A series of minute records.

One of my all-time favourites.


First buffet date out with friends,
And it's at Seoul garden-
Which means that you have a lot, a lot, a looooot of meat.

I am a pretty hardcore meat lover myself,
So this was a really amazing experience for me.

Thing is, since it was my first time and all,
I may or may not have gotten overexcited for it and eaten a lot.

By a lot, I mean that I continued eating even after I felt full.
And by continue eating, I mean I continued till I literally couldn't stay sitting,
And my tummy hurt from all of it.

I did do the two silliest things you can do at a buffet, after all.
Rice as a first course, and glasses of water at the very end.

Home, and Mom tells me that her first experience ended up in puke and loads of pain.
I came close to that, but it wasn't nearly as horrifying a story.
I'm sorry, but I just had to chuckle at that- I mean, how alike can we get?!
I'm her daughter for a reason huh 😂


Well well wellll.
Please don't think me lame and silly;
Thank you.

.

Oh, if only my fourteen/fifteen year-old self could see me now.

To think,
That my best dreams have come true-
That this is only a small part of that endearing fulfilment:
First buffet date with friends, chatting and laughing over how they look like they're murdering food when cooking the meat, first karaoke date (which didn't go too well but was nonetheless fun), play-watching with people who have discussions with you on it afterwards, who get hooked on songs from musicals like you do, who sing along with you during cca sessions, shop dates with girly humans who text you pictures of their outfits, and loads, loads, loads of other great things that I once could only wish for; things like merely studying with friends who work hard at things alongside you, who are willing to help you slightly with math when you absolutely need it.

I know I've harped on it waaay too much last year,
But I'm just so happy, so glad, and so satisfied that I am finally doing all the things teenagers do, and that I have choices- choices in the sense that I've got people who share my interests of anime, people who can talk about books and movies and drama, and people who can talk about issues of the world in general.
My world is still small,
But it's no longer tiny,
And I'm no longer clammed up from sadness.

.

I've been studying at the school library with friends this entire week,
And it's just been really nice cuz I stayed for some of the night study sessions
(You know how I feel about dark nights and the silence of studying in it.)

I'm at the halfway point of the hours that I'm supposed to clock
I am completing roughly a math chapter a day,
And while that's slow, and the first couple days were nothing short of infuriating,
I'm gradually starting to see improvement.

It's actually starting to not seem impossible
Like all hope isn't lost, like things can be brushed up on, you know that?

I'll redo those tutorials for as many times as it takes for my answers to be accurate and for my brain to quit freezing up in exam situations. Oh, and for my speed to improve- that's kinda the major problem right now.

Then, there is Bio and Chem,
But for now we'll focus everything on Bio and Math,
Math being my first priority.

I can't help but feel like this is the ideal JC life-
Buffet with friends, studying with friends,
interests and conversations,  and the happy results that come with it.

It's gon' work, I just know it!
One step at a time, that's how.



.
Meanwhile, I shall hope for my math lecturer to not tire of my constant texting
Every single day.

(I can't help it, I'm desperate and my actual math tutor is the type to tell me to consult her when needed in that nice manner, but blue-ticks  the questions I send her or  tells me to look at solutions-
In which case, seeeeeriously.. if I'd understood from the solutions, would I be asking you?)

So yes, I am low-key in love with my math lecturer for being so hardworking and patient with me. He isn't even obliged to help me, after all.

(Just goes to show, that some teachers  are on an entirely different level from the others huh)

.


I've just found out today,
But someone I stayed away from a long time ago
for the reason that her mom seeks me out as a personal messenger alike to a domestic pigeon, and a personal in-house counsellor, gets me to teach her daughter for academic things, flatters me in that way you know I dislike, and in my opinion takes a little advantage of my mom's kindness-

Has been really nice about mentioning me to her friends (and therefore one of mine).

I don't know, I feel really bad-
It's not her fault her mom pressures people and isn't particularly genuine.

She is great when on her own, and we did get along really well.

I suppose it just caught me off guard that someone would have a somewhat fond way of remembering me aloud to others, when I had chosen to leave her life like that, for the sole reason of my own well being.

I feel a little guilty,
but still I'd stayed away because it really stressed me out and was really exhausting.
(We did use to hang out almost daily, after all)

Thing is,
She isn't the only one.

There has been others like her,
Other  friends whom I've had
who made me feel like I was there for a purpose,
Not a strong relationship, or happiness, or fun,
But tangible goals to be ticked off a checklist,
Legitimate benefits that I should be bringing them every time I visit.

And even if I was indeed appreciated for it,
It didn't feel very good.

If I hadn't taken what people said that seriously,
It might have ended up slightly better.

Really, was staying away for the sake of myself the right thing to do?

I can't help but feel bad,
Because it seems like such a selfish reason.