'First'

First time going to the Esplanade and staying out till so late with people---real people--- not because of an OELP or event or anything... It was with a bunch of awesome people.

Falling in love with mango sticky rice
Taking pictures of them eating for keepsake and them finding that okay
Having fun together
Watching a tear-jerking beautiful play of a tree and a girl
Taking a walk down the serene and brightly lit Singapore River
Watching a talented live band perform and seeing how a fellow mate get smitten with the saxophone player (he was very charismatic indeed)
Them taking the green line with me as a nice gesture :>
And not minding that I was late =..= cuz I missed the MRT station from reading a book

I need to stop being in this constant 'first' 'first' 'first' zone
As though I came to Earth yesterday

But I can't.

All these blessings...
All these blessings are for some reason bestowed upon me this one year
And I have no idea what I've done to deserve all this.

What's next, the fantasy of having my first sleepover playing poker cards and going crazy coming true?
Or going to East Coast Park,
Or Esplanade again?

It's unbelievable---truly astounding--- that I get to experience what it's like to be a teenager.

Tomorrow, I will go to a classmate's house for the first time in years for a project
It's gonna be so much fun

The excitement from today, yesterday, and tomorrow is so overwhelming I don't feel like sleeping anymore :>

Another diary entry. Don't say I didn't warn you.

My beloved watch broke again :'<

The one from two years ago lasted for 6 or 7 yrs
Even though I took so much more care of it this time round

The quality of this one is disappointing; only 1-2 yrs? C'mon!
(I did only spend 10 mins choosing a $20 one tho, hehheh)

Since the strap decided to disintegrate into two and it can't ever be fixed,
There is now a need to go shopping for a new one.

Perhaps,
I shouldn't purchase a similar looking one once again just because of my silly attachment to objects.

Oh.
This reminds me.

I need to shop for that one and only pair of sandals that broke, too.

There too is the one and only bag I use when I go out.
The strap detached itself the last time. It can still be sewed back tho. So it's fine. :>

#ruleoflifeitseems: If it breaks, fix it. If it breaks for real, buy a twin of it.

It's time to try something new! I... Think.

1 hour.

Achievement unlocked: Functioning on a school day with 1 hour of sleep

Running on adrenaline,

It's a constant battle between stars and spinning grounds

And exciting, interesting events that take it all away

Cramps, dry coughs, cold

Two more days,

And it will improve.

Then can I sit down to process all that's happened these days.

I can do this! ^~^

Can't wait to see her in Singapore!!

Well said. :>

AHH THE CUTENESS IN THIS.
AND THE PUNS.
THE PUNNNNSS.

.
Hm.
Greed, huh...

At the end of the day, it is the strength of your character and how well you stick to your moral values that reins everything in. No one else will know but you, so the temptation must be crazy.
It's amazing how Bubz is so open and genuine with thoughts like these

She has such a beautiful and soothing character...

And this is the reason why she inspires me so much


I wish I had the money and permission to buy her tank top too...

But of course, I too can give in my own way, in my own life, in my teeny tiny world. :)

Need time!

Need a haircut. It's getting too long.

Need time.

Need to wash my shoes. It's fifty shades darker from what it should be.

Need time.

Need to help mum with the chores like before. She's too understanding and sweet.

Need time.

Need sleep. Need I say more?

Need time.

Need to help lil bro with his homework like always. It requires no multitasking for it to work.

Need time.

Need to go for free plays because it's free, dammit! And its plays! Like, hello, plays!!!

Need time.

Need to revise, write and practice a speech, write reports and prepare presentations.
Need time.

Need to get so so so many things done.

Need time!

And of course 

It is extremely smart and efficient

That I shall spend precious time I can spend on annoying sleep that requires ultimate reliance--- complaining about not having enough time.

I can do this.

I CAAN DOOOO THIS.

LETS DO IT

"You don't know how exhausted you actually are until you take a look at the pictures your friend sent you."

I looked like a drunk panda on drugs.

I need sleep so bad.

Soooo baaad.

There's projects homework revision and plays to be watched.

Pffft

Who needs sleep anyway.

I can function on 4-5 hrs for days, even weeks; no prob. No prob at all.

I think this blog is starting to turn into an online diary of my rants, thoughts, feelings, and information about every single event in my life. :< Sorry reader. It's probably only gonna get worse from now.

So, so, so disappointed by a play adaptation of my favorite book.

Look, LOTF was a lit text studied in school and all, but it was beautiful.
Using children and a stranded island to show humankind's inherent evil within...

That's just too godly a book for words.
It made me sob.
Okay fine, I cry a lot at stuffs like these.

But it was indeed a really meaningful book, and 'excitement' alone didn't even explain how I felt right before the show started.
When it ended, it had crushed my idealistic painting of what the play should have been like.
It was too fast paced,
Too shouty,
the important quotes did not appear,
the earth-shattering moments were not captured,
the cast weren't good, nor did they react to each other's lines
It was messy at times, and usage of voice, projection, and acting was nowhere near 'good'
Usage of space and ensemble work could have been amazing if done at precious intervals and certain moments, but it was overdone and the entire play just felt like a group of people scraping the surface of an otherwise rich, deep, and creamy soup.
They only skimmed the foam off.
Granted, there was effort I could see, but.

It didn't work.

If I were one who hadn't read the book beforehand, I wouldn't have known what was going on.

The whole thing felt like it was a bunch of people screaming at each other.
No build up, no tension, no emotions to be felt.
I had held out the bunch of heart strings from within, almost begging them to tug and yank at it...
But they didn't.

My soul is so crushed right now.

It's so crushed. :<

Call me an extreme critic if you will, but when it is one of your favorite books,
You just expect something a little more. Okay, a LOT more. Fine. I'll admit it.

I'm so crushed. :'(
They did not do justice to the book at all.
Ugh.

But at least I got to converse with two very warm-hearted people.
I think... I could go so far as call them a 'friend' now. :>
Mm.. It's pretty early for that tho

Oh wait, I had a point.
Right.
At least the conversation gave me insight into them and other people in the club,

And that just about makes up for my depressed soul at the moment.

But all that aside, I'm really looking forward to the hike tomorrow.

Dear Mdm Mosquitoes, my blood may be delicious and I may secretly hate you,
But I'm excited and ready for it all.
The sweat, grumbling, bonding, fun and little moments most definitely will be something I can hold close to my heart forever and ever.

Can't wait! ;)

Stereotypes

Introverts seem to be romanticized as this quiet species with highly intellectual thoughts and genuine souls, who can't stand small talk and meaningless socializing, and is highly philosophical.
Extroverts seem to be stereotyped as the limelight of the party, who are shallow and who has the god given talent to start conversations with anyone and everyone.

Silence is such an interesting thing.
Many seem to fear it, as though silence is always a sure fire sign of social inadequacy or 'awkwardness'. As though, if two didn't converse with one another, they wouldn't be able to bridge the gaps in between. They are therefore desperate, filling up the voids with anything and everything, making it futile and absolutely unnecessary.
Silence too is seen as the light gust of wind that gently blows, foreshadowing the sandstorm afterward.
But how is there to be a sandstorm if there wasn't any cause to begin with?
Silence doesn't mean anger.
It doesn't mean sadness.
It doesn't always have to mean something.
It is what it is, silence.

To be uncomfortable in silence shows nervousness, which is perfectly fine
But it does show a certain amount of insecurity and lack of comfort around a person, be it due to lack of confidence, sense of security, or familiarity.

Silence too can be that one isn't in fact, thinking of anything at all.
Some of us space out. We are in a world we built from scratch, and we are plotting the next renovation for that marshmallow house on Potato Street 91.
We aren't always brooding over life and philosophical stuffs, you know
So it's pretty amusing when people in general fear silence due to the uncertainty and many possibilities it brings, but respect it so much, for what's unspoken leaves much to the imagination, leading to many of us jumping to the conclusion that the person is thinking of many things when he is in fact, in a blank space that consists only of him.

Introverts are humans too.
Do stop with the assumptions that we are always 'depressed', or 'emo', or 'philosophical'.
I'm sure there's many different types of introverts out there, and while yes, some of us do play into a little of that stereotype: contemplating about life's meaning during our free time
We aren't all that figure of perfection the Internet paints us out to be.

There are people out there who remain quiet not to observe and learn, but due to the fact that they have no answers to give.
There are people out there who are so highly guarded talking becomes a sacrifice, a dangerous door to remain locked forever.
There are people out there who don't speak because speaking is tough and traumatizing.
There are people out there who just smile and nod because they want to see your soul before anyone can see their frown.

Extroverts, too.
The one thing that makes them 'extroverts' is perhaps the fact that they gain energy from spending time with people, which is the opposite of introverts who get it from being alone.
It doesn't mean that they are constantly in a state of zen or optimism with the best things to say about life.
It doesn't mean that they have all the answers.
It doesn't mean that they are shallow; they are just more open with their thoughts, perhaps less guarded, or perhaps just thinking out loud as their method of processing.
They too can be burdened with the expectations of always having to be at the centre of attention with something interesting to say
Just like how introverts can be burdened with always having to be the 'deep' one with insights into everything.

Just because one speaks more, or less,
Doesn't determine one's intellectual capabilities  or personality
It anything, it only means what it technically means: the way one gains energy as a form of 'recharging'.

It is perhaps an outward persona they developed overtime.
It is perhaps the way they deem fit the best to survive in this world.

Besides, extroversion and introversion both exists within every individual
Most of the time, the predominant one is what we are assumed to be.
It is... Pretty restricting and narrow a way of reading people, if you will even call it 'reading'.

It doesn't mean any of those silly assumptions we try so hard to box them into.
C'mon, humans ain't that simple.

Who are you to think that every unique individual can  be so easily classified under a flat, one-dimensional word of 'introvert' or 'extrovert'---which says pretty much nothing about us as a person?

Eyes

There's so many types of eyes

There's the simple ones,

Ones that don't quite have a story to tell,

Ones that neither interesting or boring

Ones that are.. Simple. Which is a good thing.

There's the deep ones,

Ones that have different layers to it,

Each layer is interlaced with a different emotion
So much is left unsaid but left to dance within the shadows of the pupil
It's a smile or a frown, but so much more than that

Ones that you can't stop staring into.

There's the glassy ones,
Ones of a person trying to read you while you do the exact same thing to them
The stare shows little to nothing
But when you remain silent and maintain eye contact without blinking,
A slight smile playing on your lips, like its a serious joke.

These eyes blink slowly to mask the nervousness and awkwardness

Ones that wishes not to be read but to read instead.
Analyzing these ones seems to offend them, and while you knew it all along,
you chose to hug the grenade anyway and it exploded.
So here's a piece of advice: don't ever tell them their fatal flaw out of 'friendship'.
Doesn't end too well :>

Good will can't always be appreciated without tact,
And even with tact, it can't always be appreciated without the right people.
Many cannot withstand 'honesty', but they will appear like they can.
Some will bring you pain for saying what you said.
Some are... Just not worth the saliva.
You need the enzymes for better purposes.


There's the unreadable ones.
Ah, these ones
There's two types:
One, the type that is charming and addictive to look at
Because you know so many emotions and thoughts run beneath that barrier
And that underneath that unpredictability is a beautiful soul with values and beliefs
That the barrier is protection and privacy, not anything you should be wary of

Two, the type that warns you to not be too naïve
Motives and fakery swim beneath it all
Like a bait it tries to lure anything that comes close
So that the person can manipulate the other into a bag of benefits to be devoured

Two of the same kind.
But it's so so different
And needless to say, he has the first.

There too are the gentle ones,
With compassion and love oozing out of them,
Blinking is gentle and slow, simple and soulful
With a melodic tinge of sweetness playing in the background
These are eyes of a soul who wouldn't ever hurt you

Eyes of a mum.
Ones that you probably wouldn't chance upon any time soon in your life.

.
So.
Which 'eye' are you, dear reader?
A combination, or an otherworldly species I have yet to encounter?

Blessings

Went to look at beds with mom today
She thinks mine should be changed since its been used for over a decade

Oh, mom
I am so spoiled

I am such a spoiled kiddo.
Spending so much on a bed for me when the present one is still perfectly fine, for 'quality sleep', in your words
Spending so much on the silly Daiso Japanese plates I fell in love with
Having dinner and dessert together
Letting me have that first bite of your chicken
Being really attentive when I relapsed with swooning of him
Not minding it when I repeatedly whipped out my phone to show you the picture
Or when I repeated the same events over and over with different tones and 'details cuz I missed them out the first time' in my words
>~< (yeah...)

Being family and a friend
Being the one and only who truly knows me
Being that one refuge that never changed, that I could always return to with a beaming smile when the world beat me down

Being my marvelous and beautiful mom.


It really does make me wonder
What did I do to deserve this love?
What did I do to deserve such a great family


Such a loving, caring, jovial, pure-hearted, comical mom

Such a blissful, blissful life

I... I am too blessed. :'>

An eventful day; a precious memory

For the first time in your life, you had on full-face makeup with foundation, contouring and the such

For the first time in your life, you had loads of hair spray on that turned your hair to stiff stringy rocks

For the first time in your life, you experienced what it was like to go for a performance as a team

Watching people apply makeup on others

Getting fascinated by it
Finding it refreshing how guys knew about makeup

Until you are called upon that dreaded chair for the second time in your life

Watching others 'paint' is fun and interesting

But you being the sculpture itself

With others holding brushes and pallets to your face

It suddenly feels like varied torture devices being brought to your face

You close your eyes because it seems appropriate

Feel vulnerable because of it

And end up sitting stiffly with eyes tightly shut,

Counting the seconds to when it finally ends. 

Well...

At least you weren't told to put on mascara on your own like the first time.

That was frightening.

Aaand part of your makeup was done by him
That was a pretty bizarre experience
But heh, it just makes it another reason for my feelings :>

Hair spray, too

You imagined all of your hair detaching from your scalp in a neat piece

You imagined the instructor doing it to go 'oops I did it again'

You imagined your hair going up for sale in a wig shop 

You felt your skin being stretched as she combed and pulled, combed and pulled

With swift and deft fingers, your unruly ponytail had transformed into a neat bun

It felt strange, for you had an image of the ends of your eyes getting pulled up like phoenix eyes

And you walking around with a painted face

No spectacles because you became an ostrich

"If I can't see them, they can't see me"

Ahh, 

But it was great indeed, finally getting to look at your face in the mirror after everything was over
Like a piece of artwork, you can see just how much thought went into blending and evening it out
You see how you have the potential to be in Dance just cuz you now look like one of them
You discreetly (not?) touch your hair non stop since it's so alike to guitar strings you believe you can strum a song with it.
Oh wait, you're not musically inclined.

Oh well.

You might just go through the process of makeup again. :>

Singing on the bus

Giving out a card like some ghost with an uncertain hand

Getting a reply, a rehearsed reply in his head it'd seem 

"I really like it a lot, thank you"

To which you wanted to say

"I really put a lot of thought into it, thank you for thanking me"

Which was all translated into a smile and an awkward nod

Seeing your CCA mates break down before the event

Then completely owning the stage when it was time

Watching SST's performance

Getting awed by how well pulled off it was

Despite being slightly cliched, it was heartwarming

It was believable and relatable

Straightforward, unsophisticated, but simplicity was what made it so good

There's sadness in leaving what you have grown attached to,
But like you said before,
It's more than enough.

Some things are not meant to be reality, but dreaminess on your part
These things are beautiful memories you will hold dear

And having once been part of something so beautiful, so heartwarming, so inspiring
Having once been there with these amazing people, working towards a common goal
With no complexities of life, no darkness, no drama

These will all become part of a wonderful, wonderful memory
A memory of being young
A memory of what you aspired for memories to be.

You can't ask for anything else more,
For there is nothing more to ask for. :>

More than enough. That's right, I can write now.

It's enough.

More than enough, in fact.

I convinced myself to not go forward for a picture with you;
I always do such things.

After all, you don't seem to even remember my name.

I'm such a scaredy silent cat, throwing out questions at myself, and answering it all from within.
I'm trying hard to change,
I am.

But you... See, this is why I like you so.
Such sensitivity to your surroundings.
Such gentlemanliness, to not allow for someone like me to be left out.
Such spontaneity, doing things you think you should without hesitation.

Waving me over
Asking if you can have a picture with me
As though you knew how much it means to me.

Sure, there's nothing more that can take place from now on.

But this is enough.

This is... *deep breath in*

More than enough.

Saw it coming, didn't see it come so soon

But I'm happy.

And it is

More than enough. :>

Thank you, first crazy crush.
I'm glad the first one to get my heart pumping like mad was you.

I'm happy.

Sad.

I don't know.

What's that you say, you fart glitter?

Right, that's perfectly normal isn't it...

In a... State of delusion, dreamy, jumpy, heart rate accelerated, heart rate not moving cuz I'm not breathing, oh wait im breathing, oh uh uh im breathing, right I said that already, uh...

Did you mention you pass out sprinkles?

Right... Right.

Seeing you

Ended up not getting much done :<

... At least the fever and headaches are now gone.

I suppose I'm better :>

It's gonna be such a busy week

Hmm.

It'll be fine ^~^

After all, I'm seeing you today.

Weak and crumbly

Oh no.
I'm feeling weak and crumbly in so many places.
Don't be sick please.

Productiveness went down yesterday
Sleep was there but not useful at all

Work to be done

I shall bring the work to the bed then

Tomorrow
Everything was go as per normal

I can't miss school or CCA.

Hoping to find that one person. I have a feeling you are. But is there a chance for us to get to that stage of discussion?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k0qbZttt0lw

Gurl
That confidence is sexy as hell

Such great music
Such a talented woman
Clean, sophisticated, varied, sexy, meaningful, catchy

"I am not the prettiest you've ever seen, but I have my moments, I have my moments."
"Not the flawless one have never been, but I have my moments, I have my moments."
"I can get a little drunk, I get into all the don't, but on good days I am charming as f***."

C'mon.
Expletives' usage determines its meaning
The tone and context makes it 'rude' or 'cool' or 'funny'
So long as it's not over-the-top unnecessary part-of-your-language thing and done to seem 'cool',
It's fine. It's just words. And more often than not, it hurts when thrown at you only because of the intention to hurt. It's the tone. It's the fact that we associate these vulgarities with crude meanings (well, they are) and the fact that they are used with that intented meaning, that hurts.
There are other words that can just be as rude and hurtful, that are not 'vulgarities'.

The fact that light swearing is used to stress on a point is scientifically proven to help you make a impression cuz it makes you seem passionate about what you're speaking about
Huh
Interesting, huh.

There's so many people who think that swearing is cool when it's not.
There's so many people who frown upon it because society does so, too.
There's so many people who teach their children to not swear cuz it's 'wrong'.

I am one of those people.
It is still a process of coming out of that brainwashed shell
It is still a case of how using expletives makes you appear 'bad'
It is still important to not portray that image to society despite your own views

The fact that I had to put asterisks for the song lyrics above shows just how much of a coward I am
For the fact that I wrote this post may come back to affect me in the future
And the fact that society makes people who swear as 'uneducated' and 'crude' people.

Therefore, I shall educate my little brother to not swear.
To appear 'educated' and 'polite', because that's the way society works.
It judges based on 'impressions', and only see what is visible.
Rebellion is sexy and all, but only when done in the right places.
You need to be able to judge what is worth the rebel, and what requires the rebel.

Right now, making sure that this little devil at home doesn't die too many times in the world we live in is of utmost importance, more so that forcing my own views on him, or on anyone, for that matter.

Well, we will all learn, won't we. ;)

I wonder when you realized how certain things were not meant to be said but kept silent about
I wonder when you found out, that honesty was never the best policy if it wasn't what they wanted to hear
I wonder when you learnt, to just smile and nod at certain things, even if you didn't agree with it
Because rebelling, or being honest, would have gotten you nowhere
And that your feelings are irrelevant, and more importantly was to see to it that the issue was resolved, not your feelings.

Like I said, rebelling is nice. It makes you live and not exist.
But rebelling requires position. It requires support. It needs to be about something more meaningful than just rebelling for the sake of it.
And if you voice out certain views without said criteria,
You will set yourself up for dire consequences that will seek you out in the future.
Society ain't that forgiving. :p

There's so much to be said,
But if you know me,
This is hinting at a recent happening

I wonder
Your views on it

I wonder
If one day I will catch someone in that sieve of mine
To talk about said issues behind closed doors

Besides my parents,
I of course am hoping to meet such a person.

Getting better!

I think I'm getting better at physical contact.
:>

NOW BRING ON THE HUGS AND WEIRD STUFFS

I'M READY (I think.)

Legendary 'Sweet 16'. Ah, but I probably should have posted this on my birthday instead.

Some days there's so much good in it

Huddled under a umbrella, a mate's arm around,
Almost unbearably strong and tight
The bunch of you scurry over to safety

You chuckle, your head sheltered by that one red piece of protection,

Your body and bag feeling the cool water that you know is dirty but love

You kick a friend by accident, grabbing his bag (or whatever it was you grabbed)

And laugh once again

That shelter that didn't work one bit

Worked for the umbrella to be brought out

It worked to fulfill a fantasy of yours.

I would do it again
Any time,
Any day.

The group of you, sharing dishes for lunch

Talking about sex and BDSM with.. Uh... Not absolute maturity but with thought for a fellow mate's part.

She's definitely someone interesting to talk to

"People get off of different things, you shouldn't judge it"

Perfecto. 

She has the confidence and assertiveness to phrase what you have difficulty saying out loud.

It's so... Crazy.

It's so warm.

Who knew that this one year is the one year I stumble upon so many good things?

Who knew, that if I were to look back ten years from now, this would be the one year that's so full of  blessings, that's so crazy and fuzzly and nice... That is the legendary 'Sweet 16'?

Who knew that this would be the rainbow after the storms?

Now, I see so much more without having to go through so many lessons.

I see the good.

I didn't need to think it.

I didn't need to find it.

I see the good.

It's lying there, a piece of land so empty and simplistic

It doesn't glimmer

It's mundane

It doesn't make you feel excruciating pain or mind blowing joy

It's mundane

To them, it's everyday life

But to me

To me.

.

.........

I must have a guardian angel.

I must.

Why else are my fantasies and wishes getting granted one after another?

Angel, I... Thank you so much.

There's nothing I can do except...

Do you want a day off?

Ah, but if you do exist, that leave you take will make it a bad day for me.

Hmmm.

Spoiled brat speaking here: 

Thanks, but please don't leave, even for a bit. I will miss you so. :> 

It's magical

It's magical how I awoke with a runny nose and dizzy brain
And CCA took all that away
Just like how it took away fatigue the other days

It's magical how we could meet again,
Just to have dessert together.
Even though, you disappeared from my mind the moment I stepped into that store with a sale
(Cheap) Notebooks,cards, ribbons and the sort make me so happy it should be illegal :p


I have been so productive these days it's almost unreal

Tonight, I shall aim to sleep before 12
Tomorrow, I shall aim to wake and be early for CCA
Tomorrow and the days from now, I shall aim to be just as productive as ever

Granted, it's an experiment with my limits once again

Ha, but it's all in good fun
So it's fine

Jia you lo! :D

Probably shouldn't be posting this. Probably should remove the other two posts as well. Now cringe, reader. Cringe. You are entitled to it. >:

Every inch of my body is aching
Almost every day has something due
Sleep is... Redundant as usual

But it's fine
The next seven days will be amazing

Because,
You are in it.

GAHHH IM SO SORRY ALL THESE POSTS END UP SAYING THE SAME THANG.
I JUST. JUST.

GAHH

Another post about you. Reader's discretion is advised.

I really really really really really really like you

I really wanna stop
But I just gotta taste for it
I feel like I could fly with the ball on the moon

I feel like I could die walking up to the room, oh yeah

It's way too soon, I know this isn't love!
But I need to tell you something (no, I wouldn't dare) >~< AGH.

I really really really really really really like you
And I want you, do you want me, do you want me, too?
I really really really really really really like you
And I want you, do you want me, do you want me, too?

Oh, did I say too much?
I'm so in my head
When we're out of touch
I really really really really really really like you
And I want you, do you want me, do you want me, too?

It's like everything you say is a sweet revelation (please do pardon my cringeworthy delusions)
All I wanna do is get into your head (mm. Sounds enticing.)

Who gave you eyes like that? 
(Yeah... Nuff said bout that...)
Said you could keep them
I don't know how to act
The way I should be leaving
I'm running out of time
Going out of my mind
I need to tell you something
Yeah, I need to tell you something

I really really really really really really like you
And I want you, do you want me, do you want me, too?
I really really really really really really like you
And I want you, do you want me, do you want me, too?

.
I should be letting go of this soon.
... I should.
After all, I have no inkling of the person you really are.
Your soul is beautiful, that is not to be doubted.
But am I crazy about the portrait I painted of you,
Or are you that exact image in my faulty brain?

Sighpie.
There are no possibilities of mutual feelings.
There are no possibilities of getting to know you for real either.

It's probably just the hormones. :<

Let time do the job, I suppose.

"I am so obvious."

One look is all it takes.

You,

You.

You probably already know, since you read people so easily.

I must be so blatantly obvious to you.

Aaaand that's probably why I'm so into you.

Beautiful story, beautiful songs

"I'm so used to being used"

"Convinced we were broken inside, inside."

This is a beautiful song.
I do not have the capability to sit through the movie with the maturity I should have regarding the subject, so I haven't. But I have read through parts of the book, skipping through the explicit ones.
I am on a current mission to finishing the trilogy.

The story is beautiful.
A soul that's so broken, saved by a soul so pure.
The explicit content is useful in getting sales, and makes it exciting for many,
But for me, minus all that, the plot is great.

BDSM however, can be a way of spicing up your bedroom life.
Or so I read online. Searching about it to learn more about the world left me a little shaken/ embarrassed/shocked/wow...okay.

Like I said, the current me lacks the capacity.
But if you are into that and find it enjoyable, then sure, go ahead with it. As long as it does no harm to people, there's no reason for the controversies.


The songs are really good too.
And I'm really glad I had this sudden rush of wanting to search for the songs---out of the blue.

Music really does have a way of going into your heart

 Digging out the rotting debris inside, inside.

There's no appropriate title because my heart is so cluttered it's all turning blank.

When you are upset
Not by one prick but nests of creepy crawlies
Some built up, some newly formed

The world seems to conspire against you like erupting lava.

Every word, every action, every occurrence

The magic will not be found
The magic has to be within your soul

And if you lose it,

It's gone forever like the sunken Titanic.

It's a downward spiral

You feel yourself sinking, deeper, deeper, into the depths of your very own hell.

It burns, but not really.

It's suffocating, but you can breathe if you want to

It's dark, but the switch is there waiting

Sometimes, you get down here to sort out thoughts
Make decisions. Decide what to get rid of in your life.

Decide that it's negativity, but realize that you are willing to suck all that sour stuff up because...

Because. 

Sometimes, you get down there unknowingly.

Past memories come back to haunt you.

You hate to live in the past, but whenever this rare occurrence decides to reappear,

You crash. You slam on the brakes but you hit the tree anyway.

Blinding lights. Someone called the ambulance.

Oh, but your soul has drifted out of your body again.

Suspended in the air by your own contradictions, you wish to stay out a little longer. 

It's not pain or one dimensional sadness you feel.

Like most humans, it's a vigorous boiling mixture of thick, slimy goo with the occasional floating dead corpse of a mouse. Its mouth hangs open, and goo slips in and out of it accordingly with the swishing of the molten-lava-like substance in the rusty pot.

There's so much on your mind

There's so much.

But all you need right now

Is crawl back into bed,

Have that cup of warm tea

Get into that shell you created

Tomorrow

You will be a new you again.

Flaw

There is a certain flaw in me not many can see or know.

This certain flaw can be considered as a weakness.

It can come across as a first world problem.

It isn't as easily solved.

It can't exactly be solved with just effort, try as I might for all these years.

All I know, is that it's been there from the very first day.

Others feed it, I feed it, you all feed on it unknowingly.

It governed... Governs me.

Well, I do still have a long way to go, after all.

I can improve it like I already have.

I can make it less obvious so you-
None of you finds out. 

I just wish, that the one wound others repeatedly reopen with innocent intentions

Didn't build so much onto the one weakness I'm trying so hard to change

I just wish, that over time, the impact lessened instead of heightening

I just wish, that the feelings wouldn't pile up
Since it's never really mentioned
And when it actually gets brought up, regardless of the tone, none of you realize the severity or the pain it brings me

But
It is my fault.

It's not easy to serve up the softest part of yourself to the table and expect others to dig in with the genuine honesty it takes for you to do the serving.

I am not obvious enough.
What's painfully obvious for me is subtle for you.

You people therefore continue, with your harmless actions that can be so hurtful.

.

This weakness will not, should not, can not become a mindset.

But 

It already has.

Good Square Friday

Thank goodness for Good Friday.

There's finally more time for things to be done,

And I can finally get my 8 hours.

I guess, you could call it a Good Square Friday, huh? :p

Can I come into the out now?

^ This movie really cheered me up on Wednesday, when things weren't that great.
Ahhhh. It's just... SO KYOTE AND WARM AND SWEET AND NICE AND UHH..UHH...

#CUTENESS OVERLOAD :DDD