I wanna be shiny~

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=93lrosBEW-Q
It seems to me as though people die off one by one this time of year,
Me included.

It's only been four days,
But, man
Am I exhausted.

Waking up with every inch of your body aching is a sign of an impending flu,
Or that your immunity is low and you'll fall sick easily if neglected.
Of course I went to school,
And of course I ended up returning home after just an hour-
It was tough, to say the least.
And there was this girl who has chicken pox and yet lay on my shoulder
Then ranted to me about how a pregnant lady kept her distance like she was a plague.

Uhh... you kind of are, you know.
To a pregnant lady whom vaccines don't work on,
Or someone like me, who has purple lips, bloodshot eyes, and a slight fever.

Seriously, should I be radiating more hostility?
Why do I attract these kinds of people in the first place
And why do I feel pressured to not be straightforward about being uncomfortable, or angry.

Storytelling session and that one librarian who snatched- he actually did- the books from me after the sensor beeped because he assumed I couldn't do things right-
It is very clear when someone looks down on you,
And I lowered my voice and spoke with certainty, that I could pass one of the books to the children because it isn't borrowed, that it is only that one book that set the sensor off, and it is the other three that needs to be returned
But he literally raced down the stairs- a grown man, mind you- and disregarded what I said
Announcing that he would return all the books just to be safe.
I pretty much gave up on studying that day to sleep before this session just so I wouldn't collapse, didn't cancel it-because,
And yet this is what I face.

Honestly, if I'd been any crankier I'd have overtaken him and given him a piece of my mind,
But it too is smarter to not go head to head with someone like that because
He's the kind of screw things up for me in the future, and I've got plans.

He then proceeded to explain to me that I shouldn't pass the books I read to the children,
(Which defeats the purpose of storytelling in the first place)
And that I was able to control the crowd today because it's an easier crowd-
Which is true, but it wasn't the 'easiest',
Every ounce of my effort had been reduced through his words
And I simply wondered if I should slip poison into his tea, or gently hack him off his high horse.

.





The speech competition went well;
I am never sure if I should share the compliments I got,
Or how great it went with people other than family because
They tend to get angry with me for being honest
And I really did learn that through the hard way.
Best to say that it was 'okay' instead of being frank about my joy from accomplishments,
But that is only to most of the others-

Up here I can afford to be candid.

EY GET ME SOME PIZZAH I JUST CONQUERED THE WORLD 🌎

... Yeah, baaad idea.

.
We were having one of those weekly after-CCA dinners
When we started talking about the group of Christians who went to the suicide forest in Japan and did prayers,
And I started vocalizing a lot of my thoughts since I've watched a documentary about the forest, and it's messed up and ridiculous how disrespectful some people can get in order to do things for self-gratification. Of course I wasn't talking about the religion itself, but the people

And halfway through, it occurred to me
That everyone at the table was listening to me

That before I knew it,
I had become comfortable enough with these people to say what I truly thought,
To get a little lost in the flow of my thoughts in front of someone apart from family
And that I was daring enough to be myself around these people instead of
Always observing, listening, and being less outspoken.

Right afterward I felt the dynamics of our relationship shift, every so slightly,
As I spoke up so much more, and was my silly little self
"You ever watch ear extraction videos?"
They stared at me for a second.
"It's sooo good."
"Wha- I expected better from you"
"No, it's how they work through it- and persevere- like when you see the light at the end of the tunnel-" (which is a line from our recent play)
And then we just cracked up,

And that was just one of many things I quipped up about after feeling like a certain invisible barrier had been overcome, like it's the last year in this school and I'm finally opening up to show them what lies inside: A strange little potato with a desire to connect, and have fun.


.
Hike today,
And the plan was to plug in earphones and have some romantic alone time alongside some trees,
But someone decided she would walk with me
And I ended up spending a few hours just conversing, conversing, conversing...
That all that fatigue just really got to me
and even after an afternoon nap I am, frankly, reallllyyy tiredd.

Studying will ensue tomorrow-
I spent a lot of time sleeping this week without getting anything done,
And the best part about it is that I'm still not recovered,
Not even close.

It's a happy sort of tired, though.

I just wish that I could get my strength and sharpness of mind back-
It's vexing to feel like a zombie on the outside,
And I want to stop dying from my blocked nose, Pecan Jim, and whatnot.

.
I was telling dad this when he gave the most applicable advice ever:
"Stop talking, rest and relax. You showered yet?"
"Yeah. I have no appetite for dinner though"
"Then go and sleep."
"I slept."

"Go sleep some more."






Oh, dad.
I needed this.