With a note of melancholy,

I kind of zonked out today;
The headache was becoming too much of a hassle
And I was overcome with a heavy sense of fatigue.

Prac and GP are over- I think I did well.
'The world doesn't need heroes today', vs
'The call for inclusion has gone too far'.

Which do you think I picked?

Why, the latter of course-
I'm really bad with names
But for the sake of GP I'd finally memorised Narendra Modi and not Monendra Madi (I promise you, I'm not making fun of his name- I am thaaaatt bad at these things)
Rodrigo Duterte, Justin Trudeau, and a few others.
The actions and policies are easy to get down since they're like little stories, and are often interesting- But names, man.
Those little words are the bane of my life.

Either way,
I had had all the perfect examples for the first question
But it was too straightforward, and very, very, standard.
Sure I could have talked about the glorification that comes with 'heroes', how that leads to self-righteous actions that contribute to the negativity in the world, how it halts progress instead of bringing it, and the need for issues to be resolved with activists and leaders who bring about change, thereby saving those groups of people, and that'd have been a fun essay in its own right, too
But the second question was simply too alluring for me to ignore,
And I made my decision.

Trust me to pick interest over safety
When grades are this important.


This is like when I wrote on the question 'is obedience always desirable?', or the importance of colour.

Oh, well.
Talking about gender fluidity and the demand for special treatment for groups of people through differentiated terms such as 'a person of color' or 'they' makes for an effect contradictory to its good intentions; it segregates them further because of how carefully people have to tread around shallow words instead of mindsets-
You get the idea,
I had fun with this question.
Perhaps I wouldn't do as well for it, and that's okay.

.
My brother is going mountain climbing again-

I don't understand fit people, I just don't.

I mean..
I climb the- Stairs (look, I even put a capital letter down for it)
... If that counts for something.

Uh.

He makes me feel like the well-earned KFC whose oil I've just done backstrokes in isn't that great an idea, after all.

Screw that health of yours, dude.

.
I haven't had such a great conversation with someone in a loooooooong time.
And by long, I mean that I've almost forgotten what it's like to crack up over something silly and forget that time is passing,
That we can spazz over anime together and debate furiously (with fun, of course) over our reviews of the movie 'A Silent Voice', that we can share enough interests and not be overly similar,
That it can go from trivia to passions to our future,
To the heavier things like the friend I lost because of PW,
that turned out (according to you, since you're a mutual friend)
to have mental instability and a tendency to forget what she did after an outburst.

Truth is,
I wondered if I could have been more understanding,
That if I had known her condition
And understood that stress affected her in a different way than it did me,
That it is why she has stopped coming to school altogether for two months, now (or was it three)
The outcome would still have been the same because her words
Did hurt, in a way that I'm still recovering from

Would I still continue to be a source of support for her-
And if-
If I was a contributing cause-





But I'm human,
And it just wasn't worth it to remain nice to someone who seemed hypocritical and unappreciative,
Or at least that's what I thought

And learning about the truth has made me reconsider things a little.


Either way,
This is the kind of thing you stop thinking about,
And yet still hesitate over;
The kind of thing you know would have played out the same regardless of whether or not you knew beforehand,

That 'goodness' and patience has a limit,

That ultimately,
This is an 'if' question that you don't find answers to,

I could have been more... understanding (?) towards her but it just wasn't worth it-
Well, I don't know, actually.


I really don't.

Still my history of bad friendships has taught me that second chances don't come easy,
That it has never turned out well once I let go of the bullshit they threw at me,
That this was a choice I made for myself-
To be fair to the tears I shed and the injustice I faced.


I want a change for once,
I want to stop attracting people who are either
Bad at heart
Or mentally fragile

I extend help towards those who deserve it
But what if they can't help hurting others, what if it takes a little more concern for that to be overcome?

I'm still learning.



I want to be good to myself,
And I want to be a good person, a good friend, too
But I want to make wise decisions-
Even if it doesn't seem the nicest.


.

Then,
I somehow knew.

Today's conversation was something I haven't felt,
Not in a long while.

And I'd thoroughly enjoyed it.

Before it got too heavy we'd gone on to talk a little about shopping, and clothes,
And you wanted stuff you could try on for prom instead of the low-priced ones disallowed for trying on-

'I've got a dress that would probably suit you, do you want to try it?'

You asked to come to my house,
And I rejected because

It's too soon,
It's too personal and

Just now I finally added your number as a contact,
With a name:
This is progress,
This is rare for me.

And I knew what it meant.



Here's someone who's gotten close enough, who has kinda walked through that door of mine,
And it's only a matter of time before I hold onto this new connection.

I think I might just take this more seriously than I'd intended for it to.



I'll admit-
I miss having a close friend in school.


It's been too long,
And I've finally found a little of what I'm looking for.

Perhaps it's finally the right one,
Although-
I hope how slow it takes me doesn't frazzle you,

And I assure you this isn't an act of desperation because-
We've actually known each other for about two years, now;

It's been gradual awith a touch of tortoise-like slowness,
Which is just the right cup of tea for me.