Bad decision.

You ever feel so genuinely disappointed in yourself
That you feel quite sick-
You've been running on around 4-5 hours per day, with continuous diarrhoea
You can have a national speech competition in one day, get placed third and
Be told that your decision to make a joke in Hokkien, a dialect
'Really cost you', because some did not understand what it meant, and you'd assumed it to be universally known.

Then, you'd cried from disappointment because that's what happens when you feel like you've made a mistake; you've gone on ahead and done something that you thought would work, but didn't
And you can't blame anyone but yourself,
You can't be jealous of those who did better than you,

Because you feel so much respect for them.

End result is that
You convince yourself that you're a failure, that you'd made the worst choice in the impromptu rounds, because when the audience laughed you'd thought that the humour you had was working,

And you just can't accept that it was a mistake, not exactly a lack of skill,
That got you to third place.


I know that it's haughty to cry over something like this,
I know that results isn't everything,
That if we are to be honest regardless and embrace how competitiveness makes us- me,
So concerned over placements and rankings,

Many have coveted this position, and I really shouldn't be crying..

Not when others are more upset because they haven't gotten at least a 'third',
Not when it seems like I'm crying over a trivial reason.


But it felt a little more than that;
It was a mistake that I regretted, and the fact that the judge himself told me that it'd 'cost' me,
It was the fact that it felt like so much of a waste: something I've been working on since April, sacrificing sleep and study time for it-
has crumbled, and it's because of a one, single, bad decision in the heat of the moment.


I feel genuinely disappointed in myself;
My head's spinning and I feel really unwell,
But sleep seems to have deserted me again,


And I just don't think it possible to get rest;

Not until I've gotten over this shitty side of me.



Meanwhile,
Prelims happens in two weeks...
I'll continue revision soon.