Recharged

How luxurious it is-- To have a worry-free afternoon nap

It's been forever,

And it feels amazing.

Ah, I know. I'll be happy. I'll gain strength and become a positive person. That's how I will get past the yearning for something as shallow as getting liked by the majority.

The title is my mindset.

Unsure of it when I first chose to believe in it,
I'm glad to announce
Now, at sweet sixteen,
That it is indeed a pretty good one.

Change is not what I'm afraid of

And I now know

Clearer than ever before-

The person I want to be;

The friend I'll be
The worker I'll strive for
The human not everyone likes but who likes herself and her life.

I'll be disliked like always

But I will rock that and become a happy person.

I already have,

But ha.

Believe me,
I will continue to.

Now scram,
Past.

I have learnt all that I could from you.
Anything more will be meaningless self-pity.


It is now time to look forward to the future-

The future I found in this beautiful year

And the future I will have in the coming years.

That?

That, I have faith in.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JGCsyshUU-A

If I chose the path I am thinking of right now, listening to problems of others will be a daily thing. Listening to problems alike to what I once faced will be inevitable, too. When that happens, what is it that one should do?

I remember when I was liked.

I remember when I was so busy replying to and helping others with their homework that I never had time to complete mine.

I remember when I stayed up till 3 to complete projects that weren't graded, that you guys couldn't give two hoots about.

I remember when all you guys did were to ship me with random guys I actually really really disliked

I remember when I kept quiet about the intrusive jokes and insensitive remarks made on a daily basis


I remember when people liked me
I remember when all I felt was loneliness and helplessness
And it was all solely because of the way I never flared up,
Always listened, always smiled, and never cried till that one day.


Suppose-

Suppose I didn't push everything away in anger.

Suppose-

Suppose I carried on without a voice, carried on being that boring character without my own quirks.

Suppose I continued on,
All in fear of getting disliked.

Suppose I never started cultivating my own personality

Suppose I remained that way.


I know what it'd be like:
Constant, repressed days
Fear of losing, fear of hoping

That was the kind of me I didn't want.

That was the kind of life I wanted to incinerate and throw away.

That was why, and how
I am the difficult person you know now.


So when you, a friend-
A friend from the past,
A character who played a role, and whom I once held emotions against
Someone I couldn't love

But couldn't blame

When you, a friend
Told me, two years after that one year of unhappiness
That you are facing something similar.
And what you talked about were exact sentiments I crushed beneath the rotting leaves

Your heart's too big for your body, it's where your feelings hide.
"I look at you and I see myself."

When you told me so,

I couldn't help but be affected.

I have finally stop pitying myself-
It's well over and done with

I no longer burst into tears at the thought of it

In fact, I have stopped thinking about it entirely;
The slope of negativity and indulgence of it was too slippery for one to want to entertain the thought for too long.


But to think that you, too, are facing similar things

I can't help but wonder
If I had remained the same


And if you, like me, take too long to gather up the courage to break through.


.
It took me an entire year to move on.

I don't want to see you go through the same.


I'm over it now
And I am very, very, very glad.

Making people dislike me for the temper I never showed
Making them feel uncomfortable with the gaze I never used to fixate
Making them upset by the remarks I never dared spew

Making myself more human.

Eating alone at lunch
No longer finishing everything for them
Keeping quiet in discussions if they were quiet, too
No longer feeling compelled to do the so-called 'leading' when others passed wistful comments


--Breaking through.

Not a moment has gone by with me regretting that choice.

Not a moment of looking back has existed in my pursue of isolation.

Forgiveness is almost done
Forgetting is impossible

But if there's one thing I want you to know, friend

It is that I don't regret it one bit

And ruining that pretty shell I created in the past was the best decision I have ever made.

So
Don't say that you sometimes wish you were still the you 'from before'.

Because honestly,

Happiness is all that's waiting on the other side of the door.

I promise you.

Once you wade past the corpses of disdain and shallow critique at your 'change'
Once you stop pitying yourself
Once you make the choice to stop blaming others for your own indecisiveness and desperation at getting welcomed

Once you see that life as it is is very much in control
You just had to sacrifice in order to make things happen

'Change' was always good
And that 'change' sometimes meant 'Growth'
That it is extremely necessary


That is the one day you wake up without the tears and anger.

That is the one day you chuckle at how all those troubles were brought upon you by someone none other than yourself,
That all of it wasn't actually that bad,
That you can finally move on from there.

That,

Is the one day you begin smiling genuinely, all the time.

A subtle sweetness at the thought of you. Ah, yes... It still exists.

It's unfair.

You pay so much attention to detail and people
That individually they all think that they're special
And that to you, they mean something a little more.

You're caring and good with words
Nice and knowing of the exact things to do in situations

People all think that they are being treated differently.

It's unfair

Because you've done the same thing to me
And it leaves me wondering.

Knowing the way you are
Knowing that that was partially the reason for my attraction towards you: Observance and maturity
Knowing that I was probably nothing more than another human you deemed interesting like all the others-

Knowing,
Then realizing.

Hoping,
Then knowing.

It's so unfair.

That you're so charming without trying
And every single human thinks the same way I do

It's unfair

Because I don't know what you're thinking
And that's precisely what drives me into a frenzy around you

It's unfair
That you are so lovable
And so unknowingly so, too

It's unfair
That you aren't to blame for sending all these false signals
And it is precisely this ignorance and natural charm that makes me crush so hard on you.

It's unfair
Cuz I was the only one whose mouth widened into an uncontrollable grin when I saw that it was you, and it was you who would stay for the next few months
While you carried on with that unreadable expression and all-knowing eyes

It's unfair
That I was the one who went up to you with an awkward line of 'When's your birthday?'
With no tact and the worst timing possible
While you looked at me with those eyes and half-smile
Before you walked off with me regretting the silly outburst


It's unfair;

That I'll never see you again
And all the memories are exact copies of what others have of you.

I am nothing special
But you're everything of that.

Entering and leaving just like that-

How... Unfair.

Sometimes perfection is the last thing on my mind.

I get this ball of energy sometimes.

It's like a furling with microscopic prickles;

It starts from somewhere unknown 

And sends motor impulses to the effector,

Ordering it to get paper and pencil

With music like the one previously linked,

The hand moves on its own

And the mind almost blanks

Random things pop up

And the drawing is finished before you know it.

Gaunt, black and white, sketchy, empty looking and coarse.

It's nowhere near pretty

And family tells you it's 'terrifying'.

Nightmarish eyebrows-

You had, in that moment, felt compelled to flare it out.

Wild, messy

For some reason you felt engrossed, agitated even

That you didn't care that imperfections were what ruled this drawing

And it wasn't 'aesthetically appealing'.

The eyes always looks empty if the lips aren't smiling;

Akin to how you feel at times.

Shapeless lips and rowdy shading

It's as though something takes over you for a second

Usage of the pencil is not even close to being delicate.
You are careless, ugly, yearning and impatient.
You can never care less.

And boom

The drawing is complete

Completely-

Unattractive and unworthy of gaining approval when feasted upon by the eyes.

You don't understand;

You never do.

It just felt really, really, really great to let everything go in that moment

Before you return to drawing sparkly eyes and precise shapes and lines

And before you try to make things look 'good' again.

After all
You do get really bored of the doodles that you sketch whenever there's time.
Flat, one-dimensional, not attractive enough to make you hold your breath,
But not rough enough to send shivers down your spine either.

Somehow, the doodles always end up looking the same: emotionless and striving for the same standard of 'ideal'. It's always a futile attempt at perfection and beauty.

That kind of middle line is boring.

That kind of drawing isn't what I want to continue.

I want to explore.

I'm not trying to improve my skills anymore-
There's no meaning since drawing is what I like,
And there isn't a point in striving for appearances when all you like doing is using the action itself as a way of recharging and expression.

Since I'm not planning to use drawing in any way other than for my own critiques and experimentation, 'improving' has gradually become  so unimportant that it has fallen off the list.

All I wanna do
And probably will do

Is to improve on how I express myself through drawing.

'Improvement' to me only means something that way.

And that
Is to vent and show,
Via the callouses in my creations
And cringey skills

Everything from within.

So
I want to tear through paper and hate my drawings.
I want to sketch and make it lifeless and hot
I want to melt through all those fine lines and careful coloring I used to do.

This feels very much like an insult to Art itself,
But paper and pencil to me isn't something to be used for beauty.

Perhaps, it is an unspoken rule that 'beauty', 'emotions' and 'meaning' have to come hand in hand

But to me,
It doesn't.



It doesn't.

Dem feelz

花千骨

How depressing--- and how beautiful.

Doesn't it just make you shiver at how soulful the voice is. :>

Uh.. Directors? Please, come up with better plots than these.

It absolutely pisses me off to watch terrible movies.

Especially those inclusive of romance,
And all that's going on is the physical attraction the characters have for one another.

How do you get the hots for someone just for their face?

I fail to comprehend this.

Well uh you would get attracted at first glance
Everyone's shallow to that extent
I'm not denying this

But that shouldn't be the sole reason for your attraction.

That shouldn't make you serious enough.

Especially so,
If the personality is really terrible
And it's dismissed as 'having character'.

Like hello?!
'Character' is so so so so sooooo far away from being a rude and selfish person!

You do not fall for someone who wouldn't sacrifice a single thing for you.
You do not fall for someone who kisses you whilst having a girlfriend, then breaks away saying he 'can't do it'!

Nonononononono!
I say no.
I say. No.
Nay.
Never.

It's absolutely-
Gosh I'm so pissed.

I gotta go watch some other movie to get over this trauma. :<

I know; I'm not easy to get along with.

You attract people alike to you as you grow older.

It would seem as though it's due to the classes I take or the decisions I make;
But somehow, you end up with people with boundaries and difficult personas
Somehow, you meet those alike to your type, and those not alike to it but whom are still similar in a sense
Somehow, there no longer seems to be a need for 'fitting in',
Cuz you attract similar people
And it's either you get along at first and end up not being suitable for one another
Or you meet those (one) that you fall for rather quickly.

I have misunderstood something for a long time now,
But now it makes sense.

People I end up meeting are mostly either really warm and friendly, or rather difficult to get along with once you get too close.
The former gives everyone the impression of being an admirer
While the latter gives the first impression of being soulmates

I'm not categorizing here

It's just really interesting how change has brought me not just a change of heart but a change of environment and people as well.

Perhaps,
That too means that I am someone like them

And that is very warming to know.

"You'd look good in dark blue."

Went shopping with a friend yesterday. :>

Since it was the first time,
I honestly didn't know what to expect.

Whatsapping each other pictures of outfit ideas for the next day
Having lunch together
Talking---all the time
Giving each other suggestions on what clothes to buy and what not to
Telling the other person of the color that suits her-

Everything not overly girly and yet still unbelievably so.

Since it was the first time,
You were very much blown away.

After all,
You have always thought of others' opinions as to be taken with a pinch of salt, and others' company to not be relied upon for your own decisions.

Shopping with humans was always seen as frustrating since they liked too much noise, and voiced opinions weren't always true. It was seen as meaningless since you liked making decisions--especially money-wise ones---alone, and after much hesitation.
Disagreeing with them wasn't nice either;
They only thought of whatever they thought of.

You had to be polite in rejecting their ideas
And you didn't exactly have the luxury of your own pace in deciding.


To have someone else by your side feels weird,
But it really wasn't as bad as you imagined it to be
Or had experienced before.



Despite it being the first time,
You really enjoyed it
And it was worth the energy and effort it took to go out with someone like this, doing what normal teenage girls do
It's worth it even if you aren't used to it and would still prefer shopping alone like you always did.

It's worth it,
And you aren't sure whether you'd want to
But would still go for
If another opportunity like this arises.

Be still my thumping heart xD

Constantly losing sleep over nerves or excitement,
It's no wonder one always feels tired.

I'm supposed to be asleep for another two hours before the day truly begins,

But it's fine

Cuz I'm bursting with excitement

And I can't wait. :D

Scattered glass beads

Somehow the term 'love' has been appearing and reappearing, time and again in my life this year.
For some reason, I'm always chancing upon it.

For some reason, it's there wherever I am, whoever it is that I am with, and whatever it is that I am doing.

It's such a strange term--- Not exactly thought about and not ever really taken into consideration, it always comes as shock when questions about it pop up.

"How do you find true love?"

"Have you ever wondered.. Why do we love?"

"Sometimes the feelings between friends.. Is a type of love."


The answers you gave in the moment were always too shallow.

The answers you truly would have given would always pop up days after, and you would wait in anticipation to break it to the other party.

You sometimes wish you thought quickly about things,
But jumping to conclusions ain't your forte and it just doesn't come naturally as quick

Concepts like 'love' are abstract like everything else,
But you honestly have never wondered as much about it
Or you have, but never dwelled on it for long.

Other than family and friendship,
The concept of love itself
Be it in the familial sense, between friends, or romantically speaking

Has never really played a key role in the way your dictionary functions.

You never used to describe things as stuff you 'loved'.

It was always a 'like', for feelings of attraction were denoted by the term,
And it would be forgivable if it turned out to be fickle or unreliable

If it were to change,
One wouldn't feel bad
One wouldn't be scared

Because it is shallow,
It is unfaithful.

Not to be trusted
And unbelievably out of reach-

That was what 'like' meant.

And now,

'Love'.


.
I wish I had answers
But I don't really.

I need my family and they need me.
I like my friends but they can always leave.
There aren't that many of them
For I'm always pushing
And they're always leaving
Except for one.


None of it is trustworthy

So how should I 'Love'?

.

But now, it feels like I do.

I do love,
And I do like.

I love life,

And I love you.

Even if we haven't gotten that close yet
And even if you will leave regardless.

Perhaps, 'love' has always been present
And I never really paid attention to it.

Family is more than ties
Friends are more than connections
Hobbies are more than interests
Life is more than a series of emotions and events

And we are all more than it all.

We inspire love.
We create it.

Therefore, we crave it.

Is that so?

Teeheehee :D

Exams ended today.

Cleaned my room of the stacks of papers and textbooks
Abandoned all of them to rot in the Corner of Desolation
Had a lengthy and cold shower that kills Earth
Lunch from Subway with that favorite cookie and drink
Watched a movie and cried (of course)
Completed a twelve-episode anime series from start to finish
Had pizza for dinner
Made plans for the days ahead (should have done this before exams ended.. But I tried to abstain from distractions so I didn't. Speaking of which, I haven't listened to any songs but instrumentals for three weeks now. Only through such self-limitation do you realize the extent of your reliance and addiction to music; for whenever you could, you would have.) (Blogging, too. Food, oily delicious unhealthy heaty and expensive, showers, overly long and wasteful. Everythangg.)


.
....Whew.

Whew, I say.

Exams are over.
I feel a little weird.

There's teachers to thank and things to do
Piled up high, there's things I gotta do
Movies to watch and vlogs to catch up on
Decisions to make and research for the sake of that
People to ask and people not to mention it to

It's time to start thinking;

To stop thinking.

Well, at least for a little.

For all that's left now is a week's insane relaxation and play before revving up once more for the Mandarin national exam in November.


But hah.
Hahaha.

We'll leave that for later.

Cuz, well

WHO AM I TRYING TO KID I AM NOT ACTUALLY THAT CALM ABOUT ALL DIS HAZZ
THIS RIGHT HERE IS MY EXACT SENTIMENTS AT THE ENDING OF A MONTH'S SLOGGING FITFUL SLEEP AND ABSTINENCE FROM ALL THAT I LOVE.
I FEEL ROYALLY SCREWED AS ALWAYS BUT WHO THE HECK CARES HUH HAHAHAHAHAAHA

LET IT GO LET IT GO LET ALL THE SCREWS COME AND GO
LET IT GO LET IT GO
I DONT REALLY CARE ANYMORE

YUP THAT SONG
IS OVERRRUSEDDDD

LET THE RESULTS ROOOTTTTTT

I CANT DO ANYTHING ANYWAY~

*coughs*

Apparently 'sixteen'  means that I should be more.. Mature about this.

Here, the movie I watched

1:32:00-1:36:15 is the strongest moment for me.

^ Waaaaaayyyyyy too many great moments in this for me to list em all.
It'd be perfect if not for the rushed ending within the last thirty minutes and the fact that the the guy readily threw his family away when his old love for the main character was reignited.
I suppose I was indeed wishing for it
But someone who would throw family away like that, and without hesitation..

That ain't someone I'd deem reliable. :)

That wouldn't be someone I will fall in love with, much less look for if I were to have to leave.

Still
This is definitely one of the best movies I've ever watched.

Still

I am very much in love with it.

Wrinkled dollar bill

It's a truly exquisite feeling to feel like you understand, and in turn, be understood.

Reciprocal of feelings and a similar thought pattern resulting in an atmosphere you can only hope for with the others-

Studying together is only fun when it isn't driven by impure wishes

The fun is in the silence and intense concentration
The fun is in the sharing of chips and gummies
The fun is in the talking of anything and everything as a study break.

The fun is in the companionship
It is to literally sit next to one another and do things as you would when alone.

It is to interpret the term 'to study together' in its most literal form.

It isn't anything like working on a common topic or subject
It isn't in hopes of directly helping one another
It perhaps could be, yet isn't really, for it can not be.

It isn't any of those things condemned onto a damned list.

It is everything on the empty list,
Yet to be listed and filled.

It is
Everything not yet expected or believed
Everything of what once experienced will be chucked away safely within the trove of feathery wishes, rusting and yet protected in the drawer.

It is everything beautiful and magical

It is something to be stashed away with a secretive smile and a locked album.

Speaking of it somehow makes it lose its magic
Writing somehow amplifies the simplicity of it, distorting it into something overly beautified
Thinking too overuses certain elements and turns it into a savoured repetition

But it doesn't change the warmth and airiness that studying with a great friend brings.

And so
It shall be continued--- the thinking, the looking forward, the enjoying, and of course---the stashing.

Some days I unknowingly do stuff like these.

I might have accidentally flashed this blog in a picture meant for schoolwork

Well, not that anyone would notice

But it still feels like something private was exposed.


I might have been tactless in replying to certain people too

And it's not just me; my entire family has the tendency to experience a sudden drop in EQ whenever distracted or overly focused on something else.

This isnt good..

Fun piece of homework

Poem on War: "Sneaky Pants". 

It starts off a little something like this:

We are all good friends.

That is; till death or conflicts do us apart.

What conflict, you say?

Why, that stubby trunk of giggles ate my cookie.

If there's one thing I hate, it's cookie burglars.

No one steals my cookies.

                              No one.

And it was the sticky one with melted chips and gooey bits, too.

So 

I raised my fist,

                 A declaration of war.

Comrades are non-existent unless they share the same pain-

Taking their cookie away was a strategy.

Oh yes, I am smart.

The war zone is already filled with cries of anguish

      Pudgy cannons in the air,

          Ready to take my side.

This is where I strike,

             Because, well, I strategize like that.

Waddling over, my vision blurring, my steps unsteady,

     I take aim.

                 One,

                      Two,

                           Three.

Beneath the chaos is a burning desire to exact revenge.

             Following my lead-

                        Hey, don't look at me like that.

                             I'm a natural leader-

Following my lead,

   They rush forward,

       A slow amble, 

          A time movement both painful and sticky.

Comrades defeat opponents,

    Snatching up what would have been theirs in the first place

        Collating treasure not for the leader buy themselves.

But of course, there too are a few slimy ones who squish and glue themselves to their territory, hiding their share of the treasure beneath smudged shirts.

Those---are the clever ones.

But not as clever as me!

For I have raided five times worth my loss

    I have gotten revenge,

          Led a revolution,

               Inspired a massacre,

And none of them had for a second their radars trained on me.

They fear--- They follow.

And I, Lead.

开心

昨天所发生的一切 真让人心里美美的

Hardened clay and stubborn fingers

You were hoping for something
But it didn't arrive and you were probably forgotten

If it weren't the last time out,
You would have stuck it out and thought of it as fine
It it weren't the last time out,
You would have placed pride, meaning, and a hundred thousand reasons above the compulsion to do something like that.

If it weren't the last time out,
You wouldn't have cared,
Or dared pursue what you really wanted.

Instead of wishing,
This is the one time you would go forward for something like this.


.
You know what it is that you want.
Meaning.

But somehow it all pales in comparison to it being the 'last time out'.

Somehow you would mind---and yet wouldn't--- about asking explicitly for what you want.

It feels really bad to go against your own principals and set goals

But it doesn't matter as much anymore.


You might not enjoy it because of this,

But at least you tried. And that alone makes it worthwhile.


PS. You might be wearing that dress with the holes in the abdomen area, too.
That is, if you don't freak out about the holes.
Why? Cuz it's pretty. :D

Sadness, Joy, Fear, Anger and Disgust

So many cluttered thoughts,

So much happiness,

And so much is in denial.

'It's gonna hit me' she had said

It has already hit me.

A childhood friend will be moving away.
Some of them cca mates are leaving.
All of you are flying off to different places,

And I'm selfishly hogging on to all these memories
Except I'm not doing any good to them like Joy or Sadness.

My control panel's expanded hasn't it

Is my Joy controlling it now?
One doesn't always have to remain happy,
And emotions aren't everything.

But if possible,
I wish things wouldn't go so fast

And change wouldn't occur so quickly

It's happened before

Only that it affected a lot less.




But of course,
You have your own paths to walk
And it's most definitely going to work out regardless

I'm just.. Sad

That it's all never gonna be the same again

And that alone fills me with something that vacates the controllers of my panel.

Flickering light. Which do you follow: Red, Green, or the ever neglected Yellow?

Some of us have a gentle cough.
It sounds like you're feeling weak and need a hug.

Some of us have a deadly cough.
It sounds like a cat under a lawn mower and that you have a highly contagious disease.

When the latter happens,
Most of us forget concern and scoot off like little balloons poked by pins.

To be honest,
The best part about sore throats is that
 1. You can't laugh without starting a coughing fit
  2. You can't sing without everything going off tune
   3. You get so welcomed by people

But enough about coughs.

Today was an amazing day---a short trip out with some really special people
And a performance that was enjoyable despite the flubs

I'm so glad for it.

You guys are just so nice to be around..
And there's only one last outing left
before it all changes along with the flickering traffic man

So I'm most definitely gonna enjoy it to its fullest while it lasts. :)



Next would be revision which has begun and consultations that have been planned
I know what I'm aiming for, but then I don't.

But it's alright, cuz all that matters is that one puts in every ounce of effort there is to make it the best of what one has to offer.
Results are, after all, uncontrollable.
Effort however isn't.

So yeah.

Let's do this!

念书咯～～加油 ;)