Let's gooo!

I'm sorry; I've been overly whiny these days.
Really really needed a break,
and The Guest did just that for me.

It wasn't that things were getting too much for me
but I did start to feel a little stretched,
so taking two hours off really did just make things that much better.

Woke up with a smile today
Fatigue is still there but I'm sleeping more now
And at this current moment I finally feel more like myself again- much more relaxed and airy, I suppose

Now we shall tackle the two tests, presentation, second cca preparation work, and two projects.

I feel so gooood!

Who knew that all it took was a little movie and rest to turn things around?

Stained glass needles.

Nightmare.

Didn't wake up sweaty like the one time it was about a car accident

But, nightmare

And 'unpleasant' should suffice to explain it.

I suppose,

The scary thing is that it was so real,

Felt so cold, and

The people seemed to be slipping through your fingers.


Could it be that I had slept for four hours in the afternoon? Between work and lethargy, sleep seemed the wiser choice, for I can't afford to fall sick.
There's more causes than one for sure
And perhaps it doesn't really matter

But nightmare

It's not the first.

The glowing coin of a moon radiates a cool kind of beauty, as if in all its silence all it wants is to not shatter that balance.

I'll be really frank up here- it's what this is for, after all.

I gotta stop reassuring people
Just so it distracts me from my own tension

I gotta stop
It's only making things worse for me

If it isn't genuine, which it is, I can't be doing it. I can't be offering empty reassurances that I do-mean but-don't-feel-like-giving whenever it's bothering me, too. I can't be using that to make myself feel better.

SYF is on Monday
Let's just do our best
Have fun, but do our very best.

I don't ever want to be one of those people who need constant reassuring.
That is why it's pointless to announce to the world how unready you feel, how nervous you are, how scary it is for you
Did it once and the conversation ended up shifting to how the other party feels more unready than me.. I had to stop because it'd turn into one of those convos

You really shouldn't be surviving on people's words and comments-
You should be your own adviser, your own cushion to fall back on, your own confidante.
Sometimes a little uncertainty slips out,
But that's alright
Cuz all that matters is that ultimately, you aren't waiting around for other people to validate and console you.
I don't want a 'It's good' comment. I want to know what I can improve on; and that's the thing about acting: There are too many instances whereby the instructor doesn't comment on your acting and you have no idea what you should be doing better. After all, mediocre acting isn't what you're striving for here, it's the best- not necessarily the best of the best, but the best that you yourself can offer up.

Times like these I take a little breath,
And blow it out in a little poof.

Ethereal beauty of the night

My life doesn't revolve around this, important as it is.
I'll have to put in my very best,
The feelings are normal,
Words are meaningless,
Have fun and you'll be fine.

That is what you always do
That is what you should do.

But anger is not to be displayed unnecessarily- Picking your battles is an important thing.

I crashed at 2 pm but continued everything anyway-

Some days you're so exhausted you pass a certain point
And all of a sudden,
You're energetic and mildly excitable near midnight.

Finished two books that I've been dragging on for far too long,

Finished a report (fingers crossed, it's approved and alright now)

We shall work on the presentation, essay, test revision and second cca for the next three days.

And if you're getting bored by these mundane updates,

Fear not, for I have a little rant for you.

.

Some people are detestable creatures;

Their faces are like buttons to some arcade game- you have to smack it with all your might to score as high as you possibly can.

I understand that people like attention and check each other out. We are superficial and rather shallow at times.

But every now and then someone comes along

Someone who openly discusses highly uncomfortable objectifying remarks (and I do mean straight out commenting on some girl's underwear)

Someone who is shallow, unbelievably so

Someone who interrupts lessons with questions you know are only there to seek attention 

Someone who thinks he's all that

Someone who looks at girls in a certain manner (you know what I'm talking about)

Someone..

A douchebag, basically.

And this is precisely why I can't understand certain dramas-

You don't fall in love with douchebags. I don't care if it's the bad boy syndrome or anything; you just don't. 

Fallen angels who are broken, hardened and full of profound self loathing like Rochester figures I can understand, but not douchebags.

Mm-hmm, I am not complaining. At all.

I feel like if I say that this week and the next and the one after that (and the one following that) will be the hardest ones yet,
I'd have used up that one opportunity to complain.
So no, I shall not. You get the idea- We're all going to die.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EuJ6UR_pD5s

Let's see:
1 report, 1 presentation, 4 tests, SYF, second cca commitments, 2 individual projects, books I've been dying to read, schoolwork.

It's gonna be a great month ahead, don't ya think? ;)

LETS DO THIS!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

For the first time I stood and listened to the howling winds amidst the storm, and forgot for a second how to breathe.

The performance went well I think :)
Freaked out before that and had a bad day or two,
Worried too much about the dance and just everything in general,
Lost sleep, went quiet, felt bad..
You know me.


Right before the performance it'd felt like nothing would go right
Bruises don't bother you all that much- it's pretty much healed now
The little scratches from friction on one knee is what hurts the most, and yet looks, for some reason, the most minor and unassuming. Plasters will have to do; you can't be a baby and let some tiny pain affect you. The audience doesn't know, and neither do your cca mates. You can't be that soft for something you love so much.

Then the curtains part, and you shift the white cube forward.
Position assumed, the music begins.
Focus on each and every moment, your heart tells you.
That's the way to not let nerves overcome you- Assume control to not be controlled.
Don't tell yourself you can't do it. In fact, don't tell yourself anything.
Just, focus. Focus and let the built in memory take over. At this point in time things are already internalized, so all you need to do is really to just put in your best and enjoy it. Feel the emotions of Jean, and let her bring you into the play. You did it in rehearsals; you can do it again now. Channel energy into your lines and make them heard. Make them count.
Enjoying the process then comes by naturally: It is what you love, after all.

Letting the music take you for that few seconds of dancing worked I think
Not thinking too much in terms of actions you weren't trained to do helped,
And before you knew it, it was the last scene, and it did not feel like you sped through any part or forgot a cue- Although after watching the recording by my sweet brother I see now that there are lines I have to improve on, and improve those I shall, for SYF next Monday.

Then,
it had ended in thunderous applause.

So many of them came.
You received a rose and a pink daisy from classmates- the best gift you've ever received, the first flowers ever,and it was for something you worked so hard to achieve. It really wasn't expected.. And so it was moving.
People said the most pleasant things ever; most compliments were meaningful
And even though one or two didn't come you didn't feel dejected in the least
Because everyone else that mattered, that cared, came.

It is a really beautiful feeling, knowing that your performance, your art, the art all of you came together to create, is appreciated and liked.
Someone I didn't know hugged me and told me to never let anyone get me down, for I was really good up there. And goodness, did that mean loads.
I felt like crying only because it was so sweet the way things too good to be true came true, and because it was over.

You had a hard time falling asleep that night
Because adrenaline hadn't retreated
Excitement thundered on
And the smile on your face refused to curb itself;
It was starting to tire your face
But still you couldn't sleep
And exhausted as you were,
You couldn't help consciously trying to stay awake in the silence of midnight, going over and over again that fifteen minute performance of the day; the hugs that followed, the flowers you received, the way it all played out nicely in the end
Just like what you had wanted
Just like what you had thought it would be.

Thank goodness you were straightforward this time
And all that you wanted to come, came.

There can't be a thing better than that really.

I got my ticket for the long way ride~ :)

So I'd auditioned for this talent-competition-thing in school
Did the (all hail the almighty mainstream boring predicted simple casual) cup song- it's special to me. (I haven't actually watched Pitch Perfect though.. haha)

Never was I capable of learning the cup sequence, nor could I do it whilst singing.. let alone do it all together whilst grasping the right rhythm.

For the sake of the audition I wanted to challenge myself,
And sure enough in three days it was a new skill learnt.

Granted, I didn't get through to the semi finals
It isn't that amazing a feat, nor am I that talented a singer
But the fact remains that I love singing
And I will continue to do so in my very own karaoke box that is the bathroom during showers.

I now have a party trick that I probably will never show
It'll probably be uploaded on youtube or something
Performed in the school canteen if I'm chosen
Done in front of my family and gotten the applause that truly matters
And just, altogether, a great experience regardless.


This is reminiscent of the time you learnt amateur magic tricks for your very first character-- a magician. Back then your acting skills were pretty horrifyingly flat (perhaps it still is now who knows hahah), but learning the tricks transcended some boundaries of your own, and it taught you things.

I suppose,
You really can do anything you set your heart to-
Results is another thing altogether-
You just need to try things out- new things, things you don't ever want to regret not doing---and prove to yourself that you can do stuff.

Such a blessing that something I feel strongly for, I have.

Getting to dance as part of acting.

I want you to come and watch my performance.

It's this Friday; It's a beautiful message we're all trying to convey; It's extremely important to me.
Go sign up for the tickets on your own; Mom and Dad are my first priority and I only have two of those to give out.
I'll be dancing, I'll- We're all doing things waaaay out of our comfort zones due to the change in theaters that are now our instructors, and I really want you to see it.
The acting isn't naturalistic this time; Its abstract, heightened, and extremely refreshing.
I love it. I love acting so much. I love dancing too but this was stretching that out of me...
And I looove that.
The more I practice it however, the more I realize that I don't actually know how to dance. So let's just wing it I suppose. With all my heart, by which I mean all of my amateur skills and attempts... I shall hope not to make the ones who truly know this art-- cringe. Too much, anyway.

It's 100% for every rehearsal, It's full on energy I have to feed.
Jean, you are someone I will never become but emphatize a lot with. Therefore I will do my best to depict you, with my limited skills.
Excitement and shivers are all over me right now, so hopefully that doesn't take away more sleep than it already does. And if you're interested, it's The Art of Making Curry by Verena Tay- To me it's about  what one (not necessarily a woman) has to conform to, and being pushed too far.  It, in short, is about freedom and the courage to pursue it and the happiness that follows.




I never want to stop acting.

One day, I will join a theatre of some sort. I will act and I will meet new people.
Perhaps we will create a theatre of our own, but the idea remains- I want to act.

I didn't join Drama too late either; any earlier and it wouldn't have been the right me at the right time. Any later and I probably wouldn't have experienced the joys of life like last year.
Let me describe physical theatre and theatre to you: The madness you have to exude to be part of it is liberating- It's one of the things that makes life worth living.

.
Then, this piece will be presented once again for SYF.
Then. Time spent on drama for the rest of this year and the next will probably be cut down.
I don't want that.. But it's alright for now, because right after the A levels I will sign things up for myself, and it will most definitely be amazing regardless.

Stress is healthy, and this is only impeding me in terms of energy and strength, not a general upsetting of moods.. But it probably will soon I don't hope.

People keep their public faces and private lives separate, that is a universally known fact.

Sometimes the gap between what they show and what they actually think is greater than is visible, and it's hard to guess correctly- I get that.

So it always amuses me: 'I think you should be more stressed.' and so on

I've always thought that I am extremely easy to read

Granted, you can't read people's lives from their faces, but you sure can catch glimpses of someone's hidden sides at certain moments, no? 

Humans are obvious that way,

But perhaps to some I'm not that open a book.

It surprised me that I surprised you with the fact that physically my body tells me when I get stressed- and I'm not proud of it, nor do I want to be wound so tightly. It is perhaps due to the inward panicking I do that isn't outward, that makes me appear like what I am not.

Right now,

I am sitting in bed,

Counting the minutes to when the day can begin- a rehearsal, a test, a dinner with a new group of people or a staged production of lord of the flies

Because I'd woken up at three instead of seven, just like how I usually wake up an hour before the alarm rings on days where deep down nerves are controlling my sleep pattern. I may not feel my heart rate accelerating, but I can blank out all of a sudden, or get diarrhea, or have fitful sleep and dreams full of tension. Most of all the loss of sleep is starting to frustrate me, since it's such an unproductive thing to do- just the other day I had to spend the rest of the day resting after the hike, and it's because I'd felt a fever coming.

Sigh.. I've ranted enough.

Not that it matters, but it still is a good thing that outwardly, people now see me as laid-back instead of the uptight one others used to think me as.

Meanwhile I am slightly worried about today

I had lost four hours of sleep after all.

Writing in a more extreme tone makes me feel bolder in real life

I think that maybe I haven't been straightforward enough, and that is one of the main reasons for my little grievances.

This time, I'll be upfront about what I think.
This time, if someone gives me attitude for the wrong reasons I am gonna snap at them. Ain't nobody's gotta take shit from anyone, right?

..this time, I'll actually go up to my friends and ask them to come for my performance.
I will not sit and hope and wish and pray that they care enough to remember; I will walk right up to them and spit the details and the dates in their faces.
The ones who don't care enough most definitely wouldn't come otherwise,
But I gotta be frank and honest with what I feel regardless.
A problem's not an issue if you can avoid it- I can solve this; I just have to be more vocal about my desires.
So yes, it matters if you come or not, but it doesn't really, for what matters is that I've told you when my performance is and I've told you to come.
The rest will play itself out nicely, in the end.

For my birthday I will be 'shameless' and remind those around me. When they ask me what I want as presents I will reply that remembering is one, cards are number two, and everything else after that can be at random.
Perhaps I shouldn't reserve too much anymore; I should pick and choose what's to be kept silent and what's to be more open about. Perhaps that would make things better, no?
It's okay even if they forget in the end... I think. :(
It's okay because the ones who truly matter will remember!

Oh, and side note..
I like cuddly fluffy things. Mainstream plushies and notebooks may or may not be what I secretly wish for on birthdays.
Got that?
Yes. Thank you.

Ripple in the dark

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P_dpbetunHc

It's been a while.

I'd thought that March would be the last of my honeymoon,

But it'd appear that it has long since ended on its own accord.

Commitments are finally setting in, and even though achievements aren't my goal I still gotta go all out for these things

Failure is fine; its expected

A tight schedule is alright; its expected

Compromising, working harder, and not feeling good all the time is okay; its expected.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm starting to get a little tired physically

And it's only the beginning.

I feel like I'll fail for all these things

But it ain't stopping me.

We gotta try even before we call it quits, right?

I promise I'll indulge in writing bout my second cca if I fail/don't fail. 

(Either way you'll be subjected to my autobiography, so that's something to look forward to)

My world has expanded again, and I know for sure that it'll only continue to do so from now on.

You've got it all, you lost your mind in the sound. 

Ain't it beautiful?

That meeting new people and experiencing new things always brings you something else
I feel like there are more dimensions to my life now, and if you were to listen to me talk or learn about my life it wouldn't be as restricted and boring (I hope).

The fear, the little panic attacks, the fun, and the expansion of one's views' the best part- Repetition is no longer as common and I'm starting to not worry as much over little things and overcontemplate people. Overflowing emotions don't take over as much and you start to see certain people and events as passing milestones- there isn't a need to magnify negativity and positivity comes from various sources other than yourself.
I could get used to this.. I could like a faster paced lifestyle. Slowing down is up to you after all- I am one to stop and smell the roses whenever I feel like it so it isn't ever a problem- Problem is, I stop for too long at too many stops, and that distracts me way too much.

I'm starting to see and think with a slight difference now, so that's good.

This is precisely what I've signed up for after all- sleepless nights, loads of stuffs to do, days that feel extended and weeks that stretch out like months at times- You know when you've accomplished so many feats in one day and met so many different people the next, the amount of information retained and emotions experienced range from different extremities and you're generally satisfied with yourself at the end of the day? Yeah, that's how it's beginning to feel.
Improving on a report you had a consultation for two days ago feels like amending work from a week ago.

There is something I'm trying to improve on, and that is tuning in and tuning out.
I want to be able to relax once work is completed, and I want to pay full attention to one thing when I'm in a certain space. Drama studio=Drama, School=Work and Friends, Home=Family, homework and relaxation, and so on. Tuning in and out makes you not overthink something when you're doing something else. It helps me focus more, and it re-energizes me whenever I enter a different space.
But yeah, I'm still trying things out and I'll let you know if this works.

And of course, perhaps it mightn't be too much to wish for a full view of the sky in the near future; instead of the little circle at the top of the restricted well.