A letter to you

Am I the reason for your changing whatsapp statuses?

Am I the one who brought you so much pain?

Am I too arrogant to be guessing this?

Is it in fact, not me at all?
If so, I want to ask you if everything's fine.
If so, I hope you are okay.


If I am the reason
You would most probably be reading this right now
You already know the answer
You wouldn't want an apology

But still I am apologetic

Still
It must have been some wrong on my part
It must have been me being misleading in some way
It must have been my fault

But the two words I selfishly want to squeeze in here is what will hurt you

Whatever I'm about to write is hypocritical and unfitting.

You seem too kind to blame me to move on
You seem too mature to find flaws in me to move on
You seem to be too gentle at heart to dislike me to move on

But still
If I am the reason and if you are reading this

You have to move on.

Maybe confrontations aren't your thing
It's okay, it's not my thing either
So if it's you.
I shall explain with my choppy sentences and paragraphs
You shall hear the ugly words I'm capable of spewing.


I'm sorry I don't have the answers you want

I don't know what to say
I want to be friends
I'm not actually that great
I'm not worth your sadness

I acknowledge your feelings
They run deep and remain gentle and strong
They aren't fickle and are really true
You are a great person,
You really are.
That's why I hope to become friends.

If it's me
I don't understand why.
But you most definitely will find someone much better in the future. Someone who will love you unconditionally, someone worth it and who will see you with her two eyes and find you within a mass of faceless crowd.
You are that great.
So don't feel otherwise if you happen to be feeling that way.


I hope that this post itself makes things clear
So that there will be no more guesses and hints
So that it's not dragged out any further
So that you can truthfully move on

Blame me and dislike me if it helps
Even if you're too gentle a soul for that

Throw me out the window of your heart
Close the door that allows lighting to make me look somewhat good to you
Burn the portrait you painted of me

I'm just a very average girl
I want to be friends
But that's not possible, is it
That's hypocritical and selfish

Apologies are not fitting either.

I really don't know what to write or say.
I dont think I should be posting this
It might anger you. Hurt you. Make things worse.

But if you're who I think you are
I hope this helps you, even if it's a little

I hope you find that light to shine away your loneliness and empty bouts of sadness

I hope you let go.
I too am trying to let go of my unrequited first crush.

Or maybe
You already are in the process of doing so.

If so,
I hope you find happiness.

You most definitely will, in the future.
I am, after all, a mere passing phase of a human.
And there are always better options down the road.