https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AIuxqfYX7rQ
I've been skipping meals recently.
Well... No surprise there, that's how I cope.
Last night I told myself that enough was enough
I went to the fridge and stuffed some grapes in my mouth.
The bursts of flavour felt a little more than refreshing-
It was more like drinking from a faucet that supplies ice peach tea on a typical Singapore afternoon,
And it felt as though my dehydrated self was slowly gaining my energy back.
I think,
That I reached my limit quite a while back
But I continued maxing it out anyway like a burnt-out credit card strapped for cash cuz
There wasn't much choice; I'd just gone through a hectic week with numerous rehearsals, the final production of my JC school life, a test, a speech competition, an essay that was due
And the general workload.
Some days you get so drained
You lack the energy to hold a pen
-I'm not exaggerating there,
It took all of.my willpower to keep my eyes open in GP
Even though we were told to write an essay
And my brain couldn't conjure up Engrish or Englishes.
The best part was that there was still a test and a performance to go for the exact same day-
And it was after I'd managed to complete an essay an hour before going to school.
After lunch,
I thought to revise a little more right before the test itself
It happened like a reflex: Spectacles came off, and my head was too burdensome to be supported by my tense neck alone. Like a deflated balloon, I felt the rigidness leave my rock-like shoulders
And I slumped, on that table in the library with the annoying renovation works going on around me. It wasn't the ideal situation or location for a nap,
But I was out.
I was out like a light,
And the next thing I knew upon opening my eyes was that I had had one of those transportive light-years-naps that makes you feel like you're stepping out of a salon in the underworld.
I felt a part of my soul return
And this further made me believe in guardian angels specifically (and not god)
Because I'd been granted something I so desperately needed
And I had woken up exactly five minutes before the test period just so I can climb the stairs unrushed, and with my head clear of dizziness.
The only embarrassing part about it (Apart from the fact that people probably saw my sleeping face like a television)
Was that I had left a part of me behind.
Literally;
It wasn't a mere strand, but a puddle of drool on the table,
And instantly I thought of how animals piss on things to mark their territory
Only to feel a little flushed at my own lack of self-control.
Seriously though-
This doesn't happen at all because I have the habit of closing my mouth when I eat, or sleep,
And I guess it only turned out that way because I was that far gone.
The rest of the day turned out alright;
I went through it like I was going through a checklist
And it was all done pretty well in my opinion.
The only thing about this year's performance is that it didn't feel like much: It's interesting to act in a satirical piece but I suppose my preferences lie in emotional connection, and I'd really wanted to try my hand at a musical. All that aside, I wasn't even nervous for it, nor did I desperately hope for important people to come and watch it. (I suppose, that it's due to all the things that have been going on; I didn't have enough energy to fret over those kinds of over sensitive thoughts.)
A simple emotion ran through me
-And I hesitate to share this, because it's like I didn't take it seriously, but I did, and always do for anything I choose to participate in;
I just didn't feel as emotionally invested or as excited as I should have-
I was satisfied that it was over.
By that point,
All I wanted to do
Was to go home, face my emotions about what I learnt about the rumors
Shower, and sleep.
I was too busy with everything else to have dinner even though everyone else in the studio disappeared at different times, organised enough to take care of their bodies before the actual show
And before I knew it
It was midnight,
The makeup I'd put on myself (a pretty good job, I must say) was removed,
The day was over,
And I'd started to cry because I was talking to my parents about it.
A lengthy hot shower,
And I let everything wash itself down the drain clogged with hair,
A little like a honest session with my own exhaustion.
As I somewhat hyperventilated with quiet chokes I felt like something was emptying itself out, and I got this close to vomiting- That's what happens when you don't eat.
That night,
I was too tired to sleep.
The thing is that I tell myself I'm overreacting,
But the thing is I haven't shared it with people other than the close ones,
And I wasn't interested in retaliation or venting.
I just wanted to get it out, and move on.
The next day I had the usual storytelling session
And before that
Fatigue weighed on me so bad
I let go of what the librarian would think of me
And allowed for the eyelids swollen with water retention to lower
Till at last I was utilising the half an hour I had from being early for my own benefit,
Instead of reading extra stories out or to socialise with the kids.
Strangely, I was in the mood for jeans, a hoodie, a bun, and a cup of milk tea even though I was never a fan of it.
Leaning against the bright orange wall printed with (what was it again?)
I let my head cock to the side, exposing my dark circles and mood.
Frankly,
I was feeling quite sick of people;
As an introvert (And I'd never use this as an excuse, only a reason for my weakness)
I needed hours of silence to myself,
And I needed rest.
Then the librarian in charge came over,
And instantly I flipped the switch back on because it wasn't a conscious decision by this point, but a reflex-
And she told me that the manager was coming to watch my session.
A flash,
And I was back to my usual self-
It was performance mode, and even though I didn't feel ready I told myself to make it so.
After the session,
I would shake hands with this soft-spoken guy in a blue shirt and a gentle smile with my rings on because I hadn't thought that far;
He'd ask me why I chose this and I'd all of a sudden be the way I usually am when I have to present myself well
And I would surprise myself,
Not with how I was able to carry myself well despite the zone I was in just forty minutes ago,
But how quickly the change had occurred, a bit like evolution from selection pressures in speed form
And I was too attentive to everything to remember how close I was to throwing up, and how I didn't have lunch, or breakfast, only a song and some water.
All of it worked out well, though.
"I've been wanting to meet you," He'd say, and we'd shake hands.
"You seem like a very seasoned storyteller," He'd say, and ask me if I had had experience doing this before.
"If you ever want a job at NLB, just come and I'll make sure you get in"
I just looked at him.
Honestly the second part of his sentence came out all blurry because I knew his meaning from the first few words, and my mind refused to accept it so easily.
I even hesitated to ask him for a recommendation letter even though it's what I've been working towards, and this is the surest way to getting it if I'd asked him straight out.
I.. suppose..
When you're a little young and a little too sleep deprived to function normally
You hesitate at the important moments-
But that doesn't mean that I've lost it all;
I've just lost an opportunity at an easier method, is all.
"We're lucky to have you." He'd ended,
And by then I was too surprised to do anything but smile as confidently as I could, replying with a simple thank you.
Because this isn't the kind of things you say to be nice,
And you wouldn't phrase it in this way if it is simple, insincere flattery, at least at someone of your position.
I then recalled how the librarian had suddenly permed her hair and applied a full face of makeup, and made sure that she was within two-steps' distance while we talked.
My,
I'm a little too inexperienced for something like this,
And I'm still unsure but at the very least it hadn't seemed to show- Well, very much, anyway-
And I am determined to give it my best shot like I always do.
Don't be complacent, or arrogant,
But it does mean a little something if they've been saying enough things about me to make the manager want to meet me.
At least up here I can be a little more direct, can't I?
One more month of this, and I'm halting all sessions to focus on the As.
Let's hope that the letter/testimonial that I've requested for is well on its way, shall we?
I still can't believe that I'd hesitated..
I guess that's the seventeen-year-old in me,
I guess we all start somewhere.
.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DLWqxqMYlXE
I'll tell you about the speech competition another time;
There is enough boring detail about my life to keep you around.
No comments:
Post a Comment