Feeling vulnerable.

I didn't think it was possible to feel this bad about anything,
But here I am,
Feeling like I'm suspended by a thread-

It's been a week since my last post
But it feels like so so much has happened
Mainly because I go through this cycle of 'Yeah this is possible' in the morning and multifarious thoughts of 'I can't do this' on nights and midnights later on.
I want to leave school the moment I step in,
And I constantly feel like I can't stay on for the never ending schedules of tests and consults.

It's like I'm crashing and burning,
Repeatedly,

And it feels like I replicate that every single day.

I want the diarrhoea to stop,
I want to sleep more
And sleep less to finish more work,

I finally found a good tutor but his family doesn't want him to travel this far for me
And my brother just told relatives about this even though
I really hate it when people are big-mouthed and insensitive enough to not understand that
I didn't want this to be shared, I didn't want this known by more people than is necessary.

Call it stupid pride,
But I care about privacy.

We don't go around sharing things that make us feel terrible about ourselves,
And that relative is someone who happens to judge and jeer,
With comments that don't cut as deep when it's on days whereby you don't feel as weak-

But these days I'm the complete opposite of my bounce-back self,

And I just feel like shit all of the time.

The thing is if I studied just as well despite the emotions I wouldn't be complaining as much,
But it makes me want to run away
And I sit at my desk tearing up while trying to do calculus or figure out why my GP grade can swing from a B to a failed grade so easily,
Then chiding myself for it.


Mom has been really understanding lately;
I don't think people realise this
But the emotional reliance that we have on such people
Is more than we should,
And yet way more trustworthy than we'd trust ourselves to think of it as.

She's leaving tomorrow for a little getaway trip though..
I feel needy and a little whiney,
But I suppose this is the kind of thing you keep quiet about
So let's just settle with chocolate ice cream that you lie to yourself about:
Just one more spoonful,
Then we sleep.