My heartbeat didn't accelerate like it does when I'm witnessing murders, or when I'm being chased. It just felt.. cold.

You guys know how it is with me and dreams-
And so, it shouldn't come as a shock that I have, once again, dreamt about death.
I suppose what really affected me was how real it all was,
How numb and cold I felt,
How in denial I was.

It was one of those long ones whereby you actually have time to think, to reflect,
And I distinctly remember trying to recall the exact last words to her.

What hit me the most was how mundane it all was;
There wasn't any dramatic argument, or door slamming, or tears shed and saliva spewed.
There wasn't any terrible things done, there wasn't any horrendous spouting.

Yet I was unable to grieve;
I was unable to utter a word
And there was slight regret at not having done anything special
Because in movies they're always saying things like 'How could I have said that to her?'
But what struck you as heart wrenching was how could I not have said anything special to her.


We don't really have the habit of kissing each other goodbye,
Or vocalizing love and thanks all that much,
And I try my best to thank her often, to smile and to say I love you,
Even if it does go against my reserved and awkward nature.
Cuz if not now, then when?

But in the dream,
It wasn't enough.

It never is.

And the suddenness of it hit me so hard,
I never did register the cause of her passing.

It just occurred to me, repeatedly,
That it could have been more than a mundane afternoon,
That it could have been something else.

The thought I had was that in life,
Death comes as sudden as in the movies,
But it's nowhere as dramatic.
Most of the time, the regrets are there even if you've lived your life trying not to have those.
Most of the time, you wish it to be a little more special- but the contradictory thing to that is that you already try to do so in real life, but it's not always and it's not every single day because you're reserved like that.

And it's always, always, regret. But more so than that was that empty and numb feeling
Like it hasn't really happened,
Like you can actually be clear headed about it, and think.


.

I awoke in the middle of the night, crying.

I hugged Mom in the morning after telling her about the dream.





And the thing was that
Even after waking up, I'd thought it real till quite some time had passed, rather forgivingly on the heart.