Twirl.

I don't usually do this but...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4GUMP6NNacc

^This is unbelievably sexy.

I close my eyes, tell myself, that my dreams will come true.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CaksNlNniis

Simply beaut.

Why, yes, I am simply spamming you with my latest loves, now.

What else, what else..
I know that there are quite a few other songs,
 but I happen not to be able to recall them right now.

Anywayz
Have a great day, won't ya?;)

Still gotta wake up and be someone.

Still gotta wake up and be someone.

"In a way, you are a truly balanced person. You have a good sense of self, but you have periods of worry and self doubt. You don't like to be alone a lot, but you don't like being constantly surrounded, either. You can be shy in some situations and bold in others. You can tell people how you feel, but you don't wear your heart on your sleeve. You aren't "TOO" anything: You aren't too shy, you aren't too aggressive, you aren't too extroverted, you aren't too introverted. However at any one time you can be any combination of these things.

You tend to adapt yourself to match the situations in which you find yourself. You may be quiet and sensitive with some people, or joking and loud with others. These are all facets of your personality. People tend to perceive you as they want to perceive you. They may even tend to idealize you a bit. Then, when you do something that doesn't fit their concept of who you are (like have an outburst of anger, or a fit of shyness, or make an insensitive joke)they can be shocked and surprised. Does anyone know the real you?

Your daemon would represent your multi-faceted and ever-changing personality, as well as people's tendency to idealize you. He or she would get angry when you did not, be calm and poised when you felt ruffled and anxious, and always be the voice of emotion and reason in your ear.

Suggested forms: Swan, Elephant, Koala, Panda, Chameleon, Wolf."

.

So that was one of those quizzes that somehow rings extremely true.

Oh, and that one song that is absolutely amazing in describing what it feels right now.

"Doesn't matter who you are or what you've done,
something in the world will make a fool of you."

It was recommended by one of the new people I'm getting to know,
And we texted each other for two hours yesterday-

For the first time, I've done something like this that is teenager-ish, 
And, well, it's actually not too bad.
Awesome humans, huh? ;)

.

I'm doing a lot of unnecessary things.

This isn't the way to do it;

It's just adding unnecessary shit on top of everything else, really.

Uhh...

Those who cause your anguish really shouldn't be treated with nicely,

With truth, or even respect.

I don't know why I do it; something's wrong with me.

So,

I suppose I just gotta act like nothing's wrong because that works so much better, and they aren't humans worth all that heart. 

At least I was able to resolve all of this through my own effort.

At least that's something to be proud of... I guess.

.

Apparently I've functioned on such a jacked up sleep cycle for so long,

I can't feel the effects any longer.

If I will myself to 'focus', the urge to deconstruct my brain right there and then disappears, and if I tell myself to 'let go and rest', I can do exactly that and I'll basically sleep for as long as possible before I wake myself up again.

Ah. All of us are sleep deprived, aren't we?

Let's set aside more time for that rejuvenative business, shall we?

Streaky paint

It's been another bad day..
But I shan't trouble you with that.

As the last day of school, though,
I suppose it's all alright and I really just need to strengthen and upgrade myself,
so that there is no time for bishes and douches and past-friends.

Mm, that came out right.
I really don't want to be as affected up here as I can get, sometimes
And that has helped in a way.

When I see you, my friend, struggling with your presentation
I get this urge to help you like I help some of my classmates,
But then I have to physically remind myself that you are like all the other 'friends' that I've had, that if I forget about this one time, things will repeat themselves and my situation will worsen yet again.

I can't be a fool that lets people exploit me, I just can't.
I'm not a victim and I'm not without my backbone;
I have to protect myself around these people.

.
Anyways.
Ever since I've let go of you, my friend,
People have been warming up to me, and that's just so nice of them, you know that?
I wasn't ever able to see it when you were all around, but now I do, I really do. It's so bright and uplifting.. you know that?
And they always have, and now it'd seem as though that gap I've felt with humans is somewhat self-inflicted (only with certain people, most humans still feel distant), and that I really should deepen those relations a little.

Just for the sake of myself,
Just for, me,
I really should open up a little and make a few friends before I go,
Before we all leave this school.

This is the prime of my youth after all
I've got to do something with that;
I've got to study really really hard this holiday
And shove all these negative happenings to the side.

Dats right,
I have a life to live, things to do.
I can't be tied down like this, I can't get so sad I can't function.

These hurt feelings will one day subside;
Till then, I will remain as myself and upgrade, me.

It'll probably take a few more tears and a few more broken-hearted days,
but I'll get there.

Ways you can treat a wounded heart

0.2) Clean your room.
Having been busy and all that, it is likely that the remnants of your last inspired attempt at something artsy is still hanging around, books are littering your room and you haven't vacuumed in five days instead of the usual two-three.
So I'd cleaned things up that one day I felt bad,
And it just helped so so much.

0.7) Clean yourself.
It's because it's Singapore, you're constantly sweating and your face is a collection of grime and tear stains.
At first, it feels terrible to even function properly like this,
But doing it just turns life around instantaneously,
And you just feel so much better about everything.

1) Having food brought to you, and not get forced for it.
If you're like me, chances are you starve yourself without the intention to diet or anything like that. It isn't out of spite but out of negligence, and you either forget to eat or lose the desire for it entirely.
I was going to reject the egg tarts Mom brought.. but they were warm to the touch and warm food aren't to be rejected. They just aren't; cuz food's value quadruples when it's warm and warm food is... too warm to be rejected. (Now, let us drop the topic gracefully.)
Aaanywayz. I'm glad that Mom doesn't force me to eat or sit me down to a lecture because, as I said, this isn't a tantrum. It's just that I need time and I hibernate without food storage in that time.
Even till now my appetite is hiding from me and nowhere to be found,
But at least the urge to puke isn't present anymore, and that's alright.

And no, I don't have issues with eating; it's just how I cope.

2) Tell someone.
Yeah, obviously this was gonna be on the list.
And, well, if it is coming from a friendless fibre like me, you know it really is necessary.
Mom is amazing, really, to be there for me when I was crying at midnight and all I really needed was a hug- that which she gave without me even having to verbalize it.
All my crying done and chucked away on Friday, when friends from drama and I met up the next day for Rent, a musical, I somehow ended up giving a simple summary of what happened. And they did this really nice thing.. whereby one of them put an arm around my shoulder and told me, 'It's okay, you have us. You're here now.', whilst the other shoved me a fry calling it a 'carb fix'.
And it's just crazy because if you do remember
back when I joined in 2014, they were all so cold and hostile. I honestly haven't done much to even display my personality when with them, and yet when I'm down in the dumps with no friends left, they are there for me. Of course they're amazing people too, but-

It's crazy what time does to people, ain't it?

3) Think it through.
And I really needed this because I needed to realise the one reason that I'm left with no friends on such a frequent basis.
When I first get to know people, I look out for the flaws. Call it wariness or anything that fits your understanding, but it's something I do to filter out people. And I suppose that was the worst part here.. because I'd known from the get go that you're extremely selfish despite your near-invisible voice and habit of clutching your arm defensively when talking. It appears as though you have no opinion and just follow people along mindlessly, but you do have thoughts, even if they are easily influenced by people and you don't voice them out. Still, you're not as opinionated as you paint yourself out to be, and if your well being is ever threatened you will stab and push people aside with no hesitation.
It doesn't make me noble or great, but I ignored all of this because you were my only friend in class, and it's been two years of studying together, of having lunches together and discussing food, of me waiting for you while you spent decades in the toilet, leading to us being late to lectures and lessons.. of us sitting together for every subject's lesson that we share.
And I do this to all people, I ignore the bad and focus on your better qualities, I get used to your presence even if I don't open up all that much,
And without me realising it, come to depend on you as a mundane presence in my daily life- even if you aren't a source of emotional support, nor are we close enough that you know what I think and how I tick.

That is why it feels like such a loss.
And that is why, even though it's alright to be an extremely selfish person who protects herself, it genuinely hurt me that you would do it so unflinchingly, without any traces of remorse, to someone like me that you call a 'friend'.
Because all you had to do was to explain it to me nicely, and I would have had to give in to the idea being presented by you because you wouldn't budge, and I can't force people.
Let's just say that your reasoning on Friday is completely acceptable,
Let's just say that when you flared up at me twice it really wasn't you taking me for granted or that you were devaluing me, but that you were really, really stressed out and self-control has deserted you, completely.

That is why I don't feel anything when I look at you now.
You seem to think that I'm withholding anger, which is why you're still following me around and trying to be nice again.
But the truth is that after all that thinking I did, after all that crying,
I had this thought that there are certain things that a 'friend' has to have,
Things like regard for me, things like some sort of concern.

Yet you'd said such hurtful and selfish things.
And it'd have been fine if you just forced that decision upon me to drop the idea and accept the bish's, but you had to win and you had to act like the good person even after all that.
The thing is that someone had to give in, and it'd have been me regardless (you know why),  but the way you fought for it was so ugly and heartless.

It shouldn't be that you throw things away as easily as you would a toy,
When it suits you and when you are slightly threatened.
It shouldn't be that you're now trying to befriend me again because now that you've got the idea, you have no other friends in class like I am, and you're trying to get everything that's good for you.

I guess it still saddens me that you don't feel seem to feel like you've done anything wrong; like it's perfectly natural and alright to spit on a friend for your own sake, then try to get her back afterwards when it's completely convenient for you.
You are acting like nothing's wrong instead of even vaguely reflecting upon whatever it was that was in your brain, so that's probably the last reason I need.


And that is why,
I'd felt disappointment and loss at some point, and when I'm alone,
But when I see your actual face,
I feel nothing.
It's the lack of emotion I feel for you that truly surprises me,
But it just means that I have faced things the right way.

.
One thing that affected me was how
I'm back to square one, yet again.
It has turned out to be a bad friend, someone who doesn't treasure my existence in the least bit, and I am left with no friends in the class, no friends but the ones that I don't share the mundane with.

But it's alright,
It's not that I haven't been able to converse with them;
If I want to, I can deepen those relations.

But I don't want to.

So you my only, chosen friend in class will not have to do;
I will most certainly not act like nothing has happened.

I have my pride, I have my heart and you trampled on it.
My heart was a locked chest and I guess it opened slightly when I was with you, but now it's locked up again and you will not traverse into my boundaries again.

4) Cry.
It is always the medicine.
And is it weak to do so?
I don't think so, I think it's a way to face your emotions and let them out, because if you're like me you tend to unconsciously repress emotions, too.
So yes, it's always good for you because it always enables me to face things calmly and logically afterward.

5) Face things.
I will not tell you to 'suck it up' because it doesn't sound that nice.
But I've told myself that and it has worked: In the group setting I am able to act like nothing's wrong just the way they do, present my ideas in a manner that is objective and detached, and to crack some jokes with the one member that does not choose sides or target people.
Still, the group is indeed against me because of the bish, and with my 'friend' gone, I am all alone.
I guess the best way to deal with it is to deal with it as work, as nothing more and nothing less, even if the bish still does things to you.
So yes, as a group we are working well, things are going swimmingly and life is good again.

6) Do whatever it is that you dread.
For me it was having to do the slides and the script, the cue cards and the rehearsals, the recording and the typed up reflection and so on. It is called facing reality, and I had no choice but to participate in it, too.
When feelings still plagued me on Sunday I directed all that energy to whatever it was that I need to do, and I could have posted this back then but I wanted to actually accomplish all of this before talking to you.
And the great things is that I'm done with most of those things. I still got a compliment for being good at presenting, the slides are done, the reflection is planned and all that's left are minor edits and consultations with the tutor.

.
The great thing is that I feel like myself again.
I am done with the negative emotions, I have dealt with it as it has come, and I have let go of someone who isn't good for me.
I feel smiley again, I feel like I'm bursting with songs and I sing on the brink of going off-tune.

The bish and my friend will most probably talk behind my back as they already have, but people can believe what they choose to believe; I can't possibly explain myself to the entire world, nor do I want to. That'd be spreading unnecessary things, so I'll just tell the humans that are important enough to be told.

There'll probably be more shit to take from here onwards, and it'll probably affect me again, but that's alright too.

I like the human that I am; I will not turn bitter from this.
Even if I am lonely, I will not accept tainted friendship and a cold-hearted individual.
Even if I have no one else left from class, I have a multitude of beautiful things outside of that.
Even if I feel a loss, I will not confidently say that it was 'your loss, my mistake', because it feels like my loss, too.
And I will face that.

And truthfully,
I don't know if you have it in you to feel like
I was a loss and that
you did something awful.

Ah, well, this is the way things are and I'm happy with it all, now.
I'm a happy jelly again. :>

Actually I'm not sure if it's right to feel this way.

I have this terrible thing that I do,
Whereby I lose my appetite whenever things get bad and I get a little too sad to function.

Because I couldn't feel anger for a Friend, only that gut wrenching sensation that makes me feel void of emotion when I look at you.
I stared straight into your eyes and you couldn't even maintain that eye contact;
Your eyes flicked around and you made your selfish case adamantly.
Then, you followed me around and pretty much demanded that I don't make you out as the bad guy. So consent wasn't enough, giving in wasn't sufficient; I had to wholly submit and appreciate you for doing something like this and baring your true colors in such an ugly manner.

It'd have been different if you had listened to my reason, emphathised, didn't make that decision behind my back, tried to persuade me instead of pushing it onto me, and didn't try being the victim when it's all just a simple case of our well-beings clashing together.

Ah, yes, I think that I might actually be able to slowly turn it into anger, now.
But it's such a wrenching feeling.

And am I actually justified for feeling this way?
Maybe, I was the bish here and all of you are actually the victims that you all make yourselves out to be.

Even if I speak well, I convey things well and I persuade people well,
There was no way out of a human who refuses to budge because, well,
Humans' need for self benefit triumphs above all.


.
So I've basically not eaten in over fourteen hours,
And I wasn't gonna eat anything till lunch tomorrow or something
But mum brought me those beautiful egg tarts

Even though I said I didn't want anything.

That's nice, huh.


Indeed.

Not everything's bad.

But I just feel so heavy right now.
And I say thanks without actually saying it out,
And I secretly wish for mum to bring me more egg tarts,

And I feel that much better.

not without crying first.

I know,
I tried to ignore her.

But too much has happened in one day and I'm not sure if it's weak to cry and cry after something like this,
Or if I should have gone down without a fight, without trying to speak up for myself.

Ultimately, when one's grades are concerned
The ugly selfish side comes out.

The idea that my Friend and I worked on together-
She tells me that she'll die if I force her to take the bish's idea,
That since the idea originally came from her, she doesn't want to give it up.
That since I'm a good presenter I can't come before her, or it'll be terrible for her.

But the heart breaking thing was how you suddenly turned to claiming credit for yourself when that idea was something that is a product of you and me combining our separate ideas together, leading to me not having my own stuffs to present on now,
And that we had modified it together and you really can't just snatch it away indignantly like that.

You and the others decided that since I was 'good in presenting' and all that..
I can't take the idea that we worked on together and I can't come before any of you

Behind my back.
Now it is forced upon me and I can't go against it.

But I tried to convince you-
If I take the bish's idea, I'll have to interact with her, and she will intentionally withhold information and try to bring me trouble that way.
And the reason that you guys gave was way too hurtful-
How is it that my strong point has been used against me,
And you guys had decided it without my opinion.. at all?

Then, I accepted the bish's idea.
There was no way out even after I talked this out with you,
And you were starting to behave more and more Monster-like.

But it wasn't enough,
And you had to justify yourself and retain our friendship even after all that,
Say things like how the bish goes against you too because you side with me.

But,
You don't side with me.
You're out for yourself.
And now you want the best of both worlds?
Were you trying to claim credit for being noble, or simply being a Friend and becoming a target of hers?

Hey, what am I supposed to do.

Of course, when I asked the bish to explain to me her idea
It was exactly as precedented
And you weren't there, at all.

I spoke up for myself, I did
I told them all to stop talking behind my back and making decisions like that.
I told them to say anything to my face.
I told th m that this was really funny because all of it is so unnecessary,
And that I simply want to understand her idea but she isn't explaining it to me.


And you weren't there,
But I never expect my friends to do that for me.

I pick my own fights.
I fight them when I have to; I don't weep helplessly and wait for a knight on his horse.

So why then did you say things like you ' side ' with me?

If I had no expectations, you shouldn't be trying to get the credit for it all, and use it as a reason.

The thing is that after accepting that you'd in no scenario give in,
And that it was all incredibly unfair and selfish from you,
I cried.
I had to.

Because the way you said it and all,
There was no regard for me. Not one tiny pinch was there, and you know it.

yes I was being selfish too, and I said exactly that to you,
And I explained that this was putting me in trouble too because at least she'd explained her idea to you and she didn't even bother with me. We'd ended up arguing today, bish and me,  and she's turning the entire group against me.

But you didn't even listen to my reason.

It was just that you'd 'die', I'd 'force', 'make you the bad guy', and so on and so on.

Then,
I decided to suck it up.

This will be a challenge, then.

I will do the best that I can
And learn things from it.

Because if I manage to do it,
I'll have been pretty amazing, with a group like that and a Friend like you.

.
At least I got to know you better,
At least I finally got to see that one ugly side that I always knew was there because it's been two years and it was clear that if it came down to it, you'd step on people.

But how can you still try to act like the good person here?
That's what upsets me the most.

But somehow, when I look at you, I feel nothing.

Alone, though,
I have been crying.

I'm seventeen, I can deal.
I have already dealt with my emotions by writing this incoherent mess up here
So the next thing to do,
Is to deal with the actual work,
And to deal with you.

I'm seventeen,
I can deal.

Steadily.

Twenty year old

-Gate.

In that little keyhole of yours the little mischiefs have added up,

Buttons, coins, random objects it was

An adventure, a triumph and a joy

To stuff things in and watch it disappear.

Nay, I wasn't one of the culprits

But there's only two of us so- *cough*

Rest assured, the blame rests only with my brother-

The one with the shaved head

Me? 

I ain't did nothing.

But the gate resents us and now it gets stuck in its own accord,

Always on days where I'm drained and starving and overly warm

Lucky me, tho

I don't ever give up-

Well, not when you're desperate for a seat and a shower,

And there's things you gotta do anyway, and

Lo and behold,

It frees itself and the antique key is finally able to twist past that knot in there.

Twenty year old-

Gate, you're probably the only one who can make me switch between tactics;

To plead and to cuss 

(Oh ha I meant curse)

trying to get 

into my own home.

.

Results slips were given out today, 

And I have to say that there is something uplifting about how

there's a B in Lit and a C in GP from your own effort,

And how it shows your improvement over the year.

Your rank points are six over the promotion criteria

Which should have made you safe

But the flunking of the other three subjects makes it a conditional promo,

Meaning that there's hours you gotta clock in the school library.

Not that it matters, because it was your plan to study anyway.

You know that this is reaaally bad news, but you know what it is that made your studying so ineffective, too. And so there is still hope, there is fear but hope, alongside a general sense of panic. 

Still it feels good to know that not everything about studies is impossible or futile,

And I will begin revision today.

Slowly but---

moving on.

Really heavy things happen around the world all the time;
People are always bringing something terrible into your life
And after ranting once, you really should start letting go.

Too much and it's complaint, too much and you'll always remain angry.

Sure there's a bish in my group, but it could be so much worse.
Passive aggression and talking behind my back to my one friend-
Fine, if that's how you're playing it- but I don't wanna dwell on it any longer.
The world is full of people like her anyways, so I've just gotta deal with it.
And yes, if I let her get to me I'll always always always feel like throwing rotten eggs at her head, so yes, might as well take the easy way out and learn to take it lightly, take it easy, and to ignore her existence and her attacks.

Ah.. I really need to learn how to get terrible people like this to like me, soon.


I really don't care two pence about what they think of me,
But it just makes life soooooo much easier, you see.

And, well

Else it'll just repeat itself no matter where I'm at, no?


.

This holiday,
We mug.

We have two months to solve our problems;
I memorized without understanding even though it was the dumbest way to study-
Sometimes things don't make sense and in your panic you think that memory alone will save you... but of course it doesn't.

And this time round, I ain't committing that mistake no longer.

It made me sad and it made me scared.

Buuuuut,
                                                               we can do it!

Yes, we can!

(Oh god stop it)

Lit and GP are subjects that you'll definitely get decent grades in if you work extremely hard (as it has been for this year),  so that's not a problem.
The problem  lies with math and how daunting it is, bio and how discouraging it has all been, chem and how unattainable it is.

But we have two months.
An additional two weeks, if we begin now in spite of PW.

And so
it is possible.
I can't believe I scraped past promotion (oh yes, I never did tell you did I)
By one rank point or something
When I'd studied with the dumbest method available.

Perhaps that means  that it isn't hopeless,
But it's a highly frightening situation regardless.

For once I'll have to pester people I know,
And I'll have to learn how to rely on them.

I'll study with them not just in the literal sense, but in the way that we actually help one another out, too.

Ohhhhhh gosh,
How are we gonna do this.

Just, how.
How how how how.

Effort, that's how.

Farewell Rain

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=x5vJWfPNMVA

I'm apologetic for the sadness up here recently.

People don't want that, do they?
Not to mention, that they're all so personal, even trivial..

I want to share both the good and the bad, but perhaps,
this is just too much detail.

Ever since this has become such a sacred place to me,
I have only been sinking deeper into the candidness that used to be part of my character.
Even though negativity isn't usually shared even up here, I've felt like I really should begin from something like this,
open and spread my heart outwards from there.

It's indulgent, but it's what a private blog is for.
I don't want to hold things back as I've always done,
Because that's never good for you.
Yet to confide in others is something I can't do,
Not often, not yet, not really, not enough.

And so I can only share my joy and tears up here,
My interests that people sometimes shoot me down for,
Songs I love, interests, book reviews and my passion for things.

Up here there are people who actually read all that I write,
And that's kinda comforting in its own way.

I have so much emotion to wade through it sometimes feels like I'm gonna drown,
But having a small readership is nice that way
And so here it is, yet another beautiful song with meaning and a piece of my heart attached to it;
I hope you enjoy. :)

What do you do when you can't relax, can't afford to do so, can't truly sink into it even if granted the time for doing so?

It's just been a relatively pleasant Saturday,
Reading a guidebook on criticism in literature,
Seeking out monologues online and sounding crazy in my room,
Watching videos on the election in the US and
Doing some Project Work.

In truth, what I really want to do is watch some anime
Read Silas Marner, stick papers together and continue making Pom poms n bookmarks.
I want to rewatch some Disney movies or whatever,
But a thought constantly nags at the back of my mind and that is to
Begin Math and Bio revision yet again.

So even when I'm relaxing I feel like some good has to come out of it
And I stay away from switching my brain off for once.

Times like these I want another long, hot shower with all that comfort that it brings.. but oh well.
Tomorrow, we'll have to meet for PW again, see that one girl in my group who victimises herself and doesn't do much work, be careful of my words/everything around the group, and face that one friend whom you can't feel related to anymore.

In truth, I just want to curl up
and sleep
even if that's running away for a little while.

Erased

Staring eyes wide and that one tone of speaking that just tires me out before I even choose to talk. It feels like... I have to shout for you to actually hear me.

I've always felt like something's wrong with me
The way I'm not close with my grandparents or any cousin or sibling
Heck, I even feel like a stranger to my parents
and they feel like strangers to me, too.

There is that delicate balance established by polite nothings and an avoidance of heart-to-heart talks, just as I do with anyone else, just as I do with all humans that I've even come close to calling a 'friend '.

Things shatter so easily and I just get so drained trying to talk to you guys because
a) the shouting never ceases
b) we are always so angry
c) all of this is so exhausting

I don't feel close to anyone really,
I've been trying to tell myself otherwise even up here and
Now I think I'm gonna try being honest with myself.

Is it a crime to be distant from your family and anyone else who's supposed to be on good terms with you?
When I glance around, all I observe are people who are close with old people, parents, friends, siblings, and they open up so easily and everything. None of it is perfect, but they are so... Close. ...And why aren't I?
Put everything you know about me aside, and I don't have the answer, not really.

I've tried to improve relations but it's always fallen apart and felt so out of character for me to connect with anyone, anyone at all- not to mention that when I talk about myself for once it doesn't feel like you're listening or understanding, and I just end up feeling regret at ever choosing to speak up at all.

I love some of you, I do,
But we aren't close and every single opening up/conversation just gets so exhausting since shouting comes so easily, and patience is non-existent and,

Why is that?

You actually called me disgusting for shifting something in front of a fan,
When I hadn't noticed it and that was all there was to it.

After confiding in someone once, I avoid confiding too much the next time and
You could just tell me whatever it was that you wanted to say but it has to be yelled out and you have to glare.
I have anger too, and it takes something away from me every time I do it.

I'm no victim, you aint no antagonist, it's just the way things are and it's tiring.

All us humans still get along but that reliance and vulnerability just doesn't happen, not anymore

and
why is that

I want this storm outside my window to rage on for a little longer.

It started raining all of a sudden, and it seemed to me as though the sky were screaming at the top of its lungs.

Yet another long day has taken its place in the mundane,
and something has sapped the strength out of you.
It feels like mouldy cakes with soggy fruits,
Milk gone sour in a bowl of bland cereal-
How someone can call another 'disgusting'
for shifting something in front of a fan because she didn't see it,
Is beyond my comprehension.

It was obviously taking it out on something trivial,
And all they had to do was to mention it and explain things
But of course, it isn't the perfect ending to a long day without sth like this as the cherry on top happening.

There seems to be a lot of anger stored in our hearts lately

And indeed, there is.

Something is going terribly wrong with people's hearts,
You could play the sweet and understanding role and allude it all to stress
And lack of sleep and constant hunger from skipped meals and bad dreams and the recurrent haze and anything, anything at all
That would divert one's attention from the fact that we are all damaging one another and squaring our shoulders in indignation when the others reply in a way that stands up for themselves because, well, we're stressed and anything is justifiable when you feel like shit.

I stood in the shower for as long as I could, letting the warmth, the smell of steam, the sound of unshy water gushing down my neck, envelope me, and for my mind to go blank in that loving space.

If I could, I would never leave
In the same way that I don't want to let go of the fuzzy pink bunny I named Floppy
Or for the chaotic sky to remain clouded, unsure, and upset.

And I would wish to myself, like I always did, for people to quit yelling and dumping shit on people, and to reinforce my belief that I don't ever want to ----------.

To all the friends that have come and gone,

I started crying, then it became sobs that had a life of their own. But those tears weren't for you, any of you- it was just pent up emotions from these past few months and all those thoughts in my head.

Ah, I realised, I've actually been kind of stressed for a while, now

I don't feel like saying anything about those thoughts,

But I'm alright.

Now on to the topic.

.

I honestly don't regret letting go of you or

Pushing you away.

Because there were always reasons,

And somehow I used to attract the wrong people.

Now, they are the right ones but

You shouted at me from stress and worry,

And after apologising, did a similar thing today

It is true, that when people break one barrier

It breaks and they never retreat behind it again.

Then, they move on to break another one.

So, give a friend shit once because you feel terrible,

And you will always give them shit whenever you feel like it.

This doesn't apply to all since people

Change, but right now I can't expect anything good from you

You did repeat it the day after you apologised, after all.

Disappointment doesn't cover this,

I know that we are all humans, that we can't be at our best all the time,

But if you've done it before, 

It means that there is this side to you

And it'll simply come out again and again

And, well,

Where was the value of your apology in flaring up again the subsequent day?

Listen, I feel like shit too when you're shouting and logic tells me to be calm so I follow it. Playing the logical role really doesn't help your emotional state, you know.

I'm tired of humans who shout and argue and don't listen to reason or have the control to hold back and sound composed even if they aren't, they really aren't-

I'm tired of people who continue to raise their voices even though I make it a point to lower mine and slow down,

And I'm tired of people who feel like they can overstep that boundary and make jokes about the way I look, just because we've gotten closer.

If I hadn't been through that one year, I'll be just like any normal human being and not be affected. It will be hilarious like the first time. However, I'm well beyond that; the 'jokes' have been driven into me and I'm terrified of those who would take advantage of the comfort that friendship brings and, 

Deliver all those blows with a smiling face.

I'm sensitive to this, I'm sensitive to that one year that left a scar in there, and I'm sensitive to friends doing this because once you do it, you do it again, and again and again and again, until it's a daily repetition without forgiveness.

Call me triggered if you will or whatever, but when I tell you about that one year, I expect you to know what not to be insensitive about.

If I'm doing the same to you, couldn't it at least be an equal exchange that way?

Someone said, with goodwill and worry,

That 'you're very, very guarded'.

It's true.

Somehow when it's such an explicit statement,

You feel like crying, and you think back on why you're like that

And how near impossible it is to change.

The foundation of your being that has proven to be the wise choice throughout all these stations in life, and the one thing that is accepted by admirers and the few friends that you have; if you're worthy of love even with this type of core in your being, is it really neccessary to change? 

Not to mention, that it has served you so well, and will most definitely continue to do so.

Thing is, if you decide to trust someone, it's trust that remains. It doesn't really fluctuate or change unless they change their behaviour. 

But it takes a long time for that decision to be made,

And very few people deserve that faith.

Many break it even before you choose to fully open up

(Heck, all of them do)

And you feel this certain sense of loss cuz it will only be a slippery slope from there.

It's not that you don't ever trust people, it's just hard to find them.

I've always had this side to me, but it didn't get so.. extreme till time and time again I was proven right in predictions and wrong in my judgment.

And the blame doesn't rest with you-

After all, if you're not that good you aren't wrong to be that way,

It just means that you aren't worthy, and 

I choose to leave whatever I don't deserve or like.

And so,

You're not sure if this is the right word but it does describe how it feels

You feel a little betrayed, a little hurt, and a little sad-angry.

Because they were chosen, and yet they turned out that way again.

But it's okay,

I'll keep you at a distance from now on,

You had your chance and that's never happening again.



.

I'll meet someone who isn't like that in the future.

That sounds bleak but it will,

It will.

Went a little too into detail, there...

I'm still fervently trying to fix all that's wrong with my foot, if you remember.

It's not exactly working.. And, well, how do I put this:
I'm actually growing used to it.

That's the thing-
When something makes me uncomfortable, I accept it as part of life whilst trying to improve it.

It's kinda what I do for that one girl who took my idea, likes to interrupt me, often gets close to my friends with that sweet demeanour (it's hard to explain but you know what I mean), tries to force people to submit to her, blows things up and is generally quite the beach, ya know? The one with seashells on it.

I'm kinda used to it now, so it doesn't piss me off as much as it did at first.
The other day we had an argument (and you know me; this is quite rare)
because I had a technical issue trying to upload something and she confronted me with the accusation that I didn't do work.
I basically told her stuffs like 'before you get to your conclusion, can you please check your facts?' n when she used that sweet tone again to tell me that I was 'too harsh', I had to throw it back to her- 'when you approach people with so much anger and accusation, do you expect people to be composed in talking to you? And I tried being calm, but you just weren't listening...(and bla blah)... Can you at least listen to reason?'

Yeah I've already bored you with too much details, huh.
Working with people like that in a designated group is tough,
But, well,

I'll manage.

The key here is to not back down
And I don't mean that as in insistence of your own ideas without impartiality,
I mean to not give in to her silly tantrums and controlling behaviour.
Frankly, it's annoying how she expects everyone to bow down to her feet
And someone like me who voices my opinions in a group setting is, to her, someone who makes others feel like they're 'obligated to follow' me, in her own words.

Oh, yeah?
Girl, ever heard of assertion and speaking up?
I make sure to ask if everyone is agreeable every single time I propose something, and it is a habit to combine ideas and persuade others. I don't shout and I don't force people, if that wasn't apparent.
Just because I don't do disclaimers like 'I'm just gonna speak my mind, please don't get offended' cuz I don't feel it necessary, doesn't mean that I'm a stubborn and forceful human trying to snatch your leadership position.
I'm never interested in such glorified positions, and
You clearly wanted that role, so I melded myself into a silent shadow as I usually work so hard on being. and agreed to it
But you clearly aren't someone fit to be a leader.


Oh gosh
To think that there'll be millions of people like you in the future,
All waiting for me.

I suppose I'll just have to do the disclaimer thing and sound less sure when I speak...?
Ah but I only look at ideas, so why exactly do I always get on the wrong side of such self-oriented people?
Just because I'm the opposite of unassuming/meek, doesn't mean that I'm a threat.

I'm not trying to do anything to you, so just relax.

And well I'm not exactly a human to only rant up here and not take action,
So that argument was a standing up for myself, too.

Because you'll never be able to step over me,
And if it's a ridiculous situation with someone like you,
I won't do what I know you'll like.

Pendulum orbs

It has always surprised me,

The way many people think that I'm bisexual.

I'm not sure if I even need to say this since it's so obvious and all

But I support lgbtq for the fact that it's love and they have to take too much shit from people.

I usually take the middle stand, but this just isn't fair that they should face all of that. Doesn't mean that you have to agree with me, though I really hope that you aren't homophobic. :)

So yeah, anyways

People seem to think that, and it intrigues me because, well, I don't see why I give off that vibe.

And I've wondered about it before, put thought into it and seriously considered the possibilities.

Since I wouldn't want to be living in denial or in fear of rejection, 

It's better that I'm clear about everything when it comes to myself.

But, well

I've just never seen girls that way

And I wasn't sure because I have this little thing that I do

Whereby I stare at a person and try to figure out their best physical feature.

Most people start looking attractive to me after some time

Provided, that is, that they aren't terrible people.

Since I do that to both genders, I thought I might be bi,

But I've just never felt that way, and it's just one of those weird things that I do.

So perhaps I haven't met the right one or something.

Still, I'm pretty sure that I'm into guys- but who knows, right?

I'll just let it happen whichever way I end up swinging cuz

It's not like it changes anything.

After all, there are theories out there of your orientation being determined at birth that conflict with it being developed afterwards; but I've always just thought of that as unnecessary. 

Why be ashamed of something that isn't accepted by current society?

By spreading the message that 'it isn't a choice' or something like that, you're essentially agreeing with the point of view that it's something wrong and something that you don't really want, therefore you need a reason that is beyond your control, so that you can't be blamed or whatever.

To me, it doesn't matter either way.

It's love, and I'm still finding it out.

Even if I have my answer now, no one knows what could happen in the future,

So it's simply gonna be fine either way.

Floppy.

I usually stay away from that area because, well,
That's your favorite hangout spot.

It makes me so very nervous to be in the same room as you even if there's no interaction between us.. But today was just the kind of day whereby you awaken to the kind of rain that threatens to tear your house down, and school forces you to get out of the house and onto your feet to see the moisture up close, and you are in a dreamy mood whereby only the book plays within your mind and you're in love with too many songs and you feel all smiley and sing-y.
It was still cold and you just had lunch, just
wanted somewhere to sit and simply
Read. Read and read and read and read, for you're close to finishing it.

And so you did- the place that wasn't the library, the place that you've always wanted to read in but avoided.
That little eye contact, that little flutter and little stop,
That little feeling.
Actually I seem to like rather different yet similar kinds of people.


I wonder,
If the light fell on me the way it fell on you
And if it looked alright.
Who knows if I'm deluded, but I'm not exactly the invisible type.

You have such strong eyes,
The kind that focuses on things.
They're a little intimidating, a little too sharp with a lot of power,
But that's kinda why I like them
although a softer hue to it would be nice, too.
Your hair isn't anything other than average and your
voice isn't exactly smooth or calm,
But you have great eyes and a good walk and you smile like the rays of sunlight after the dew settles.

I ended up getting absorbed in the book anyway and forgetting you,
But when you stood up to leave I somehow had the instinct to know.


I think that when I look, I really look, really look at you,
And it's kind of embarrassing.

.
But I'm not interested in anything beyond this happening.
You aren't someone I actually know, and there's a part of you that just seems wrong to me.
I suppose it'll be a long time before someone actually catches my breath the way my first crush did, so this will just be one of those fleeting things that doesn't matter as much.
This is not the time anyway; I just wanted to phrase out both my interest and my disinterest before moving on.

And now, it's jelly time. :>

Incoherent slurs

What it means to be a woman

I have written a lot but it's near impossible to reach a conclusion. I can't seem to stay on topic and it all just doesn't make sense to me. This is, after all, probably the toughest question that I've encountered thus far. And I don't like this question, because it's like asking what it means to be an adult, only more specific. Throw away gender roles and conventional thoughts, and I have to admit that I don't believe in turning into adults. 

Because no matter how old you get you'll always have that childlike vulnerability to you that's hidden deep within, and that inherent need for love and attention that you've trained yourself into learning to earn. You may not throw tantrums any longer, you may not open up as easily or be as simple a person, but in there somewhere where everyone's softest and squishiest, warmest place is there'll always be a little area that remains unchanged.

So then if it isn't growing up or being specifically and politically-correct female 'woman-ness', what exactly is it?

I find myself spinning in circles when I do this because none of it makes sense.

I did skirt around the question several times but when I tried getting into it, there wasn't anything to be said.

The concept of being a woman is, as we all know, different in different places. 

You could yank out desirable traits of care and concern, loving support, great housework and a meek personality; tie them all up with a raffia string and smack it into people's faces saying, there's a woman for you. You could take the western approach and stick independence and strength together. Throw in some capability of being refined, elegant, feminine and intelligent, and you've got the whole package.

The thing is that I don't get this question. I could just go the easy way out and start describing mature ovaries and Fallopian tubes, but that's kinda boring. Or, someone here could just bring up the point of being good in bed.

The thing is that I don't get the answer.

It's not that you don't have your own train of thought, it's that we're both trying to break out of that traditional shell and welcoming western ideals, and what happens is a resulting mixture that is supposedly ideal and correct, something that contradicts itself and sounds like this unattainable hurdle. 

It is, in fact, confusing to me. I love complex things, but this is all so interconnected and grimy that it's hard to see through the slab of concrete that's supposedly opaque but that is transparent to you.

And I don't quite believe in it even if it were possible to be all of those as aforementioned.

We are told that a woman means so many things but the truth is that all of us have different combinations of these conditions. And lacking many of them or having all of them doesn't mean that you are or aren't a woman.

...Do I have to be all of that?

If I'm not interested in kids, only sex, if I'm not interested in marriage, only passion, if I usually play the supporting role in relationships, come off too strong to most people in group discussions and still be somewhat quiet and reliant around this one human because the sight of him makes me freeze up.. What am I? 

People are multifaceted, and we can't all be a certain way so that we're befitting of our age range, or gender. Maturity, yes, and the independence that comes with it, but nothing else beyond that should be a form of measurement of meaning.

A woman or a man to me has always just been this neutral word choice that means growth. Being a man shouldn't just mean protecting someone and becoming responsible and masculine. A woman shouldn't just mean being loving, gentle and strong either. You're an adult--- nothing more, nothing less. There is nothing more that we should be expected to become, nothing so defined and restricted that we should be. If being a woman means femininity and all socialised conditions, I'd rather not be one- not that I can help it. And adults have to be independent and mature because they're expected to be, but I've always thought that it's alright for adults to step down from the pedestal they're made to stand upon, to rely upon someone every once in a while, and to not be whatever it is that they should be.

Why do we have to become pillars when we grow up; when we were all just buckets of liquid concrete to begin with, and we never dry up completely?

And here I shall quote from a book because that's what you do when you're trying to support your point without good elaboration.

"Grown-ups don't look like grown-ups on the inside either. Outside, they're big and thoughtless and they always know what they're doing. Inside, they look just like they always have. Like they did when they were your age. Truth is, there aren't any grown-ups. Not one, in the whole wide world.”

The thing is, if we all remain vulnerable and the same inside, and that all of it is packaging and armour, what difference does it make that we're now labelled men and women instead of awkward teenagers? 

I can be a variety of things, but I can never be the type of woman that justifies the definition of the very word.

What does it mean to me?

It means being an adult, but they don't exist.

And so it means nothing, nothing at all.

Sucrose solution; with a pinch of salt

I believe in the ugliness present in us.

I believe in the tears you shed after
someone does something so unforgivable and cruel to you,
All your anger somehow turns into this
incoherent mess that spurts out of your paralyzed tongue
And you're not crying or weeping you're
Silent
Because it is that gut wrenching a thing.

I believe in never forgiving.
I believe that makes you stronger
Because it's impossible to hold back on whatever it is that you feel after
Someone does something like that to you.
Just don't get consumed, and it's simply because you deserve better.
But if it drives you mad,

I believe in revenge.

I believe in delivering justice where there's no one around who does that for you
Not that they should;

I don't believe in letting go if you can't
That shouldn't be the one and only 'wise' advice,
That shouldn't be all that anyone has to say.

Because what is happiness if you can't abandon the sadness that plagues you so?

You deserve better
You deserve to not deny your own pain and your feelings,
You deserve to not be good, to be
Corrupted- because that's what
Makes us human.

I don't care that it isn't politically correct,
I care that you do something that feels right for yourself

Not what the world teaches to be the 'best'.

.
Karma is a really attractive concept, don't you think?
I'm not religious, but I believe in guardian angels because it sounds sweet.

And revenge is something worth it, something people should be strong enough for.

Right on the edge

I ended up spending the night away on dramas and manga

Should I sleep if there's only two hours left? I've functioned on one hour before, and it wasn't a problem. But perhaps I still should rest since lessons resume tomorrow- I mean- today.

I'm so happy right now;
Reading always brings that magical feeling back to me you see.

If there wasn't enough internal spheres for my mind to wander about whenever I get into this holiday mood before, there is an additional layer now.
I really do enjoy thinking about books and what they've got to offer- they speak so well, y'know what I mean?
I've got so much I wanna be doing and so little time that I'm functioning on 4-5 charging time again. That's not good is it; I've gotta replenish my battery life before getting overly excited over all these lists.

Oh, and I know this sounds absolutely pathetic
But I've finally figured out how to download songs on the phone,
Aaaand it's without the entire saga of connecting it to a computer!!

Do you have any idea how much devastation it brings me
every single time I've tried to download songs?
They. Never. Go. Well. (!)

Aaaand now I'm a self-sufficient teenager.
I'm all grown!

(Shh don't tell me that any human existing in this era should know this stuff.
It is indeed rocket science to me.)


I finally feel like a 20th century's kid now ^~^
Ohhh is life goooood

N perhaps, since I was born on the edge of the century- 1999- it can be explained that I do not work well with technology. I've always thought it cool how my generation literally exists on the edge of the ending of one great century. And I really do use that word too much..

(Just accept that will you. I swear, I'm not outdated. Or dumb. I hope.)

Every page has a story. Every story is a page.

Recently, I've finally stopped storing all that beautiful paper in a rotting cupboard
And actually start turning them all into a legitimate collection.
It's been a peaceful Saturday afternoon, just sticking paper together and fretting over what goes with what. I've finally bought myself washi tape and fabric tape, ribbons and yarn for making pom poms, and that basically translates into every single fantasy I have ever had about papers being realized- without restraint and with the amount of indulgence that I deserve.
How do I put it.. I love this. I love it when you spend hours talking to carcasses of dead trees n bits of tape, n you debate with yourself about the best lace to use: "Gold? Silver. The ruffly brown one or the flat one with better texture? Ahhh.. I wish I bought the black one, that could have become a stencil for acrylic paint over it. Oh, I could do something with watercolor for the white ones! They're too clean looking." - Dialogue that no one should hear, time that you never notice, and you exhaust all of your energy trying to make it all pretty looking.
I love it when you get so obsessed over something, time flies past you like the way a rainbow unicorn would speed past an imaginative child. It's dark before you know it and you usually forget meals till your stomach decides to act as an alarm and growl like some untamed animal.
It means that you sleep unsatisfied each night because your brain brims over with ideas, and you awaken some days with zero inspiration. But since it's a whimsical thing, it really doesn't bother you all that much. You whip out that notebook as and when you feel like doing something, and it always excites you. Not to mention, that it messes your room up even though you go through great pains trying to keep it all in check. (You get irritated by prolonged mess, after all)

I have also been making one too many bookmarks and folding one too many dresses out of paper. (We're talking bout three.. around fourteen here.)
There's so much I wanna be doing- splash watercolor over piano sheets and make that the background, do something floral with ribbons and something with the plaid papers n probably one of those galaxies out of watercolor. Oh yes, I did finally buy myself watercolors. Not too shabby, eh? ;)

I'm quite sure that I'm just rambling on now.
Oh, well.

I just love it so much when you forget about everything else, every, human,
And it's just you, and what you love skipping to the melody of your fingertips, your favorite song playing in the background, your favorite food and book quotes at the back of your mind, and the world happens beneath your feet,
And you're not a part of it, not at all.
Your own little world shields you from whatever saddens you or frightens you,
And even if there were no such thing you are still very much wrapped in your very own protective bubble that doesn't burst till you want it to.

It's like curling up to sleep and actually getting a beautiful dream straight after
Without the tossing and turning, the 'It's two? How did that happen?', the too-cold and the too-warm

And actually, actually go so deep into some realm you've created
That when your consciousness returns, it feels like no time has passed at all.

I love to forget times like these,
I love times like these.

I love life like this.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=89hparQWqYQ