Let's talk about some useless stuffs.
Skin.
The condition of my skin has probably not been this good ever since I stopped taking care of myself, started skipping meals and incorporating weird sleep patterns into my lifestyle.
Over the past few days, however, I have simply been lying on my sweet bed, closing my burning eyes, rubbing my throbbing temples, and letting sleep claim me for as long as it wants.
Twice now I have awoken at the usual time but returned to sleeping for another five hours,
And when the dizziness returns, I lie down and do nothing except for some music.
It actually really, really helps,
And though it wasn't my intention to heal my skin as well as my aching body,
It'd worked.
Of course, I have been feeding myself rather decent meals for the past three days,
Been drinking loads of green tea, and taking better care of my skin.
So yes, sleep is the best remedy for all.
Mind.
It is filled with many things as per usual, but at least I'm no longer drowsy all the time, concentration doesn't exhaust me, and memorization is clearer than before.
Once again, I have only the sleep gods to thank; but who knows how long I can keep this up, and therefore how long the effect will last?
Weight.
I've been hesitating when it comes to talking about this, because no one else has noticed and the only difference is when I take the rare weighing scale test. (Yeah.. I just can't be bothered)
Ever since PW struck, it's been a total loss of 5kg. While that's a tiny number, it has actually succeeded in making me feel less bloated and look slightly better. But no one seems to be able to tell the difference, so for now I suppose I'll just treat it as a number: nothing more, nothing less.
I know that it's due to my terrible appetite and negligence, and part of me wants to blame the bad people who led me to that two-week period of sadness, but part of me wants to be honest, too.
Truth is I haven't been dieting; I love my food too much.
Yet it isn't enough for me to turn to it for solace when upset; If anything, I have the habit of avoiding food till I'm happy again, and it isn't enough for me to monitor that I eat regularly and with decent amounts, for if I'm feeling unwell, chances are I skip eating altogether to alleviate the discomfort.
And that has never served me well.
That's why, this coming year I have really gotta eat and sleep more, as much of a glutton as that makes me sound.
Studies.
I know, I'm a broken recorder.
Thus I shall only talk about the things I've accomplished so far,
Because I've heard that that helps reduce stress levels and increase self satisfaction.
I completed the 100 hour programme inclusive of both assessments in two weeks, I've worked through lit guidebooks, an entire stack of GP model essays, much of math and quite a bit of bio since then.
There's still chemistry, and the horrifying prospect that I haven't yet touched it,
But I think what's most important is that I take things singularly, devote myself to that for short periods of time so that whatever should be salvaged, is redeemed (sorta), before I then move on to
other weak points of mine.
There is no reason for me to freak out now,
Because I have been, all year,
And that too has never served me well.
Well.
Instead of a notebook for consolidation in Bio, I am now utilizing flash-card-like ring-bound ones that should probably help me better in memorizing and structure in doing so.
Math requires way more practice, but the basics are almost covered so that's something.
I'll be looking into doing audio recording and seeing if it helps with memorization in Bio, but perhaps that is excessive and my usual methods will work.
Then there's literature, and GP, and for now I'll simply read as much as I can, consolidate the important parts and churn out more notebooks to be flipped through.
Reviewing things and loads of practice will be the key to next year, so that's that.
There's still so, so much to be done.
.... Oh pray, me, relax for god's sake!
Were those my New Years resolutions?
Ah, I've got nooooo ideaaa.
Just know, that studying will be my top priority starting tomorrow
And that it doesn't rob me of my personality or my life,
Because that's what's truly important for now.
One year of mugging, one year of effort,
One year of,
This,
And I will (very hopefully) get to where I hope to be in the future.
In a meritocratic society, this is the best thing to do for yourself, after all.
(And I've got a dream,
Things I want to learn and stuffs I gotta do.
It might sound ironic that I'm studying hard now so that I can study something else harder in the future,
But that is mostly true; I don't want a degree for the sake of it.
I have subjects and languages that interest me,
And getting the A levels done, and done well would enable me to study all that without worry. Right now there isn't enough time, or resources, and only after the A levels can I truly pursue every single Psychology book I can get my hands on, or dip my head into Philosophy, or the books on the market in China and the history of Japan. (And these are verrrrryy subject to change, btw)
Furthermore, I'll probably get into the course I want if I study really hard, so that's that-
It all starts with A levels,and the effort that has to go into that.
I will tell you more about my dreams, in detail,
But it won't mean shit if the most basic of all things-
A levels, isn't yet settled and gotten out of the way.
Saturday, 31 December 2016
Thursday, 29 December 2016
Fades of lavender
"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad, the kind of sad that just takes time."
This pops into my head whenever I think of a certain someone,
And it made me conscious of the fact that each and every one of us are trying to recover from something, that we are all lugging around a specific sack of bleeding guts, both latched and unpatched, both the rotting and the fresh, both the sewn and the open that flaps around in the wind.
Each of us has a little sandstorm billowing around on the inside,
And sometimes when we speak, a little of the dust blows itself outwards
In this little spiral that may or may not has gold glitter in it, depending on the cloudiness of the day and the clarity of the heart.
Such people,
Sad people,
Write beautifully.
They utilise metaphors like it actually depicts all that needs to be said but gets trapped inside,
And they mould tears into a restricted funnel that only allows for selected gems to go through.
They understand emotions.
They feel intensely, so much so that a part of them will always be out of shape,
Abstract and consistent in how it morphs between different dimensions and art styles.
Yet it's such a heavy burden to bear when you take them on,
When you smile at them with the best one you can muster
And you try to take their baggage along with yours,
All whilst running to catch up to the plane that never takes flight,
Only to remain on the endless runway, toddling ever, ever, ahead of you.
They bring so much, but they carry loads, too
And it's a give and take situation where their beauty bedazzles you,
But their shape shifting abilities and pots of rare stones scratch and cut you.
Hold onto the reins, you beg.
Crying whilst atop a flying open-air carriage makes your tears turn into streams of speech bubbles, each smaller than the last,
Till it turns into mere twinkles in the dust
And the moon shines,
Just as blue and green and white as that one first night.
This pops into my head whenever I think of a certain someone,
And it made me conscious of the fact that each and every one of us are trying to recover from something, that we are all lugging around a specific sack of bleeding guts, both latched and unpatched, both the rotting and the fresh, both the sewn and the open that flaps around in the wind.
Each of us has a little sandstorm billowing around on the inside,
And sometimes when we speak, a little of the dust blows itself outwards
In this little spiral that may or may not has gold glitter in it, depending on the cloudiness of the day and the clarity of the heart.
Such people,
Sad people,
Write beautifully.
They utilise metaphors like it actually depicts all that needs to be said but gets trapped inside,
And they mould tears into a restricted funnel that only allows for selected gems to go through.
They understand emotions.
They feel intensely, so much so that a part of them will always be out of shape,
Abstract and consistent in how it morphs between different dimensions and art styles.
Yet it's such a heavy burden to bear when you take them on,
When you smile at them with the best one you can muster
And you try to take their baggage along with yours,
All whilst running to catch up to the plane that never takes flight,
Only to remain on the endless runway, toddling ever, ever, ahead of you.
They bring so much, but they carry loads, too
And it's a give and take situation where their beauty bedazzles you,
But their shape shifting abilities and pots of rare stones scratch and cut you.
Hold onto the reins, you beg.
Crying whilst atop a flying open-air carriage makes your tears turn into streams of speech bubbles, each smaller than the last,
Till it turns into mere twinkles in the dust
And the moon shines,
Just as blue and green and white as that one first night.
Wednesday, 28 December 2016
Privileges
A shame, you seemed an honest man.
We all have obligatory things we ought to do,
Be it to be a good person to someone dear,
Or to do something that in your mind is right.
And if you're gonna do something, you jolly well do it to the best of your ability.
That's what I believe in anyway, cuz it's a simple logic: You're doing it regardless, so you might as well put your heart into it and make it count.
I'm not sure if I should say this.
Okay, let's not be specific then.
I've put this off because of a couple of reasons,
And mainly because it makes me uncomfortable.
But it's correct to do so, and it'll make so many people happy.
And no, it's not some noble sacrifice; Call it family duty if you will.
I should have done it long ago, and I shouldn't have taken the free will I'd been given as a privilege to be indulged upon. When my parents don't force me into things, (and they never do), it's because they're loving and nice people.
They believe in giving choice, they believe in respect and freedom,
And they believe in me.
But I'd used it as an excuse; a reason to be selfish about my needs.
Truth is, there are times where you will have to do things that you don't necessarily feel comfortable about doing, but you do it anyway because it's right.
I do care, and I do feel, but we aren't close and it really does make me uncomfortable.
And there is guilt, guilt in that I can have compassion for others and yet run away from someone familial like that- even if we aren't on intimate terms.
And, well,
You really shouldn't give in too much to the excuses in your mind- It's a little too self-centred.
So in the end I did do it, and I did try to be sensitive about her needs and be careful.
It really saddened me to see her like that, and it occurred to me that I really ought to have done this much, much, earlier.
Ugh, I'm not good enough at heart am I.
If I were, I wouldn't have had these kinds of thoughts in the first place.
Some things, you just gotta do.
Don't be so heartless, me.
We all have obligatory things we ought to do,
Be it to be a good person to someone dear,
Or to do something that in your mind is right.
And if you're gonna do something, you jolly well do it to the best of your ability.
That's what I believe in anyway, cuz it's a simple logic: You're doing it regardless, so you might as well put your heart into it and make it count.
I'm not sure if I should say this.
Okay, let's not be specific then.
I've put this off because of a couple of reasons,
And mainly because it makes me uncomfortable.
But it's correct to do so, and it'll make so many people happy.
And no, it's not some noble sacrifice; Call it family duty if you will.
I should have done it long ago, and I shouldn't have taken the free will I'd been given as a privilege to be indulged upon. When my parents don't force me into things, (and they never do), it's because they're loving and nice people.
They believe in giving choice, they believe in respect and freedom,
And they believe in me.
But I'd used it as an excuse; a reason to be selfish about my needs.
Truth is, there are times where you will have to do things that you don't necessarily feel comfortable about doing, but you do it anyway because it's right.
I do care, and I do feel, but we aren't close and it really does make me uncomfortable.
And there is guilt, guilt in that I can have compassion for others and yet run away from someone familial like that- even if we aren't on intimate terms.
And, well,
You really shouldn't give in too much to the excuses in your mind- It's a little too self-centred.
So in the end I did do it, and I did try to be sensitive about her needs and be careful.
It really saddened me to see her like that, and it occurred to me that I really ought to have done this much, much, earlier.
Ugh, I'm not good enough at heart am I.
If I were, I wouldn't have had these kinds of thoughts in the first place.
Some things, you just gotta do.
Don't be so heartless, me.
Tuesday, 27 December 2016
Hums of floral fabric
I had one of the nicest days.
There is so much to be shared,
But, well, I'm just really happy right now.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KkGVmN68ByU
.
I am honestly at a loss when people so lavishly sprinkle me with compliments,
Because I'm not used to that- Never have, probably never will be.
And perhaps this is all that 'lack of confidence' thing going on,
But I really would just describe it as one of those 'I don't know how to react' moments.
Because they're beautiful, too,
And I love a lot about them-
It's just that I'm not social enough to state it aloud like that, and on such a frequent basis.
Cuz it wasn't the flattery that you hate but genuine compliments, generously aimed at you from a hose that has its opening pinched shut, thereby making it gush forward in full force.
And you know what, everyone's having fun aiming the hose at pretty much everyone else,
We're on a freshly mowed lawn, daisies swinging in the wind, flowy white dresses dancing to the hum of the whimsical fairies.
It's all so.. bright, and sweet.
Thing is,
My personality makes people assume different sides of me to be the whole of me,
And while I'm with them the quieter one, the girly side, and the crazier one pops up,
And when we had that light-hearted Christmas gift-exchange party thing today
I got fake jewel-ish things, a wand, a two-dollar version of the Titanic necklace, and pink fluffy socks- Stuff that supposedly reminds them of me.
Words can't describe how absolutely happy that makes me feel;
Since I have always, always wanted for people to not judge me for being honest about my vain side, for wanting to doll up sometimes and look good, for the ones who told me I was burly and brusque for my less-than-'feminine'-voice and everything else about me.. to stop commenting on how being a typical girl doing typical girly things is wrong, and that it doesn't fit me.
If you're a long term reader you'd know about this,
And I didn't mean for it to be repeated this much,
But it really does make me oh so satisfied, and happy.
I am accepted and welcomed for the different dimensions in me,
Just like everyone else. These new people aren't like the bad ones I've had before;
They won't tell me what I am and therefore what I should always be,
They won't jeer at me for just trying to be myself.
Of course people's opinions don't matter that much,
But most of us are sensitive humans who don't necessarily need verbal affirmation;
We just need you to stop being rude and mean and judgy about things.
Especially so, if you're gonna mock us for every action we take
And bring in the entire group to reinforce that joke that really isn't all that funny.
Honestly, that is all I've wanted.
And today I realised that my little dream has come true,
All without me realising it.
It's crazy, but they go beyond acceptance;
They aren't afraid to show appreciation, love, and warmth
And that's what I love so much about them.
Me,
I'm a little awkward and a little bulky,
And I compliment less but it always comes from the heart.
Side note: This gift exchange is always a culmination of jokes, whereby every gift is supposed to embody the recipient, or make a joke out of him.
Passive aggression earns a floral knife, someone gets a yellow trash can with the phrase 'I got you your home', someone adorable gets window-wiper glasses, and so on.
One thing I didn't expect tho
was how much they'd liked my jokes of giving the guy who cares a lot about hair- a book on Justin Bieber when he had the Bieber-hair, alongside a free bedroom poster of the guy in all his hair glory
Or the one about giving the girl who helps out sex workers and always talks about the topic maturely- a collection of pictures on chickens named "Cocks" in bold print.
I probably killed all the humour by explaining that,
But hah.
There you go,
I'm not funny.
*whispers* I did get the MVP award for my gifts though. *cough* Please, include it in my resume.
.
There is so much to be shared,
But, well, I'm just really happy right now.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KkGVmN68ByU
.
I am honestly at a loss when people so lavishly sprinkle me with compliments,
Because I'm not used to that- Never have, probably never will be.
And perhaps this is all that 'lack of confidence' thing going on,
But I really would just describe it as one of those 'I don't know how to react' moments.
Because they're beautiful, too,
And I love a lot about them-
It's just that I'm not social enough to state it aloud like that, and on such a frequent basis.
Cuz it wasn't the flattery that you hate but genuine compliments, generously aimed at you from a hose that has its opening pinched shut, thereby making it gush forward in full force.
And you know what, everyone's having fun aiming the hose at pretty much everyone else,
We're on a freshly mowed lawn, daisies swinging in the wind, flowy white dresses dancing to the hum of the whimsical fairies.
It's all so.. bright, and sweet.
Thing is,
My personality makes people assume different sides of me to be the whole of me,
And while I'm with them the quieter one, the girly side, and the crazier one pops up,
And when we had that light-hearted Christmas gift-exchange party thing today
I got fake jewel-ish things, a wand, a two-dollar version of the Titanic necklace, and pink fluffy socks- Stuff that supposedly reminds them of me.
Words can't describe how absolutely happy that makes me feel;
Since I have always, always wanted for people to not judge me for being honest about my vain side, for wanting to doll up sometimes and look good, for the ones who told me I was burly and brusque for my less-than-'feminine'-voice and everything else about me.. to stop commenting on how being a typical girl doing typical girly things is wrong, and that it doesn't fit me.
If you're a long term reader you'd know about this,
And I didn't mean for it to be repeated this much,
But it really does make me oh so satisfied, and happy.
I am accepted and welcomed for the different dimensions in me,
Just like everyone else. These new people aren't like the bad ones I've had before;
They won't tell me what I am and therefore what I should always be,
They won't jeer at me for just trying to be myself.
Of course people's opinions don't matter that much,
But most of us are sensitive humans who don't necessarily need verbal affirmation;
We just need you to stop being rude and mean and judgy about things.
Especially so, if you're gonna mock us for every action we take
And bring in the entire group to reinforce that joke that really isn't all that funny.
Honestly, that is all I've wanted.
And today I realised that my little dream has come true,
All without me realising it.
It's crazy, but they go beyond acceptance;
They aren't afraid to show appreciation, love, and warmth
And that's what I love so much about them.
Me,
I'm a little awkward and a little bulky,
And I compliment less but it always comes from the heart.
Side note: This gift exchange is always a culmination of jokes, whereby every gift is supposed to embody the recipient, or make a joke out of him.
Passive aggression earns a floral knife, someone gets a yellow trash can with the phrase 'I got you your home', someone adorable gets window-wiper glasses, and so on.
One thing I didn't expect tho
was how much they'd liked my jokes of giving the guy who cares a lot about hair- a book on Justin Bieber when he had the Bieber-hair, alongside a free bedroom poster of the guy in all his hair glory
Or the one about giving the girl who helps out sex workers and always talks about the topic maturely- a collection of pictures on chickens named "Cocks" in bold print.
I probably killed all the humour by explaining that,
But hah.
There you go,
I'm not funny.
*whispers* I did get the MVP award for my gifts though. *cough* Please, include it in my resume.
.
Friday, 23 December 2016
Unshackled
You must have seen this coming.
Oh... well. Let's go.
I just love how Yuri on Ice ended the way it did.
First off, it was adorable how Yuri wanted Victor to stay as his coach for the rest of his life at first, and it was like a marriage proposal.
But even better than that was the fact that Yuri realised, all on his own, that asking that of Victor was a selfish thing to do- alike to when your spouse tells you to resign from your job for the sake of marriage, 'settling down', or out of 'love' for him/her.
It's basically wanting someone to give up on his passion and dreams in order to devote his life to you, and while this is cute and sweet and loving at first, eventually it'll kill you because your life and personality is robbed away from you, and you're left with nothing but the love that you have chosen to devote yourself to.
It is actually the fastest way to killing yourself,
And it's stated rather clearly by Yuri in this last episode: "But that'll kill Victor slowly on the inside, as a competitive skater. Your time spent with me as a coach wasn't wasted, and I'm the only one in the whole world that can prove that."
Aka, Yuri really appreciates and loves Victor for doing what he did, because that's what got him to where he is now. But he can't tie Victor down like this, for it isn't right nor is it good for him. Instead, true love is when you choose what's best for your partner- in this case, it's Yuri ensuring that Victor remains an independent individual with his own dreams and passion.
The best part about it is that Yuri doesn't retire either, and this is inspired and reinforced by both Victor and Yurio.
I've done a lot of summarizing up till here, which is bad for a commentary,
But damn I just wanted to spell out how absolutely surprising and beautiful this is,
That the relationship they have between them is so so much stronger than mere physical attraction,
Or gratitude, or chemistry, or a mere sharing of common interests.
It is so mature that it shocks you,
And it really does go beyond the traditional 'I love you and will do anything for you, including the sacrificing of my own life in every sense of the phrase.' trope that we're so used to seeing in shows, where it's romanticised into unconditional love..
When in truth it's basically offering your heart and soul up to be killed,
To reduce the perimeters of your world by your own accord,
And to make yourself boring and dependent on someone who gets to see the world whilst you play the supporting role.
A true relationship consists of both parties surpporting one another,
Just like how Yuri ensures that Victor doesn't abandon his dreams,
And Victor tells him to 'in exchange, become a five-year world champion at least'.
They'll become rivals in ice skating whilst their relationship reaches new heights of being able to deal with that, of choosing to retain their passions in life whilst pursuing each other as a romantic partner, all at the same time.
Frankly, this is one of the rare kinds of relationship that will work for sure,
Because neither of them will cause the other's downfall,
And it's because of the fact that they remain individuals unshackled by love,
That they continue to be what the other fell in love with at the start.
They will continue to fall for each other, over and over, repeatedly, till the end of time.
Ah, well,
That's the idealistic side of me speaking.
But they're fictional, so that's kinda what happens, wouldn't you agree?:)
Anyways the one thing I've always thought about when it comes to marriage is the fact that many of us would ask for the other to give up something for the sake of love,
And while marriage is a compromise,
It shouldn't be a sacrifice.
And women shouldn't give up their jobs to take care of potential kids,
Passionate people shouldn't give up on their dreams to be 'less busy',
Etc etc.
If you're too busy for love, you can't be making promises for commitment.
And if someone falls in love with the driven, independent and focused you,
They shouldn't want for you to turn into someone else just for the sake of them.
This hardly covers what I'm trying to say
But I think I'm getting boring here, so I'll stop.
Oh... well. Let's go.
I just love how Yuri on Ice ended the way it did.
First off, it was adorable how Yuri wanted Victor to stay as his coach for the rest of his life at first, and it was like a marriage proposal.
But even better than that was the fact that Yuri realised, all on his own, that asking that of Victor was a selfish thing to do- alike to when your spouse tells you to resign from your job for the sake of marriage, 'settling down', or out of 'love' for him/her.
It's basically wanting someone to give up on his passion and dreams in order to devote his life to you, and while this is cute and sweet and loving at first, eventually it'll kill you because your life and personality is robbed away from you, and you're left with nothing but the love that you have chosen to devote yourself to.
It is actually the fastest way to killing yourself,
And it's stated rather clearly by Yuri in this last episode: "But that'll kill Victor slowly on the inside, as a competitive skater. Your time spent with me as a coach wasn't wasted, and I'm the only one in the whole world that can prove that."
Aka, Yuri really appreciates and loves Victor for doing what he did, because that's what got him to where he is now. But he can't tie Victor down like this, for it isn't right nor is it good for him. Instead, true love is when you choose what's best for your partner- in this case, it's Yuri ensuring that Victor remains an independent individual with his own dreams and passion.
The best part about it is that Yuri doesn't retire either, and this is inspired and reinforced by both Victor and Yurio.
I've done a lot of summarizing up till here, which is bad for a commentary,
But damn I just wanted to spell out how absolutely surprising and beautiful this is,
That the relationship they have between them is so so much stronger than mere physical attraction,
Or gratitude, or chemistry, or a mere sharing of common interests.
It is so mature that it shocks you,
And it really does go beyond the traditional 'I love you and will do anything for you, including the sacrificing of my own life in every sense of the phrase.' trope that we're so used to seeing in shows, where it's romanticised into unconditional love..
When in truth it's basically offering your heart and soul up to be killed,
To reduce the perimeters of your world by your own accord,
And to make yourself boring and dependent on someone who gets to see the world whilst you play the supporting role.
A true relationship consists of both parties surpporting one another,
Just like how Yuri ensures that Victor doesn't abandon his dreams,
And Victor tells him to 'in exchange, become a five-year world champion at least'.
They'll become rivals in ice skating whilst their relationship reaches new heights of being able to deal with that, of choosing to retain their passions in life whilst pursuing each other as a romantic partner, all at the same time.
Frankly, this is one of the rare kinds of relationship that will work for sure,
Because neither of them will cause the other's downfall,
And it's because of the fact that they remain individuals unshackled by love,
That they continue to be what the other fell in love with at the start.
They will continue to fall for each other, over and over, repeatedly, till the end of time.
Ah, well,
That's the idealistic side of me speaking.
But they're fictional, so that's kinda what happens, wouldn't you agree?:)
Anyways the one thing I've always thought about when it comes to marriage is the fact that many of us would ask for the other to give up something for the sake of love,
And while marriage is a compromise,
It shouldn't be a sacrifice.
And women shouldn't give up their jobs to take care of potential kids,
Passionate people shouldn't give up on their dreams to be 'less busy',
Etc etc.
If you're too busy for love, you can't be making promises for commitment.
And if someone falls in love with the driven, independent and focused you,
They shouldn't want for you to turn into someone else just for the sake of them.
This hardly covers what I'm trying to say
But I think I'm getting boring here, so I'll stop.
Wednesday, 21 December 2016
Trivia.
I was out on one of those solitary trips
When I held up a shirt to myself and happened to glance at the shopkeeper.
She was looking, too,
But she had the dullest eyes I've ever seen
And I don't mean exhaustion.
It was different from the red-rimmed, strained ones that hurt people have,
It was not the ones that oozed withheld tears and secrets.
It was rather lifeless, beyond boredom, and almost emotionless;
A sharp contrast from when a certain switch was flipped on inside her
And she spoke with both animation and colourful vivacity.
It was almost like a mask; and
I don't know, but the image really stuck with me.
Does she not enjoy her job or her life?
.
I'm gonna go out again soon,
And it's probably gonna be alone like most of my trips because frankly speaking
That's when you have the most fun-
Being quiet, doing things at your own pace and all.
I really don't go out enough..
Cuz who knew that there were sales this time of year,
And that there would be so many humans up and about?
Christmas, or someday close-
We're gonna go take a stroll out in the lighted streets and cool, crisp air.
This festival has never meant much to me,
But I suppose I'm just in a holiday mood
That happens to meld together with the festive ones hanging all around me.
.
Some days your dreams are too rich,
Full of jokes that make you snigger in your sleep,
Full of certain fulfilments that only happens in a dream,
Full of silent libraries (for once) and nice, nice things.
Some days you sleep too much,
Because upon waking up a drowsiness and dizziness pushes you,
Forcefully, back onto the bed
And the alarm you've set goes ignored,
And you sleep,
too, too, much.
Part of being an early riser means that these kinds of things-
Waking up at 10:30 instead of 7,
Having lost the best part of a day-
Pisses you off about yourself.
But some days it's worth it,
Some days you see,
The sleep had felt so powerful in what it'd given.
.
I was feeling a little stressed yesterday,
And I thought, 'What better idea is there than to watch some light-hearted movie to cheer myself up'?
I'd ended up with Titanic, then The Aviator,
And I almost went on to The Imitation Game,
But thank god I didn't cuz that'd have been too much in one day.
Surprisingly, though,
It was a good-dreams night.
.
I've scrapped the lavender nails;
They're now black, with one white one on each hand for sth different,
And one rose-gold glitter one that you can't quite notice
until the light catches it to bounce off them sparkles.
One of the black nails has this midnight blue and white glitter layered onto it,
The left hand is different from the right, and
I'd show you a picture, but it's so much trouble. (Oh, the irony)
People find it odd,
But, well, I like it. 🤓
It feels cool.
One solid colour on all nails is kinda mainstream, after all.
(Though that'd probably look better)
When I held up a shirt to myself and happened to glance at the shopkeeper.
She was looking, too,
But she had the dullest eyes I've ever seen
And I don't mean exhaustion.
It was different from the red-rimmed, strained ones that hurt people have,
It was not the ones that oozed withheld tears and secrets.
It was rather lifeless, beyond boredom, and almost emotionless;
A sharp contrast from when a certain switch was flipped on inside her
And she spoke with both animation and colourful vivacity.
It was almost like a mask; and
I don't know, but the image really stuck with me.
Does she not enjoy her job or her life?
.
I'm gonna go out again soon,
And it's probably gonna be alone like most of my trips because frankly speaking
That's when you have the most fun-
Being quiet, doing things at your own pace and all.
I really don't go out enough..
Cuz who knew that there were sales this time of year,
And that there would be so many humans up and about?
Christmas, or someday close-
We're gonna go take a stroll out in the lighted streets and cool, crisp air.
This festival has never meant much to me,
But I suppose I'm just in a holiday mood
That happens to meld together with the festive ones hanging all around me.
.
Some days your dreams are too rich,
Full of jokes that make you snigger in your sleep,
Full of certain fulfilments that only happens in a dream,
Full of silent libraries (for once) and nice, nice things.
Some days you sleep too much,
Because upon waking up a drowsiness and dizziness pushes you,
Forcefully, back onto the bed
And the alarm you've set goes ignored,
And you sleep,
too, too, much.
Part of being an early riser means that these kinds of things-
Waking up at 10:30 instead of 7,
Having lost the best part of a day-
Pisses you off about yourself.
But some days it's worth it,
Some days you see,
The sleep had felt so powerful in what it'd given.
.
I was feeling a little stressed yesterday,
And I thought, 'What better idea is there than to watch some light-hearted movie to cheer myself up'?
I'd ended up with Titanic, then The Aviator,
And I almost went on to The Imitation Game,
But thank god I didn't cuz that'd have been too much in one day.
Surprisingly, though,
It was a good-dreams night.
.
I've scrapped the lavender nails;
They're now black, with one white one on each hand for sth different,
And one rose-gold glitter one that you can't quite notice
until the light catches it to bounce off them sparkles.
One of the black nails has this midnight blue and white glitter layered onto it,
The left hand is different from the right, and
I'd show you a picture, but it's so much trouble. (Oh, the irony)
People find it odd,
But, well, I like it. 🤓
It feels cool.
One solid colour on all nails is kinda mainstream, after all.
(Though that'd probably look better)
Sunday, 18 December 2016
http://www.vox.com/world/2016/12/16/13974780/aleppo-explained-4-minutes
This really breaks my heart.
This really breaks my heart.
Friday, 16 December 2016
I think, that we all do this; We fall for someone twirling amongst the skies.
I realise now,
But my first crush was waaaay out of my league.
You know that feeling you get when you're climbing a mountain and there's someone dangling up top, high-fiving his best friend?
Yeah, that's what it feels like.
Envy, a sort of inspiration, a sort of fear and a certain sense of deficiency.
He's not perfect of course,
But he is really, really, great
And I see now that the first time I'd felt my heart move for someone,
The first time I started tensing up around a guy like this,
The first time I hoped for someone to see me in a different light...
It had all been for someone who was from a different world,
Who deserves the beautiful and talented girlfriend he's got now,
Who will never, in a million years, be suited for me.
And no,
This isn't about confidence or self-love.
I do really like myself.
And part of it is because he's four years older,
But most of it is due to the fact that I really am not good enough for someone like that.
I think,
That this is purely self-awareness
And I'm not being overly critical of myself or anything like that, though I do do that sometimes.
Well,
Now we know.
It's kind of a daunting feeling to know that it'll take me forever to get there,
But I think I will.
I think,
That when I look in the mirror,
I don't want to be chasing a shadow, or a mould of what I hope to become;
I want to be that little something that is an enhanced, more improved version of myself.
And that,
Will be what I'll be looking towards from now on.
Side note,
....Huh, never knew that my expectations of a partner were that high.
It's not a beautiful face we're looking at here,
Or a super sweet guy,
Or even someone who's rich. (Though honestly, that aspect makes me queasy. It's his money, not mine, so why would it matter?)
Frankly, I don't really care about all that 'conditions' set in place for perfection.
In fact, his physique and voice (you know I'm all about the voice)
Hadn't been that attractive to me.
But he is hardworking, really lovable and sociable, and good at what he does.
Most importantly, he is a pot of passion without too much eccentricity,
And the emotions that he brews are of such a flavoursome combination
That I couldn't help but be attracted by that.
He's intense, and doesn't show it.
He reads people, and there is a certain haughtiness in that,
A certain lack of experience and a certain youthfulness that is present in all of us.
He's not that confident, but
he does that people thing so well.
So I liked him,
Uhh..
But he's too good.
Waaay too great.
And someone's asked me before,
'So because of that, you're gonna settle for someone from the bottom?
Someone like ______?'
Before,
I'd have answered yes.
But that was doubt speaking.
And because we accept the love we think we deserve,
I am not looking for a compromise,
But I don't want to be overly arrogant in thinking that I'm all that great either.
Is that still the doubt in me singing,
Or am I just being truthful?
.
It actually does sadden me to realise this
And I do feel somewhat inadequate.
But since I'm mostly into older guys,
Their experience, expanded worlds, knowledge and vast personalities
Will probably always make me feel like this.
Doesn't mean tho,
That if I do ever find someone who's just as great,
And who feels the same towards me;
I wouldn't go for it.
Of course I would, wouldn't you? ;)
But my first crush was waaaay out of my league.
You know that feeling you get when you're climbing a mountain and there's someone dangling up top, high-fiving his best friend?
Yeah, that's what it feels like.
Envy, a sort of inspiration, a sort of fear and a certain sense of deficiency.
He's not perfect of course,
But he is really, really, great
And I see now that the first time I'd felt my heart move for someone,
The first time I started tensing up around a guy like this,
The first time I hoped for someone to see me in a different light...
It had all been for someone who was from a different world,
Who deserves the beautiful and talented girlfriend he's got now,
Who will never, in a million years, be suited for me.
And no,
This isn't about confidence or self-love.
I do really like myself.
And part of it is because he's four years older,
But most of it is due to the fact that I really am not good enough for someone like that.
I think,
That this is purely self-awareness
And I'm not being overly critical of myself or anything like that, though I do do that sometimes.
Well,
Now we know.
It's kind of a daunting feeling to know that it'll take me forever to get there,
But I think I will.
I think,
That when I look in the mirror,
I don't want to be chasing a shadow, or a mould of what I hope to become;
I want to be that little something that is an enhanced, more improved version of myself.
And that,
Will be what I'll be looking towards from now on.
Side note,
....Huh, never knew that my expectations of a partner were that high.
It's not a beautiful face we're looking at here,
Or a super sweet guy,
Or even someone who's rich. (Though honestly, that aspect makes me queasy. It's his money, not mine, so why would it matter?)
Frankly, I don't really care about all that 'conditions' set in place for perfection.
In fact, his physique and voice (you know I'm all about the voice)
Hadn't been that attractive to me.
But he is hardworking, really lovable and sociable, and good at what he does.
Most importantly, he is a pot of passion without too much eccentricity,
And the emotions that he brews are of such a flavoursome combination
That I couldn't help but be attracted by that.
He's intense, and doesn't show it.
He reads people, and there is a certain haughtiness in that,
A certain lack of experience and a certain youthfulness that is present in all of us.
He's not that confident, but
he does that people thing so well.
So I liked him,
Uhh..
But he's too good.
Waaay too great.
And someone's asked me before,
'So because of that, you're gonna settle for someone from the bottom?
Someone like ______?'
Before,
I'd have answered yes.
But that was doubt speaking.
And because we accept the love we think we deserve,
I am not looking for a compromise,
But I don't want to be overly arrogant in thinking that I'm all that great either.
Is that still the doubt in me singing,
Or am I just being truthful?
.
It actually does sadden me to realise this
And I do feel somewhat inadequate.
But since I'm mostly into older guys,
Their experience, expanded worlds, knowledge and vast personalities
Will probably always make me feel like this.
Doesn't mean tho,
That if I do ever find someone who's just as great,
And who feels the same towards me;
I wouldn't go for it.
Of course I would, wouldn't you? ;)
Wednesday, 14 December 2016
December breeze
Still in love.
Strands of hair coiling this way and that around the sides of your face,
Hair up in a bun that couldn't be neat even if you tried
Nails a pale lavender, specs riding high, clouded and over-used geeky trendy
Days spent in the library, grueling hours of gawking at math
And the slow progress that ensues.
The little triumphs, the little pieces of satisfaction to be used for warmth and hope.
The Miniaturist in one hand, earphones in another,
You curl up in that little room of yours
The one with Christmas lights and dreamcatchers,
The one with all your collection of papers and notebooks.
You listen to the rain, you tap your fingers to the tune in your head.
Fingers outstretched, you ignore the runners that give you weird looks even though you aren't in their way
Quietly, you allow the flurries of air to gush hurriedly past your finger tips,
A bit like flustered squirrels and spontaneous bartenders,
A bit like blushing humans under a hot gaze.
When it gets a little colder,
You put on your grainy, mildly green sweatpants
And just dance around to your latest drug.
You try on clothes for the heck of it,
Not because you're preparing to go out
But because you're imagining the social life you don't have,
And you watch Sherlock and various shows.
You plan to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas soon,
And you plan on watching hyped up Korean dramas and comment on them in that smartarse way of yours when you're all alone.
You've got a thing for socks, too. And mugs.
Frankly the only reason why you're calling them a 'collection' is so you can sound somewhat normal about the things you love, and justify the things you do.
Sent a picture of you wearing socks
Supposedly reminiscent of Anna from Frozen
With the line, 'Increasing my sex appeal'
Which garnered the response,
'Ooh take me now you sexy beast.'
'Thanks, I shall.'
Really,
In what way is life incomplete when you're now able to do this with friends you've recently just made? Not to mention, that she's one who shares an interest in anime as well.
.
All I have to say is that all of this is really ideal,
And that I am very happy with the way things are going,
In particular, the studying.
Because at seventeen turning on eighteen,
This is the one best thing you can do for yourself.
Strands of hair coiling this way and that around the sides of your face,
Hair up in a bun that couldn't be neat even if you tried
Nails a pale lavender, specs riding high, clouded and over-used geeky trendy
Days spent in the library, grueling hours of gawking at math
And the slow progress that ensues.
The little triumphs, the little pieces of satisfaction to be used for warmth and hope.
The Miniaturist in one hand, earphones in another,
You curl up in that little room of yours
The one with Christmas lights and dreamcatchers,
The one with all your collection of papers and notebooks.
You listen to the rain, you tap your fingers to the tune in your head.
Fingers outstretched, you ignore the runners that give you weird looks even though you aren't in their way
Quietly, you allow the flurries of air to gush hurriedly past your finger tips,
A bit like flustered squirrels and spontaneous bartenders,
A bit like blushing humans under a hot gaze.
When it gets a little colder,
You put on your grainy, mildly green sweatpants
And just dance around to your latest drug.
You try on clothes for the heck of it,
Not because you're preparing to go out
But because you're imagining the social life you don't have,
And you watch Sherlock and various shows.
You plan to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas soon,
And you plan on watching hyped up Korean dramas and comment on them in that smartarse way of yours when you're all alone.
You've got a thing for socks, too. And mugs.
Frankly the only reason why you're calling them a 'collection' is so you can sound somewhat normal about the things you love, and justify the things you do.
Sent a picture of you wearing socks
Supposedly reminiscent of Anna from Frozen
With the line, 'Increasing my sex appeal'
Which garnered the response,
'Ooh take me now you sexy beast.'
'Thanks, I shall.'
Really,
In what way is life incomplete when you're now able to do this with friends you've recently just made? Not to mention, that she's one who shares an interest in anime as well.
.
All I have to say is that all of this is really ideal,
And that I am very happy with the way things are going,
In particular, the studying.
Because at seventeen turning on eighteen,
This is the one best thing you can do for yourself.
Monday, 12 December 2016
My heartbeat didn't accelerate like it does when I'm witnessing murders, or when I'm being chased. It just felt.. cold.
You guys know how it is with me and dreams-
And so, it shouldn't come as a shock that I have, once again, dreamt about death.
I suppose what really affected me was how real it all was,
How numb and cold I felt,
How in denial I was.
It was one of those long ones whereby you actually have time to think, to reflect,
And I distinctly remember trying to recall the exact last words to her.
What hit me the most was how mundane it all was;
There wasn't any dramatic argument, or door slamming, or tears shed and saliva spewed.
There wasn't any terrible things done, there wasn't any horrendous spouting.
Yet I was unable to grieve;
I was unable to utter a word
And there was slight regret at not having done anything special
Because in movies they're always saying things like 'How could I have said that to her?'
But what struck you as heart wrenching was how could I not have said anything special to her.
We don't really have the habit of kissing each other goodbye,
Or vocalizing love and thanks all that much,
And I try my best to thank her often, to smile and to say I love you,
Even if it does go against my reserved and awkward nature.
Cuz if not now, then when?
But in the dream,
It wasn't enough.
It never is.
And the suddenness of it hit me so hard,
I never did register the cause of her passing.
It just occurred to me, repeatedly,
That it could have been more than a mundane afternoon,
That it could have been something else.
The thought I had was that in life,
Death comes as sudden as in the movies,
But it's nowhere as dramatic.
Most of the time, the regrets are there even if you've lived your life trying not to have those.
Most of the time, you wish it to be a little more special- but the contradictory thing to that is that you already try to do so in real life, but it's not always and it's not every single day because you're reserved like that.
And it's always, always, regret. But more so than that was that empty and numb feeling
Like it hasn't really happened,
Like you can actually be clear headed about it, and think.
.
I awoke in the middle of the night, crying.
I hugged Mom in the morning after telling her about the dream.
And the thing was that
Even after waking up, I'd thought it real till quite some time had passed, rather forgivingly on the heart.
And so, it shouldn't come as a shock that I have, once again, dreamt about death.
I suppose what really affected me was how real it all was,
How numb and cold I felt,
How in denial I was.
It was one of those long ones whereby you actually have time to think, to reflect,
And I distinctly remember trying to recall the exact last words to her.
What hit me the most was how mundane it all was;
There wasn't any dramatic argument, or door slamming, or tears shed and saliva spewed.
There wasn't any terrible things done, there wasn't any horrendous spouting.
Yet I was unable to grieve;
I was unable to utter a word
And there was slight regret at not having done anything special
Because in movies they're always saying things like 'How could I have said that to her?'
But what struck you as heart wrenching was how could I not have said anything special to her.
We don't really have the habit of kissing each other goodbye,
Or vocalizing love and thanks all that much,
And I try my best to thank her often, to smile and to say I love you,
Even if it does go against my reserved and awkward nature.
Cuz if not now, then when?
But in the dream,
It wasn't enough.
It never is.
And the suddenness of it hit me so hard,
I never did register the cause of her passing.
It just occurred to me, repeatedly,
That it could have been more than a mundane afternoon,
That it could have been something else.
The thought I had was that in life,
Death comes as sudden as in the movies,
But it's nowhere as dramatic.
Most of the time, the regrets are there even if you've lived your life trying not to have those.
Most of the time, you wish it to be a little more special- but the contradictory thing to that is that you already try to do so in real life, but it's not always and it's not every single day because you're reserved like that.
And it's always, always, regret. But more so than that was that empty and numb feeling
Like it hasn't really happened,
Like you can actually be clear headed about it, and think.
.
I awoke in the middle of the night, crying.
I hugged Mom in the morning after telling her about the dream.
And the thing was that
Even after waking up, I'd thought it real till quite some time had passed, rather forgivingly on the heart.
Thursday, 8 December 2016
A little confused.
There is always a clear line between
someone who has a private and secretive core to his personality
And someone who purposefully withholds things from certain people.
It isn't that 'I didn't happen to ask' or anything;
You just chose to tell someone about it and deliberately left me out of the equation-
When circumstances state that by logic, I should have been informed as well.
Frankly, it's a disregard for people when you do this,
And it's all rather unnecessary and... Strange.
I honestly can't ever be sure about the reasons that drive them to do this-
Does it make you feel more mysterious, or do you enjoy the feat of keeping others in the dark, ever guessing at things when it comes to you?
It really isn't that I'm used to people opening up to me and telling me all sorts of things about themselves, and some sort of twisted pride from that causes me to find it irksome that you intentionally exclude me from necessary information about you.
It wasn't something private that you may not wish for others to know,
And it was something I should have been told,
Yet you'd told all others, others except for me.
It's weird, and for once that isn't meant in a good way
because it's like you're playing a game that only you know the cards to,
And you extract a kind of fun from it that I can see satisfies you
but which is kind of sickening,
the way you seem to feel somewhat.. superior from making others know less about you.
Frankly, it's all very deliberate and annoying,
And sometimes I read too much into things but this doesn't seem like one of them.
Cuz really, I have observed those who truly are private and closed up,
And they don't selectively impart necessary information about themselves,
To certain people and 'create' secrets- you know what I'm saying-
Information that in no way should be used in some manipulative way.
It's just strange to me, the way some people do that.
.
My head's hurting, so it's probably time to finally catch up on some sleep.
someone who has a private and secretive core to his personality
And someone who purposefully withholds things from certain people.
It isn't that 'I didn't happen to ask' or anything;
You just chose to tell someone about it and deliberately left me out of the equation-
When circumstances state that by logic, I should have been informed as well.
Frankly, it's a disregard for people when you do this,
And it's all rather unnecessary and... Strange.
I honestly can't ever be sure about the reasons that drive them to do this-
Does it make you feel more mysterious, or do you enjoy the feat of keeping others in the dark, ever guessing at things when it comes to you?
It really isn't that I'm used to people opening up to me and telling me all sorts of things about themselves, and some sort of twisted pride from that causes me to find it irksome that you intentionally exclude me from necessary information about you.
It wasn't something private that you may not wish for others to know,
And it was something I should have been told,
Yet you'd told all others, others except for me.
It's weird, and for once that isn't meant in a good way
because it's like you're playing a game that only you know the cards to,
And you extract a kind of fun from it that I can see satisfies you
but which is kind of sickening,
the way you seem to feel somewhat.. superior from making others know less about you.
Frankly, it's all very deliberate and annoying,
And sometimes I read too much into things but this doesn't seem like one of them.
Cuz really, I have observed those who truly are private and closed up,
And they don't selectively impart necessary information about themselves,
To certain people and 'create' secrets- you know what I'm saying-
Information that in no way should be used in some manipulative way.
It's just strange to me, the way some people do that.
.
My head's hurting, so it's probably time to finally catch up on some sleep.
Sunday, 4 December 2016
I may have written too much.
I did it again...
I went full-saiyan mode over some ramble with my mom,
And I say 'with', but it's really just me shooting my mouth off like a machine gun over something I'm pretty passionate about. My mind fuzzes up with all the things I'd like to say, and I forget for a moment that I usually get my respite from talking with Mr Bear, my roommate. Then there's Maven, you know. And Floppy.
But obviously it's more fun talking to humans,
And I say 'talk' but it's simply a one-sided sharing session.
Basically what happens is this: I get some thought or whatever, and I just.. talk, with twice my usual speed, stop only to take breaths, and get legit sweaty over it because we talk in weird places (like in front of the air fryer while it's heating up food, for instance.) Then, I get short of breath and stare at my mom expectantly like 'how was that'?... only to be greeted with the most engaged facial expression in the world.
It's kinda bad huh.
I haven't really done that with as many people outside of family yet,
Because I can't, and I shouldn't,
But when I do... They usually just get this blank look on their faces like my mom does and I just remain overexcited regardless because I really want to talk about it!
Well, thus far I can only really afford to be this spoilt in front of my parents,
So that's kinda good in a way.
Still.
I have always hoped for someone to be able to get hyped up over talking about book exhibitions in the US, or book clubs there, or plain movie/book/drama reviews that threaten (I mean actually do so) to spill out of my brain as verbal diarrhoea while I enjoy most of it.
Mr Bear takes the brunt of the damage,
But really I've always hoped for my parents to have common topics and interests when it comes to the conversations we share, or for them to have something they have verbal diarrhoea over, too...so that I can learn something new every day from them, or for them to have different things to say after a week, or a month, and either have no basis for it or just substantiate it with deeper thinking or reading.
They are constant in that way, and that's one thing I love about them
But it's just been something I have wanted for quite a while now,
And it's something I rarely find in the friends I make, too.
Well, it is how it is and it is what it is,
My parents and the maternal side are the most beautiful-hearted in the world,
And growing up like that makes you believe that of the actual world too
So it both makes you simple-minded in that optimistic manner, and overly naïve
And while that too has brought me loads of troubles,
It too has formed the basis of who I am.
And I am always grateful for that.
I went full-saiyan mode over some ramble with my mom,
And I say 'with', but it's really just me shooting my mouth off like a machine gun over something I'm pretty passionate about. My mind fuzzes up with all the things I'd like to say, and I forget for a moment that I usually get my respite from talking with Mr Bear, my roommate. Then there's Maven, you know. And Floppy.
But obviously it's more fun talking to humans,
And I say 'talk' but it's simply a one-sided sharing session.
Basically what happens is this: I get some thought or whatever, and I just.. talk, with twice my usual speed, stop only to take breaths, and get legit sweaty over it because we talk in weird places (like in front of the air fryer while it's heating up food, for instance.) Then, I get short of breath and stare at my mom expectantly like 'how was that'?... only to be greeted with the most engaged facial expression in the world.
It's kinda bad huh.
I haven't really done that with as many people outside of family yet,
Because I can't, and I shouldn't,
But when I do... They usually just get this blank look on their faces like my mom does and I just remain overexcited regardless because I really want to talk about it!
Well, thus far I can only really afford to be this spoilt in front of my parents,
So that's kinda good in a way.
Still.
I have always hoped for someone to be able to get hyped up over talking about book exhibitions in the US, or book clubs there, or plain movie/book/drama reviews that threaten (I mean actually do so) to spill out of my brain as verbal diarrhoea while I enjoy most of it.
Mr Bear takes the brunt of the damage,
But really I've always hoped for my parents to have common topics and interests when it comes to the conversations we share, or for them to have something they have verbal diarrhoea over, too...so that I can learn something new every day from them, or for them to have different things to say after a week, or a month, and either have no basis for it or just substantiate it with deeper thinking or reading.
They are constant in that way, and that's one thing I love about them
But it's just been something I have wanted for quite a while now,
And it's something I rarely find in the friends I make, too.
Well, it is how it is and it is what it is,
My parents and the maternal side are the most beautiful-hearted in the world,
And growing up like that makes you believe that of the actual world too
So it both makes you simple-minded in that optimistic manner, and overly naïve
And while that too has brought me loads of troubles,
It too has formed the basis of who I am.
And I am always grateful for that.
Saturday, 3 December 2016
So much to say!
One thing I really really wanna make clear is that Yuri on Ice is truly not just a typical yaoi anime, where the focus is on stereotypical characters and a sexual relationship. I mean, don't get me wrong, sex is a part of healthy relationships and all but honestly LGBT relationships have been fetishized in anime, sexualized to the point where the characters don't even resemble real life people anymore, and the progression of their relationships escalate quickly to involve sex without much emotional buildup, attachment, and depth.
The thing is that LGBT relationships shouldn't be demonized, but they shouldn't be converted into porn-like material in order for it to be palatable, either.
It should be the beautiful love stories that we see in typical romance-tagged movies and dramas, where they face relatable issues and seem like real, genuine people.
To quote, Yuri on ice depicts a pure kind of emotional and physical attraction for one another without feitshizing those emotions, and that is why it's so amazing and groundbreaking.
Actual LGBT people can relate to the characters who actually have individuality to them,
And it perhaps helps the unaware realise or the ones in denial comes to terms with their sexuality.
I have friends from this community, so I suppose it's safe for me to say that this really is helpful; that LGBT people are constantly trying to find representation in media, and that it is truly scant, fetishized, and all in all rather terrible in the messages that it delivers.
Yuri on ice has meaning in it, and the characters, the relationship, is developed.
That's why I love it.
And to clarify, this really isn't an anime made for fujoshi (fan girls who nose bleed over yaoi, which is gay relationships without real people with connection and individuality). Of course it too is appreciated by them, but it really isn't an anime that can be reduced to mere fanservice.
Rather, it is something everyone should watch,
Because it not only portrays those of the LGBT community as normal humans with emotions, interests, and emotional vulnerability, thereby shedding light on the community itself and raising awareness that way; it too helps those of the LGBT community find themselves in media, and make them happy because of it.
I know that loads of people have been telling you about this anime,
In these exact words: "It's not yaoi but a sports anime that happens to have a gay relationship in it", but it really is true and we can't just demote and devalue it to a mere sexual show aimed at making people have nosebleeds.
Rationally speaking, even without fangirling over this anime like a lot of people are
you can love it for the wonderful meaning of having this anime out there in the first place,
And it just wonderful, ain't it?
.
I need to stop making things sound better than they are;
And please, Yuri on ice is a revolutionary literary product and I mean it with all my heart.
The buffet, however, actually didn't provide that much of a range in food,
Which meant that there wasn't many choices for me to choose from.
Dessert is the most important, and there was literally only one- Brownies.
That's it!
The meat were fresh and all, but you have to admit- they don't taste as great as they should be. I have had better tasting ones, ones with deeper flavour and stuffs.
I didn't get to try the heavenly steaks that I see Youtubers have,
And actually the truth of it all is that I was rather disappointed by the food.
There were only four types of ice cream, and they were far from being impressive, only satisfactory. There wasn't even chocolate or vanilla, and the toppings were pretty sad.
The fries were disgusting, soggy and over-salted,
But the sushi was really good.
The experience though was amazing;
I loved that I had it with friends and we had fun cooking the meat.
Actual meat-wise however, I've had so much better. Other than its freshness and range, there really isn't anything that makes me want to return to it.
That said, though, I'm glad this was my first buffet experience.
Overpriced and overhyped or not,
It really is more about the experience
even though I spent days fantasizing about what the food would be like.
I won't ever be back, not in a million years,
but I sure as anything am happy I did this at least once.
.
I reaaaallly do need to stop saying things I don't really mean just for the sake of being nice about things.
Up here, at least, I shouldn't.
It's not lying,
But it's a lot of withheld thoughts on my part and a lot of quiet smiles.
Of course, I said nothing about what I thought of the food since my friends seemed so happy over it, and I was happy that they made me happy, too,
And that was the right thing to do cuz what are you doing going around being overly honest and vocal and therefore insensitive and rude, commenting on things that other people clearly enjoy, right?
But I shall at least be honest about the food up here.
.
Ah, but let me stress that I did enjoy it! The experience, that is.
.
Meanwhile, I shall search for buffets with actual good food,
And plan roti prata buffets or dessert buffets even if I'm gonna end up going all alone.
The thing is that LGBT relationships shouldn't be demonized, but they shouldn't be converted into porn-like material in order for it to be palatable, either.
It should be the beautiful love stories that we see in typical romance-tagged movies and dramas, where they face relatable issues and seem like real, genuine people.
To quote, Yuri on ice depicts a pure kind of emotional and physical attraction for one another without feitshizing those emotions, and that is why it's so amazing and groundbreaking.
Actual LGBT people can relate to the characters who actually have individuality to them,
And it perhaps helps the unaware realise or the ones in denial comes to terms with their sexuality.
I have friends from this community, so I suppose it's safe for me to say that this really is helpful; that LGBT people are constantly trying to find representation in media, and that it is truly scant, fetishized, and all in all rather terrible in the messages that it delivers.
Yuri on ice has meaning in it, and the characters, the relationship, is developed.
That's why I love it.
And to clarify, this really isn't an anime made for fujoshi (fan girls who nose bleed over yaoi, which is gay relationships without real people with connection and individuality). Of course it too is appreciated by them, but it really isn't an anime that can be reduced to mere fanservice.
Rather, it is something everyone should watch,
Because it not only portrays those of the LGBT community as normal humans with emotions, interests, and emotional vulnerability, thereby shedding light on the community itself and raising awareness that way; it too helps those of the LGBT community find themselves in media, and make them happy because of it.
I know that loads of people have been telling you about this anime,
In these exact words: "It's not yaoi but a sports anime that happens to have a gay relationship in it", but it really is true and we can't just demote and devalue it to a mere sexual show aimed at making people have nosebleeds.
Rationally speaking, even without fangirling over this anime like a lot of people are
you can love it for the wonderful meaning of having this anime out there in the first place,
And it just wonderful, ain't it?
.
I need to stop making things sound better than they are;
And please, Yuri on ice is a revolutionary literary product and I mean it with all my heart.
The buffet, however, actually didn't provide that much of a range in food,
Which meant that there wasn't many choices for me to choose from.
Dessert is the most important, and there was literally only one- Brownies.
That's it!
The meat were fresh and all, but you have to admit- they don't taste as great as they should be. I have had better tasting ones, ones with deeper flavour and stuffs.
I didn't get to try the heavenly steaks that I see Youtubers have,
And actually the truth of it all is that I was rather disappointed by the food.
There were only four types of ice cream, and they were far from being impressive, only satisfactory. There wasn't even chocolate or vanilla, and the toppings were pretty sad.
The fries were disgusting, soggy and over-salted,
But the sushi was really good.
The experience though was amazing;
I loved that I had it with friends and we had fun cooking the meat.
Actual meat-wise however, I've had so much better. Other than its freshness and range, there really isn't anything that makes me want to return to it.
That said, though, I'm glad this was my first buffet experience.
Overpriced and overhyped or not,
It really is more about the experience
even though I spent days fantasizing about what the food would be like.
I won't ever be back, not in a million years,
but I sure as anything am happy I did this at least once.
.
I reaaaallly do need to stop saying things I don't really mean just for the sake of being nice about things.
Up here, at least, I shouldn't.
It's not lying,
But it's a lot of withheld thoughts on my part and a lot of quiet smiles.
Of course, I said nothing about what I thought of the food since my friends seemed so happy over it, and I was happy that they made me happy, too,
And that was the right thing to do cuz what are you doing going around being overly honest and vocal and therefore insensitive and rude, commenting on things that other people clearly enjoy, right?
But I shall at least be honest about the food up here.
.
Ah, but let me stress that I did enjoy it! The experience, that is.
.
Meanwhile, I shall search for buffets with actual good food,
And plan roti prata buffets or dessert buffets even if I'm gonna end up going all alone.
Friday, 2 December 2016
A series of minute records.
One of my all-time favourites.
First buffet date out with friends,
And it's at Seoul garden-
Which means that you have a lot, a lot, a looooot of meat.
I am a pretty hardcore meat lover myself,
So this was a really amazing experience for me.
Thing is, since it was my first time and all,
I may or may not have gotten overexcited for it and eaten a lot.
By a lot, I mean that I continued eating even after I felt full.
And by continue eating, I mean I continued till I literally couldn't stay sitting,
And my tummy hurt from all of it.
I did do the two silliest things you can do at a buffet, after all.
Rice as a first course, and glasses of water at the very end.
Home, and Mom tells me that her first experience ended up in puke and loads of pain.
I came close to that, but it wasn't nearly as horrifying a story.
I'm sorry, but I just had to chuckle at that- I mean, how alike can we get?!
I'm her daughter for a reason huh 😂
Well well wellll.
Please don't think me lame and silly;
Thank you.
.
Oh, if only my fourteen/fifteen year-old self could see me now.
To think,
That my best dreams have come true-
That this is only a small part of that endearing fulfilment:
First buffet date with friends, chatting and laughing over how they look like they're murdering food when cooking the meat, first karaoke date (which didn't go too well but was nonetheless fun), play-watching with people who have discussions with you on it afterwards, who get hooked on songs from musicals like you do, who sing along with you during cca sessions, shop dates with girly humans who text you pictures of their outfits, and loads, loads, loads of other great things that I once could only wish for; things like merely studying with friends who work hard at things alongside you, who are willing to help you slightly with math when you absolutely need it.
I know I've harped on it waaay too much last year,
But I'm just so happy, so glad, and so satisfied that I am finally doing all the things teenagers do, and that I have choices- choices in the sense that I've got people who share my interests of anime, people who can talk about books and movies and drama, and people who can talk about issues of the world in general.
My world is still small,
But it's no longer tiny,
And I'm no longer clammed up from sadness.
.
I've been studying at the school library with friends this entire week,
And it's just been really nice cuz I stayed for some of the night study sessions
(You know how I feel about dark nights and the silence of studying in it.)
I'm at the halfway point of the hours that I'm supposed to clock
I am completing roughly a math chapter a day,
And while that's slow, and the first couple days were nothing short of infuriating,
I'm gradually starting to see improvement.
It's actually starting to not seem impossible
Like all hope isn't lost, like things can be brushed up on, you know that?
I'll redo those tutorials for as many times as it takes for my answers to be accurate and for my brain to quit freezing up in exam situations. Oh, and for my speed to improve- that's kinda the major problem right now.
Then, there is Bio and Chem,
But for now we'll focus everything on Bio and Math,
Math being my first priority.
I can't help but feel like this is the ideal JC life-
Buffet with friends, studying with friends,
interests and conversations, and the happy results that come with it.
It's gon' work, I just know it!
One step at a time, that's how.
.
Meanwhile, I shall hope for my math lecturer to not tire of my constant texting
Every single day.
(I can't help it, I'm desperate and my actual math tutor is the type to tell me to consult her when needed in that nice manner, but blue-ticks the questions I send her or tells me to look at solutions-
In which case, seeeeeriously.. if I'd understood from the solutions, would I be asking you?)
So yes, I am low-key in love with my math lecturer for being so hardworking and patient with me. He isn't even obliged to help me, after all.
(Just goes to show, that some teachers are on an entirely different level from the others huh)
.
I've just found out today,
But someone I stayed away from a long time ago
for the reason that her mom seeks me out as a personal messenger alike to a domestic pigeon, and a personal in-house counsellor, gets me to teach her daughter for academic things, flatters me in that way you know I dislike, and in my opinion takes a little advantage of my mom's kindness-
Has been really nice about mentioning me to her friends (and therefore one of mine).
I don't know, I feel really bad-
It's not her fault her mom pressures people and isn't particularly genuine.
She is great when on her own, and we did get along really well.
I suppose it just caught me off guard that someone would have a somewhat fond way of remembering me aloud to others, when I had chosen to leave her life like that, for the sole reason of my own well being.
I feel a little guilty,
but still I'd stayed away because it really stressed me out and was really exhausting.
(We did use to hang out almost daily, after all)
Thing is,
She isn't the only one.
There has been others like her,
Other friends whom I've had
who made me feel like I was there for a purpose,
Not a strong relationship, or happiness, or fun,
But tangible goals to be ticked off a checklist,
Legitimate benefits that I should be bringing them every time I visit.
And even if I was indeed appreciated for it,
It didn't feel very good.
If I hadn't taken what people said that seriously,
It might have ended up slightly better.
Really, was staying away for the sake of myself the right thing to do?
I can't help but feel bad,
Because it seems like such a selfish reason.
First buffet date out with friends,
And it's at Seoul garden-
Which means that you have a lot, a lot, a looooot of meat.
I am a pretty hardcore meat lover myself,
So this was a really amazing experience for me.
Thing is, since it was my first time and all,
I may or may not have gotten overexcited for it and eaten a lot.
By a lot, I mean that I continued eating even after I felt full.
And by continue eating, I mean I continued till I literally couldn't stay sitting,
And my tummy hurt from all of it.
I did do the two silliest things you can do at a buffet, after all.
Rice as a first course, and glasses of water at the very end.
Home, and Mom tells me that her first experience ended up in puke and loads of pain.
I came close to that, but it wasn't nearly as horrifying a story.
I'm sorry, but I just had to chuckle at that- I mean, how alike can we get?!
I'm her daughter for a reason huh 😂
Well well wellll.
Please don't think me lame and silly;
Thank you.
.
Oh, if only my fourteen/fifteen year-old self could see me now.
To think,
That my best dreams have come true-
That this is only a small part of that endearing fulfilment:
First buffet date with friends, chatting and laughing over how they look like they're murdering food when cooking the meat, first karaoke date (which didn't go too well but was nonetheless fun), play-watching with people who have discussions with you on it afterwards, who get hooked on songs from musicals like you do, who sing along with you during cca sessions, shop dates with girly humans who text you pictures of their outfits, and loads, loads, loads of other great things that I once could only wish for; things like merely studying with friends who work hard at things alongside you, who are willing to help you slightly with math when you absolutely need it.
I know I've harped on it waaay too much last year,
But I'm just so happy, so glad, and so satisfied that I am finally doing all the things teenagers do, and that I have choices- choices in the sense that I've got people who share my interests of anime, people who can talk about books and movies and drama, and people who can talk about issues of the world in general.
My world is still small,
But it's no longer tiny,
And I'm no longer clammed up from sadness.
.
I've been studying at the school library with friends this entire week,
And it's just been really nice cuz I stayed for some of the night study sessions
(You know how I feel about dark nights and the silence of studying in it.)
I'm at the halfway point of the hours that I'm supposed to clock
I am completing roughly a math chapter a day,
And while that's slow, and the first couple days were nothing short of infuriating,
I'm gradually starting to see improvement.
It's actually starting to not seem impossible
Like all hope isn't lost, like things can be brushed up on, you know that?
I'll redo those tutorials for as many times as it takes for my answers to be accurate and for my brain to quit freezing up in exam situations. Oh, and for my speed to improve- that's kinda the major problem right now.
Then, there is Bio and Chem,
But for now we'll focus everything on Bio and Math,
Math being my first priority.
I can't help but feel like this is the ideal JC life-
Buffet with friends, studying with friends,
interests and conversations, and the happy results that come with it.
It's gon' work, I just know it!
One step at a time, that's how.
.
Meanwhile, I shall hope for my math lecturer to not tire of my constant texting
Every single day.
(I can't help it, I'm desperate and my actual math tutor is the type to tell me to consult her when needed in that nice manner, but blue-ticks the questions I send her or tells me to look at solutions-
In which case, seeeeeriously.. if I'd understood from the solutions, would I be asking you?)
So yes, I am low-key in love with my math lecturer for being so hardworking and patient with me. He isn't even obliged to help me, after all.
(Just goes to show, that some teachers are on an entirely different level from the others huh)
.
I've just found out today,
But someone I stayed away from a long time ago
for the reason that her mom seeks me out as a personal messenger alike to a domestic pigeon, and a personal in-house counsellor, gets me to teach her daughter for academic things, flatters me in that way you know I dislike, and in my opinion takes a little advantage of my mom's kindness-
Has been really nice about mentioning me to her friends (and therefore one of mine).
I don't know, I feel really bad-
It's not her fault her mom pressures people and isn't particularly genuine.
She is great when on her own, and we did get along really well.
I suppose it just caught me off guard that someone would have a somewhat fond way of remembering me aloud to others, when I had chosen to leave her life like that, for the sole reason of my own well being.
I feel a little guilty,
but still I'd stayed away because it really stressed me out and was really exhausting.
(We did use to hang out almost daily, after all)
Thing is,
She isn't the only one.
There has been others like her,
Other friends whom I've had
who made me feel like I was there for a purpose,
Not a strong relationship, or happiness, or fun,
But tangible goals to be ticked off a checklist,
Legitimate benefits that I should be bringing them every time I visit.
And even if I was indeed appreciated for it,
It didn't feel very good.
If I hadn't taken what people said that seriously,
It might have ended up slightly better.
Really, was staying away for the sake of myself the right thing to do?
I can't help but feel bad,
Because it seems like such a selfish reason.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)