A confession I think I hid well and which you aren't interested in. Will you still look at me the same again?

Why does it feel so uncomfortable and unnatural to act a little girly?

This question's been bugging you for a long time now.
In fact, this post itself feels real unnatural and cringe-worthy as well
Phrasing something like this which shouldn't be phrased..

Bear with me, reader.




For some reason, shopping for dressy clothes makes you feel uncomfortable, and it seems as though you're not the only one.

You watch beauty gurus not for the tips but to find courage to dress up
You envy the fact that they can give beauty advice so easily and freely, with the only problems of the advice not being good and useful enough.
You can't get over how normal and natural it is for them to want to dress up, to apply nail polish, to put on make up, to buy pretty clothes, to use skincare products, to rave about their girly side with absolutely no awkwardness or restraint.

It makes you wonder about what causes your fear and abstinence from all these.

Doing things like makeup and polish is physically uncomfortable, so it's okay not to do it, or even, to do it.

Getting your first romper, first white dress, first cardigan
The first denim shirt and first pair of black flats
The first pair of shorts which you had first thought to be revealing too much
The first sleeveless top that made you really conscious

The first,
The first.

The first time you finally stopped wearing baggy pants at the knees, flip flops and your mum's shirts to class parties
The first time you tried out polish, disliked it, but still kept it on
The first time you wore a skater skirt out with your cca mates this year, feeling conscious and almost wanting to bring along jeans to change into if you couldn't take it

The first, second and third time you decided to go for it,
You did it even if it didn't feel good.


Gradually
One really does find the courage.
Courage to wear dresses and rompers
To dress and look like any other mainstream girl
To admit and not be afraid of this aspect of you that wants to look nice.

All this stems from a need to change and get rid of your old self
It may been running away, or looking forward.

But either way doesn't matter at all, for all you want to do is just to let it all go and move forward. You want to stop feeling like you need to remain that person from the past, and you want it bad. You don't want to be whom was never concerned about appearances, or whom never dared to show the concern for it, much less pursue it.


And to be honest?

Doing what you want feels so darn good.

Finally embracing this want enough to rave about it here, not caring if it sounds lengthy,  pointless, or  overly personal feels crazy good.

It still is difficult to confess this and to show it,
But you believe that you have finally gained the strength and found the magic in learning to show this girly side of you that has always been present but was always hidden.

There are no actual expectations,after all.

All these expectations were put on your shoulders by yourself.

No one expects you to not want to dress up, be it for the effect or the fun, or both.

No one cares.

People may have laughed at you for it,
But these people are the very ones who'd laughed at you for your looks before you became so conscious of it you decided to start dressing and looking the best you can.

These people's words and laughter or 'jokes' in their terms shouldn't be affecting you.

Not now, not ever.

Not any more.


.
This question seeks for an answer.

And to this day,
Your squiggly mind maps still haven't come up with a clear and concise plan to the exact answer. It only provides mazes with dead ends and wailing sirens that jeer at your awkwardness.

But perhaps,
The answer no longer matters as much.

Perhaps,
This too is a mere issue of self acceptance.

After all, you weren't girly to begin with.
You didn't care, or didn't dare care.

But now, you do.
You want to put in effort into looking good just because it makes you feel good, and is in a way, fun.
It in some ways makes you feel like a normal teenager, too.

It feels cringeworthy and really weird to be writing about or even mentioning this,
But it is high time you faced it and accepted it.

It is a side of you.
And there is nothing wrong with it.

That's all,
And that should be all.

Therefore, let that be all.