I still can't forgive myself.

I still am unable to go beyond 'if only I didn't' s,
And I still feel like so much of a failure.

It is an extreme mindset
Because I remember going up to that guy with the humble and genuine speech, telling him heartfelt compliments
Or how I was unable to feel jealousy for the contestant from my school who got first,
Because she's such a lovely and caring person;

I still feel like all of it is my fault
And that I definitely could have done better if only I wasn't condemned by my own mistake.


It's all my fault,
And I feel so diminished for that.

I just..
I just can't seem to forgive myself:
I feel like I screwed up, and so I'm a screwed up person, you know that?

I feel like I can't live with this, because I'm regretting so much.

Bad decision.

You ever feel so genuinely disappointed in yourself
That you feel quite sick-
You've been running on around 4-5 hours per day, with continuous diarrhoea
You can have a national speech competition in one day, get placed third and
Be told that your decision to make a joke in Hokkien, a dialect
'Really cost you', because some did not understand what it meant, and you'd assumed it to be universally known.

Then, you'd cried from disappointment because that's what happens when you feel like you've made a mistake; you've gone on ahead and done something that you thought would work, but didn't
And you can't blame anyone but yourself,
You can't be jealous of those who did better than you,

Because you feel so much respect for them.

End result is that
You convince yourself that you're a failure, that you'd made the worst choice in the impromptu rounds, because when the audience laughed you'd thought that the humour you had was working,

And you just can't accept that it was a mistake, not exactly a lack of skill,
That got you to third place.


I know that it's haughty to cry over something like this,
I know that results isn't everything,
That if we are to be honest regardless and embrace how competitiveness makes us- me,
So concerned over placements and rankings,

Many have coveted this position, and I really shouldn't be crying..

Not when others are more upset because they haven't gotten at least a 'third',
Not when it seems like I'm crying over a trivial reason.


But it felt a little more than that;
It was a mistake that I regretted, and the fact that the judge himself told me that it'd 'cost' me,
It was the fact that it felt like so much of a waste: something I've been working on since April, sacrificing sleep and study time for it-
has crumbled, and it's because of a one, single, bad decision in the heat of the moment.


I feel genuinely disappointed in myself;
My head's spinning and I feel really unwell,
But sleep seems to have deserted me again,


And I just don't think it possible to get rest;

Not until I've gotten over this shitty side of me.



Meanwhile,
Prelims happens in two weeks...
I'll continue revision soon.

The air conditioner's howling.

I wonder if this is what it means to be chasing a dream.

I know it's not a delusion,
Just,
Faraway,
And blurry.

Because it feels like you're on a marathon trying not to stop, then realising that you're actually rooted in one spot on the treadmill, all the while trying to fly to the other extreme end within your mind.

Recently it's gotten better,
Breaks help
And staying hopeful about most things remind you of the good that could be waiting just round the corner.

That's why I'm not giving up,
But that is not to say that I'll shoulder all of this with a smile, either.

Writing helps;
I'm being an emotional wreck right now
So really all I need a warm mug of nostalgic fulfilment
And a hug

But you end up wearing the spikes embedded in your heart
On the outside instead,
Meant to injure, meant to warn, meant also as a call for help.


It can't be this bad for everyone, can it?
Someone just as easily broken down by stress said this aloof line of 'We're just a bunch of kids taking an exam'
And indeed, we are. It's not everything, but will you not admit that as an actual person experiencing it and not a bystander
The impact multiplies tenfold
And you're all of a sudden, more willing to embrace that side of you that can break, that wishes and hopes not to, but does so anyway?

Do not say what you cannot embody;
Do so perhaps as advice but not an opinion,
That is hypocritical and selfish.


.
Still,
I suppose you're right.
It's not the end of the world even if it feels like it,

And I'll just continue feeling better one day, then worse the next.


(How are we capable of so much.. weakness, I don't know.)


But I suppose that's what makes us human,
I suppose that's a part of me regardless.









.
Exams start again on Friday,
We have that same speech competition held on a national scale for the semi-finals on Wednesday.
And there is much to do but I suppose I'll sort out the bitterness of my tears first.


I hope you aren't in this kind of a place-
I hope you get a good night's sleep free from arguments and vigorous anger.

Note to self: Don't make it worse.

Clean your room,
Let not the chaos of your mind become the chaos of your living state;
Eat your meals,
Let not the fatigue you have over what troubles you become the fatigue of life itself;
Groom yourself,
Let not the grime you feel from tear-stained cheeks and too much mucus production become the
Gritty dirt under your overgrown nails, or the grease on your scalp;
Get a haircut and try not to
Let it become another reason for your frustration: You may have met someone who chopped half your head off despite your request, someone who only after doing so does the 'actually you look better with really long hair but it's too late now- FYI it's not my fault for this';
Write your essays,
Let it not become a stranded cycle of self-criticism that renders your mind empty and crossed out paragraphs;
Cry, and cry,
Let it become a way of de-stressing because what else can you do;
Weep, and mutter,
But let it not become a constant state of mind; a weekly meltdown-

Try not to get too angry over the littlest things,
Take;

Care:
Don't shatter when it hasn't even begun.


For there are those who will make it worse for you
And it is up to you to take it in.

Note to self:

Don't,

Don't you dare make it worse.

Feeling vulnerable.

I didn't think it was possible to feel this bad about anything,
But here I am,
Feeling like I'm suspended by a thread-

It's been a week since my last post
But it feels like so so much has happened
Mainly because I go through this cycle of 'Yeah this is possible' in the morning and multifarious thoughts of 'I can't do this' on nights and midnights later on.
I want to leave school the moment I step in,
And I constantly feel like I can't stay on for the never ending schedules of tests and consults.

It's like I'm crashing and burning,
Repeatedly,

And it feels like I replicate that every single day.

I want the diarrhoea to stop,
I want to sleep more
And sleep less to finish more work,

I finally found a good tutor but his family doesn't want him to travel this far for me
And my brother just told relatives about this even though
I really hate it when people are big-mouthed and insensitive enough to not understand that
I didn't want this to be shared, I didn't want this known by more people than is necessary.

Call it stupid pride,
But I care about privacy.

We don't go around sharing things that make us feel terrible about ourselves,
And that relative is someone who happens to judge and jeer,
With comments that don't cut as deep when it's on days whereby you don't feel as weak-

But these days I'm the complete opposite of my bounce-back self,

And I just feel like shit all of the time.

The thing is if I studied just as well despite the emotions I wouldn't be complaining as much,
But it makes me want to run away
And I sit at my desk tearing up while trying to do calculus or figure out why my GP grade can swing from a B to a failed grade so easily,
Then chiding myself for it.


Mom has been really understanding lately;
I don't think people realise this
But the emotional reliance that we have on such people
Is more than we should,
And yet way more trustworthy than we'd trust ourselves to think of it as.

She's leaving tomorrow for a little getaway trip though..
I feel needy and a little whiney,
But I suppose this is the kind of thing you keep quiet about
So let's just settle with chocolate ice cream that you lie to yourself about:
Just one more spoonful,
Then we sleep.