Not the first time but it's alright. :)

Emily is back to haunt me.

Or rather, she hasn't left yet.

I suppose, it wouldn't go away so soon.

A song played during the show


The gloom remains.
The darkness taunts.

It is now time to purge it all.
I'm sure I'll be absolutely fine. :>

One thing tho.

None of them came for the performance.

Some reasons were valid and understandable
Some were not.






I didn't want it to be obligatory; that's meaningless and forced.
I wanted you to want to come.

That's why I don't ever play the 'friends' card.
...It was too much to wish for wasn't it.

But really, it isn't the first time and you aren't the first bunch.

What really matters is that I had tried my best for this character and that it was a huge step forward, a very different experience, and a great memory.

What's disappointment if you had guessed it, expected it, yet still hoped not to feel it?

It might be a little lonely, even saddening.
But if I rely on any of you for my self worth and emotional well-being,
I'd be long dead by now.

I'm affected, sure.

It's almost like I've turned into that idiot from back then once again.

But I'm blaming it on Emily and the burden she carries.
Okay?

I'll get over it without denying anything.

But now I need a shower.
A nice, long and hot shower.

And sleep.

I haven't had a good night's sleep for quite some time.

Shaking.

Performance was today.

One was so freaked out the night before she didn't sleep the hours needed
In the morning, a blackout happened and dizziness returned to haunt
Lost voices and trembling bodies
The last rehearsal right before the actual event was bland and skimmed.

But people encouraged you and calmed your uncontrollable nerves
They were so nice and warm it worked, and it worked good

One then decided to have fun like before and enjoy Emily and her darkness.
Feed on the energy of the other actors and feed them your own.
Make use of her thumping heart and shallow breathing,
And become Emily.

One really did feel the pain Emily suppressed and hid.

One broke down and mucus drowned out tears.

And apparently, it was good.

One thought it was overacting and barely controlled emotions which should have been more controlled, since certain lines became unplanned slurs and unrehearsed tones.

But apparently it was good.


People hugged you one after another,
Until you stopped being uncomfortable and accepted hugs as they were,
And until you stopped crying and even after that.

Tears, sweat and cheers blurred into a mushy pillow of happiness you didn't think you'd feel, at least not when it'd started off as a pretty bad day and the last rehearsal was terrible.





My hands are shaking right now
I don't want to be cliched or self-absorbed or dramatic

My thoughts are flowing mercury that solidify even before the volcano can erupt.

I don't know what I'm writing.
But I'm so glad I tried out the audition.
I'm so glad that I picked that weird egg monologue.
I'm so glad I put in everything I had.
I'm so glad that everything turned out okay and I really did fufil the promise to myself and bring back something warm and bubbling.

A month's preparation.

I really did make the right choice of trying.

And the people!
Oh god, the people.

They're so nice. :>

Talking Dreams---Echosmith

I want to burrow through all this ignorance and shame and die in it. Right now. Please.

It just came to me that I found out the actual meaning of the phrase 'friends with benefits' a while ago.

How... Embarrassing.

That I used this phrase in a post without knowing what it actually means.

>~<
I honestly did think that it meant 'benefits', not.... I'm so immature I'm sorry. :(

Agh

The things I do.

I should probably find that post and edit it or something.

A confession I think I hid well and which you aren't interested in. Will you still look at me the same again?

Why does it feel so uncomfortable and unnatural to act a little girly?

This question's been bugging you for a long time now.
In fact, this post itself feels real unnatural and cringe-worthy as well
Phrasing something like this which shouldn't be phrased..

Bear with me, reader.




For some reason, shopping for dressy clothes makes you feel uncomfortable, and it seems as though you're not the only one.

You watch beauty gurus not for the tips but to find courage to dress up
You envy the fact that they can give beauty advice so easily and freely, with the only problems of the advice not being good and useful enough.
You can't get over how normal and natural it is for them to want to dress up, to apply nail polish, to put on make up, to buy pretty clothes, to use skincare products, to rave about their girly side with absolutely no awkwardness or restraint.

It makes you wonder about what causes your fear and abstinence from all these.

Doing things like makeup and polish is physically uncomfortable, so it's okay not to do it, or even, to do it.

Getting your first romper, first white dress, first cardigan
The first denim shirt and first pair of black flats
The first pair of shorts which you had first thought to be revealing too much
The first sleeveless top that made you really conscious

The first,
The first.

The first time you finally stopped wearing baggy pants at the knees, flip flops and your mum's shirts to class parties
The first time you tried out polish, disliked it, but still kept it on
The first time you wore a skater skirt out with your cca mates this year, feeling conscious and almost wanting to bring along jeans to change into if you couldn't take it

The first, second and third time you decided to go for it,
You did it even if it didn't feel good.


Gradually
One really does find the courage.
Courage to wear dresses and rompers
To dress and look like any other mainstream girl
To admit and not be afraid of this aspect of you that wants to look nice.

All this stems from a need to change and get rid of your old self
It may been running away, or looking forward.

But either way doesn't matter at all, for all you want to do is just to let it all go and move forward. You want to stop feeling like you need to remain that person from the past, and you want it bad. You don't want to be whom was never concerned about appearances, or whom never dared to show the concern for it, much less pursue it.


And to be honest?

Doing what you want feels so darn good.

Finally embracing this want enough to rave about it here, not caring if it sounds lengthy,  pointless, or  overly personal feels crazy good.

It still is difficult to confess this and to show it,
But you believe that you have finally gained the strength and found the magic in learning to show this girly side of you that has always been present but was always hidden.

There are no actual expectations,after all.

All these expectations were put on your shoulders by yourself.

No one expects you to not want to dress up, be it for the effect or the fun, or both.

No one cares.

People may have laughed at you for it,
But these people are the very ones who'd laughed at you for your looks before you became so conscious of it you decided to start dressing and looking the best you can.

These people's words and laughter or 'jokes' in their terms shouldn't be affecting you.

Not now, not ever.

Not any more.


.
This question seeks for an answer.

And to this day,
Your squiggly mind maps still haven't come up with a clear and concise plan to the exact answer. It only provides mazes with dead ends and wailing sirens that jeer at your awkwardness.

But perhaps,
The answer no longer matters as much.

Perhaps,
This too is a mere issue of self acceptance.

After all, you weren't girly to begin with.
You didn't care, or didn't dare care.

But now, you do.
You want to put in effort into looking good just because it makes you feel good, and is in a way, fun.
It in some ways makes you feel like a normal teenager, too.

It feels cringeworthy and really weird to be writing about or even mentioning this,
But it is high time you faced it and accepted it.

It is a side of you.
And there is nothing wrong with it.

That's all,
And that should be all.

Therefore, let that be all.

Tell me, where does the love go?

Out the window~

But there's no guarantee.

Promise that you'll try your hardest,
Because I don't wanna be loveless.



Can I just say, that I am very much in love with her songs right now.

Oooooooh yes this hits the spot

Certain songs sound rude and insensitive at first glance, but if you get beyond the lyrics that are meant to be sassy and borderline funny, you get to a pretty amazing meaning.

Oh, and side note, I managed to get the links to be opened in another window again.

I'm so good at technology; it only took me a few days to figure out the pushing of a button that was right in front of me all along.

"I feel so fat"

'I'm hungry but I can't eat because I'm trying to lose weight'.

'My thighs! They're disgusting. I can't look at them.'

...These are such disheartening phrases.

Why don't you ever see that what you have is an hourglass figure, with an absolutely proportionate and healthy looking body?

You're not fat...

You're not.

First of all, do you even know the true definition of being 'fat'?

It means to be obese. And obese means being overweight.

And 'overweight' means that your BMI is over 25.

If it's within the healthy range of 18.5 to 25, I fail to see why you're 'fat'.

It may be an attention-seeking phrase or compliment-seeking ploy.

But if it isn't, and you truly think so,

Then there is a problem.

There's a problem because you are believing in something that you're not. 

There's a problem because your self-esteem gets affected, and you start abstaining from cravings or simply eating enough to fill up your stomach.

And that?

That, my friend, is unhealthy.

Your belief in literally starving yourself of your natural physical and mental needs for a more ideal body type is unhealthy, not just for your body but for your mind as well.

Harping on about the cons is useless, so I shan't do it.

You know it better than I do anyway.

But really, you have no idea how saddening it is that friends left and right are always conscious about their weight and would skip meals just so they can lose weight or 'feel thinner'. They would say things like they wish they were thinner or taller, ask for/guess my height and weight, compare it, and make it one more reason to not like their bodies.

You have no inkling of the number of people I know that does this either.

And the thing is, I'm not even that skinny. 

I look healthy, that's all.

Even if I'm dizzy and lethargic half the time. (But that's unrelated...haha)

Please,

Listen to me when I say that being healthy is honestly all that matters.

You don't have to strive for the 'common BMI' of 19 that all your friends have, that leads to your feeling of being fat for a BMI of 21.

You don't have to constantly pinch your forearms and stomach to find out how much 'fat' you need to lose in order to become 'more attractive' or 'ideal'.

You don't have to have a thigh gap or anything.
(Speaking of which, thigh gaps are due to your bone structure, not your flesh) 

Those are mere expectations that you put on yourself.

Listen to me when I say that no one is going to love you less for that extra inch round your waist, or for those curvy thighs you deem 'disgusting'.

Phrases like 'every body type is beautiful' can be hypocritical at times,

And it doesn't help.

But that doesn't mean that you should not accept your body type for what it is born to be---curvy, straight, pear or anything else.

After all, beauty is subjective.

It is extremely understandable that you'd wish for a body type that you weren't born with.

But if it causes you to feel ugly and not see the truth about your health, 

Then it is a mindset and thought pattern that you need to change before it consumes you and your self esteem. 

Striving for improvement is great and all, but it shouldn't be a 'need' that bugs you endlessly, not unless your health is at stake and you really are overweight to the point of possibly getting weight-related health issues.

This is really an issue of self acceptance and liking what you already have.

Exercise and switch to a healthier diet with lesser junk food if it helps you get fitter, but don't starve yourself of the nutrients you require for your growth.

.

That doesn't mean that you slam down and hate on other girls who  "look like"  they don't eat enough either.  Things like calling thigh gaps ugly and overusing phrases like 'real women have curves' is absolutely childish and mean. (After all, the fact that you have two Xs for your last pair of chromosomes is what makes you female, not your body type. That's as silly as saying that 'real' men are tall and buff and tanned.)
For all you know, they may have a large appetite and a naturally high metabolism, and aren't 'anorexic' or 'ugly' like some of you like to say. 

There are people with acne who may have a daily cleansing routine but whom just can't get rid of the pimples due to genes and allergies, or people who are naturally bigger despite exercise and a restricted but healthy diet, or anyone else on the street that you place unfair judgment upon based on appearances alone.

It is really meaningless and cruel that you should be making all these biased, immature, and hurtful comments without prior knowledge about them.

It's so painful to watch 

because neither me nor the world thinks that you are fat or ugly, but you do. You think that just because you don't have a waist of 24 inches or  legs the 'perfect' shape and size, you are 'ugly'.

You think that just because your hips are a little broader, you are not slender enough to be 'pretty'.

And somehow, 

Whatever I say to you turns into a blade that I'd never meant to forge,

That finds that crack within your heart,

That drills and stabs,

That wounds and doesn't forgive.

Please, friend.

Won't you listen to me for once and see the truth about yourself?

You are curvy and well-developed, that's all.

You have a BMI within the healthy range, and that should be all.

You don't have anything to worry about or anything to cut down on.

Let that be all, 

Won't you?

Spot on

This is actually pretty accurate. :>

Try it out wontcha?

Color Oracle

Floppy fish

Unwell again.

Incoming tests.

I need to be stronger but the water isn't helping.

I need to stop..

I was talking to myself at the door when my neighbors returned

Guess what brilliant reason I came up with.

"Oh. Just... Having a casual conversation with the door."

Which was true to some extent.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who starts conversations with non-living objects.
I'm sure everyone sings when they are alone and in the shower too... Right?

Right?!

Puffy and swollen

I cried too much and too hard at a show and now I'm exhausted. :p

Dat acting tho.

Dat script tho.

Damn.

Fuzzy happiness

Heavy, heavy rain hitting gently against the tightly shut windows
Rumbling thunder that resonates within your heart
A warm room you feel protected and cosy in
Alone time, thinking of everything/nothing
With music like this
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cueWoIHosx4

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JrkXqc1Wi2o

I'm gonna make myself a warm cup of coffee or something
Watch a movie
Slump on the bed like a dead fish
Waste some time before revision afterward

Ahhhh~

Good times.

High on caffeine

This writer here did something really wise once again.

She decided that drinking a nice, fragrant warm cup of coffee right before sleep would calm her down and bring sweet dreams.

It ended up being such a constipated pass to Dreamville that got revoked again and again at the customs, with that one very memorable machine that turns into an insistent beeper at the mere sight of you.

A fitful sleep

Waking at intervals of an hour

Staying awake for two whole hours

Waking up with a dazed head

This is so laughable and  =.=  at the same time

Caffeine has never worked on me.

Never.

Or at least I don't remember ever feeling its effects when I needed it the most.

*deflates into a wobbly mess*

Apparently it does now.

And it had to be before a math test, with questions I absolutely knew how to do (had worked so hard on it too!) but didn't have the brain cells to process.

It was such a terrible way to start off a morning right after an exasperating day of conflict.

But I feel better regardless.

Cuz, well

This is actually really funny. :p

Broken pencil

Conflict is pointless and unnecessary.

You lower your volume to avoid that.
It isn't 'more mature' or anything.

One does not simply reject another's view of 'happiness is simple' with an argument and irritation along with a mocking repeat of one's words.

Was it really necessary?

All you know, is that it's really tiring and you lose all strength whenever someone starts up something like this. Maybe you were the one to start it with your 'Try being more positive. You have a point, but there's always something good. It's right there if you believe in it.' After the constant rants about everything 'sucking' so much. Perhaps it was your fault. Perhaps it was insensitive (well, it definitely was) and tactless (definitely so too) to be so blatant, talking about one's views of life and almost forcing it upon another person.

But it doesn't matter.

What matters is if it turns into a pointless quarrel or not.

What matters is that it is totally possible to debate without getting all rude and hurtful.

I am always interested in new viewpoints, but not silly drama.

And. You.

Don't ask me to 'speak normally' because I can't.

I'm tired when people start raising voices and mocking my views rather than a peaceful challenging of it.
I'm tired when I know whatever I say is just gonna cause it to somehow escalate.
I'm tired when I sense that an argument is coming, worthy cause or not.

I stop talking because of that too.
Don't ever try to provoke me further with even smarter comments.


.
I'm not 'more mature'.

So don't ever say that.
Not with that tone.
Not with that voice.

Not with that raise of eyebrows, lift of chin, flare of nostrils and piercing eyes.

This isn't the first time it has happened.

This shouldn't be happening whenever you are feeling not so good.

I don't care who started it or who's right or wrong.

It's just wrong when you make an argument escalate.
It's just wrong when you make a mountain out of a molehill.
It's just wrong when you can totally not accept an idea/view without the snide comments.

It's just so pointless and unnecessary.

No thank you.
I'm still pissed.
This has happened way too many times.

I don't think I have what it takes to understand it, not unless you aregoing through a really tough time---which isn't the case.

But there's nothing to say or do, not about it but for it.

And so this conversation is over.

This friendship probably is, too.

And since I am who I am,

I do not appreciate overly argumentative people
Not one bit.

Especially people who take out their emotions on me.

You may be on a moodswing spree or just feeling down
But that doesn't earn you a right to go around being so...

:(

You're such a good person.
But it's so tiring when we interact.

I am no one to ask you to change.
You are entitled to your own persona.

This just means that I am not for you.


This relationship will continue but not last.

I will make it so.

Emily, don't haunt my sleep tonight.

Having practiced the script before going to bed,
One really does have trouble falling asleep.
One really does find it hard to stay asleep.

Performance's two weeks away
One's losing a little of her voice
There's a need for more practice
More effort, more energy, more.

Today was no good.
For it to be good, there should be a strong voice and abundant energy.
There should be emotions.


One will put in all that she has.

Emily's darkness within will not be for naught.

There's an emptiness from within.
Let it aid in one's acting
Let it not spill over to daily life
Let it stay where it should be


More practice.
More water.
More honey.
More sleep.

More.

看来是我太高估自己了 :>

原来已经放下了

真好。

Two-faced

I think that people who hurt others are really hurt themselves.

Two-faced people are really terrible,
But their dislike for pretty much everyone stems from self hate, self doubt, and therefore jealousy and bitterness. They are not happy with themselves, and therefore fail to see the good in others. Whatever rumors they spread only reflects the ugliness within their hearts.
Ultimately, they may be bad people, but they are not evil.
Forgiveness is not to be expected, and neither is forgetting.
You are entitled to your own wounded heart.
You are entitled to feeling humane emotions.
You are entitled to staying away from such people.
Pity Party---Melanie Martinez

But if you stoop to this actor/actress's level and start spreading rumors about her, too
You are going a little too far.

I understand that you feel anger and resentment.
But karma and justice is not for you to deliver.
What comes around most definitely will go around.
And since these people are already fighting their own battles in silence, they are suffering themselves, and are really just finding their own identity, though albeit through wrong methods.

Friend, I am really really glad that you aren't really spreading rumors and that I got to talk to you in such a heart-to-heart manner after such a long time, witnessing first hand your change in demeanor and thoughts. I'm not going to say or think things like 'I liked you better when you were pure and innocent' or 'I like you better now' because those things are meaningless.
You however will now be able to see things in a clearer way.

And hopefully, that means that you wouldn't be hurt again by similar people.
I sincerely hope so.

Angels, won't you protect this amiable friend of mine that is simple and pure at heart?
Please do. I believe that you exist.
I believe that everyone has one.


Somehow, this two-faced actress has approached me, too.
Justice isn't mine to deliver, either.

If you, a dear reader, are worried about me or even doubting me
Don't.
Rest assured I won't be swayed
Rest assured I won't do anything silly
Rest assured I have unwavering trust in my friends and I feel everything very strongly but it isn't my battle to fight.
I don't think I should fight it either.
I don't think it's fair for this actress.


I know that some of your friends will say stuffs about me.
I know.

Those who matter wouldn't mind.
Those who know me wouldn't believe in any of those things.
And these people say these things out of boredom or mere childishness anyway.

I will act like I know none of what you told me.
Just like the ignorant me from before, who just thought of this actress as someone lonely and cautious with flattery and words.

It's meaningless anyway.

I have emotions, you know.
A whole lot of them, all bunched and scrunched together.
So please don't ever doubt that.
I don't ever want to be misunderstood by you important people.

Not having told people with great advice about this,
I honestly do not know what to choose.
I do not know how to speak of it either.

But my heart tells me that this is the way to go.

And so I shall follow it.

Off to Snoozetown

Packing's done
Preparations are in place
Planning's a-okay too

I think I didn't overpack :>
Its just one backpack with all its compartments utilized to its fullest alongside a small carry-on bag. For once, it wouldn't feel like a trip to Mount Everest for a month with no supplies and humanity around.

I'm all set and ready for the exciting camp at school.

Its gonna be interviews for the sake of learning, not for the sake of it

Its not gonna be showers at home like the others just cuz.

The experience is in leaving home for three nights
If you return home everyday and think of the camp as exhausting and boring,
It will become exhausting and boring.

Where's the joy?

The excitement and fun is right there if you look for it.

And it will most definitely be really enjoyable. :D

I can't wait!

Morning, please roll around quick.
Sleep, please claim me quick.
Dreams, please come quick.

I'm off to Snoozetown real soon.
Hey you. You right there.
You coming?

A letter to you

Am I the reason for your changing whatsapp statuses?

Am I the one who brought you so much pain?

Am I too arrogant to be guessing this?

Is it in fact, not me at all?
If so, I want to ask you if everything's fine.
If so, I hope you are okay.


If I am the reason
You would most probably be reading this right now
You already know the answer
You wouldn't want an apology

But still I am apologetic

Still
It must have been some wrong on my part
It must have been me being misleading in some way
It must have been my fault

But the two words I selfishly want to squeeze in here is what will hurt you

Whatever I'm about to write is hypocritical and unfitting.

You seem too kind to blame me to move on
You seem too mature to find flaws in me to move on
You seem to be too gentle at heart to dislike me to move on

But still
If I am the reason and if you are reading this

You have to move on.

Maybe confrontations aren't your thing
It's okay, it's not my thing either
So if it's you.
I shall explain with my choppy sentences and paragraphs
You shall hear the ugly words I'm capable of spewing.


I'm sorry I don't have the answers you want

I don't know what to say
I want to be friends
I'm not actually that great
I'm not worth your sadness

I acknowledge your feelings
They run deep and remain gentle and strong
They aren't fickle and are really true
You are a great person,
You really are.
That's why I hope to become friends.

If it's me
I don't understand why.
But you most definitely will find someone much better in the future. Someone who will love you unconditionally, someone worth it and who will see you with her two eyes and find you within a mass of faceless crowd.
You are that great.
So don't feel otherwise if you happen to be feeling that way.


I hope that this post itself makes things clear
So that there will be no more guesses and hints
So that it's not dragged out any further
So that you can truthfully move on

Blame me and dislike me if it helps
Even if you're too gentle a soul for that

Throw me out the window of your heart
Close the door that allows lighting to make me look somewhat good to you
Burn the portrait you painted of me

I'm just a very average girl
I want to be friends
But that's not possible, is it
That's hypocritical and selfish

Apologies are not fitting either.

I really don't know what to write or say.
I dont think I should be posting this
It might anger you. Hurt you. Make things worse.

But if you're who I think you are
I hope this helps you, even if it's a little

I hope you find that light to shine away your loneliness and empty bouts of sadness

I hope you let go.
I too am trying to let go of my unrequited first crush.

Or maybe
You already are in the process of doing so.

If so,
I hope you find happiness.

You most definitely will, in the future.
I am, after all, a mere passing phase of a human.
And there are always better options down the road.

Did you see the shooting star tonight?

Lost in your eyes

The feeling of having a crush
A bed of spongy grass so lush
Rolling like a porcupine
Dancing like a little dime

Stars shine, moon rise
Bathed in the warm afterglow
One wonders if wishes do indeed come true

A song
A hum
A chirp
Autumn leaves and wilted flowers
Dirty snow and dented footprints
One wonders if the ombré sky is lonely

A lollipop who's made friends with ants
An earthworm who dug too deep

The butterflies strip out of their flowy dresses
Flit across the bouncy surfaces of lakes
Higher, higher, higher still they go
Like a javelin they are propelled above

And like a parabola
Lower, lower, lower still they go
Like a paper that got its first ink

Lower,
Lower.

Winter has passed.
Green grass peek out from beneath the cold shore of life
Flowers stretch uncertainly, silently donning on colorful hats and shoes
Butterflies stop dancing and resume the hunt

Lower,
Lower

Lower still.

For it is now time to let go, and embrace a new beginning.

Green grass overcrowd the lawn once again.
The once small world is now expanded
Just like how it sprung back after the parabola stopped coming back
It expanded, retracted, and expanded once again

A new beginning after a new beginning is cruel.

It only seems more possible now that what's come has gone.
Letting go isn't so easy is it
But one will manage it
Fallen hard,
One will manage it.

Thank you for coming to mow the overgrown lawn, sunshine.
Thank you for drying the weeds to crisp feathers so light they lose existence.
Thank you for clearing a path for the tiny men to run through for their marathons.
But now it's time for the next season
Since the sunshine has gone to live with the dazzling stars

Keeping the sunshine and warmth within,
One will put on fur coats and stockings and prepare for the next change
One will not revert back to the uncertain flower or shy tuft of grass
One will ride that shooting star and live on the moon.

One will shine bright.
So bright.

Stumbled and fumbling; I'm so glad for the people in my life.

It's frightening.

It's scary
Cuz I had tried so hard to become that character, I felt heavy and drained.
The voice acting probably wasn't good enough in showing it,
But I felt it strongly and awoke with a deep sense of gloom I couldn't shake off.
Gloom from feeling that teeny bit of the character's darkness and inner conflicts.

There wasn't excitement in starting a new day.
I felt, a dark and heavy cloud of gloom.

And there was fear.
Fear that one wouldn't be able to get out of it.
Fear that if one got out of it for today, one wouldn't be able to do it well for tomorrow.
Fear that little things will make me depressed like they did today and I would hurt others with it.

A friend sensed it and was exceptionally nice.
She wasn't as demanding or argumentative in the usual funny/frustrating manner.
You then finally decided to tell her what was going on

It was scary because you would never have done such a thing.

It was scary because it would have sounded stupid and exaggerated even if it was true: "it's 'just acting', and you aren't even that talented. What kind of 'zone' are you talking about?"

Most people wouldn't have believed you.
Most people would have found it cringe-worthy and fake.

For once, you told a friend at school how you felt.
And it felt like a huge weight that got lifted off your shoulders, cliched as it is.

It felt weird,
But for once, you didn't remain silent and believe that no one would care enough to hear you out. For once, you didn't answer your own questions and make decisions in your head in silence. For once, you didn't tell mom first. And it felt... Very good.

Having a friend to tell you something like "Don't read the script so much. I like the current you better. Don't change and lose yourself, you annoying ball of sunshine."
(Dawwwwhhh you. Stahp it.)


It felt
Very good indeed.

It's scary
Cuz now I don't think I can read the script with tears again like last night
And since emotions are such a fragile thing,
Your acting wouldn't even scratch the surface.

But it's okay, because being the happy you is what's you
And acting should be a switch that you turn on and off at will,
Not something that you try so hard to get in you get stuck in it, fearing that if you made the conscientious decision to jump out of it, you would lose it entirely.

It should be a skill that's honed, that you have not the slightest inkling of yet.

Someone once said this to the club when I first joined:
"A good actor gets out of acting at will."
Or something along that line. :p

And so

I shall try my best,
But without making my family or friends worry about me.

Sorry in advance if I act terribly tomorrow, people (and that includes myself)

But I like me without Emily's darkness gnawing at my heart constantly
And that is most definitely the way to go instead of my initial decision.

After all,
I'm happy again.
And perhaps I can be arrogant and self-centered enough to say,
That that includes the people I love, too.

Here,
You, be happy too.

More cheerful music to calm the soul. :>

A challenge for me.

It's gonna be such a hectic term.

It's only been three days of school and there's been career talks, a learning journey, an audition, and there's more to come.
It's soooo exciting.
Somehow you passed the audition and got a role.
How was that possible?
Nay, it shouldn't have happened.
But somehow it did.

I can't believe it.

... I still can't.
Especially since the monologue I prepared was a Humpty Dumpty one and it was just effort, no outstanding portrayal of emotions whatsoever.
It was really fun tho xD
And for the given time period of two days?
I'd call it a good attempt that turned out to be really enjoyable.


.
But of course you are going to put in your very very best for it, talented or not.

It's such an unbelievable opportunity to act, even if it's dramatized reading and everything will be dependent on voices alone.
After all, you have never done emotional characters with dark pasts, depth, and 'emotional complexity' like the teacher said. There's gonna be character development and a whole lot of things you never tried before as well.
This will be real fun and an experience to behold, that's for sure.
Especially so since you learnt from a mate's honesty that you put on an accent when on stage. That came as a shock... You didn't realise it and was never told, so it was embarrassing to find out. But it's great, cuz now that you know it, you can work on it. It's probably just code switching from onstage reading and presenting in the past, so this is just a personal habitual challenge to be overcome.
You are starting to fall for the role you're playing as well.
She's such an interesting character. Happy, strong, vulnerable, breaking, broken, but somewhat held together. She needs to 'break down within herself at certain points but try to hide it'. Ahh, was that good advice. It got me somewhere.
There's still so much more to find out from rereading the script repeatedly. There's still so much more effort to be put in and so much more fun to experience.
There too is going to be the opportunity to find out just what I'm capable of.
There too is the huge step forward, out of my comfort zone, and attempting something I never dared try.
There too are going to be many parts where I will struggle. Arguing. And it has to be without getting all shouty. Truly feeling emotions and creating my very own version of the given character. Acting the ages five-nine without overplaying the Singaporean accent and youth. And so on.
Let's not hope for the best. Let's work for it.
Skilled or not, let's try it out. Let's try our best, and bring back something precious, warm, and bubbling.

The first read-through kinda thing is on Friday.

I can do this.
Fear and doubt is there of course.
But it will get me nowhere except pull me down and make me blank out on stage like I did when I was overly nervous.

And so
I can do this.
I definitely can.

It will be fine!
It will be absolutely fabulous.

.
I'm really really reaaaalllllyyyyy looking forward to everything that's going to happen within this term: a 4-day-3-night camp at school, sleeping with classmates and conducting interviews on working adults. A performance, learning journey, time with friends, time at school, time with the interesting and exciting unknown future.

The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the fact that my choc-fudge-brownie ice cream and durians have to be had in moderation. Worse still, I may have to forsake it.

But still
It's worth it.

And I can't wait.

Oooooh.
Let's kickstart this new busy month with a cheery song, shall we?
Chuwon Chuwon

If you know me, here on maroonforest we readers always pay attention to dem lyrics, apart from the tune. I think you will like it. :>