of moans and sobs
Wondering why no one else moved.

Later it would occur to me that in doing so I'd yet again segregated myself from the pack, because when I passed them again
And they were huddled in a group,
I was greeted with death stares.
Because apparently not having shown off isn't enough,
You have to be in the same situation.
Else, you're haughty- even if you don't mean to be so.

.
But for the very moment whereby I left the hall
And was free to feel,
A sort of sparkle made its way into my eye
The woodenness left my joints
And I was intentionally frozen no more.
Turning to the side,
I smiled to myself, then covered my mouth in a kiddish attempt to hide it.

The group leader who was against me
And the fiend who snatched my idea
Had both gotten Bs

Hey, I don't mean to gloat.
But take that will ya.

.
Frankly, I didn't have to get a grade better than those who harmed me;
I simply wanted my efforts to pay off,
for something to be fair that way,
And for all that I've put in to be reflected in the results.

To be open about my happiness would have been to
Rub it in the faces of some of my classmates,
And it wouldn't have been good.

To console them would be pointless and somewhat hypocritical,
So I thought to keep my joy to myself
And restrict the sharing of it to family.

After all that shit I've had to face,
At least one thing's fair and just;
And that is rather a nice feeling to have.


.
Some new person I am now getting along with left the hall, too
Then told me that it was because of me
That the pressure to stay cuz of everyone else was lifted.
Yeah, well
I thought it to be an overstatement till they looked at me in that way, so there.
It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, seeing as how they were emotional
And this only served to perpetuate the barrier between my classmates and I.

But you know I don't adhere to such things-
I end up all alone,
But free
And happy.

Croak.

My voice is in jeopardy.

I awoke, caught in a spell that turns me into a frog that speaks in croaks
And no kiss is gonna lift that curse from me.

Even strepsils my new religion is gradually forsaking me-

It's probably not a good idea to go for storytelling today
But it's the best choice in my opinion.
The libraian in charge is a responsible planner who texts me reminders six days in advance; there is no way texting someone like that an hour before the session, saying that I can't make it
Is gonna gonna end well.

I'll just have to force it.

Still, the speech competition
Rehearsals at CCA

.. Am I signing a death certificate right now?

I wanna be shiny~

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=93lrosBEW-Q
It seems to me as though people die off one by one this time of year,
Me included.

It's only been four days,
But, man
Am I exhausted.

Waking up with every inch of your body aching is a sign of an impending flu,
Or that your immunity is low and you'll fall sick easily if neglected.
Of course I went to school,
And of course I ended up returning home after just an hour-
It was tough, to say the least.
And there was this girl who has chicken pox and yet lay on my shoulder
Then ranted to me about how a pregnant lady kept her distance like she was a plague.

Uhh... you kind of are, you know.
To a pregnant lady whom vaccines don't work on,
Or someone like me, who has purple lips, bloodshot eyes, and a slight fever.

Seriously, should I be radiating more hostility?
Why do I attract these kinds of people in the first place
And why do I feel pressured to not be straightforward about being uncomfortable, or angry.

Storytelling session and that one librarian who snatched- he actually did- the books from me after the sensor beeped because he assumed I couldn't do things right-
It is very clear when someone looks down on you,
And I lowered my voice and spoke with certainty, that I could pass one of the books to the children because it isn't borrowed, that it is only that one book that set the sensor off, and it is the other three that needs to be returned
But he literally raced down the stairs- a grown man, mind you- and disregarded what I said
Announcing that he would return all the books just to be safe.
I pretty much gave up on studying that day to sleep before this session just so I wouldn't collapse, didn't cancel it-because,
And yet this is what I face.

Honestly, if I'd been any crankier I'd have overtaken him and given him a piece of my mind,
But it too is smarter to not go head to head with someone like that because
He's the kind of screw things up for me in the future, and I've got plans.

He then proceeded to explain to me that I shouldn't pass the books I read to the children,
(Which defeats the purpose of storytelling in the first place)
And that I was able to control the crowd today because it's an easier crowd-
Which is true, but it wasn't the 'easiest',
Every ounce of my effort had been reduced through his words
And I simply wondered if I should slip poison into his tea, or gently hack him off his high horse.

.





The speech competition went well;
I am never sure if I should share the compliments I got,
Or how great it went with people other than family because
They tend to get angry with me for being honest
And I really did learn that through the hard way.
Best to say that it was 'okay' instead of being frank about my joy from accomplishments,
But that is only to most of the others-

Up here I can afford to be candid.

EY GET ME SOME PIZZAH I JUST CONQUERED THE WORLD 🌎

... Yeah, baaad idea.

.
We were having one of those weekly after-CCA dinners
When we started talking about the group of Christians who went to the suicide forest in Japan and did prayers,
And I started vocalizing a lot of my thoughts since I've watched a documentary about the forest, and it's messed up and ridiculous how disrespectful some people can get in order to do things for self-gratification. Of course I wasn't talking about the religion itself, but the people

And halfway through, it occurred to me
That everyone at the table was listening to me

That before I knew it,
I had become comfortable enough with these people to say what I truly thought,
To get a little lost in the flow of my thoughts in front of someone apart from family
And that I was daring enough to be myself around these people instead of
Always observing, listening, and being less outspoken.

Right afterward I felt the dynamics of our relationship shift, every so slightly,
As I spoke up so much more, and was my silly little self
"You ever watch ear extraction videos?"
They stared at me for a second.
"It's sooo good."
"Wha- I expected better from you"
"No, it's how they work through it- and persevere- like when you see the light at the end of the tunnel-" (which is a line from our recent play)
And then we just cracked up,

And that was just one of many things I quipped up about after feeling like a certain invisible barrier had been overcome, like it's the last year in this school and I'm finally opening up to show them what lies inside: A strange little potato with a desire to connect, and have fun.


.
Hike today,
And the plan was to plug in earphones and have some romantic alone time alongside some trees,
But someone decided she would walk with me
And I ended up spending a few hours just conversing, conversing, conversing...
That all that fatigue just really got to me
and even after an afternoon nap I am, frankly, reallllyyy tiredd.

Studying will ensue tomorrow-
I spent a lot of time sleeping this week without getting anything done,
And the best part about it is that I'm still not recovered,
Not even close.

It's a happy sort of tired, though.

I just wish that I could get my strength and sharpness of mind back-
It's vexing to feel like a zombie on the outside,
And I want to stop dying from my blocked nose, Pecan Jim, and whatnot.

.
I was telling dad this when he gave the most applicable advice ever:
"Stop talking, rest and relax. You showered yet?"
"Yeah. I have no appetite for dinner though"
"Then go and sleep."
"I slept."

"Go sleep some more."






Oh, dad.
I needed this.

Light.

Ever since you've opened up to me,

The text messages have been constant.

There was so much detail, so much venting,

Such raw emotion and yet a lack of expression when it comes to that,

That I told you advice I knew you wouldn't like.

You weren't listening of course,

And I suppose I pissed you off because you wouldn't message me again afterwards.

Since I may have crossed a line I shouldn't have,

I figured I should keep myself away until you felt comfortable again.
I let a week go by,

But it then occurred to me

That this was probably the case for everyone

That we're always waiting for the other to make the move,

That we're never honest and never courageous enough.

So I sent you this song

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e2Lm1-W0jow

And then this, which was more accurate

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EboJrjl_ELI

Because I'm clumsy like that,

And I'll say this, truthfully, for me and me alone-

It is actually taxing to listen and be powerless to help;

You watch as that someone is set down a path of downward spiral,

Drowned in self pity and unable to take in anything from the outside-

The stories are never ending, you try to say what would improve it

But it doesn't happen- because,

And you're kind of reduced to a wooden block of nods and hugs.

.

I've said it before and I'll say it again

I'm no noble human,

And ultimately things have to start from you, y'know?

That first step comes from within- 

.

I am losing my voice again.

That used to happen twice a year in the past,

But I stopped over eating durian and chocolate

Knew how to take care of my voice

And managed to curb it,

Always, right before it disappears.

Perhaps it's due to the singing competition which I decided to enter (which I got eliminated from, of course 😅)

Or the speech competition (semi finals happens on Wednesday)

Or the storytelling sessions that I've increased to twice a week, just for a little while 

Or very simply,

Allll that talking that I've been doing.

*breathes in*

I've gotta be careful about inhaling strepsils and drowning myself in honey lemon water too, but things are going great and I'm finally resuming the weekly castor oil hair treatments that I tried to start, as a New Years resolution. 

As far as I'm concerned,

I haven't broken no resolution yet. (Pff, yeah.)

.

If I were to compliment myself for one thing done right so far,

It'd be the fact that I've improved in storytelling

From that one disastrous session

To the one where a boy tried to look under my dress

To the one from yesterday,

Where kids laughed, librarians came together to watch me in a group
Said that they wanted to learn from me (which is realllyyyy pressurizing, btw) 

And they told me that they'd be conducting sessions of their own, too

(Who knows, it may have finally been started due to my existence)

Oookay~

Noww we're simply going too far. 😋

Either way,

I am doing my best.

I am trying my best at what I want to do,

And that alone is enough to propel me forward. 

Look at the subs, you'll love this.

Shapes and lines.

I don't feel good.

And it's strange,
Because I was having such a great day,
Discovering that one of my dream jobs is actually possible and all.
To be told that you're good at something you've always wanted to do,
And that you can consider doing it professionally and as a partime job
To be encouraged by someone who knows about the industry,
Who gives you tips and resources to look to if there's passion- and there is, of course-

That has got to be one of the best feelings ever.

Yet when I returned excitedly to tell you about my ambition
That I will seriously pursue this once A levels are over
And get that 'professional' title,
Do it as a side job thing like the theatre I want to join and productions I want to act in,
A certain confidence surging through me because
I know I can do it, and I will do what it takes-

You threw me a nonchalant 'Impossible'
And almost made a joke out of it.

I'm still gonna go for it, y'know.



But my good mood just simply plummeted,
And I hadn't even intended for it to.

All of a sudden my recent irritability came back in full force,
And the frustration and anger at certain things joined together to brew more pressure in me.


Things are going well...
I'm right on track with my revision schedule
A little irritated by postponed consultations that disrupt my personal plans,
and frankly I think it's simply the lack of sleep that's really adding up to this-
Just moments ago I put body wash on my toothbrush and almost went ahead with it,
And that's the second time-


Oh, enough moaning.
Goodnight, now 💭