Time to studyyyyyy

I have cleaned up my closet.

*coughs*

Yeah, not like that took any effort or time at all.

Goodness me, what an achievement.
I suppose I'll pass for the annual clean-up of my room this time round,
Where I dig out every single thing in here, flip it upside down and rearrange stuffs.

In case you didn't know, my room used to be a storeroom.
It took a couple spring-cleans to get to this stage, but I'm happy with it
And so can afford to be less nitpicky about this- for now, at least.

Let's just leave the huge operation till after the A levels, shall we?

Side note: Half that time spent was really just trying on every single clothing item and sieving through the ones that are never worn, that should be given away/sold/thrown away because I tend to keep broken bags, shirts from decades ago, things that don't fit, and stuffs that I just keep for some reason.

Sentiment shouldn't be my way of life, seriously.

Loved it, actually.

Swiss Army Man

A man stranded on an island tries to commit suicide but gets interrupted by a corpse washed onto the shore. He befriends him, and so begins the surreal journey back home.

^Loosely quoting here, really.

Alllright, let's get this one going.
I've just finished it ten minutes ago, and my mind is fuzzing up with all those stuffs in the film.

And before you go on, lemme warn you, there are perhaps spoilers in this and I strongly recommend you watch it before reading this.

First off, Swiss Army Man is not a movie that you would want to watch if you like straightforward, traditional and logical things. It is whimsical, odd- very, very, odd- hilarious to say the least, exotic, daring, and all in all rather beautiful.
It doesn't provide actual closure, but it isn't open-ended and thought provoking like Life of Pi or other well-known movies that provide endings that are somewhat satisfactory in how it provokes thought.
Rather, it has crude jokes inserted that causes most viewers to detract from the main essence of the film. Those very same jokes however, are really moving and beautiful when it comes down to the meaning of things, and I do agree that this movie is ultimately about celebrating your own uniqueness- thereby making it one of the best films of this year.
Personally, I found it amazing how the corpse is used as a mere prop with flexibility to cater to every situation. When the protagonist requires emotional support, Manny becomes a friend.
When he needs a reason to propel him forward and something to fill up his mind so as to distract him from the messed up thoughts and emotions in him, Manny acquires the role of a young child alike to a new born, and the need to fulfil Manny's need for knowledge forces him to teach and therefore put his burdens aside for the moment.
When that succeeds, Manny 'ages' and becomes a friend, one who does things that are considered gross in others' eyes- obnoxious farting, and so on.
He talks about masturbation openly, both with the innocence and curiosity of a child and the simplicity of honesty. Likely, Manny speaks of Hank's darkest thoughts as well as everyone else's forbidden thoughts, and sheds light on them. By doing so, Hank projects his deepest darkest persona upon Manny and thus succeeds in avoiding responsibility of his own thoughts because it isn't him who is speaking, but Manny, and this helps him face his most hidden sides as an outsider of the entire situation would.
Simply put, he runs away and faces himself simultaneously through the mouthpiece that is Manny, the corpse with no definitive personality.
As the film goes on, hints dropped at Hank's past begins to be explored, and in the same way that masturbation is. To me, it is a metaphor for the taboo, and people's avoidance of talking about it. Whenever it gets too hard for Hank to face things, his and Manny's roles are swapped, and Manny becomes Hank whilst he plays the role of the supportive friend.
At first a simple humourous cross-dressing scene, it later progresses on to signify, in the bus scene where he role plays as the crush that never knew him--- how Hank is truly the master at bending reality to his will, and how he is capable of escaping into different personas in order to mould things to his ideal, or to face the reality that which was not ideal.
The fact that Hank has complete control here is constantly being parodied and subtly made fun of when he takes off his wig the moment  Manny digs into his past in front of his crush, which he imaginarily role-plays. Interestingly enough, Hank both knows that all of it is in his head, and thinks of it as somewhat real.Once again, it starts off funny but quickly gets heavy while still retaining the beauty of it all.
However, he slowly comes to terms with things as the movie goes on, and it isn't exactly the remedy that most of us are accustomed to but a mere way of peeling his character open for the audience to see. As he approaches civilisation and therefore help, he settles down to a conversation in which he fantasizes about staying there forever- And very unsurprisingly, Manny agrees with him. Before this, Manny has been both a great companion and the voice of reason or friendship. He saves him in all senses, from perilous situations and his own grief at the depressing events of the life that he has led.  Here however, he doesn't say what is politically correct, and doesn't remind Hank of the purpose he set out with (which is to escape the deserted island and get help). In a way, he plays the ideal partner that provides the emotional support in the form of words you most want to hear when you're lost and confused and all messed up inside. It's all very sad, but Manny could have been a mouthpiece here once again, parroting Hank's thoughts in the warm manner that Hank craves- friendship.
Hank seeks solace in Manny, be it through facing himself or running away from it or simply needing a place of fantasy to live out his desires for once.

I loved the film up to here,
But it went slightly downhill with the mixing in of reality and how harsh it all is.
What starts off as a theory of Hank possibly cooking up an imaginary friend  in Manny from the holes in his heart or the desperate desire for insanity not to claim him when he's all alone in the forest quickly escalates into insanity, which is a fine line away.
One thing I didn't appreciate was how the media was brought in, and how that alone ridiculed him and therefore the beauty set on the table by Hank and Manny's fragile bond, however 'illogical'. Hank is made to go on camera, and other unnecessary elements are brought in. It felt like a beautiful star-lit picture being tainted with black mud, because the peaceful sanctuary that Hank found in Manny, the companionship, love, acceptance, strength to go on... All became exposed to reality and how it screams logic. The spotlight leaves that bond acquired thus far, and goes straight on to insanity.
The sacredness brought about by the abstract feeling from the film is eradicated,
And Hank's arrest, his crush's reaction to him is as of disgust and shock, all accentuates that.

Then Hank does what some of us would really like to do-
He remains rooted in his belief that Manny is truly alive and he tries to repair that shattered bond- shattered by the bringing in of outsiders- and tries to convince the masses of that.
Of course he fails, and this only further breaks down the delicate balance between insanity and fragile, upsetting imagination used for comfort and solace established from the beginning of the film.

The rest of it, to me, is merely Hank winning over reality yet again with his imagination,
And he either sets both himself and Manny free by letting Manny speed off into the ocean with his farts of cannon, or he simply manages to 'prove' to everyone that Manny was indeed alive. This is a rather feeble attempt at an open ending in my opinion, and I think of the second option as more plausible.
Thing is, Hank once again shatters under the pressure of having to face reality in the form of other people's reactions (and therefore confirmation) of his insanity, and he now whisks himself off (signified by Manny speeding into the ocean) into the land of his own mind and fantasies, this time taking other people's reactions into account because they help strongly in alleviating the grief and stress that he was that close to crumbling under.

All in all, Swiss Army Man is an uncommon movie bursting with creativity and originality. Due to its rarity, it is very easy to get caught on the web of the explicits, such as the plot device of farts and fart jokes, and fail to see past all that to realise just how great of a movie this is.
It is simply an innovation, one dark, slightly silly, slightly ridiculous, and slightly mad, but nonetheless underlined with interesting takeaways and beauty.  Wrapped up in carefully constructed ambience and both crude humour and subtle parodies, the film utilises really good music that is used in time and in appropriation to the moments and dialogues, thereby highlighting all of that rather well.

Perhaps one fatal flaw is its failed attempt at something overly ambitious like meshing reality and fantasies together, and an open ending which doesn't sit quite right, particularly so if you include how they identified Hank as Manny and vice versa.
It attempts to complicate things, and while this swapping of identities may be a confirmation of my theories earlier, it just seems so... excessive.
There were moments which could have been more subtle, such as the 'I had a thought, which led to other thoughts...' , and there were moments which could have been much slower so that the audience can actually catch what the jam packed glimpses were about.

I really enjoyed this movie, but I wasn't a fan of the ending.

And to loosely quote again, it is rather amazing, but when you try to explain it,  it all falls apart..  til you actually see it.

My review's pretty disorganized and all over the place, but I hope I've at least interested you in watching that movie if you haven't already. This is the first proper movie review that I've ever tried my hand at, after all.
Or perhaps
I should just stick to the extremely vocal comments that I've been doing for past posts, since this one right now exposes too much of my (lack of) literary talent.

And yes, the sexual innuendos in this might make you reconsider watching it with someone, particularly one who judges something he is unaccustomed to. The humour is just fantastic though.

And I think this just might be my new favourite movie.

FWP reminds me of an emoji for some reason.

Some days the rain falls in that gentle way that looks like it's suspended in air, trapped in time, lost in the sheer amount present, and confused in that slanted angle by which it floats downwards.
It catches what little sunlight passes through it, sieves it through and gives off a mellow whiteness alike to shaved milk ice in a bowl of refreshing dessert.
When gathered together, it looks almost like sheets of carefully arranged glass tubules that run parellel to each other, determining the one and only route in which the rain can choose to fall in.
And the sweet, soft demeanour of it
As though it were frightened of making its presence known, as though it were afraid of hurting the gravel floor, as though it were terrified of the prospects of even causing a slight disturbance to the quiet of the car park whose circumference consists of blocks and blocks of cements and barred windows, and the peaceful high-rise buildings who in all their arrogance, only ever seem to be rooted in one spot, stagnated and one-dimensional.

Some days,
The rain looks like snow.






Well, not that I'd have any idea of what snow looks like in real life anyway.
.


Sweatpants define luxury;
The amount of comfort that it brings is unreal.

But then again,
It's not like I know what luxury feels like, soooo...

.

Now if you're interested in more first world issues like mine,
Trying to find high waisted shorts is pretty difficult here because for some reason, sizes run extremely small and it's always too short and tiny.
Not that I am extremely tall or round; and not that I mean it in a rude way- it's just that the people here tend to be rather petite and slender, and so manufacturers don't really factor me in I suppose. And as far as a healthy bmi goes, I have never been able to find stylish shorts that fit me.
The same goes for shoes, and even dresses if they're not from typical apparel shops that come from the US.


You can imagine the joy it brought me when I finally managed to get my very first pair of high waisted shorts yesterday, that actually looks half decent, is befitting of my age, n has everything I've been looking for when it comes to shorts.


So yes, I just wanted to share how happy that made me, up here.
Not that you're interested are you (hahaha...ha.)


.
As for shoes, though,
The struggle continues.

.

That satisfaction 🤓

I'm just really happy right now because I've just done the annual looking through of my savings,
And, well, it probably wouldn't be much once I start working and all
But for a student, it's quite a lot- to me at least.
It's more than I've saved in the past, and having been moderate in spending like that really does make me somewhat proud of meself.


...Make a guess at what I'm gonna do with it,
Splur-


Naahh, I really meant to throw it all into the bank.

I'm kinda boring huh :p

Still, I could afford some shopping.
Black Friday would be awesome if it were a huge thing here as well.
Some converse look-alike sneakers would be rather nice,
Since brand doesn't matter whereas design does
Some plaid-ish shirt to feed my ever growing obsession would be great
And some egg tarts from KFC (apparently discontinued a few days ago 😨)
or biscuits from Popeyes would be absolutely beautimous.

Lethargic.

I've been having congee for a few days now because of my cramps and whatnot,
And it's just strange since my period is the type to skip or continue on and off for weeks (some of you'd know what I'm talking about), and I'm almost never free from bloating or a general discomfort.

Perhaps it's time to seek a doc, hm.

Anyways
throwing simple ingredients together really does help:
Rice, water, potatoes, marinated ground pork, a lil bit of stirring and time, and it tastes somewhat decent. I like mine all mashed up into starchy goodness, but most peeps I know don't, so it's up to you how you get it done. Or you could have canned beans (the.. Asian ones? It ain't the ones you have with fries) with the ground pork, or even one egg per bowl of congee if you feel like it. Just don't ever leave out a little garlic and ginger for a more warming effect and a better smell (?)
 I don't really know, it just feels right, heh.
I'm no cook but at the very least when it counts I guess I can afford not to starve and/or poison myself, so that's useful in a way.

Welp
Simmering some apple or pear in water helps, too, for a mellow drink.

Oh and lemon water somehow doesn't cause as much bloating.

I suppose I'm just rambling on now,
But it's so uncomfortable and I'm just wondering when and how it'll all go away.

It goes on!

When there's a pink ribbon Velcro and a chopstick in your frizzy curls
And you're chilling with a mask on for the first time in a long while,
And you juuust so happen to go pantless and braless whilst alone at home

And someone knocks at the door-

Which, exactly, do you correct first?

.

Dreams are strange;
Full of people I know and repeated exams that are already over.
They are jam packed with cold sweat that rains upon me when I awaken,
As well as the erratic heartbeats that come with violent dreams, blood, and running.
I've blacked out for twelve hours again and I've begun revision,
I've finally watched Lord of the Rings and am finally embarking upon the journey of the Harry Potter series,
I've had my pizza and I've got my first buffet date out with friends booked n ready to go.

.

Life goes on and self-pity shouldn't ever be something you swim in,
forever.

Oh, yes. You have to watch this.. you just have to. At first I'd thought it fanservice, but no it wasn't and there is a legitimate gay relationship in a sports anime. Ain't that awesome? It isn't a shounen ai tag, it's real it's happening and it's a legit lgbtq relationship like any other relationship.

That's representation right there,
That's something right there.

Aaaand it's so adorable, too.




.

You know,
I'm glad for the emotions in me.
They sometimes make me feel too much,
But that's the thing;
They make you feel.
They make you, you.

And so I shall always remain,
in that mesh of confusion between fear of loneliness
and a certain detachment from people,
A certain sort of anger at the protests in Taiwan against gay marriage,
And the acceptance that my parents will always remain traditional and closed to it,
A certainty that I'll die alone- not because I can't be loved, but for the way that I am,
And the desire for something like that even if any romantic encounters thus far haven't been right, not in the slightest.

.

I think,
Even with all that's happening in our lives and in our separate worlds,
Love will always triumph
that it will always, always, heal, bring strength, and harbor purpose,
That meaning will always,
Lie within it

Like the desperation of a vampire with thirst-
It is everlasting
And powerful.



(Alright now that was quite the terrible comparison there wasn't it)

Indulgence

It's probably bad how much I'm crying these days.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still me but
There's a lot of anxiety and negativity in me that isn't usually there,
And I really really want pizza- have looked forward to the promise of it for months now, but that promise has gone unfulfilled time and time again, only to be renewed once every few days.

.
You know what,
I'm just gonna order it in myself-
Even if the only reason why I haven't still
is because it would be stretching the buck further if it were a one-for-one deal that I can't possibly finish alone
..and for the simple reason that food tastes better shared.

Thing is, the way I handle money makes it really difficult for me to make a decision like that- to spend twenty bucks on something I can't clear.

But, well, no one in this family cares about pizza enough.
They don't get that the ooey goodness is what life's all about.

I'm the middle child
But I may as well be that overexcited kid in the family that no one emphathiseswith.

God, the thought of that piping hot dish makes me feel almost desperate.

That will definitely make things better,
Because in this one month I have lost a little weight,
And I know it's first world problems or whatever,
But three kilos in one month is kinda scary if you think about it-
I haven't dieted once in my life and my skipped meals are finally having an impact...
(Seriously, what the hell am I doing to myself)
I've been really sad these days, and I don't want that.

This is when we need a little magic in our lives, ya know?
Magic in the form of pizza, and cheese.

I shouldn't harp on it anymore,
But the little things are really getting to me
I'm a bit of a mess
And I'm hoping that pizza changes all that because when I had to face those things at school the thought of 'at least there's pizza tonight' (or should have been according to sweet promises- yeah, my family has that habit) has honestly acted as my sole source of fuel.
Then it was disappointment almost every night
(told you, I'm not exactly grown up when it comes to this)

I am
this close to ordering pizza at midnight cuz I just wanna get rid of this feeling,
But Mom would probably set fire to it, or to me.

7 things.

1) The rain.
I can't describe the amount of happiness that it brings me,
But dancing under it or being sheltered from it is such a joyous occasion that the pattering on the windows acts as such a melody radiating from your heart strings... That you simply can't not feel like it's washing away all your sadness and anger.
It is uplifting and sweet, and that's the best part.

'Dear god, it hurts'

2) Food.
I have no appetite and the cramps ain't helping,
But hey, a little chocolate ice cream never fails.

"A tired girl starts her day

With a sigh like the moan of a violin

A cherry bursts in her mouth

This was before we had met

This is the first time I’ve ever felt like,
I could see that your pretty eyes were filled with contempt

But I had to go home

Even at the bus stop, you gave me the cold shoulder

The fireworks in the sky pulse

In a silhouette of love

With a little magic

Two sets of lying lips

Lock together

You see

God...

I’d like to be a naughty girl,

I’m tired of being good,

So, please

It’s for a good reason,

So let me be  bad for once,

By flipping my skirt,

I’ll be back soon,

It looks like Saturday is going to be sunny,

God, it has already started."

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TxHBs6LKkv0

3) Hot showers.
Or cold showers. Water on the body; It just feels soooo good.

4) Positivity on social media.
As rare as that is,
It'd seem as though with every upsetting thing that's happened there'll always be an inspirational and caring hashtag that is invented, or a gesture like the safety pin atop your clothes. It is always enlightening and beautiful, that is.

5) Beverages.
The number of times that a steaming cup of Milo has brought me energy, literally, when I've skipped lunch and dinner after taking in so much shit from people, is uncountable.
It just fills up that vast, spacious emptiness so quickly, that you can't help but feel that a little of your lethargy has silently melted off your shoulders and back.

6) People.
The good ones are why we still function so wholesomely.

7) Anime. Books. Movies.
It cheers you up so.

Do you need a hug?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hsd74vBLE-k

I do need a hug.

I think all of us do,
I think that life has just been kind of terrible lately.

It's true that you gotta accept things and make the best out of it,
But uh I suppose stuffs haven't been the best,
So we just gotta try to smile despite it all.

Listen.


.

Maybe if I didn't censor myself so much up here,
I wouldn't still be holding on to so much anger.

That fiend said that I was 'arrogant' while speaking to the bish,
And that I should 'correct my attitude' or else it is completely right that the bish intentionally skipped me the explanation of her idea.
So it was my fault that someone targets me like that,
Someone who skips over my slides during a group rehearsal
So much so that I have to blandly tell them to return to those slides before I can rehearse.
It was my fault that she'd use her worst handwriting and worst pen in writing my name on the divider, and it is only for me that she painstakingly goes out of her way to ensure that I have to do extra things, things that will make whatever should be normal, be normal. I have to be extra careful in checking that she's not done shit like switching from a nice pen to a bad one, for the specific purpose of bringing me trouble. I have to be cautious and check things ten times over, resolve it myself, and it's because someone like that is trying to screw things over for me. I had to blandly ask for a permanent marker and rewrite my name, rub it off or whatever,
And the things that she does doesn't just end there.
It goes beyond, above and beyond interrupting my every conversation, being extremely rude, beyond what a proper 'group leader' should do.

I know that it is trivial,
But she does this at every opportunity that she gets,
And it is so freaking annoying.

Imagine someone, throwing money at you- literally
When they're supposed to pay you for something you bought for the project.

Someone talking behind your back to most people,
Someone who acts like a victim after all that,
Someone who doesn't do shit work,
Someone who intentionally pauses to interrupt your next sentence,
And it's with a sweet tone.

Of course I have to say something for myself-
Was that.. wrong?


Are you seriously telling me that I should submit myself to her the way you, fiend,  have done because you're a coward who exploits the ones  who're nice to you
...And that that is 'humble', and not 'arrogant'?

Oh, I hope you burn.
Sincerely.


.
The thing is that I really don't want to rant up here like this,
I know it's bad and I know it's terrible for the readers, too.

Still, this may as well be my only outlet
And I'd cuss,
But I'm too busy censoring myself
So this detail will have to do.

For goodness' sake, I really do hope they burn.

Karma needs to exist; People need to be treated the way they treat others.
But that's not how the world works!

All of us have our lives to lead,
The thing is that bitches like that usually lead great lives..
And that's the worst part.

Hypocrites get love and bitchiness gets rewarded.

I know that the world isn't.. just.. This
But it just angers me so much that they can be so flipping horrendous on the inside and yet still get what they want despite it, and for, it.

I've been trying to stay positive for so long,

I just want to be unfiltered for once,
I just want a good night's sleep for once.

The world is in shock.

Nuff' said, huh.

It'll be a tough future for America, with a president like that.
I was watching it live via Facebook, so it's been a tense day with a finale that's left many of my friends speechless.
Just imagine what happens to the groups of people that he discriminates against.

What kind of a message does this send out,
That a powerful country like that has a representative that's gotten support for spouting nonsense and attacking all kinds of people?

There's so many things wrong here, that I have no idea where to start.

It's simply frightening to think that such an election has taken place in our generation,
When our graduation means a possible scholarship to the US under his term,
Or a simple hope of expanding things overseas before we return here.

That aside, though,
This is truly a historical event that's left many of us reeling from shock.

Articles explaining their analysis of Trump's triumph and Clinton's loss will be popping up soon, so that'll be interesting.
There's a lot more to say, but for now I suppose we're all just staring in disbelief at something so unbelievable, and are having trouble with coming to terms with it.


I hope you are okay,
I hope you aren't on the verge of tearing your hair out.




(So just ignore what comes after this)



.
Sigh.
Conversely, my troubles are so insignificant and yet still hurtful.

This world is full of shitty people, ain't it?
Right after my previous post my past-friend had messaged me to ask to work on a future project together..  can you believe that?
I was gonna let it go; I was gonna let her go without spitting it to her face.
But she had the audacity to act so.. pure, and kind, and sweet, that I couldn't help telling her all that I wanted to say to her.
I was aggressive enough for once and I stood up for myself. But she had no remorse, she was ugly and she was absolutely terrifyingly disgusting.
We argued, but she acted like a saint and pretended not to understand when I told her not to victimise herself, or that she was just doing whatever was most convenient for her whilst using fake apologies as her tool. I told her that she took advantage of the fact that I wouldn't treat her the way I treated the douche or the bish.
But she said a lot of terrible things back, and, well, obviously it gets to me.

Sometimes... it doesn't matter if you are good at expressing yourself or standing up for yourself. Sometimes, the ugliness of someone else's heart is way more powerful,
And they will not feel sorry for it,
Nor will they give a shit about you.

And, well,
It hurts.

It hurts like a paper cut-
Painful
Without shattering the core of your being.

She did tell me that I was self centred and so on,
And I told her that 'All of us are, but the key thing is how you deal with it. You dealt with it in the ugliest way possible, and you aren't even repenting or reflecting. You're just like the douche, because you point out trivialities for the reason that you can't even provide a sound argument for yourself. And you're worse than the bitch, because you do all these horrendous things and yet you're self-righteous about it.'

But it didn't matter,
Because she went round and round in her circular argument again,
And didn't even once admit that she'd done something bad.

That even though I would have given in either way,
She'd stepped on me, a friend, with a complete lack of humanity.

She did start off her message with 'I forgot what I said to you that day', after all.

It makes a fool out of people, huh. Cuz it didn't affect her in the least bit,
And I am not just convenient, but easy and dumb and soft and useful for her survival.


.

Maybe it was her ugliness,
Maybe it was the paper-cut-feeling it gave me,

But my hopes at sleeping well that night were shattered
And along with it, a tiny piece of me.

I finished two drafts of the reflection the next morning,
But it was consecutive sobs and fitful sleep before that
And I suppose I've been a little haggard lately
Because I wouldn't eat again, and almost threw up afterward when I forced it down.


... I'm alright now though.

People like that aren't worthy of affecting you,
But they get to you regardless.

And since I've been through worse,
It doesn't lead to a disappointment in people in general.
Rather, it's just a temporary cut to the heart-
One that I just need to get over.
This is alright... I just needed to cry.


I did, after all, resolve all those issues on my own.
The project was on the homeless in Singapore (yes it's something I feel strongly for),
the idea on housing here,
And I'd read every single scheme offered by HDB, did my own research,
Wrote my own script, rehearsed it all by myself,
figured out how to do slides & animations (you know how it is with me and technology)
And befriended the other two members so that my situation would improve.

I spoke up for myself against the two of them ugly souls, too.

And I did, after all, learn something.


But I still feel pretty terrible,
And for now I'll just direct that towards other, more important things.

That fiend isn't worth it, after all.

...And stop letting it get to you, you soft, mushy thing!

You with the sad eyes,
"Don't be discouraged, oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people,
You can lose sight of it all

The darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small.
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing

This world makes you crazy,
And you've
Taken all you can bear."

.
I've never looked so neat in my life-
My hair hasn't been in a tidier ponytail
And I haven't worn white socks for a year, now.

I ended up forgetting lunch again today
Til the friendly cleaner who smiles a lot asked me if I had eaten,
And at this point it's just typical, and not very smart of me,
And I'm just wondering why my brain hasn't shrunken from all that non-existent nutrients.

Anyways

*deeeep breath*

It's over,
PW is oveerrrr!!

All this shit I've had to take..
All that shit that could have built a dung castle if you stacked it all up together.

It could have been much worse, but it was still pretty bad.

Ah, well, as planned I've already done up three drafts of the graded reflection anyway,
So chuck in one or two more and we're ready to wrap this all up on Friday, the submission date
Pretty great, huh? 😎

I am reaaalllyy exhausted though.. These past few months really hasn't been easy on us- any of us.
Still, revision begins for realz tomorrow- aka. Voting day in the US. I don't think this is a platform for sharing my thoughts on that, but I'm kiiiinda holding my breath for it.
Neither of them are good enough, but it's obvious who shouldn't be elected and who can only be judged according to their actions after election. Either way, I hope the system of only having two candidates changes soon.
I just can't believe that Trump has even made it this far. Still, Clinton ain't that great either, and I am sick of those posts shoving propaganda down our throats- be it feeding incomplete information, blowing things out of proportion, or simply convincing us that one is better than the other.
Trump deals low blows and Clinton doesn't deal them back- but we don't need to have it harped on; sometimes it's just a tactic and it's obvious that by not fighting back she has already won.
(And I'll briefly mention that even the teachers here sometimes inevitably push their opinions onto us, but that's the thing: People are always gonna force what they think upon you no matter the tone; It's normal and you just have to filter it through your own mind. Still, media is the one thing that shouldn't become a mouth piece, but it has and it will continue to be.

Anyway, that's just me and what I think-
You don't have to agree.


.
Now back to my mundane life,
I've been wondering about this
And I didn't really want to confirm it or anything,
But I just have this feeling, y'know?

It's just an instinct churned out by my guts,
And I honestly am not trying to brag.

But, well...
I've been wondering if the bish is actually.. jealous of me.

And this is perhaps the first time that something like that has escalated like this,
Because I've had this one talented actress before, giving me death stares after a performance, and her avoidance of me after my rehearsals improved. (She's transferred now, though, thank god for that)
I don't really know, but that's as far as it has ever gotten,

And I've never felt like anyone would ever be jealous of me, you know that?

I mean, it's me.

I have my strengths and my weaknesses and I like myself.. a lot - I've changed and tweaked huge parts of me just to get to where I am now, and I will continue to do so for as long as possible.
Why else do you think I reflect so much?
Uhh, I am constantly stuck between 'I like me' and 'hey, it's just little me',

And I suppose what I'm really trying to say, is that
I find it shocking that someone would get jealous of me,
And even though it's just a gut feeling,
Something tells me that it's exactly why the bish really dislikes me,
Why,
when I fell out with my only friend of two years
and I managed to befriend the other two group mates
despite her saying things about me to them,
She glares at me and tries to interrupt my conversations with them..
Why,
When I'm done with my presentation and get compliments for it,
She falls into an even deeper,  sour mood, as if it wasn't terrible enough before.

Ah, but like I said, it's just a feeling-
Bish is with my past-friend and, well,
I hope they're happy with the way things are
Because I'm still hurt and I think I will be for a little while more,

But I most definitely won't turn back and let any of them step on me.

And if she thinks that by snatching the idea and my friend away,
She'll be happy, then so be it.

I'm left with much better things now;
I am socialising more and I am improving myself.

I try to soften the way I deliver opinions, I really do.
I try my best to ask questions about how people feel about things,
And when I comment on things I make it a point to be polite.

I am being honest when I say this,
Because I really just want to do things right
And if I've done everything I could,
And you're still doing these things,
Then the problem lies with you and not with me

And I can stop wasting my life pondering over it.


So, bitch,
You be you,
And I'll be me.

Today marks the last day of your bitchiness,
And I sincerely hope to God (even though I don't really pray)
That you stop, just, stop... targeting me.


I guess what I wanna say is that jealousy doesn't flatter you,
It just makes you wonder if you're doing something wrong,
And if you aren't, just how sad and pathetic the entire cause is.

Cuz, after all,
If you don't feel good enough,
Isn't improving yourself and being happy right there and then
The smartest thing to do?


.

I watched Trolls today, but for now I suppose I'll shower and sleep and get my energy back before I spam you with more words. 🤗

Passing thoughts

It's strange,
How we are able to use our strongest spikes against
The bad and the terrible people

Yet we can't do the same thing to someone who
Once was close to us.

We can only ignore,
We can only say whatever needs to be said in a quiet manner,
When all we want to do is cry, or walk away.

We aren't as confident,
we don't pack as much power into our words and
We don't try to get a rise out of them
Or to get them to not be able to say anything back.

I suppose sadness gets in the way,
I suppose that when it comes to something like that,
We are all pretty soft people on the inside.

It all comes down to this:
you just can't use that usual mockery or contentious sentences against someone who once was important.

It's...strange,
The way that works.

If you ever are able to do it,
You'da been amazing;





Because I can't
And I sometimes wish I could.

Trying my best to let things come and go by letting it out and letting it go. This is better than suppression or denial, no?

Friends that turn out to be fiends are why relationships end.

Yeah, well, I had to try that out at least once, however overused. :p
I suppose I should mention that she has been trying to become friends again, but it's with the manner that ignores everything wrong from the past we share, and the look that makes it seem like you're doing something bad to her.
It's okay, it doesn't matter anymore

Friends come and go; I need to learn this.
Surprisingly, I can make friends-
I just have to have that actual desire enough.

.
I shouted at the douche of the class today; I told him to think for others, and to quit disturbing us with his constant door slamming.
I suppose the details will only bore you, but yes- he wasn't capable of saying anything logical except for repeated 'what's your problem's and 'shut-up's in Hokkien, one of the dialects here.
Then I'd responded to one of those shut-ups with 'You can't say anything back/argue, that's why you ask for others to shut up!' and yeah he couldn't say anything back.
I then rounded it all off with 'do you have a brain?!' to which I was greeted with silence,
And we stared at each other for a couple of seconds before he finally backed off.

Aka.
“你说不过别人，所以你才叫人家安静
你有脑吗你！”

Loosely translating it here kinda makes it lose the tone I used, though.


One thing I wanna say,
Is that if you ever catch me using Mandarin like this,
Chances are you have pissed the hell out of me.
Like all other humans, that subconscious switch to your mother language is the clearest marker to losing control,
And I've only just realized now
but somehow I'm not the type to cuss when angered.
Not aloud, anyway.
Is that a good or bad thing?
Ugh, and I haven't shouted at anyone for six years now..
Even when the bish-of-the-group did all that I didn't ever shout,
Which makes it kind of dumb for someone worthless like that to get a rise out of me..
But still. There has always been a limiter to the amount of douchness that he exihibits on a daily basis- door slamming once or twice a day has become the norm, playing unwanted, loud music using the class projector is selfish but it is possible to block it out using earphones and concentration, and loads of other things like commenting on girls' underwear aloud or asking dumb questions for attention and not knowledge.
Thing is, I've simply ignored his existence for the entire year, and we didn't ever go head to head like this.
Today, however, it was five or six door slams over the course of, what, two minutes?
After playing music from the beginning of the day, too.
Hello sweetie, do you think you're creating music or something with that tempo and rhythm there?
Are you working out with that new found exercise of yours?

Initially I'd lowered my voice as with all agitated moments,
And it was 'Can you stop that? People are in here, you come in here, you slam the door, you disturb us. Terrify us, even.'

But logic is not to be used against someone like that,
And that was why I questioned his ownership of a brain because
Clearly, it's empty in there.

Oh, dear, I told you the details anyway.
But he insulted my mom. 'Terrify? Terrify your moooothher.' in that stereotypical manner that was more than enough for me to snap. I had gone 'wow', smiled, and told him that he had 'class' and for him to 'continue'- all in Mandarin.
And of course he couldn't say anything back except for the two phrases as aforementioned.

I can't believe people like that exist, I just can't.
You're seventeen, we're seventeen; how can we all be so egocentric, dumb, and immature?

I have wasted my breath on you, but it had to be done.
.



Oh no, me,
You do not dwell on this any longer.

We will finish that Lit guidebook by next week,
We will focus on Math for now.

Let it out, and let it go.


... Still, I can't believe I lost control; I'm usually good at keeping my voice in check even if my heart is thumping in the worst way possible.

Forgotten dinner, again

13 hours of sleep,
That's what I did.

Believe it or not, it hadn't been my intention
But I just blacked out at 6pm after a rehearsal and 5 hours of editing at school,
and I really should do this more often.
Afterall, I was on the brink of death yesterday.

*yawns* mm, maybe dancing in the rain to Love is Blindness the day before wasn't that great an idea.
Well, showers work magic and I tried pomegranate and Korean rice cakes for the first time, so life is good anyways.

Still, I need sleep.
It has come to a point whereby I'm functioning without realising this, anymore.

And that has to end.

The worst of it is pretty much over,
The brunt of the damage has been done to me,
And I can afford less strained eyes and strengthless speech.

Two more drafts for the graded reflection to go,
Two more consultations,
One more tech run,
More practice and preparation.

*wobbles* Yep, I can do this.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dj4VoPO-2pE