Circles.

I'm not sure if you feel this way, or if I'm the only over-sensitive one

But one side of the family has always felt cold and unfriendly to me.

Today, though

Something about it being the only wedding I've ever attended

Or the fact that everyone's in a slightly more jovial mood-

Being in that tight white dress didn't feel as foreign to me as it would have,

I sipped on cups on fruit punch and mingled, mingled, mingled

-And didn't feel forced, or overly bored.

I jumped around, having in-depth conversations with the photographer and some relatives

One thing for sure in this world:

It is easy to get people to talk about themselves,

And I don't mean this in a I've-got-high-EQ manner, whereby arrogance feeds my soul and my skills;

I mean that it is actually easy- 

If you have the intention to listen, and you're genuinely interested in people without trying too hard to come off that way.

Thing is,

I sometimes do things that don't seem to have much merit to it,

Things like making conversation with a freelance photographer that I'll never see again,
Somehow getting to the pictures she took on vacation,
Why she loves her job,
Her pets, her dog's surgery, her house, her cooking,

And doing the near-meaningless such as her adding me on Facebook

Because there's always something in it for me-

I have trinkets of information on random topics that I use for talking to such people in such fields,

And that in turn teaches me more for future conversations with people of similar interests.

I'm there anyway, so this is a special kind of fun,

The kind of behaviour I want to exhibit wherever I go

... Because I'm sick of feeling self-conscious and out of place,
I want to become sociable and make impressions on people,
I want to be genuine and good at that people thing.

I want not to be stagnant,
I want to overcome this bulkyness about me.

One relative even went so far as to show me most of the pictures in her phone, talking about her vacations and her collections, her devotion to her religion and the events, places, and artifacts.

Another cousin and I somehow ended up on interview tips (even though I hardly have any experience, and she thinks I do), building portfolios for university admission, and so on. (Frankly, I was surprised by how much she was willing to listen, because people can get offended over nothing sometimes.)

I did, however
Shun that one egocentric and narcissistic cousin who does part-time modelling;
I know cuz we've talked and I've seen his writing
That's the kind of empty-headed fool that'd ruin my day
And I guess I make it clear when such emptiness doesn't attract me-
Because he specially came up to say 'hello' at close proximity, waiting for something.

.
The thing about school is that all those people already have preconceived notions about me
N it sounds hypocritical now that I've mentioned that one cousin,
But there's a difference between having proven yourself shallow,
And having it already decided for you without conversation.


I don't think I've said this yet,
But the hostility has levelled up due to the rumours
And it has gotten to a point whereby classmates previously on well terms with me have chosen, deliberately, to not sit next to me in lectures-

And the entire first row is literally vacant;
It's almost as though I have the power for a force field around me,
Repulsive and dangerous
And they're careful to leave about seven seats on either side of me.

Thank goodness I've got someone from another class who sits beside me-
It'd look like the Seventh Lunar Month otherwise.


Ahh... well.

Whenever I talk to them too,
There is this unspoken rule of one-word answers or else they'd contract death from me or something,

They've already decided,
Which is why my attempts at conversation come to complete halts and judgmental stares,
I am condemned from the moment I walk into a room

And I am trying my best to not think about it.




...
Why do we let the littlest humans with pins for a heart affect us so?

All of this is arguably led by a two-faced girl wading in self-pity and jealousy;
But that's about it.


I suppose it's the unfairness of it,
And the extremity,
That constantly nags at me.


Why do we face things we don't deserve, and it's simply because someone else has decided to not let you go, to try to drag you to their hell, and to do so by summoning all the people power they can garner- from hypocrisy and acting-

And you literally have no chance in it?



If this is life,
I beg only to try my best at making it work regardless.

There's something more important,
There is something more important.






.
Have I mentioned that this is, um,
My greatest fear
and it has come true... ?