I'm a teenager.
Surprise, surprise.
It would seem that teenagers have this thing called 'teenage angst', whereby they feel angry at pretty much anything and everything in their lives. They become emotional. Rash. Rebellious.
I have been an emotional girl for as long as I remember, so I can't say for sure whether it's 'angst' I feel, or what.
I just know that rather than 'angst', or 'anger', I feel sadness.
I feel a little lost, a little upset, a little tired, a little unsure, a little contradictory.
These thought patterns started developing a few years back. Before I knew it, it had become part of me. And I can't be sure whether it's right or wrong because there is no such thing. There are only expectations. Expectations of yourself from you, or from your loved ones, or society itself.
It is about whether or not you fulfill these expectations, and that by itself cannot tell you, or anyone else for that matter, that you are 'right', or 'wrong'.
I feel like I shouldn't be thinking this way.
I shouldn't have these beliefs.
I shouldn't--- why am I so different from what I should be?
What should I be?
Why should one be so clear of that and be so unsure of what one already is?
I wanna apologize.
But it doesn't solve anything.
It doesn't even mean anything.
But I wanna apologize.
For a selfish reason, I wanna apologize.
That would make us all feel better.
But it doesn't solve anything.
What I see isn't right. What I see can be corrected.
And so I speak up. I tell you guys how I feel it should be like.
Every single time, I'm left wondering, is it me who is overly critical, or you, who is overly protective, loving, and caring that you allow him to be the way he is.
As an older sibling, I should be mature.
I should want the best for him.
What I think is what I believe to be the best for him
But is that correct?
I don't mind being the bad guy.
I don't mind at all.
But I do mind that even after I manage to persuade you to allow me to keep the Samsung Galaxy, you take it back after a month, return it to him, and say that you can't help his... I shouldn't say 'addiction'.
When he throws silly tantrums that mean absolutely nothing.
Am I the one who should stop the preaching, since he's just a kid?
When I don't preach, I stop him with simple reasons, but he continues throwing the tantrums, and the way I see it, he's just a... I shouldn't say it.
Every time I stand up for this belief I personally am so unsure of, I'm told that I'm being overly critical, that he's only a kid, that I'm just being emotional.
Since you guys are who you are, you shouldn't be wrong. But am I really that off the right track?
Maybe I am.
Maybe I'm not.
I only have Mr Bear, so how can I be sure?
I can only try to figure it out.
Perhaps this is just 'angst'.
Perhaps you are right.
Perhaps... But this doesn't solve anything.
I wanna apologize.
For being me, for being so different from what I should be, for not having the same thoughts as you guys have, for not being sorry for being me, for all these... Emotions.
I'm sorry, I must be making things so difficult and frustrating for you.
I'm sorry, I wanna change but then I don't. A person of values is what I aspire to become.
I'm sorry,
But this doesn't solve anything.
It doesn't solve anything at all.
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