I think, that we all do this; We fall for someone twirling amongst the skies.

I realise now,
But my first crush was waaaay out of my league.

You know that feeling you get when you're climbing a mountain and there's someone dangling up top, high-fiving his best friend?
Yeah, that's what it feels like.
Envy, a sort of inspiration, a sort of fear and a certain sense of deficiency.
He's not perfect of course,
But he is really, really, great
And I see now that the first time I'd felt my heart move for someone,
The first time I started tensing up around a guy like this,
The first time I hoped for someone to see me in a different light...

It had all been for someone who was from a different world,
Who deserves the beautiful and talented girlfriend he's got now,
Who will never, in a million years, be suited for me.

And no,
This isn't about confidence or self-love.
I do really like myself.
And part of it is because he's four years older,
But most of it is due to the fact that I really am not good enough for someone like that.

I think,
That this is purely self-awareness
And I'm not being overly critical of myself or anything like that, though I do do that sometimes.

Well,
Now we know.
It's kind of a daunting feeling to know that it'll take me forever to get there,
But I think I will.

I think,
That when I look in the mirror,
I don't want to be chasing a shadow, or a mould of what I hope to become;
I want to be that little something that is an enhanced, more improved version of myself.

And that,
Will be what I'll be looking  towards from now on.


Side note,

....Huh, never knew that my expectations of a partner were that high.
It's not a beautiful face we're looking at here,
Or a super sweet guy,
Or even someone who's rich. (Though honestly, that aspect makes me queasy. It's his money, not mine, so why would it matter?)
Frankly, I don't really care about all that 'conditions' set in place for perfection.
In fact, his physique and voice (you know I'm all about the voice)
Hadn't been that attractive to me.
But he is hardworking, really lovable and sociable, and good at what he does.
Most importantly, he is a pot of passion without too much eccentricity,
And the emotions that he brews are of such a flavoursome combination
That I couldn't help but be attracted by that.

He's intense, and doesn't show it.
He reads people, and there is a certain haughtiness in that,
A certain lack of experience and a certain youthfulness that is present in all of us.
He's not that confident, but
he does that people thing so well.

So I liked him,


Uhh..
But he's too good.
Waaay too great.

And someone's asked me before,
'So because of that, you're gonna settle for someone from the bottom?
Someone like ______?'


Before,
I'd have answered yes.

But that was doubt speaking.

And because we accept the love we think we deserve,
I am not looking for a compromise,
But I don't want to be overly arrogant in thinking that I'm all that great either.


Is that still the doubt in me singing,
Or am I just being truthful?


.
It actually does sadden me to realise this
And I do feel somewhat inadequate.
But since I'm mostly into older guys,
Their experience, expanded worlds, knowledge and vast personalities
Will probably always make me feel like this.

Doesn't mean tho,
That if I do ever find someone who's just as great,
And who feels the same towards me;

I wouldn't go for it.


Of course I would, wouldn't you? ;)